stress and crossdrressing

[Ames]

At my request and after careful thought we both decided to see a new theropist as I was not very happy with the way the sessions were going with my husband's former one. I felt he was moving too fast in transitioing and later seemed to feel some regret or be hesitent with what he was doing. he had implants then went on hormones, then off them and seemed to be unhappy with what he was doing, so we both went to see another counselor.

the new theropits seems to feel that stress is effecting his moods and levels of crossdressing, I never thought of my hubby as having a extremly stressfull life or job, and while i know tht stress can effect people in different way I never thought of it effecting his desire for breasts and hormones. I was wondering if any of you every heard of stress effecting one this way?

Ames :)

[StaceyJane]

Possibly
It seems obvious your husband is not ready to transition.
That's okay, there is no need to rush anything. Perhaps a comfort zone can be found.
If crossdressing is for stress relief then just enjoy the crossdrsssing and not worry about transition.

[Kelly DeWinter]

... I never thought of my hubby as having a extremly stressfull life or job, and while i know tht stress can effect people in different way I never thought of it effecting his desire for breasts and hormones. I was wondering if any of you every heard of stress effecting one this way?

Ames :)


Spouses generaly do not know what is stressful for their husband or wife. Life changes also bring on different stress levels in a spouse. A death in the family,move,job change. It's more about how someone deals with stress, if you search the threads her, one recurring theme is that crossdressing relieves stress for some (not all). So if you think of it , for some it can become a cycle, calm,work stress, dress (relief), calm. There are a lot of cd/tg girls who destress by just spending a night enfem. so they might reason the longer they dress, the less stress they will have. Then if you go back to work and the stress is still there, then it's most likely they need to find a way to remove or less the impact of whats causing the stress in the first place.

Your husband may be finding that transitioning is not aleviating whats causing stress in his life, but is adding to it.

Going slower and a new therapist is probably the right thing to do.

Kelly

[Taylor186]

For me, the higher my stress level, the more I want to crossdress. I've just assumed it to be an escape mechanism or relief valve so-to-speak. Stress hasn't pushed me to hormones or surgery though.

[Loni]

i have to agree with taylor186.
i am just so much more relaxed while dressed.

and i love your kitty.

[nikkijo]

the more i dress.. the more i need to be nikki... hormones will be brought up soon........ becaue as my guy self i find myself ultra ultra short fused and all around un happy... where as in nikki mode im more apt to be happy and or better emotionally..

[NathalieX66]

Transitioning is directly tied to one's sense of self, which, IMO, goes waaaaaaay beyond the daily stresses of life and work. I am curious how he has gone to the state of doing implants and hormones. I always thought that such a thing runs deep enough that you plan your life around it. Is it day to day things that are causing the stress, or the grand plan?

[ReineD]

Hi Ames, I'm glad to see you again. :hugs:

In order to get you the best advice possible from everyone here, I thought it might be best to post a recap of your posts:

In December '08 your husband had just had breast implants after having had 10 sessions with a counselor, who wrote a letter approving his request. But, in your posts 3 weeks after surgery, you indicated that both you and your husband were having a difficult time dealing with the changes at an emotional level. At the time, your husband said that he had no intention of becoming a woman, but he wasn't quite sure how far he wanted to go. Your husband's friends had issues with his breasts and you thought this might have contributed to his unhappiness.

In April '10, you gave an update and you indicated that your husband had been on hormones for about 9 months, but had decided to stop taking them. He did tell you he was happy he had tried them, but he wasn't ready to go further for now and he felt happier not taking them. You also said that you sensed that he was having second thoughts about his breasts and he seemed to want to hide them while in guy mode. He also wasn't very comfortable talking about the issue.

Ames, given what you've posted, I wonder if your husband's current unhappiness has more to do with regrets over having modified his body than any job or life stresses that might be affecting his desire to dress. I'm surprised that your husband's therapist has not thought of this.

Forgive me, but I'll be blunt. I sense that sometimes pink fog can be so intense that a CD might think he is TS and that he wants to modify his body .... until it happens, and then he discovers that he doesn't feel any differently, he hasn't been transformed into the woman he thought he would be. In your husband's case, even the HRT didn't help. And instead, if he still has to go to work as a guy, he finds himself in the embarrassing position of having to explain having breasts. He doesn't feel like he is a woman, but now he doesn't look like a regular guy either. It is hard to live life in between.

In your husband's case, there were only 10 sessions with a therapist before giving the go-ahead for the surgery. He is very fortunate that you are such a supportive partner, so the therapist likely felt it was the best decision to have made? I wonder if your husband would still have wanted real breasts had he lived as a woman full time for at least one year, or at least if he had kept the breast forms on 24/7 for a year. The point I'm getting at is that perhaps he is not TS and the stress he is experiencing now is regret over having made the decision to have the BA.

I'm not a doctor, but I'm guessing that BAs can be reversed? It can be difficult to think of doing this especially given the costs, but IMO it is best for your husband to have the body that he wants than having to live with a mistake for the rest of his life. There is no shame in having made wrong decisions. I can't imagine how difficult it is to be transgender ... it's not like they are given blue prints for how to do this.

Perhaps your husband felt that he should either be a guy or a girl, and the thought never occurred to him that he could be both?

I may be completely out of line having made these suggestions, but it might be something you could discuss with your husband and your therapist. I wish you both all the best in whatever you decide to do. Please do keep us up to date with the developments. :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

[Joanne f]

I think you need to figure out what is causing that stress, is the therapist pushing harder or faster than your husband wants to go as i am sure that therapist`s sometimes think you need pushing in a certain direction instead of letting you decide where you want to go .

[Chari]

Great advice from previous posts. IMO, it appears your husband continues to have mixed emotions/confusion as to what gender he should be, and if he made the right choice with prior hormones and surgery. Transgendering sometimes creates more mental stress than physical. He may feel trapped/stressed in an in-between zone - neither being accepted as a total female or male. Most therapists insist on at least one year living completely as the "new" gender to adopt to those life changes/styles before any major body alterations occur. Please don't give up! Talk with your new therapist, explaining what mood your husband is in, and what can be done now to improve husbands life.

[Jennifer in CO]

Hiding transition can be as stressful as the general causes of stress themselves. I hid my breasts for many months before being outed and believe me, its stressful. Most people couldn't understand why I was so edgy and somewhat distant. I just didn't want people touching my shoulders or back and feeling a mandatory bra. I say mandatory as my nipples were so pert, they looked like tent poles under the big top so a bra had to be worn to tone them down. When I quit hiding them and myself and completed transition several months later, everyone couldn't get over how relaxed and fun to be around I was again. Like some weight (duh) had been lifted.

So yeah, I'll bet he's stressed over someone finding his 'secret' and it causing MORE problems/stress at work than just work itself. If he's got sick time or vacation then take a week or two and see how relaxed he can get. Go someplace that he can be a girl OR a guy with breasts as it won't matter when you go home as no one there knows you. He may want to look at another job that he can be upfront about who and what he is. Then he can be himself (or herself) and everyone knows and wont care if he gets his work done. Been there...done that. I had surgery for a blocked urinary tract 20 years ago that I had to wear a cath for almost 4 months...and no pants/pressure of any kind on the crotch area. Boss found out and said she didn't care how I looked just they needed me back. So after my 1st Dr appointment after surgery, I went back to work and wore a skirt. At first I was VERY nervous about it. After a couple of weeks and everyone seeing me, it was no big deal. Once it was no big deal, I started enjoying wearing skirts and went from two knee length denim skirts to all kinds of skirts...and tops and... The make-believe stress of being me was gone once I was comfortable being me (does that make sense?). He needs to first get comfortable in his own skin which it sounds like he has not allowed himself to do. Take that time off...and tell him to learn to be who he is and if he finds himself comfy in the middle, then so be it...

next ;)

Jenn

[DonniDarkness]

hey ames,

Jen in CO has a great point. Its probably not the job itself.
When going through our phases of acceptance within ourselves, we hit these ruts in the road that sort or de-rail the "Jane Train". From your last post i remember from about a month ago,
it seemed he was still trying to figure himself out. Take a vacation....go on a weekend getaway.....get out of town a few nights a week and make an effort to do something out of the ordinary routine. It helps me to do something i like when i am facing stress about dressing.

its hard to separate the problems from everyday life when we get caught up in the routine of being successful. i really hope he would give his innerself a chance before calling it quits, after so much effort was put in to being happy. Using the tool of modern medicine to change oneself outwardly is a huge step. Does he appear to be happy with himself at all? If there has been this much effort into the pursuit of transition, where does he think he wants to be as a Transgender person?

[ReineD]

Ames, I forgot to ask earlier. Initially he didn't want to transition but just wanted breasts. Is he now considering transition? Would he like to resume the HRT?

[AmandaM]

Sometimes, the transgendered feelings cause stress, and stress causes transgendered feelings. It may be hard for him to tell the difference.

[JenniferB]

I'm not a doctor, but I'm guessing that BAs can be reversed? It can be difficult to think of doing this especially given the costs, but IMO it is best for your husband to have the body that he wants than having to live with a mistake for the rest of his life. There is no shame in having made wrong decisions. I can't imagine how difficult it is to be transgender ... it's not like they are given blue prints for how to do this.

ReineD, you make good points here, maybe this is what he needs to do.
This whole story confuses me. I have implants and I had no question whether or not I liked them after I got them. I knew I wanted them, and I now love having them. I'm also on hormones. Of course, I'm living female fulltime, maybe that's the difference. Am I TS? I guess I'm still figuring that out.

[Rachel05]

I work in a reasonably stressful, job and at times it is very stressful and as my stress levels increase, the more need I have to dress en femme and it brings my stress levels right down and makes me feel good again

What it doesn't do to me is make me want to go any further than cross dressing though, so not sure if this is the same thing at all!!

[DonnaT]

It's not necessarily stress from work.

Sounds more like second thoughts based on interactions with "friends" and others.

When LA sportswriter Mike Penner transitioned to Christine Daniels, she continued at her job and was supported by her employer. She seemed quite happy, etc.

But she lost her wife and some of her other friends, and apparently became despondent over her losses. So she transitioned back to being Mike.

Although no one knows for sure, but it's likely that since she wasn't happy as Mike before becoming Christine, becoming Mike again was too much for her.

I suggest talking to your husband about Mike/Christine, to get a his feelings about any similarities, if any. It might be better done during a therapy session.