so please 'splain this to me...

[AlisonRenee]

I think I know the answer, but I'd love some feedback.

Seems I've been gradually losing my interest in sex as a male. My SO has definitely noticed. And the crazy thing is that it doesn't really bother me all that much.

On the other hand, I've been preoccupied with thoughts of sex as a female. Not so much the nitty-gritty, but the emotional and attractiveness aspects, as in I find myself having to think of myself being romanced and made love to as a female (emphasis made love) to keep up the male performance at all.

Dressing doesn't feel exotic at all, it feels just comfortable. First thing I did out of bed this morning was to put on a bra, because - I'm supposed to. There's no sexual thrill associated, just the thing to do.

At a wedding this weekend, I couldn't help but notice an uber-curvy, gorgeous, and voluptuous young woman, legs to die for, a dress I'd die for (well, not really), and I realized that I wasn't looking at her with lustful ambitions... more like, I wish I was her. Painfully so. (and there aren't enough surgeries to ever make me look like her, but well, I can dream).

Am I reaching some kind of tipping point? I'm feeling a bit as though I need to back off from my femme side, she's taking over. I'm just not sure that I can, nor that I want to, but if I let her take over, things could get ugly....

comments? What would you do?

[Empress Lainie]

I went down that same road too. I think the hormones do that to you. Makes it tough on a wife, I must say. Luckily or not, I don't have that problem since my girlfriend of 20yrs is just fine with me being female now, and still would marry me anyway.

I see hundreds of women every week and when I see the young shapely ones, I simply wish I looked like that.

[CharleneT]

Are you on any form of HRT ?

[AlisonRenee]

I'm not on HRT. I suspect that I'm producing more than enough estrogen on my own to light up some of the female brain wiring, and being mid 50s I'm not making so much T...

That's speculation on my part.

[AlisonRenee]

Are you on any form of HRT ?

Charlene, I think that I probably need to be on HRT -- and that is from a purely emotional perspective. I think I'm kind of a wreck, and the feminine feelings are becoming overwhelming. The problem is that I've got a literally life-sized apple cart to upset in terms of family, and I do not expect any kind of understanding... more like, I'm likely to destroy some precious relationships. I think I'm between a rock and a hard place. Let me further complicate this: I was a single parent with sole custody since my kids were quite young, so there are relationships here that run quite deep. (I found the mom plus dad role to be an amazingly easy fit. Imagine that.)

I have had T prescribed by my family doc for performance reasons in the past, and I don't like the way T makes me feel at all.

As for hormones, I have always been pretty aware that I must be a little estrogen-enhanced from the factory. Emotionally I have never fit the male model. I'm a little top-heavy by nature (makes cleavage creation fairly easy, but I'd rather not have to create). Actually, I think my boobs have grown a bit on their own recently despite a little weight loss, and I'm noticing beginnings of some sensitivity. Or, at least I seem prone to not leaving them alone.

I expect that someone's going to tell me to put up or shut up, and I couldn't blame them if they did. Maybe I'm just venting.

[CharleneT]

I am not suggesting HRT, just that can cause feeling such as you have to increase. It does sound like something like HRT would be a bad idea for you - at least now. A single parent is a hard row to hoe, my hat's off to ya for those years !!

Please do not worry about venting, we all do at times. That is part of what support forums like this are for :hugs:

[AlisonRenee]

I am not suggesting HRT, just that can cause feeling such as you have to increase. It does sound like something like HRT would be a bad idea for you - at least now. A single parent is a hard row to hoe, my hat's off to ya for those years !!

Please do not worry about venting, we all do at times. That is part of what support forums like this are for :hugs:

Leaving the family aspects out of the discussion, HRT probably is the right place for me to be from a medical slash emotional point of view. I'd likely feel much better. No, I think I'd feel right, which would be a large improvement. If it wouldn't make such a hash out of the world for everyone else, I think I'd be ready to explore transition. Problem is that I've created an impossible hole to climb out of by putting on the guy suit for too long. Now there's an interesting thought -- when AM I crossdressing: in guy mode or girl? The body is in vehement disagreement with the mind and soul.

Knowing what I know now, I should have listened to the four-year-old girl inside me who was telling me she wanted out.

[Laurie Ann]

Ihave been on hormones for almost a year. My wife and I have not made love for many years before that. I amn looking forward to being made love to as a woman and yes I too look at other woman wondering what it would be like to finally have all the plumbing correct so I am able to confidently be that woman.

[Jessinthesprings]

I can totally relate to your problem. I think you need to sit down and decide on the direction that you want to take. You may need some help guiding your decision either with your partner, a close friend, or a trained therepist.

what ever you choose it will not be easy, but when it comes to things like this you must chose for yourself and what is right for you. You cannot do this for anyone else or what someone tells you to do.

good luck

[Kaitlyn Michele]

:hugs:

i dont think you need no 'splainin

you might be well served to meet some ts women in your area for perspective and ideas how to approach your feelings..

[Karen564]

Sorry, I really cant relate to late onset of feeling like a woman...or gradual decrease in performing or wanting sex as a male...But I'm sure someone here can...

Performing or desiring sex as a male never felt right to me from day one...but I did do it, only because that's what was expected of me...but never in my life enjoyed it from any male perspective...and had to think of myself as the one receiving it from a female perspective in order to climax....if I didn't, then it just wouldn't happen..

I also always felt female going as far back as I can remember..and thought about it every day & night..only because I couldn't help it...then by the time I was a teenager, I turned to alcohol to drown out my thoughts so it didn't hurt so much..
But 5 years ago, at about the age of 44, I couldn't take it anymore...and had to start my transition or end my life..


So, I think it's time for you to get professional help & talk with someone..and then start making some very hard choices on how you want to live the rest of your life...

It's far from easy, and you may lose much more than you think at a later age...but if it's the right thing to do in your heart of hearts, then hopefully, it may be worth it in the end..

But I'll be honest & tell you right up front, it doesn't always end up with a fairy tale ending for everyone by the time it's all over with...and statistically speaking, the odds are not favorable..
But there are many of us that have survived through it pretty well..so it's not always all bad..

Good luck...:hugs:

[AlisonRenee]

:hugs:

i dont think you need no 'splainin

you might be well served to meet some ts women in your area for perspective and ideas how to approach your feelings..

That's probably a good idea. I'm not quite sure how to pull that off in closet mode, but it probably needs to happen.

I need some quality girl time, is what I need. Come to think of it, that's why I'm here. :)

[AlisonRenee]

Sorry, I really cant relate to late onset of feeling like a woman...or gradual decrease in performing or wanting sex as a male...But I'm sure someone here can...

The feeling-female isn't late onset, that started pre-kindergarten. I suppressed it when I hit adolescence, touched it briefly while married (20s, early 30s), but it never really went away. In the last 15 years I've let it emerge, and it keeps getting stronger.... which is where the loss of male desire has come into play.

I have zero illusions of a fairy-tale ending. Finding a happy medium may be my best outcome. There's considerable self-realization here, and part of that is knowing that my best years for transition are behind me.

It's really sad that the peak time to make the transition - young, before T really does its thing to bone and body structure and before life events complicate matters, yet old enough to make such a difficult decision - is the time when most of us are trying so hard to fit "the role" we seem born to. The youngsters who are brave enough to transition deserve considerable respect for being brave enough to recognize themselves - then.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

...if you are starting to become a wreck that is not gonna go backwards until you figure this out...this is whathappens, over and over and over...

, the trade offs you plan on making are not likely to bring you peace...and next year you are just gonna feel more trapped ..and more of a wreck...its like a broken record..

the put up or shut up you mention is not saying...hey if your ts, then transition or else...its more if you are really starting to feel miserable over this, so many of us have been there, and we all know that if you don't start to get serious about dealing with your feelings, then its not gonna work our very well ...

if you can bury it as venting , and you are really ok with that, in alot of ways thats a great outcome, and the venting can get you really valuable feedback about your feelings...
so vent away..you are getting great feedback already:hugs:

[AlisonRenee]

Kaitlyn, one suggestion that you made earlier - some interaction with other TS in the local community - is something I think I should do. Face-to-face discussion could be rather useful, and certainly would help with the sense of isolation. There's a local meetup group - Allie Summers is the "troop leader", I guess you could say - and I really should venture out for some of their events. Safe venue, safe company. I'm not sure how many of the women in Allie's circle are TS vs TV/CD, but it's probably a pretty sure bet that quite a few of them have been kicking this can around the block themselves.

Thanks for your thoughtful responses. Transition isn't right for everyone, I know, and I also know that sometimes transition isn't right because no matter how well the potential outcome may fit the very personal needs of the individual... it can't always be all about the individual. We all leave footprints wherever we've been. Life's full of compromises.

[JOJO44]

I think I know the answer, but I'd love some feedback.

Seems I've been gradually losing my interest in sex as a male. My SO has definitely noticed. And the crazy thing is that it doesn't really bother me all that much.

On the other hand, I've been preoccupied with thoughts of sex as a female. Not so much the nitty-gritty, but the emotional and attractiveness aspects, as in I find myself having to think of myself being romanced and made love to as a female (emphasis made love) to keep up the male performance at all.

Dressing doesn't feel exotic at all, it feels just comfortable. First thing I did out of bed this morning was to put on a bra, because - I'm supposed to. There's no sexual thrill associated, just the thing to do.

At a wedding this weekend, I couldn't help but notice an uber-curvy, gorgeous, and voluptuous young woman, legs to die for, a dress I'd die for (well, not really), and I realized that I wasn't looking at her with lustful ambitions... more like, I wish I was her. Painfully so. (and there aren't enough surgeries to ever make me look like her, but well, I can dream).

Am I reaching some kind of tipping point? I'm feeling a bit as though I need to back off from my femme side, she's taking over. I'm just not sure that I can, nor that I want to, but if I let her take over, things could get ugly....

comments? What would you do?





Alison, I know what you feel, and I wish I could offer an answer.

I, too, have dreamed about having someone make love to me (even to the point of "assuming the position") and letting my 'imagination run wild.

Yes, she (SO) was not happy.

I have dreamed, while out for an early morning walk, about having someone making a pass at me, and, how I would accept (coyly, of course).

When I get up in the morning (on Saturdays), I take a shower and get dressed for the day.

What do I wear? Check some of my photos.

I just feel that I need to be loved and cared for, that I need to take care of the things around the house, that I should be taking care of that special someone.

What can I do about it?

At my age (65) I do not have the choices available that a younger person would have.

And, I too, need to worry about what the 'young uns' would say or think.

This does not alleviate my thought patterns, or desires.

I still want to be the lady in need of her own man.

I know this does not answer any of your questions, or help you with your decision, but just know that you are not alone.

Love,
Jo

[morgan pure]

Alison,
Yes!

Because of my psychology the romance part is skewed, but in the nitty gritty I am ONLY a woman. 3 years on es. I study women, and I will never actually be one-the cultural condiditoning they were exposed to can't be artificially duplicated. But I observed it closely as it happened to my sisters and girl friends, gilfriends and more. I'm very in-between. My flakiness I attribute to my female side, even though I know very few flaky women. I am a stereotype. BUT, the hormones have changed my emotional perceptions and reactions to an extraordinary degree. I am noticeably more loving, caring, empathetic and understanding. I find presenting as a male more and more oppressive. I have no answers.

Morgan

[hopingsecret]

Post like this are my favorite to read. They underscore my own inner battles and highlight the sameness of our individual struggles. I read what you wrote and completely identified and it made me feel better about myself. However I'm in a very simular boat as you and have no idea what to do. In fact you're ahead of the curve in comparison as that I haven't dressed en femme for about 18 - 19 years.

I will say that even tho I desire to be female, it hasn't reached the point it has with you. Also I maintain a fairly butch persona, so even in just emotional role playing I don't get much chance to act out. So I think this helps keeps my female desires in check. I'm not telling you or offering being or acting more male as a solution. That would be foolish, wrong, and bordline immoral. In fact I'm not offering any advice, just solidarity.

Also I would say finding other tgs in your area is a good idea. I'm looking for some in my area to hang with and get advice from.

Much love and support,
Shannon:hugs:

[GBNatarii]

I have to ask the question...

Is it really a pure 100% feminine thing to actually want to be "made love to" instead of banging the first thing that's willing to do it with you?

I mean, even in guy mode, it's very easy for me to get into the mood when it's thought of as "making love" instead of "doing it." I feel I can easily... Ahem... Finish, whether I'm thinking in male mode or female mode.

Also, a related thought: Is it really a female only thing to actually want emotions for any random aspect of life, especially sexual or intimate settings?

I don't feel that at all. I think it easily applies to both sexes, just neither wants to admit that men are allowed to think that way. I mean, can any DNA males honestly tell me (And to really spin the question, any FTMs, or post op FTMs) that you're having sex or other related intimate events purely for the fact that it's there? Or are ya doing it because ya know... You actually want it? You actually like the feeling that who ever is with you at that time desires you just as much as you desire them?

And I've not even started making fun of the DNA males who have sex thousands of times to *Cough* compensate, if ya know what I mean. *Wink wink, nudge nudge*

Personally, I can easily see myself a bit in the future, say, 4 years on hormones, still thinking the same way about sex pretty much. Some times I want it for the sake of having it, releasing stress, etc. Some times I want it just because having the feeling of being that open emotionally and having the other person that open emotionally is enough to get me going.

(I'm really starting to think I get too nervous around sex and sex-related topics... as I also feel I went a bit off topic here...)

EDIT: Also, just in case any one wants to know... I'm sort of half way to what most of the above responses are. I'm not even on hormones or anything like that. I see an attractive girl and I immediately check the one spot that always grabs my male eye's attention-- Her hair. (Ha, you naughty people, thinking something else), and then two seconds later, my female eyes are looking at everything else. So I get a flash of "Wow, she's hot." followed quickly by "Wow... I'm SO jealous of that outfit, and those legs, and and and, etc."

[Empress Lainie]

I highly recommend Cosmopolitan Magazine for your enlightenment.

[Kimberly Marie Kelly]

When you reach a certain point you need to transition. It's not going to go away, it's not going to get better. Take it from your trans sisters. Kimberly Marie Kelly :battingeyelashes:

[trappedNhere]

By no means are you alone. I too often (way too often) think or dream (and fantacize) about being made love by and to a man. Lately (about the last (10 years) I have only been able to perform, well actually "finish" by thinking I'm the girl or other terms ;) having those things done to me

Yes, my wife defanatly notices. She even had me describe one of the "fantacies" to her and was astonished by how aroused I was. I hadent even noticed. She actually was upset and angry at my physical response. I was then very upset and wnet totally girl mode and tried to comfort her. Didn't go over too well

I'd tread lightly on "sharing" those thoughts. At least that's what I'm doing now! Don't want to cause any more hurt than comes with the realization and sharing of my true self anyway.

However, I do have times where those thoughts aren't "making love".

I long for the day I will just bust free and be the woman inside. Got a LONG way to go. I've been looking for and so far have not found any local support groups. So keep writing because for now all of you ladies (and men here too) are my support group

Have a wonderful evening full of those wonderful dreams, sexual or not!

Mmuuaah

[JOJO44]

Is it just for the sex? Is it just a dream of being on the other side of the fence?

Or do you actually think of all the other things that goes with being "the woman of the house"?

What about, for some, a career? What would you do?

Most women are stay at home, care for the kids, clean the house, cook the meals ad nauseum.

It's not just making love to that hunk next door! You married the slob from your high school! :puke:

[JOJO44]

Ouch! It appears that I killed this thread!
Sorry folks. That is not what I meant to do.
I do dream of picking up after 'my man', and I do that all the time (when home) for my SO.

Yes I do dream of having a man 'rock my boat', and I dream of picking up after him too.
(And keeping him out of my panty drawers).:D

[Melody Moore]

When you reach a certain point you need to transition. It's not going to go away, it's not going to get better. Take it from your trans sisters. Kimberly Marie Kelly :battingeyelashes:
I have to agree with Kimberly here because everything you are describing here Alison is typically transsexual.

When the compulsion to transition overrides everything else in your life then you need to get to a therapist
as quickly as possible or it will start to destroy you & your relationships because you wont ever be happy.

[Traci Elizabeth]

Before you jump on the Transsexual train, I would suggest you first see your GP and have him order blood tests for you and include an Estrodiol test and "T" test to see what's up with your hormones.

Then I would schedule an appointment with a therapist with transgender experience.

Then you can evaluate "you" in a more balanced realistic approach separating sexual fantasies from reality and making sure you are not suffering from the "Grass is Greener on the Other Side" syndrome.

You seem to have too much at risk to start acting on "daydreams" without getting a more clinical/medical conformations or disclosure of other causes for your feelings.

[Sejd]

your feelings about sex and the dificult part of fulfilling your role as the male lover is totally normal. I have gone through the same process. This does not mean that you should give up on working with this part of your love life with your SO. I can only guess, but your SO probably didn't sign up for a lesbian relarionship when she met you? She might play along, but if she is a straight woman, she has some right to a male lover and a husband, even if she accept your as a TG. It's a delicate walk, but you should think about where you fit in here and how you can maintain your mariage if you have a good one. I know how you feel about being made love to as a woman, it's a great fantasy for sure, but maybe there are some things we cannot have here in life if we want to stay married? I have chosen to accept these feelings and not act on them. I think there is a lot of responsibilities which comes along with a good mariage and we all have to give something. I am sure it has not been a cake-walk for your wife to accept your TG situation. If I were in your place I would try and show your SO how much you are willing to work on this and see where the two of you can find some common ground. Good luck :0)