Needing some advice...

[lilmissemily]

...it's been a long time since I've posted here (I never really posted too much anyway) but something has been on my mind lately and I need to talk it out with some people who understand.

Emily has been pretty well buried for many months now, after I found out that she caused me issues with my last girlfriend. Apparently, according to her, I got so wrapped up in being Emily (wanting to have Emily be in the bedroom, wanting to dress as Emily more, etc.) that she began to resent her –*and my male self in the process. Apparently it's a major reason why she wanted to split up. This is after she spent years accepting – and even encouraging – Emily to come out.

Once I found this out, I purged. I spent some time alone, gradually buying some panties and maybe undressing to work a little bit, but that's it. I felt like Emily was dead and that's what I wanted, since she had caused so much hurt. Months later, I met a wonderful girl who I love much more than my ex –*more than I ever knew I could love someone.

I told her about my desire to wear panties, and she didn't understand at first, but gradually came to accept it. We've expanded into bras, nighties, the occasional stockings, and a couple of times she's done my makeup.

But now I'm starting to feel like maybe Emily wants to come back. I don't have a wig anymore, or forms, or any clothes aside from lingerie. But sometimes I wonder what it would feel like to be her again. Trouble is, I'm so afraid that I'll chase off another woman, someone who I love more than I ever thought possible. Should I make myself content with lingerie and occasional CDing, or should I put myself out there?

[Kelly DeWinter]

What you and your girlfiend have to do is sit down and talk about expectations, and boundries. You have to strike a balance between your desires and wants and your girlfriends desires and wants. So many times a CD/TG will get into a relationship and push the envelope of what they want, and end up ingnoring or overwhelming their wife or girlfriend. It's ok to establish boundries, and then agree to revisit them in 6 months to a year.

Relationships are about each party understanding what the other wants and trying to work out something that works for both. There are some definte type of relationships her that include some who fully accept and embrace crossdressing, to those who are still in the closet to thire SO.

It sounds by your own post, that you appear to be repeating a pattern, that results in a broken relationship.

Mayby this time you need to focus on your girlfriends needs, rather then your own. then you can discuss Emily and how to incorporate her in your life.

Kelly

[busker]

Miss Emily,
If you read your post again, I think that you have answered your own question. This time, a little will have to go a long way. A menage a trois rarely works. Jealousy will rear it's ugly head and spoil the love of your life.
Good luck.

[suchacutie]

If you really want to be with this other person, emily has to be an accepted part of the process, but...(big but)...with empathy toward your perspective partner. Let your partner help to decide the role Emily can play in your relationship. If Emily can't be that person, then maybe a bit of counciling would be helpful to find out where you are headed with your gendered self.

wishing you the best!

tina

[Lucy_Bella]

Just learn from your mistakes... Too much of a good thing can also be bad. Let this new GF have the best of both with out over doing the the Emily.

[Christina Horton]

You have all the advice you need in regards to your new Girl friend. What you don't have is the knowledge of the fact that your a Crossdresser and that will never go away. Like a cold or flu it may go away for awhile it will come back....ALLWAYS. So the next time you feel like purging just put all your stuff in waterproof bins and wait it out. I have never purged but I have read how much it hurts emotional and the bank book. But its your life and you do what you need to. Just be 100% honest with her and always communicate with her ya know TALK TALK TALK TALK The way women do and you'll be ok.

[~Seana~]

Well I'm glad to say I dont have this problem.My current spouse encourages me to dress ( and buys me frilly outfits).Communication is the key. Be up front,( sounds like you have). It sounds to me like emily is wanting to come out because she feels comfortable.
Being dressed up isnt nearly as much fun if someone doesnt admire it or enjoy it. So be cognizant of your partners concerns.In the end, from your description emily never really went away anyway, she off pouting:)

Amanda

[Naomi Rayne]

Everyone gave very good advice and i second all of it. Sometimes hearing it multiple times helps though. Haha.

Emily feels comfortable, therefor she wants to come out.

Talk a whole lot with your new GF about things. Boundaries. Expectations. Rules. Guidelines. Things of that nature. Making your GF comfortable i think is the first and foremost thing because it will help you have a better relationship. If there are things u cannot give up or set aside in order to make her happy then talk about them too and explain to her why you need what you need.

CDing will not go away. Its part of you and a part of you that you are going to need to embrace.

[lilmissemily]

I really appreciate everyone's help. I think she and I need to have a serious conversation.

Any ideas on how to start? Just say that I want to take it to the next level? Then listen to what she thinks about it?

[DanaR]

I really appreciate everyone's help. I think she and I need to have a serious conversation.

Any ideas on how to start? Just say that I want to take it to the next level? Then listen to what she thinks about it?

It sounds like she knows enough about you now, that starting to tell her about yourself should be easy. Just try to be understanding of her feelings, because it could be overwhelming to her. In other words, take is slowly and at her pace.

[SandraAbsent]

A relationship is like two pillars holding up a building. If one or both lean on the other the whole thing tumbles. If they both stand tall the building lasts a life time.

What I mean is that you both have to be your independent unique individuals. CDing is part of you and you should acknowledge it and embrace it. As someone who has purged a few times, I know how much it hurts. On the other hand you cannot lean on her to support it. You must understand that she will have her own feelings on this subject, and in order for both pillars to stand tall you must respect her feelings and boundaries as well. The only way to understand her boundaries is through constant and effective communication. I work in sales and we have this saying in regards to communication and LISTENING, "You have two ears and one mouth, keep that ratio in mind."

If you really want a relationship with this woman you need to talk to her about it and how "she" feels. GGs seek empathy often in communication and its important listen and acknowledge her feelings on any subject, but especially the CDing. Don't let your male "problem solving" mode take precedence.

Intimacy = a true understanding of each other through the act of true communication.

Ok i ranted enough...sorry :daydreaming:

[abigail43]

I just want to let you know that I agree with a lot of the advice given Yes you should be discussing Emily with you new partner also you should be asking what she is looking for from the relationship ,a bit of reassurance doesn't go astray either So discussion is the key and you really need to listen to what your partner has to say. Good luck

[lilmissemily]

I appreciate everyone's help so much. It's just hard to explain that a lingerie fetish is a whole lot more, which I'm sure everyone understands.

I'm also still sorting these urges out for myself, which makes things even more difficult. Some things I know – I know I'm not gay, and I know I don't want to BE a woman. But I know there's Emily inside me, and I feel like she wants to come out. I'm just really afraid to show her to someone again.

[Joanne f]

Everyone has a different level of acceptance so you cannot judge one on someone else so what you really need to do is to have an honest talk with your girlfriend and decided together how far she is happy with you dressing and stick to it as so many want an inch and take a mile in this way you give respect and will get respect in return , and please stop referring to Emily as a third person as she is you , not many girlfriends want a three way relationship :D as that is a divider.

[ReineD]

I think GGs change their minds about the CDing because they end up realizing that it is much deeper than they realized in the beginning. Many CDs tend to downplay it at first, whether this is done to not scare the GG away or out of a genuine belief that the CDing won't go much further. But as the relationship settles into the more comfortable realm, the desire for expression magnifies (or pink fog sets in) and the GG begins to wonder about her role in the relationship. Maybe she is OK with it as long as she believes the CDing is a harmless hobby or fetish thing, and she gets turned off when she sees how much more it means to her bf. It is best to be clear from the start.

Also, I've observed relationships where with time it becomes all about the CDing ... the planning, the shopping, the grooming, the outings, the online activities, the 'thinking about it', with not much time left out of total leisure hours for other things. It can become an obsession and this is what makes GGs wonder how much a priority they are in their partner's lives.

The best way to circumvent this is to be clear with the GG right from the start about how far you want to take it, what your desires are, what it means to you, what you want to accomplish. Also, if most of your leisure hours are devoted to the CDing (while excluding her) in some form or another, it would be easy for your gf to wonder if you might not want to live full time if you could. So be very clear when you explain things to her, and then make sure that your actions agree with your words. :) :hugs:

Above all, don't minimize the situation with her. It will only end up souring down the road, like it did with your other gf.

Good luck! :hugs:

[Joanne f]

I think ReineD has hit the nail on the head as very few of us are honest from the start as to how far we would like to go or even need to go and this really can cause problems in the future and you not only hurt your SO you also hurt yourself.

[Shari]

One question for you Emily.

If you try too hard to make your new g/f happy by not being you, will it ultimately affect your own happiness?

[DonniDarkness]

Emily,

Start over with all this......this new girl needs to know that past behind your emily....tell her what you just told us.....thats a great start. If you want a successful relationship, your going to have to be completely honest with her and your self. You seem to already know your inner girl well, be honest to her.

-Donni-

[Christina Horton]

I appreciate everyone's help so much. It's just hard to explain that a lingerie fetish is a whole lot more, which I'm sure everyone understands.


I'm just really afraid to show her to someone again.



A lingerie fetish.....lets look at that now.....Ok you said you used to dress fully before . So how could this be JUST a fetish?

Some of us start off as a fetish then we find out that it's so much much more to it. I never started out like that but lots did.

Tell her that you might want to dress 24/7 , cuz you don't know right now what will come. I don't know if that is the right advice to give you but I got the impression that you just might want to someday. Make sure you don't understate what could happen and make sure you tell her no matter how obsessed you will get she is more important to you then the other women in your life.

Just keep telling her that you'll need this to be happy and you need her to be happy.

[AKAMichelle]

This is a difficult question. The thing that we seem to forget is that our girlfriends want a guy and we pull our cd'ing in too far. Sometimes farther than they can take. I think as long as you keep balance in your life, then you should be fine letting Emily back out.

[pamela_a]

I think several have been close to asking this but not quite. What do YOU want? Do you know who you are?

As Christina has already been pointed out, you state you just have a lingerie fetish but also say you dressed fully and spent time as Emily. Is that really sufficient for you? Are you looking for a relationship to help convince yourself of something?

IMHO look deep inside you and figure out who you really are, talking to a therapist may be helpful. I went for a long time in denial,thinking I was just another C/D before I finally accepted I was TS. Being in a relationship won't change who you are and may end up causing more pain to both of you in the long run.

[Lexine]

It's always a little difficult to try and open up to someone who you really love, but I think for the most part you've done good by slowly introducing her to these ideas.

My girlfriend is extremely accepting of my CDing, but I knew from the onset that we needed to define "boundaries," if they were really called such. We tried to decide who of our friends to tell it to, and how we'd tell them. Then, we decided when the best time, if ever, to tell her family about it since she's a very family oriented individual. I told her of my interests in gender identity and how I seemed to blend both roles seamlessly into my personality, which seem to be the crux as to why I do this to begin with and she appreciated and loved that I was upfront about my thoughts and my feelings about Lexi.

Point being, it's not just telling her about who Emily is, but how you two will proceed moving forward with this knowledge. Tell her the truth - your girlfriend seems someone who accepts and loves you for who you are and if she can see past your external facade, whether you are Emily or not, then all the more better. Being aware of what happened in your previous relationship will be one of the ingredients in making this part of your life work. Either way, talk to her about it, make her feel comfortable and explain it in terms that she'll understand and assure her that you're the same person who she fell in love with.

Let us know how it goes k? :)

[lilmissemily]

I think several have been close to asking this but not quite. What do YOU want? Do you know who you are?

As Christina has already been pointed out, you state you just have a lingerie fetish but also say you dressed fully and spent time as Emily. Is that really sufficient for you? Are you looking for a relationship to help convince yourself of something?

IMHO look deep inside you and figure out who you really are, talking to a therapist may be helpful. I went for a long time in denial,thinking I was just another C/D before I finally accepted I was TS. Being in a relationship won't change who you are and may end up causing more pain to both of you in the long run.

OK, let me explain a little more. I did dress fully and spend time as Emily in my previous relationship. But there wasn't much to it –*I never went out dressed, was usually only dressed when me and my GF were being sexual, etc. Only a few times did I dress fully without there being a sexual element. It felt good, but obviously not AS good.

I'm 100 percent convinced I'm straight and want to be a male. I'm happy being male. I just have another side of me. Once I purged, I thought I would be happy just wearing panties and lingerie. Because honestly, panties are what excite me the most. I wear them almost full-time (I did wear full-time in my previous relationship). The reason for the thread is that now I'm starting to feel what was a first a slight urge to dress fully. But it seems to be growing, thus my need for help.

Maybe someone above who said Emily wants to come out because I'm happy is right. It makes sense. But I just appreciate everyone's advice and support. You'll never know what it means to me.

[suchacutie]

Many of us enjoy our male selves, but at some point we, or someone around us, understands that there is another side of us...a feminine side. In my case it was my wife to saw it, named her Tina, and started us on the adventure of investigating my feminine side.

It really is much easier to have this adventure when one's spouse is convinced that we enjoy the male side of us (the one they were initially attracted to) and don't want to lose it. In my case we realized that the feminine side of me was also an attractant. Just yesterday my wife said, "Tina and I agree about a lot of things". That's not to say that my male side and my wife don't agree as well, but it was a statement of understanding that my femme side and my wife are quite compatible.

As with all relationships, compatibility (in whatever gender) is a matter of communication and compromise. Communication and compromise don't stop at the gender divide, so just continue to be you. Tell her of your history and what you learned from it. She'll ask a million questions and it'll be a good start down the path of understanding and, hopefully, a long-term relationship!

have fun!

tina

[lilmissemily]

I appreciate all the great help. It looks like she and I will have to have a talk this weekend. If I start out by explaining gently that while I enjoy the panty wearing and play we have, I have an urge to take it further, I guess I'll just have to lay it out there and let the chips fall where they may. Here's hoping it goes well...

[Jennaie]

Just the statement that you made saying, "at first, she was uncomfortable with it", tells me that you are heading down a dead end road. You love her? you want her? you better let her wear the panties and you be the guy.

If the situation were different and she actually loved the fact that you liked to play dress-up and be the girl, it could very well work, but women who only tolerate your dressing because they care about you soon grow tired of "the other woman".

A woman needs to feel that she is the only woman, that she is adored and that you only desire her.

I'm just saying.... so be true to yourself, but be realistic about it too.

[Rianna Humble]

I appreciate all the great help. It looks like she and I will have to have a talk this weekend. If I start out by explaining gently that while I enjoy the panty wearing and play we have, I have an urge to take it further, I guess I'll just have to lay it out there and let the chips fall where they may. Here's hoping it goes well...

Whilst this has also got to be about what you want, you are in a relationship where the wants and needs of both partners are paramount.

I would not start by explaining your urge, but by asking her about her feelings. How does she truly feel about the amount of dressing and play you currently have? How would she feel about you taking it a step further?

Then you can explain about what happened last time and emphasise that you don't want to make the same mistakes.

If she asks why you never told her this to start with, be honest and tell her about your feelings both then and now.

Don't just set out your stall and let the chips fall where they may (to mix some metaphors), make her understand that you want to respect her feelings and she will be more likely to respect yours.

[lilmissemily]

I wouldn't say that she was "uncomfortable" at first, I'd just say she didn't understand. She says she enjoys our occasional play, and even surprises me with purchases of new panties. My concern now is how to incorporate full dressing –*if at all. If it's something she would rather me do in private without her, I do understand – I just have to know.

[Christina Horton]

in my previous relationship. But there wasn't much to it –*I never went out dressed, was usually only dressed when me and my GF were being sexual, etc. Only a few times did I dress fully without there being a sexual element......
I'm 100 percent convinced I'm straight...... Once I purged, I thought I would be happy just wearing panties and lingerie. Because honestly, panties are what excite me the most.......The reason for the thread is that now I'm starting to feel what was a first a slight urge to dress fully. But it seems to be growing, thus my need for help.........You'll never know what it means to me.



Ok been dressed for sex is also how alot her got started and it progressed to the point of going out dressed. There are some whom only dress at home , ETC. Everyone is different and will want more or less then others. If you think (SHE) is wanting out and to go out dressed then guess what hun......I think (SHE) will one day push it and be OUT.

You say your straight , so am I and lots of girls here to , But we need to express our fem-side some times or all the times. There is not a right way or a wrong way to do this just you need to do whats in your heart and be happy. Cuz if your not happy or like yourself then How can you LOVE YOURSELF!!!1


If it is building then I bet you with in a year will want more and if you tell your GF you only want to wear a little under garments well your setting yourself up for a huge fall and your GF will be hurt the most cuz you (lied to her) even if you (are lying to yourself) and don't know it yet.

Just as I said tell her your not sure how far you might need to take this and it could be all the way to dressing full time or worse yet in the very slight case maybe even SRS. I have a friends that started out just dressing and now she is thinking of SRS and that was not even in her mind at the onset of her CDing.Just make sure it something you both will always keep an open dialog going.

As for "You'll never know what it means to me." Trust me we have all been there with the needing advice and that advice helping us so much. I gained strength and courage form the girls and GGs here and with out them I would not be the women I am today. I thank God for this site and the girls and Guys here. I have learned so much and looks like your on the same path as I.

Just keep an open mind and never say never ever.:D

Remember only you can prevent forest fires only you....Oh sorry Smokey was talking through me ....Remember only you can say what you need you just have to know that the urge to dress may go up and down but they will never ( Oh I told you to never say that Oh Shit) go away. Food for thought!!!!:devil:

[ReineD]

Once I purged, I thought I would be happy just wearing panties and lingerie. Because honestly, panties are what excite me the most. I wear them almost full-time (I did wear full-time in my previous relationship). The reason for the thread is that now I'm starting to feel what was a first a slight urge to dress fully. But it seems to be growing, thus my need for help.

Emily, this says it all. I know it is important to strike a balance with your partner's needs too, but you cannot deny yourself. It will only get worse if you are not up front with her. Your love is new and right now you may feel that you can compromise. But the first flush of romance will fade in a few years. If you are already wanting to express your femininity more than just wearing underthings, it will be too easy to get into the push/pull of having you want to dress more and having her wanting you to dress less, if she is led to understand that you only want to wear panties.

She deserves to be told the truth now. Think of it this way: if you didn't have a gf, how much CDing would you be doing? Usually after having perfected a look, a CDer moves on to needing to go out and interact with others en femme (TG support groups, shopping, dining out, etc). Your gf can choose to participate or not, but she needs to know your needs so there will be no surprises down the line.

Your relationship will stand a much better chance at succeeding if you can be clear with her now.

[lilmissemily]

Thank you all. I guess I'm going to have to take the leap of faith and tell her how I feel. Hopefully she will understand and be supportive, even if she doesn't want to share this with me.

[Fab Karen]

( stops dialing the FBI ) Ohhh, you didn't murder someone. You're talking about yourself.
A leopard doesn't change its spots. Honest communication is key to a healthy relationship- done tactfully of course. Sometimes compromises are needed- and that does not mean ONE person doing all the compromising.

[charlie]

Hello Emily!
Sit down with your girlfriend and let her help you set the limits of Emily that she can cope with. Women usually seem not to want to have a lesbian in the house. They want their man. They can put up with fun quirks, but usually not a full time woman. Sit down and set limits. If she does not want Emily in bed with her, so be it. Maybe she does, but does not want Emily to go to tea with her. Limits my friend is the answer, rather then you finding the limits by exceeding them and being left.

[Samantha B L]

Emily,Crossdressing is almost certainly hormonal or somehow neurological in nature. It probably runs in families. You can quit for awhile but it always comes back. I think CD's should always thoroughly discuss their dressing with anybody they develope a fulltime serious relationship with. Being a CD doesn't mean you're perverted or sick.

[5150 Girl]

...Apparently, according to her, I got so wrapped up in being Emily (wanting to have Emily be in the bedroom, wanting to dress as Emily more, etc.) that she began to resent her –*and my male self in the process.

But now I'm starting to feel like maybe Emily wants to come back. I don't have a wig anymore, or forms, or any clothes aside from lingerie. But sometimes I wonder what it would feel like to be her again.
Of course you do,,, this life is imprinted into your DNA, and there isn't thing one you can do to change that!


What you and your girlfiend have to do is sit down and talk about expectations, and boundries. You have to strike a balance between your desires and wants and your girlfriends desires and wants.

Yep, that sounds about right...
and while you're at it, plese go read my post in the "loved Ones' forum, slugged "When kitty met Polarbear"

[lilmissemily]

Ok, a quick update...

So we talked last weekend, and I told her I wanted to expand my dressing. She told me that while she is comfortable with the panties and lingerie, she wants to wait a little before seeing anything else. She said she totally supports me, and I'm welcome to do whatever I like when she's not around, but she isn't ready for the full Emily yet.

[Rianna Humble]

That's progress, take it at her pace and you may be surprised how well it goes.

[JulieC]

Ok, a quick update...

So we talked last weekend, and I told her I wanted to expand my dressing. She told me that while she is comfortable with the panties and lingerie, she wants to wait a little before seeing anything else. She said she totally supports me, and I'm welcome to do whatever I like when she's not around, but she isn't ready for the full Emily yet.

Sounds fantastic! Abide by her wishes.