Who And Why

[hopingsecret]

First let me say thank you to everyone here. Your welcomes were warm and friendly and everyone here has been great. Thanks.

Ok, now it's time to get down to business. I came here to try and figure myself out. Well, at least one part of myself. I doubt I'll live long enough to really figure me out. As I said in my intro post, I can remember first wanting to be a girl/woman when I was 5. But I also said how I was told how my family thought I was going to be a girl before I was born and all that, and I honestly can't remember which came first. So for my entire life, or at least my remembered life, I've had one serious question raging in my head, "Do I want to be female because I'm truely TG or because I somehow burned into my brain that my gender was a disappointment to my family?"

It's a big question because the answer has major ramafications. If this desire is do to an internalized head trip from toddler days and I decide to go through woth full or even partial transition, I could later regret it. Especially since the financial, physical, and emotional costs are so high. But if this is who I truly am, then I need to stop fighting it.

So I've researched, watched documentries, read magizines and I'm probably more confused than ever. For one thing, I never realized there were so many types of "Trans". I discovered "boi's" and "gurls", people who get their tops done and nothing else. I discovered that some people embraced the term transexual, others hate and I've seen the term defined at least a couple different ways depending on who I was talking to.

But the biggest thing that hangs in my head is this, the statement "I always felt like a _ in a _ body". I don't know what that means. I know what it's like to not want the body you have and want another, but to actually "Feel" like another gender I don't get. I've extremely butch women and extremely efemminate men. I've seen female body builders and male ballarenias. I don't think, pyscologically, there is such a thing as male or female. Physically, yes, but only physically. What I see in the trans community is a kind of very narrow form of masculinity and feminity being expressed.

So you might take from the above paragraph that maybe I'm not really trans and I'm just a mental mess-up. I could face that, but then why do I desire it so? Why after almost 30 years does it keep coming back? Why when I look at a beautiful woman I filled with not only the desire to be with them, but to them? So that's where I'm at and I'm looking forward to hearing all your input.

Love,
Shannon

[fallen_rayne]

Maybe some Therapy would help? I've known several people, myself included, that have come out better being people because of it. More a-tuned to themselves and more believing in themselves. Hell you may spend 1 week on this site and decide what you want. Course you maybe as confused as i am on identities and this and that. :doh:

I say if you wanna be a girl, be a girl. Go for it and see what happens.

"Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it." ~Mahatma Gandhi

Jamie

[CharleneT]

Welcome !!

We can't really tell you if you are "trans" or not either. It sounds like you do have some unresolved gender issues. I would say that you should not let your families apparent preference for "whom came out" to affect your life or self image !! I think you ought to consider seeing a therapist. Doesn't have to be one who specializes in gender, but it could be helpful. As for the thing about feeling like a X in a Y body, well, there are many ways to express what many of us think or feel about our gender. For me, it isn't feeling like another gender. I am another gender, now I'm letting that be apparent. But then again, that is how another person might say what I feel ... words do let us down occasionally ;)

[hopingsecret]

I thought about therapy. Even had a year of it when I was a kid, but that was for anger issues. No surprise I was a very angry and depressed kid. I just find it hard to open up like that to a total stranger. Hell, I find it hard to open up period. It's easy here because 1 I'm already amongst others like myself and 2 there's still the distance of the computer, so I don't feel as vulernable as I would sitiing face to face face with someone.

And no I never told my therapist about my gender issues back then. I was too embarressed. Oppertunity wasted.

[Faith_G]

Nobody can ever know what another person feels like inside. Does that help?

For me, saying "I feel like a woman" is shorthand for "I am very uncomfortable in the gender role society has assigned based on my genitals, as well as being uncomfortable with those genitals. I am comfortable in the female gender role, and happier when I can alter the shape of my body and appearance of my genitals to appear female."

Much easier to say "I feel like a woman."

[GypsyKaren]

Forget the research and don't waste your time reading about other people, forget all of the "am I this or that?" questions, just simply ask "who am I?" Keep the "wants" and "should'ves" out of it, don't stretch for a comfortable answer, just be honest and answer the question.

Karen