She kicked me out

[cdsteph]

It's been a rough road for the last 10 years, I've been kicked out of the house maybe 20 times, this time I'm not going back.
Crossdressing is only a small part of it as my ex SO has a borderline personality disorder and flies into abusive rages from time to time.
I kept going back, hoping for improvement, but knowing that it wasn't going to happen.
This time, I decided, would be the last, slept on the back seat of the Jeep for a week, made it to payday and bought an older but nice motorhome.
The relief of not walking on eggshells is fantastic...

She is now telling all that will listen that I'm a homosexual crossdresser....I'm hetero and all our friends know it, so they are skeptical on the crossdresser part as well... but i've come up with a response that some of you may like to use if needed.

Simply tell them that your partner is the one that likes to dress you up and that you have put up with it from time to time because the sex is great.

At any rate, All my femme clothes, shoes, wigs, forms and such are either destroyed, (or being displayed to friends) and my non CD personal possessions and most importantly, the photos of my kids are being kept from me unless I return for more abuse.

I hope that no one else here has had to go through this living hell.

There is a bright side! In a month or so, when she realizes that it is very much over and no longer on the attack... I'll have the freedom to enjoy dressing as I wish when I wish and will no doubt be shopping like mad, maybe even attend a CD event or two.... and as soon as I can add a laptop with wifi to my motorhome, I'll likely be more visible on the forum...

Thanks to all of you whose writings have helped me through the past few years and no doubt will in the future.

I'm gonna breath a huge sigh of relief now and get on with a brighter future.

Guinness, anyone? :drink:

[Loni]

if your friends believe you on one issue just do not talk about the other issues. let the wife hang her self...be the one that is upstanding by NOT slinging any mud.
get any info on her that would be needed in court, but do not use ageist her in public, play the better card.
speak to a counselor for you, you have been battered,(yes even men can be the victim here) and will need a bit of guidance. get a lawyer and a divorce, via the courts you can get some of your items back and access to your children. do not talk with your soon to be ex, let a lawyer/courts do this.
have NO direct contact with her...or her close friends.

[Sheila]

Steph I wish you well as you move forward with your life, nobody deserves to be repeatedly abused (and yes you have been) her BDP is only a part of her but it will make life difficult for you both. I do hope that you get decent legal help & are able to arrange visitation with your kids.

[Freddy12]

Congratulations!

I know that things are difficult right now, but you have taken the courageous actions needed to make your life a bunch better.

It is so very unfortunate that people can be so vindictive - holding pictures of loved ones away from their owner is just mean.

Best of luck, and hope to soon hear how things have improved.

[TxKimberly]

I don't whether to give congratulations or condolences so guess I'll settle for a hug :hugs:

[Priscillia Smith]

Wow. I am sooo sorry to hear about your ordeal. Look at it as a good chance to be who you want to be. No one should have to deal with abuse like that. As far as this dummy broadcasting this to anyone and everyone that will listen, remember this, your not to blame. As for friends, if they're true friends, they will be there for you as support. And the most important part is that not all crossdressers are "gay, homosexual, freaks". There is nothing wrong with you and you need to remember that. She is the problem. Good luck and let us know what happens.

[Chari]

Very good advice from previous posts. You made the wise choice to stop the abuse and move on with YOUR life! Remain as quiet as possible, do not have any contact with her or her close friends (that's for the lawyer to do), and continue planning YOUR new future. Stay strong, and keep moving in a positive direction.

[BRANDYJ]

Steph, they say it takes two to tangle, but from what you say she is doing now is a hint of what you must have been going through for 10 years. My heart goes out to you. I wish you luck and happiness.

[Marcia Blue]

I hope only the best for you. My ex is bi-polar with a personality disorder to top it off, and is always off her meds. The attacks, when they occured were relentless. I feel your pain and freedom.
Lots of hugs you will need them,

[AKAMichelle]

Frankly I wouldn't tell the story that she made you do it. That makes you a victim. You're not the victim here. You're the one who just walked away from the years of bondage and became a free man / woman. That is worth so much more than any price tag.

I know because I just did the same thing. I have been married for 25+ years. Over the years I have had to take an awful lot. We have been separated 8 times now and I'm free. I won't be going back regardless of the cost.

One day after some of the pain goes away, you can begin to understand what happenened and accept it. Then the real healing will begin and you will be able to enjoy your life. Maybe even find a partner who accepts. Hang in there. You have just started to live. :D

[kimdl93]

I agree with Michelle in that I wouldn't make up stories to counter those offered by your ex. Its much wiser to simply acknowledge that she has a lot of anger in her and leave it at that. People can reach their own conclusions. The most important thing you can do is step back and resist the temptation to argue, defend, or retaliate in any manner. You'll earn respect, support and empathy from friends and family by demonstrating calm, reserve and dignity. And most importantly, your goal here should be to create a safe and secure environment for your kids - they should not have to be witnesses to nor participants in the conflict between your ex and yourself.

[pinkeverything]

I'm enjoying my newfound freedom from hell, as well. Sure is nice not to get punched in the face because you're pretty, eh. What a relief.

[Shelby]

I have no experience with what you are going through or have any new advice that hasn't already been given, but I agree with what has been said. Take the high road. No contact with her, get a lawyer, replace your stuff and let your friends see her for who she is. Sometimes the best way is to just stay silent and let the crazy people sputter away.

[kym]

I've been where you are now girlfriend, it is a tough place to be for sure. you are away from her now and that is the best thing that could happen, unfortunately it sounds like you are away from your kids as well and that is tragic. Go get a good lawyer, be honest with him or her, they can can not defend you effectively if they get hit with a surprise in court. Get your kids back and all of your important things, just remember everything but lives and memories can be replaced. When it comes to your ex slinging mud about your crossdressing, let your friends come to their own conclusions, most will not believe it or support you in it, either way let her be who she is going to be and don't fall to her level with that kind of thing. on girl said no contact and she is right, once you get a lawyer the lawyer needs to tell your ex that she can get in touch with you through the lawyer only, that way what you here can be filtered and you only hear the important things and not the stupid crap. One major mistake i made and urge you not to make is not getting some kind of therapy for the breakup, you have kids and you have been mentally abused, go get help. I wish you luck sis and if you need to talk or have any questions feel free to PM me at any time.:hugs::hugs:

[Jenniferx1]

Best wishes to you for your future life and things have to get better.....everyone goes through crap, unfortunately some like yourself have to endure a lot more than can be reasonably expected ( if at all)

:love: to life and it`s ever changing moments

[DonnaT]

Does your ex stay at home all the time?

Surely she goes out at some point which would give you a chance to go gather your things, what's left.

[suchacutie]

From a legal standpoint, no one can throw you out of your house, and I would suggest that you quickly get some legal advice about this. No one can keep you from what is yours, and moving out could have negative ramifications in a divorce. Please look into this as quickly as you can.

tina

[kym]

if there are still things of yours in the house, go to the sherrifs department or the local police department and get them to escort you to the house. Its better to have law enforcement there when removing things so no one can come in later and say he/she took/ kept this with out my knowledge. Plus there will be a "paper" trail of it in case its needed, remember its better to have more documentation that you may or may not need than not to have it and need it.

[Karen564]

but i've come up with a response that some of you may like to use if needed.

Simply tell them that your partner is the one that likes to dress you up and that you have put up with it from time to time because the sex is great.



Sorry but,
You think she's the one with borderline personality disorder?

Why not start by telling the truth for a change instead of lying..
:2c:

[NicoleScott]

Sorry but,
You think she's the one with borderline personality disorder?

Why not start by telling the truth for a change instead of lying..
:2c:

Ease up, Karen. Steph is a hetero crossdresser who chooses to stay in the closet. There are good reasons why some of us need to keep our CD activities private. Some of us are dress-for-pleasure CD's, and NOT just going through a phase on our way to being a TS. Yes, lying does have its problems, and maybe the best way to avoid both lying and coming out of the closet is by declining to answer questions about deeply personal matters.
Take the high road, Steph, and your friends will come to know the truth as to who has the disorder.

[Schatten Lupus]

as my ex SO has a borderline personality disorder and flies into abusive rages from time to time.
You have my sympathies on this. My fiance has borderline personality disorder, and the only reason we are still together is because I finally convienced her that I can't mentally take anymore, and she started seeing a therapist and psychiatrist.
But it sounds like she has more problems than just that. My fiance has said some very mean things during her 'episodes,' but in her normal state of mind she doesn't try to destroy my reputation, my things, or keep things from me.
But, I'll likely be single myself if the meds don't work out. I love her very much, and I always will, but three years, almost going on four, has taken such a mental toll on me that I think I'd just prefer to be single.

[Chickhe]

Another great response, is to tell your friends she is in to BDSM and crossdressing is the most you would do because it is harmless fun. Most people will just drop the conversation at that point and if not, you just tell them beyond what you said, you are not one to gossip etc... No one is going to listen to an abusive gossip. Most people don't care what you do and they care even less to get involved in a dispute that is between you and your SO. Oh and later on...if anyone figures out that you are CDing....you just say, she messed you up so bad you need to do it to relax. But...it is no ones business anyhow. I'm not totally out, but all of my friends have seen me dressed up for fun parties, so if anyone was to spread a rumor, all my friends would respond with...ya so what? we've known that for years... good luck.

[ClaudiaDawn]

You have my sympathies. I agree that the sooner you can get legal advice on this matter, the better for you and your children. I also don't think telling that story about your crossdressing is a good idea, at that point you are lowering yourself to her level and you are openly lying to your friends; if in the future the truth about your crossdressing, they will know you lied to them and you may hurt their friendship. You can always say, "I am not gay" and leave it like that. I think you have to be the better person on this one.

I wish you the best. Hugs,

Claudia Dawn

[minalost]

This is rough. It looks like you're getting good advice on what to do next. I'll just add that it sound like you're better off out of that relationship.
Good luck!
:hugs:

[Bobbie Bee]

It sounds like your taking a step in the right direction. Splitting from a long term partner is never easy, but sometimes there is no choice. I wish you much happiness and hope that things will improve for you.

[giuseppina]

This doesn't sound like a positive relationship. As others have said, if she wants to tell tales about you, let your friends come to their own conclusions. If she keeps it up, she'll alienate herself.

Previous posters have given good advice.

Good luck. :hugs:

[Simply_Vanessa]

no matter what happens to you two...just stay optimistic and look forward towards a future fiilled with possibilities! guiness? i'll take a heineken :drink:

[Miley]

Hi Steph, I am sorry to hear about what you have gone through. It sounds to me like she has Bipolar disorder (manic-depressive disorder) If she does then I can understand how difficult and hurtful it can be when the one you love has a fit. You can't reason with her when she is having a down moment and they can do the most damaging things during this time, it can be very distructive. Don't take it personally, and don't blame yourself, sounds like she needs to take medication to balance her out and help her deal with her emotions. At least now you can have some peace.

[silkysophie]

I work in a Mental Health (a bit ironic being a tranny) and I deal with a lot of people with Personality Disorders so I can kind of feel for you. To manage 10 years you deserve a medal as sometimes I can't even manage a 8 hour shift!!! Some may differ but I personally think not even medication can help PD's as just masks the issues. It's something medication alone cannot 'cure' just therapies. Alot of the time it stems from child hood abuse or issues.

It's easy for others to say but you are better of away from her. From my experience as a health care professional, PD's will never 'get better'. Like you've experienced, they may be ok for a period of time then a tiny bit of stress sets them off. You're lucky she doesn't self harm or threaten suicide every 5 minutes which is very common with this disorder!

I'm sure the people she has told know about her disorder and then will surely know how vindictive it can make them act. If not you should tell them all about it.

Good luck

[Michelle55]

It's been a rough road for the last 10 years, I've been kicked out of the house maybe 20 times, this time I'm not going back.
Crossdressing is only a small part of it as my ex SO has a borderline personality disorder and flies into abusive rages from time to time.
the photos of my kids are being kept from me unless I return for more abuse.


I'm gonna breath a huge sigh of relief now and get on with a brighter future.

I had been married to my ex-wife for 26 years. The last 10 not good and the last 2 or 3 terrible as I was always "walking on eggshells". I never knew what to expect when I got home. Sometime very sweet, but increasing often very abusive verbally and emotionally.
I think the biggest part was approaching menopause (age 48 at the time), but she was in complete denial of that. She also started having a lot of paranoia. Her mother had been hospitalized many years ago at about the same age for that.
Of course, to suggest that someone with paranoia is in fact having those symptoms invites more paranoia.
The best thing she did for me in the last 10 years of our marriage was deciding to move out.
My ex and I did not have any children, so I have NO CONTACT with her.
I was promised many times to have pictures from 26 years made available but never got them. I regret not making more of an issue about those photos now, but it's just not worth the grief of dealing with her to get them.
I'm now married to a wonderful, loving, lady who is completely accepting of Michelle and even encourages her. Life does get better.

[Mea GG]

Steph,,

You can breathe free...You can relax.
That is more valuable than any treasure.

I can relate, though it was an alcoholic that I dealt with.
But, this is the best move you could make; I don't think you will be sorry.

I agreed with the advice above to not spread that story re crossdressing was her idea. Why cast it in a bad light when you don't know what the future holds. As someone said, "I am not gay" is really enough to say.

saw this on Facebook recently:

Idiots drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

You can be the dignified civilized one. The kind people respect.

Enjoy your freedom...the sun will even shine brighter!

[NathalieX66]

Ih Steph, I don't think this is a fair relationship if there is abuse. I'm sure all kinds of nasty things were said. Others labeling us as homosexual crossdressers means they are too unwilling & ignorant to look at the facts, or are trying to press your hurt button.

[Cassandra Lynn]

I tend to agree with those suggesting that you should avoid a counter story. If any want to question you just tell them it is a legal matter and will be discussed with your lawyer and the courts. It will invariably be read in a similar manner to what you were thinking. And as also pointed out, anyone who really matters will see your attitude and accept it as confidence and feel for you.
Wish you joy and happiness for the future. mj (Cassie)

[Alice B]

It is time to see a lawyer and protect your rights. And do it now!

[cdsteph]

Thank you all...good advice.

no, my belongings are a small price to pay for the freedom away from BPD.
for those that don't know of borderline personality disorder... please look it up.

I stand corrected...the truth is always better than a cover story.

even Karen 5...something despite the acidic tone, likely meant it better than it came out.

I am a drug and alcohol rehab worker and have access to many fine resources.... none of which I need ...I care for my ex and wish no legal recourse other than to accept this disorder on her own....
I have protected myself.
I will give up prized items if that's what it takes as long as I can enjoy my own path.
And I will do exactly that.

Thanks for the hugs!!!

I sincerely hope that any of you can recognize BPD in a partner and get out
long before I did.... it takes a huge toll on a spouse.
Don't do like I did and pretend that it will get better...it won't...

But damn! I miss those clothes and forms and heels .....it'll be a while before I can purchase more.......


smee

[Kelly DeWinter]

..... I sincerely hope that any of you can recognize BPD in a partner and get out
long before I did.... it takes a huge toll on a spouse.
Don't do like I did and pretend that it will get better...it won't...

smee

Steph,

I'm glad you are going into a situation where you can have peace. I hope that your ex can find a way to get counciling or treatment to help with her BPD.

I know a good number of people who have BPD so I have to disagree with you reguarding just getting out when some one has BPD. A lot of cases can be sucessfully treated. Depending on access to counciling and doctor prescribed medication. The one issue that cannot be controlled in weather a person will stick to the precribed meds and counciling sessions. In a general sense it's a lot like a broken leg. It will only heal well if the cast stays on and it is rested properly and the prescribed meds and physical therapy are followed. A lot of familys do cope well with BPD, and some do not.


Kelly

[tammygirl79]

Steph, I am soooo sorry to hear you have to go through this!!! My heart goes out to you. I say this because i went through a similer situation myself about 2 1/2 years ago. But like Loni said....let her keep running her mouth, don't stoop to her level, and she will hang herself......that's what my ex did! I wish you all the best while going through this....hang in there sweetie!!!

[Midnight Skye]

I'm really happy to hear you're moving forward Steph... situations like that are a nightmare... and so freaking difficult to move past. Just keep doing what you're doing and you'll find solid ground to live on!

PS: I'm not sure about your wife dressing you comment... on one hand its quite fun and humorous... on the other... my you paint a colorful story ;)

[Sheila]

I am a drug and alcohol rehab worker and have access to many fine resources.... none of which I need ...I care for my ex and wish no legal recourse other than to accept this disorder on her own....

would you tell your clients partners to get out of their relationships because of the stress and strain being with their partners cause them ........ I sincerely hope not



I sincerely hope that any of you can recognize BPD in a partner and get out
long before I did.... it takes a huge toll on a spouse.
Don't do like I did and pretend that it will get better...it won't...


There are avenues that can help a person with BPD, but only if, like drug and alcohol dependents, they wish to use these recourses and continue to do so. I know some folks with BPD and it can be a nightmare for the families & friends when they don't take their medication ....... it is an illness like many that if medications are not taken then it becomes worse .......... it does not mean they are bad people, just their illness makes them do things they would not normally do and in either extreme :sad:

Steph you will get over this and hopefully find some peace in your life

[eluuzion]

hiya cdsteph,

Just a thought…

You have nothing to prove to anyone in life but yourself and your children.

Your wife will provide all of the proof about her true character anyone requires through her behavior…it requires no action on your part. Her comments about you will be given the same questionable (lack of) credibility that she has aptly demonstrated she is worthy of.

All negative impressions (verbal or actionable) communicated by you regarding your SO will only hurt one entity…your children. Dysfunctional spouses are still a mother or father to a child…both parents being critical elements in determining their ability to develop as well-balanced adults. The demeaning of a mother or father of a child by a vindictive spouse is one of the greatest errors in judgement a parent can ever make. It will confuse them, and ultimately have the reverse effect desired.

Separation and divorce with children involved changes priorities. Simply stated, there should only be one central priority for both parties, which supersedes all others…the best interests of their children. Unfortunately, this is rarely given priority by spiteful spouses, eager to “destroy” each other for nonsensical issues of self-ego preservation.

It is difficult to “support” a SO in the eyes of your children, when you actually despise the SO in reality. But it is the best thing you could possibly do for your children’s best interest. If you are looking for something to “prove” with your “soon to be ex”, try being a “better mom” than she is. Your kids will prosper from your wisdom. I can testify from personal experience that it will be the closest thing that you will experience in the break-up “process” which will even remotely resemble “winning”.

Defending yourself against lies and trading insults with an SO makes about as much sense as
Arguing with an idiot on the Internet…it is like playing Marco Polo with Helen Keller.

Life is too short…

Not advice, just my thoughts…Good Luck

HaveFun/BeHappy:love:

[erika130]

I don't whether to give congratulations or condolences so guess I'll settle for a hug :hugs:
My thoughts are somewhere along this line, but I guess congratulations on staying positive and wanting to move forward :) !!
And also a :hugs:

[Samantha B L]

Well Steph, It looks like things will be working out after all.




:love: :thumbsup: :hugs: :drink:

[~Seana~]

Wow. Well first I guess I should offer hugs, cause you'll need em about now.

BPD is a horrible condition. I know, I live with a spouse who has it . In the 4 years or so we've been together I've watched her go from outright insane, to a living breathing person capable of coping without going off the deep end. IT took alot of hugs, and alot of determination on her part to get where she is. And as a fellow cannuck, I'm betting your spouses access to psychological help has been limited by an underbudgeted health care system. In ottawa the only available psychiatrist belonged on the couch more than my wife did.
Of all the symptoms, one will be hitting her pretty hard about now, unreasonable fear of abandonment, whether real or imagined. Perhaps that explains her backlash.
No one but you knows where your life will take you. If you havent already, I'd recommend picking up a copy of the book "Walking on eggshells" it's a very good read on BPD and dealing with it's symptoms. Because if you have kids, you will always have to deal with her in one way or another until they're out of high school and on their own. And everyone is right, let the lawyers communicate for you.
If you find yourself pulling the motorhome through ottawa, look me up for a coffee and a hug.

Amanda

[Karen564]

even Karen 5...something despite the acidic tone, likely meant it better than it came out.



Sorry about that, I just hate hearing about lying or making up some story to make the other look crazy just to save your own skin in the process...
Kinda like don't do the crime if you cant do the time thing....but maybe that's just me...IDK......but I can understand why some do it, it's just that I don't agree with it...that's all..


But I do wish you all the best & hope you can move on & be much happier now...:hugs:

[My Lady Marsea]

The best way to look at it now is that a door like opened and you have a foot in.:thumbsup: At this point there is no more closet.:thumbsup: Get the other foot in and let it shut and FINALLY start like living the life YOU want. The motorhome and the resolve to say it's over are like good starts or wutever. BTW...you'll quickly find out who your "friends" are. Some will be moved into the "acquaintances" category, a lot will drop you like a hot potato and some will so totally accept the new you. New friends are in the works.:thumbsup: Just say to yourself, thank gawd, now I can FINALLY live MY life. I really can't see a :thumbsdn: here lol. Best of luck in your new found life and and I say this as I have been there done that.:hugs: