Why is harder to tell a guy that a woman?

[AKAMichelle]

I have told several women that I crossdress. I have found some accepted and some didn't.

But what I don't understand is why I feel no fear telling a women, but never a guy. I was on the phone the other day with a good friend for 10 years and I couldn't tell him about my cd'ing. I have no idea of what would happen, but I just couldn't do it.

Anybody know the answer to this one?

[KarenS]

Good question Michelle. I have wondered that myself. I do still have issues with telling some women though also.

[Joanie B]

I have told several women that I crossdress. I have found some accepted and some didn't.

But what I don't understand is why I feel no fear telling a women, but never a guy. I was on the phone the other day with a good friend for 10 years and I couldn't tell him about my cd'ing. I have no idea of what would happen, but I just couldn't do it.

Anybody know the answer to this one?
Hi Michelle,
I feel the same way. I think for me it is partly because I am more comfortable around women anyway, but not so much around guys. Somehow girls seem to be more open and understanding in general. I think too that for some guys that I might tell there is still the stigma of being a weirdo or pervert or something very negative in their eyes.

For either gender, I can usually tell who wil be accepting or not based on their overall philosophy, life style etc. If I don't think they wil be accepting, I just don't tell them (boy or girl).
That is my 2cents.

Hugs,
Joanie

[Lorileah]

mostly because when you tell a guy they take three steps away and start acting like you are some sort of viper or they take three steps closer and start to act like a viper

[Cassandra Lynn]

Seems fairly basic to me. We have been taught to be a man, we must always be strong and this leads to never wanting to be seen as less than manly by our fellows.
Sad as that may seem, there is truth to it.
Thing is we are braver for what we are than most non-CD men could fathom, especially when we come to terms with our femme sides, and can accept what we are.
Just my 3 1/2 cents (economically adjusted, of course)

[Katie1234]

Because the human mind thinks that whatever gender the action the person is performing is closer to, you naturally are more comfortable telling that gender.

[Raine]

I have told more guys than I have told girls about my crossdressing. I don't think the fear in telling men about one's crossdressing is baseless though. Men have been much more apt to make sly negative remarks and take action on their beliefs, although acceptance between women and men has been about the same.

One of my male friends that's a comic artist eventually made a small comic where one of the main antagonists was a crossdresser, and he made no bones about his dislike of them through hyperbole. :doh:

[Karenmarie]

You have grown up as a male, man, macho, playing football or baseball
and maybe even being the prop KING in high school. You have heard
all of the jokes and comments made by boys thru-out the years about
"there's queers and steers" and I don't see any horns on you. hahahahaha
You have also heard the comments, "boy, if a queer tried to talk to me
I'd kick his a--." These are just 2 little simple things while growing up.
Where did 99.99% of these jokes come from???? Men or your buddies.
These kind of "jokes" were very seldom told around the "girls circles"
or you didn't think that they were.

Maybe you never entered into these kinds of "jokes with the boys" but
you might have been there. I feel that this sort of up-bringing that
most of us has been brought up with makes it a little harder to go to
a friend or brother and say "oh, by the way, I wore the prettiest pink
dress the other day with a really pretty pair pink pantyhose and shoes.
ha!ha!ha!ha! This is not the way that you would approach your best
friend, but when toy think about it; eventually......someday...... So
this is maybe 1 reason for for your conflict to tell men more so than
women.

Time will solve these problems. I have a friend who is finding a lot more
really true wishers than the others.
Good luck to you

[Dana]

Well its largely because of social and cultural conditioning. Historical myths and fallacies

It also a largely part of such of the above that if your a CD or such?

That your are at the very least bisexual or gay ~ when in fact? The exact opposite is true.

True they're are gay and bisexual men that cross dress ~ but its about the same percentage wise as the general men that pump iron, are body builders,

Gay men prefer real masculine men.

For the most part from what I've read on the Internet?

Gay and bi-sexual men disdain crossdressers?

[faltenrock]

I agree, I tend to talk to woman only about it.

[Dana]

Well its largely because of social and cultural conditioning. Historical myths and fallacies

It also a largely part of such of the above that if your a CD or such?

That your are at the very least bisexual or gay ~ when in fact? The exact opposite is true.

True they're are gay and bisexual men that cross dress ~ but its about the same percentage wise as the general men that pump iron, are body builders,

Gay men prefer real masculine men.

For the most part from what I've read on the Internet?

Gay and bi-sexual men disdain crossdressers?

And lesbians and such think we're nothing but a joke!

[noeleena]

Hi.

I cant speak as a male because of how im wired. yet i do understand some details.

A male is totaly different than a woman , in how we think act live & see things. we are more senitive & of cause theres a lot more ,

& your right many men are strong body wise & mentaly wired different. & use that as a means of getting there own way,
So they see all men in the same light. & women for many to be used for thier own ends,
When a male is soft or kind, gentle ,you know what im saying ,
theyr seen as not like them .there are other names they use,i wont,
& more so when we jump the fence. & become women , they cant , or wont accept us even as women ,tho for some of us we have allways been female ,/ women. just could not show it .

Yet its some what different for my self , as was proved on saterday just gone ,
we had a school get to gether. 120 people turned up , 4 from my class of 1953 3 men & 1 woman ,well was i accepted, that has to be a very big yes. & even others both men & women got on well with me as we talked,
& i took some of the pics of our class s for them to see.
& as it was, i was complemented on being who i am,

For those who do dress i know its hard for some to come to terms with who you are out side of your door, yet faceing up to who are & letting others in to your life can be a big burden lifted,

& as a twist i had a G P / D r, come to me to day & he was very open about him self not some thing that a person does to a stranger,
well im finding that males are becoming more open to those difference s .
& because im avalable to people they are prepared to talk with me.

I belive that we in n z , as a nation are coming to terms with those difference s that we have , & people dont see me as a threat so can accept who i am & get to know who i am as a person. then as a woman.

& we will look forward to our school reunion in 2012.

...noeleena...

[Andy66]

And lesbians and such think we're nothing but a joke!
Wow, how sad that you believe that. :sad:

[Von]

I haven't told anyone. Except here. But I know what you mean. So here's a theory:

Assuming that we are talking about platonic situations in both cases - I think it boils down to what's expected of you in the respective relationships (or what we think is expected). If It's a woman, and there is no romantic interest, it just means you have more in common. You are interested in women's clothing, and maybe it makes you a little more sensitive and empathetic (seems to me), and easier to relate to. You can fulfill what's expected of you in the relatioship, and then some. Generally positive things.

But with a guy, what's typically expected from a male friend? That you are pretty much like them. There is generally no benefit to you being more like (or looking more like) a woman. You've made it more difficult to relate to you & understand you.

In short, nothing lost from a platonic relationship with a woman, some things gained.

But with the guys, something is lost - an ability to relate - they don't feel the way you feel, about some things at least.

To put it simply, you are more like the woman now (in appearance/attire at the very least), and less like the man now. We intuitively understand this is more likely to result in a positive reaction from a woman, and a negative reaction from a man. Of course this requires the employment of sterotypes and generalizations. The ultimate reaction depends a lot on the individual presumably.

[lee in a skirt]

Its probably because men in general will laugh and pick on someone for such behaviour whereas as females are generally more accepting.

[BRANDYJ]

I have told a number of women that I have become friends with. Once I got to know them and figured out how they may accept my confession, it now is not that hard to tell a GG friend. But I have to have a sense about her ability to be accepting first. So far, I have not made a mistake in choosing who I trusted. As fr men, I have told only 2 different men that were friends. One was into a kink not related to crossdressing, but it gave me a sense that he would be at least non-judgmental. He accepted it and we remained friends...good friends at that. Next was a totally redneck true back hills country boy that I became good friends with. I told him about it and his reaction was total acceptance and did not bat an eye.
The only other male I have told was my own brother. That was a huge mistake. We have not talked since I told him 2 years ago. His brand of Christianity tells him I am going against God's wishes etc. Intolerance among the so called Christians makes me angry and glad I am not one of them.

But I agree, it is easier to tell a GG then to tell a man. In general, I believe women are more accepting, more understanding, less judgmental, compassionate and more willing to accept things out of the so called norm. Men are so fragile with their egos and so protective of their macho presentation that they tend to put down anyone or anything that is considered gay or sissy. For many, I think it is a false front, but they have to maintain that macho image even if they deep down envy or wish they could be as open as some of us are.

[Ashley S]

I think an equal proportion of guys and girls know about me. I guess I was pretty lucky that my guy friends accepted the fact that I'm still the same person they've known for years, and still have the same interests. It didn't seem to affect things one bit. But these are people in their early to mid twenties, who come from fairly liberal areas.

[t-girlxsophie]

Simple answer and we all know it-It's A Man Thing,anything out of the norm leads most guys to run a million miles.Though I have a cpl male friends who know and are ok with it,they dont wanna know anything about it,but they still cool with me
Just my:2c:worth

[Sophie_C]

I have told several women that I crossdress. I have found some accepted and some didn't.

But what I don't understand is why I feel no fear telling a women, but never a guy. I was on the phone the other day with a good friend for 10 years and I couldn't tell him about my cd'ing. I have no idea of what would happen, but I just couldn't do it.

Anybody know the answer to this one?

It's much, much easier than you think.

1. Crossdressing is most commonly associated with homosexuality by the public at large.
2. Many men are insecure and threatened by homosexuality.

Therefore, crossdressing threatens your relationship with a man. If you're presumed to by homosexual by a male friend, that makes it immediately possible to them that you are attracted to them, while to a female friend, it changes nothing even possible about the platonic relationship between you two. In fact it strengthens the platonic nature of it.

:eek:

[Jonianne]

Women tend to be easier to confide heart stuff with, but I have shared about my cd'ing with several straight guys as well. You just have to find others, male or female who are sensitive and willing to be in a heart sharing, vunerable mode. After I was able to share my vunerable stuff with them, a couple of them started telling me about things on their heart, that they had never told anyone else.

That's so neat when people feel safe enough to open up to you.

[Daintre]

To tell it from the heart, I cannot tell other men my inner feelings, I just can't lay it out and see what happens. I have surrounded myself with women providers, doctor, lawyer, therapist. My best friend turned on me so that now I am so careful who I tell. I wish it were not so but I have lost so much, I can't afford to lose any more.

[victoriamwilliams1]

For me I most of the guys I know are hyper males when it comes to dressing so it would not be nice!!!

[Kirra_Moon]

It's much, much easier than you think.

1. Crossdressing is most commonly associated with homosexuality by the public at large.
2. Many men are insecure and threatened by homosexuality.

Therefore, crossdressing threatens your relationship with a man. If you're presumed to by homosexual by a male friend, that makes it immediately possible to them that you are attracted to them, while to a female friend, it changes nothing even possible about the platonic relationship between you two. In fact it strengthens the platonic nature of it.

:eek:


That is what I was thinking.

[Christinedreamer]

I have discussed the disdain that many men have for TGs on other NON TG forums and chats. I used a pink font when typing and that raised questions. After feigning just a personal like of the color pink and no more, I finally opened up about being a CD. Many were intrigued and just as many males as females were turned off and upset. That opened the door.

I explained the basic biology, M/F development to them as a group and when some of the guys hollered BS I told them to take a look at themselves the next time they showered.

First the obvious, why do men have nipples? Next, I told them to look at their scrotum carefully. You see that little crease that looks like a healed scar? Well it IS. The line is Natures "suture line" that would have not occurred IF the hormones had not flooded your system at the right time and the right chemical make-up the cause you to develop fully as a male. Otherwise, that "suture line" would have been the sides of the labia of a vagina.

The testicles are merely repurposed ovaries and are INSIDE the body for the first 10 years or so, usually.

I went on to explain that both men and women who identify fully as such, carry BOTH estrogen and progesterone as well as testosterone and that as men age, testosterone is converted into estrogen derivatives such as estradiol.

Some guys came back with an "Well I'll be damned, I didn't know that" response while others played the usual pseudo-macho bravado scene to the hilt.

Once the ice was broken, the more intelligent of the chat participants joined in a lively Q&A session and now many are quite pleased to chat when I pop in. They usually still gently tease me what dress I am wearing or joke about me having nicer things than they do, etc. I get a kick out of that.

I have even offered some ideas advice on bridal gowns and my personal favorite- peignoirs. Most women nowadays don't even know what they are!

I also have a few male admirers in the rooms and of course I play that to the hilt although I am not too attracted to men per se.

[PortiaHoney]

Girls can't catch the virus that forces you to wear womens clothes because they already have it.
However............

:devil:

[ReineD]

It's because more men are homo/transphobic than are women. It begins in grade 2 when boys think that girls have cooties.

[darla_g]

So many guys (who don't crossdress) just have this stereotype about CD'ers that we all know and its just not socially acceptable.

Women tend to much more open and accepting. There are exceptions especially with spouses who may feel threatened in some way or maybe just don't want their partner to be doing it.

So no i have never told any guy friends and I don't think i ever will.

[AKAMichelle]

You have grown up as a male, man, macho, playing football or baseball and maybe even being the prop KING in high school. You have heard all of the jokes and comments made by boys thru-out the years about "there's queers and steers" and I don't see any horns on you. hahahahaha You have also heard the comments, "boy, if a queer tried to talk to me I'd kick his a--." These are just 2 little simple things while growing up. Where did 99.99% of these jokes come from???? Men or your buddies. These kind of "jokes" were very seldom told around the "girls circles"
or you didn't think that they were.


mostly because when you tell a guy they take three steps away and start acting like you are some sort of viper or they take three steps closer and start to act like a viper

I think this just about explains it plus the fear of being gay. Once we tell the stigma of this being a gay thing takes over. Being friends with a cd'er means they are on the same side of the fence - GAY. Sad but true. You think a few of these guys are a little insecure with themselves. :D

[Elizabeth Ann]

I haven't told any men, but I still feel it would be easier to confide in women, based on my interactions with strangers. At least for me, I don't think it is homophobia, or even any other sort of fear of males. I have always felt comfortable with taking care of myself in just about any situation I find myself in.

I think it is related to the fact that women seem less judgmental than men. Specifically, a woman may think of me as odd or someone she doesn't wish to know, but still another human being with the respect that entails. With men, they may think me gay, or just plain crazy. I can deal with that without too much trouble. I think what would really bother me, though, is that I think many men would consider me less of a person: not less of a man, or a man with distasteful behaviors, but someone they would think of as inferior.

I don't know why this would bother me so. I try to steer my life by my own internal compass, to be the arbiter of my own self worth. But it does.

Liz

[Shari]

Why is everybody missing the obvious?

Women are less likely to beat you up.

[AKAMichelle]

Why is everybody missing the obvious?

Women are less likely to beat you up.

Or how about the fact that we become less of a threat when we a GG. We are wanting to be like them.

[Deborah Jane]

Why is everybody missing the obvious?

Women are less likely to beat you up.

Really?
You obviously don't know some of the women I know :eek:

[Prissy Linda]

Why is everybody missing the obvious?

Women are less likely to beat you up.

The key words in Shari's statement is that woman are LESS likely to beat you up, of course there are exceptions but women are not usually as threatening.

Linda

[Christina Horton]

And lesbians and such think we're nothing but a joke!


I have met lots of and my sister is gay and I have never heard them say that. I think you are mistaken.


Why is everybody missing the obvious?

Women are less likely to beat you up.

and even if they do try to beat you up and you going to punch a women. Unless they are threating my or other peoples life I will not hit a women even if I'm dressed as one. That's just me though.



I have told lots of guy friends and never had a prob. They know the kind of person I am and except my CDing with little or no prob. Of couse there's shock when you first tell them but after that there fine with it. They say it's my life and it's mine to live. I would say I've told maybe about ( now this is just a guess) 30 or 40 guy friends that I have know for years like when we were kids or young adults.

So it just depends on the quality of friends you seround yourself with. I have only wanted friends I thought were good people to be friends with. I was very picky as a kid.
But that's my :2c: worth.

[RebeccaLynne]

Anybody know the answer to this one?

I'll venture an answer I've not seen mentioned by the prior respondents, yet I feel has validity.

Permit me a sports analogy, here...

Although biologically assigned to the "Mens" team, we've rejected them in favor of joining the opposition.

And the "Womens" team has scored points through welcoming a new team member.

So to the men, you're a traitor.

To the women, you've not only refused to play on the men's team, you've rejected those values and actively chosen to play against them, siding up with the women...

May the best team win!

And I sooo dislike being on the losing side!:heehee:

[ReineD]

I have met lots of and my sister is gay and I have never heard them say that. I think you are mistaken.

There are militant lesbian communities out there who despise CDs and transsexuals. Check this group out, specifically the "Female identity and gender politics" sub forum: http://www.michfest.com/forums/index.php

I'm sure there are accepting lesbians as well. My SO and I are always treated with politeness in lesbian hangouts. But they don't rush up to be our best friends either. It wouldn't surprise me if for the most part, lesbian groups accept TGs out of feelings of solidarity with the LGBT community in general, but they would never consider a CD to be one of them. I think it's hard for them to get beyond a CD's physical equipment.

[kellycan27]

It's because more men are homo/transphobic than are women.

With all of the " I am not gay" disclaimers I am guessing we have some right here in our own backyard. :heehee:

[smoothbikini]

It's because more men are homo/transphobic than are women. It begins in grade 2 when boys think that girls have cooties.

hit the nail on the head...:battingeyelashes:

[Alice B]

All the women I've told have been totally cool with it. But, men are conditioned from an early age to make fun of it.

[msniki48]

Seems fairly basic to me. We have been taught to be a man, we must always be strong and this leads to never wanting to be seen as less than manly by our fellows.
Sad as that may seem, there is truth to it.
Thing is we are braver for what we are than most non-CD men could fathom, especially when we come to terms with our femme sides, and can accept what we are.
Just my 3 1/2 cents (economically adjusted, of course)

Serene, you are so right! plus being friendly with a CD'er???? oooofaa! like what are people gonna think....like i'm some sort of wierdo or somthin? [bad words left out]:heehee::heehee: Yo...you know what i mean?

Women are not threatened by us...they may not be attracted to a feminine man... but they are not threatened. almost every woman in my circle of friends knows or suspects...and they all love me:battingeyelashes:

Even guys that know about me...know because their wives told them...not me.
and they still love me but don't ever talk about it.

just my:2c:

[Naomi Rayne]

There are tons of ways to explain this. Some very complicated, others very simple. I am gonna go the simple route and say that society tells men they have to compete and be the better man. The more "manly" you are the better off you are in society. Obviously this is nowhere near true, but that is how a lot of high school and college life is like which is when a lot of CDers start to dress. That behavior is then taken to when people get older and feelings are still the same even if the environment around them is not.

Also men are far less accepting because as someone said above the less they can relate the less they understand and then feel like they do not need you.

[Nicole Erin]

Yeah it is easier for me to tell women, well not much to tell, as I don't hide my tranniness. The men in my life who know don't treat me any different. Maybe say stuff when I am not about but as long as someone is nice to my face, that is all I really care.


There are militant lesbian communities out there who despise CDs and transsexuals. Check this group out, specifically the "Female identity and gender politics" sub forum..

I looked thru that a bit, WOW, they sure do spend a lot of energy bickering about stuff.
I could care less if lesbians consider me "one of them". When it comes to political junk, I could care less about that too.

For all their arguing, perhaps someone should remind then -
"Arguing on the Internet is like playing in the Special olympics, even if you win..." ehh better stop there. :heehee:

[AKAMichelle]

I looked thru that a bit, WOW, they sure do spend a lot of energy bickering about stuff.
I could care less if lesbians consider me "one of them". When it comes to political junk, I could care less about that too.

Sounds like us sometimes to me. Especially when we get on those good heated topics. It doesn't really matter if they like or accept us. I will never be a lesbian no matter how hard I try. So they will never want me on their team which is fine.

[ReineD]

girls can't catch the virus that forces you to wear womens clothes because they already have it.
However............

lol

[Karen564]

I think it's more because you don't feel as threatened by a woman...vs Men...

Not to mention, Women are by nature more nurturing/motherly/empathic ..so your more drawn towards that quality for understanding of your situation

In a nutshell, your scared of how a man will react...

Although in reality, not all men react as badly as you Think they will...But that all depends on the man......



But my question to all of you that are P/T CDers ...not planning on going 24/7

Why do you feel it's important to tell all your friends that your a CDer...?

Do they really need to know about this part of your private life?

[marny]

i've only toldone malr frie




i told one male friend. No not told. dressed. not so good! But curiously my wife and three daughters are all on board! Go figure!

[Elsa von Spielburg]

Honestly, it's been about exactly 50/50 with the guys/gals that I have or plan to tell, but then it's probably because I don't associate with any (if I can help it) trans/homophobic peoples. Honestly, I'm more nervous about telling the women-types than the men these days.