Discouraging Evening

[Cheryl James]

Having accomplished, at least to my acceptance level, the goals that I had set for myself for the past 13 days, I found myself in a quandary this evening. Two days ago I accomplished a major goal by shopping as Cheryl and purchasing a bra and a top in a department store. I was on cloud nine.

There are many goals left to be realized but some I just don't feel ready for, yet. So I decided to not go out but, rather, to stay home and take pictures. I figured it would be fun and would be instructive to me. I had thought that our digital camera was on vacation, also, but I happened upon it. It has a timer and can be mounted on a tripod. What else could a girl want?

Well, I'll tell you what a girl could want: To be able to purchase a storage device for it. Apparently, the camera is a little old by today's standards and today's market does not demand storage devices like the one in our camera. I didn't want to use the device in the camera as there were a lot of family pictures on it and Cheryl, unfortunately, is not a member in good standing in our family.

So, with the picture idea out, I decided to, once again, go to the mall. I had no burning desire to do this, but I figured that I need all the experience that I can get. So, I dressed very casually in a denim skirt, a white sleeveless top, 2-inch heels, my girl sunglasses and my girl readers in my purse. My leg hair is trimmed very short, but not shaved (another goal), so I, also, wore pantyhose.

I left the house at 6:30 which is still broad daylight in my neighborhood. It is tough to pull that off without totally wigging my neighbors out. I got out, but I don't know if I was seen or not.

About a mile from my house I have to get onto a high speed highway. As I was merging into the very congested traffic a car already on the highway pulled even to me. I glanced over to determine their intentions and to look for an opening to slide into. There was a teenage girl in the front seat of this car who glanced at me as I was glancing at her car. She did a double-take and started craning her neck to get a better look at me. This did nothing for my confidence.

Eventually I did arrive at the mall and entered two separate stores , but not the mall proper. Both stores were pretty crowded and I really didn't feel comfortable. In one I noticed one of the worker bees keeping track of me. They don't actually help customers, so there must have been other reasons for her interest in me. With minimal self-confidence, anyway, I found it to be disconcerting. Also, there were some code messages being broadcast over their loudspeakers and I imagined it to be code for "CD in women's wear".

In the other store I had no real problems until I heard a couple of loud footsteps nearby. I stopped and looked around but I didn't see anyone. So, I took a couple more steps and heard the same noise. It sounded sort of the clip-clop of horses hooves on television. Well, I looked down and noticed the source of the noise. The sole of my Goodwill bought ($5) right shoe was separating from the upper part of the shoe. So, I think that I have been read often tonight, my shoe is falling apart, and I have a long walk back to my car.

So, I am left to question, does confidence ebb and flow like the tide? Or, was my elation the other night just dumb luck never to be repeated? I did kind of laugh at myself because I have known beautiful women who, often, made the serious comment that they felt ugly. They couldn't have been ugly if they wanted to. But, apparently, I can with little or no effort.

[StaceyJane]

There have been times I have felt like everyone in the world is looking at the guy in a dress.
Don't be discouraged.
Just keep on going out, your confidence will increase.

[NathalieX66]

If I'm in my car driving down the street or an interstate highway, I have never been stared at. If I'm in a grocery store or a department store like Macys' , a few will notice but I have yet to be stalked or harrassed. Publically, I dress to blend in. People are apt to notice the outift you are wearing before they notice you. There is a full-time CD'er in my town that is taller than 6 ft, is old enough to recieve social security, and likes to wear very short skirts & high stilletos, and poufy petticoats while walking downtown...that is guranteed to get looks, and cause cars to collide. ...saw it happen.

Passability comes with fitting in with what the overall scenery is wearing, particularly women. mybe that contradicts your idea of crossdressing the way you want, but the way women typically dress is what it is. The bottom line, IMO, is that crossdressers dress differently than women.

I have learned that, while in public, if people notice you they think you are staunchly transgender, but NOT an exhibitionist if you dress the way women typically do. I have dressed in tight jeans, a ruffly top & ballerina flats, and I swear that nearly no eyes latch on to me.

[AKAMichelle]

There is your post. I was looking for it but I didn't see it originally.

The answer to your question is yes you do have ugly, frumpy, fat days. It is part of being a cd'er. We have moments of bravery which takes us to new limits and then the next day we have trouble reaching the previous level. Once you are read, it is unsettling. Because you want to think that no one will ever notice but they do. It takes a long time and effort to get your look down and if you don't keep going out you will never get that look which you are striving towards.

Don't be discouraged. It takes a lot of courage to get as far as you have. But to get to the next level, you just have to suck it up and go forward regardless of the consequences. Sometimes you will find that traveling further from your home will allow you the courage to go further than you previously thought possible. The security that no one will know who you are is very fulfilling.

If you were here in Denver, we would knock that fear right out of you. If you don't get any further, maybe you ought to come visit. I'm sure we could get you worked into shape quickly. :devil: We would have you eating out, shopping and doing just about everything en femme before you left. You could even do some sight seeing while dresed. You might never want to leave. We might have to kick you on the plane dressed to fly back home. At least that would be one of the bucket list items. :devil:

[nikkijo]

If I'm in my car driving down the street or an interstate highway, I have never been stared at. If I'm in a grocery store or a department store like Macys' , a few will notice but I have yet to be stalked or harrassed. Publically, I dress to blend in. People are apt to notice the outift you are wearing before they notice you. There is a full-time CD'er in my town that is taller than 6 ft, is old enough to recieve social security, and likes to wear very short skirts & high stilletos, and poufy petticoats while walking downtown...that is guranteed to get looks, and cause cars to collide. ...saw it happen.

Passability comes with fitting in with what the overall scenery is wearing, particularly women. mybe that contradicts your idea of crossdressing the way you want, but the way women typically dress is what it is. The bottom line, IMO, is that crossdressers dress differently than women.

I have learned that, while in public, if people notice you they think you are staunchly transgender, but NOT an exhibitionist if you dress the way women typically do. I have dressed in tight jeans, a ruffly top & ballerina flats, and I swear that nearly no eyes latch on to me.



if you saw me day to day... you would be hard pressed to say what gender i was... because i could be either a girl or a guy... because with what i do its kinda the tshirt/jeans typical blue collar type setting.. rest assured those that know what to look for know everything is female clothes... but thoes that dont would assume that im just another guy dressed in typical clothing for my profession... even when i dress in dresses or skirts, i generally get the comments from women.. saying i am dressed better than they are in exactially what they would want to be wearing if they had taken the extra 5 min to dress up a bit more.... as long as you dont do the flamboyant generally people dont notice and actually passing is easier if you dress with the looks the locals are wearing

[Chickhe]

There are good and bad days. Except, if you are confident you care less about the imperfections that happen when you are out. At first, I think most of us are paranoid. What you can do, is decide to laugh at the things that don't go well and give benefit to the doubt...just convince yourself you belong and go about your business as if you do what you are doing everyday. If people see fear and doubt on your face they look for more...so wear a smile. If you are happy looking, they stop studying you.

[msginaadoll]

Everyone has the blah days. The days you feel like people are watching u and gawking or u dont feel pretty. In most cases its not the turth but perception is a tuff thing. I guess it just makes the days when things seem good and the panets in alignment all the better.

[boardpuppy]

The girls are so right, there are good days and bad but remember GG had years to perfect the look they have on a daily basis. Young teens prance around, take 2 hours trying on clothes and doing make up just to go to the mail box. Litttle things help when going out, but remember be yourself, smile alot and most of all have fun.

Hugs,
Alice

[t-girlxsophie]

Every trip out as a CDer is different,It can depend on other ppls reactions,or indeed the way you are feeling about yourself.I was nervous the last time I was out because it had been a while,But it was this time i finally realised just hold my head up and be confident ,you will then get through it fine.

[tricia_uktv]

Hi Cheryl, keep going... keep trying ... build up your attitude and your confidence. We all started out thinking everyone was looking at us. Now I love it when I get some attention (arrogant bitch that I am). But I know who I am and what I am. Don't take yourself too seriously. I promise that if you prrsevere you will have the time of your life. Its all about attitude girl; go for it, be proud of what you are and have fun!

[Mea GG]

Remember how Mary Tyler Moore was always so perfect on her show? :battingeyelashes:

They had an episode once, where her dress was messed up, she had to borrow one from Rhoda, her hair ended up half curled, the heel of her shoe fell off, I forget what-all, everything just kept going wrong, and that of course was the night her character won an award.

but it was a good show because we all have days when things don't go quite right.

And the GGs have stuff happen too. I had my dress tucked in my pantyhose in downtown Chicago rush hour for 3 blocks before someone told me. :eek:
Thank God before everyone had a camera in their cell phone.

I do have more if that's not good enough. :o