How do I tell her?

[JainaCarpaccio]

Up until a few months ago i was dating a nice girl. Unfortunately my relationship wasn't as smooth as it should've been, and after two years of being relativley happy with each other, I had to call it off. The biggest problem being that I realized I was having too many problems to be in a commited relationship, especially as commited as she wanted.

One of the biggest problems I was having was trusting her enough to let inside. THis included telling her that I was a CD. I wanted to tell her, and even debated doing it several times, but never managed to work up the gumption to do it.

I've got most of my problems resolved now, and despite teh fact I can't tell my family, I would like to make sure my SO knows what I am when I start dating again. Any advice for how to broach the subject?

[Teresa Ann]

Jana if you are still into her sit down with her and let her know about your ( hobby) she might be ok with it and if she is it could be a restart of a great thing that you have for the last few years, if that is all let her in to your world, take a chance. at least think about it, and let us know Teresa

[JainaCarpaccio]

Sorry, I guess I wasn't quite clear enough. I mean for future relationships.

Sadly I doubt I'm going to able go back to her. She needs someone who's really stable, and good for a long commitment from the get go. While I was planning on long term eventually, I wasn't prepare for how quickly she was wanting it. As a not I don't mean I wanted an open relationship. I'm always monogamous in my relationships.

On a second point, we're still friends, and while I think I could let her know about my crossdressing eventually, I don't want to risk losing our freindship in another bad breakup.

[Heisthebride]

For me it was finding someone who had the capacity to handle it. I dated several women who I didn't think could handle it and I never really committed to them as a result. Within a month of meeting my wife I had a sense she would be ok with it so I jumped in and told her. She was happy I had been honest and we moved on from there.

She isn't 100% involved but she continues to be accepting. Even buys me makeup brushes and such on my B-day.

Be open and honest but also think of her needs not just yours. You might need to give her time or she might be all over it. If it's a problem, then it likely is best to be done with it before it becomes a real problem.

[Sheila]

Hi, firstly please let her know as soon as you think your relationship is going anywhere, don't leave it to late and a read of this maybe of some help to you :)

HOW TO TELL YOU PARTNER (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showpost.php?p=205772&postcount=1)

[Mandy]

Must admit,

That was one of the hardest things that I have ever done, was to spill the beans to my OH about me cd'ing:straightface:

Its difficult to judge when the time is right, I wanted to spill a few weeks before as I had nearly been rumbled on a few of occasions:D

This is something that you both have to work at after the "cat is out of the bag" so to speak.

I took some great advise after I posted on here & yes, my OH has seen everything that makes Mandy, even down to the make up, but yet I have not darnt to dress in front her. Trust me, GG's would make good coppers, I know mine would, they know when there is something not right:D

Please take it easy :) as this is something that could go any way:hugs:

[Lucy_Bella]

I can relate , I am semi single myself and dateing new women always brings up the challenge to tell or not to tell.. I base my women or who I choose to share my secret with for those who I feel are ok with my dressing.. Is that wrong?

I have let many go for no reason to share with them other than , it's just not working out, I go by clues I let out on how they re act to related subjects or discussions for example one lady friend said she didn't like Kenny Chesney because he wore silk shirts and thought he was gay for doing that.

It's a tough world for single CDers but there are a few who are curious enuff to even want to dress you with out even knowing that you already enjoy doing it.

Good luck..

[JainaCarpaccio]

Thanks for the advice (not sure if i should throw guys or girls here). It really helps :D Doubt it's going to be easy when it happens, but it might be a bit easier now.

[Lexine]

I adapted a dramatically different approach than most people on here and have made my standards stricter because of all the unnecessary drama in my previous relationships.

From what I could tell from what some CDers' SO's issues are with CDing... and this is not a generalization, just an observation of a small sample... said issues stem from asking this one question:

"Is he doing this because he feels that I am inadequate?"

Seeing as how I figured that a strong woman with high enough self-esteem would be okay with this, I held my ground and told all my possible partners that I in fact CDed. The ones who didn't make it were the ones who started questioning their place in my life and was never really genuinely interested in what I wanted in a relationship, based off of their questions and how they reacted to it. This made it very easy to lower the amount of potential partners to a very small margin.

The woman I'm with now accepted my CDing even before our first date while we were corresponding on the internet and, unlike my other dates, loved the idea that I was breaking societal norms by doing this. By being upfront, I've completely avoided unneeded drama and found a great woman to share my time with... both en drab and en femme.

[kimdl93]

On a second point, we're still friends, and while I think I could let her know about my crossdressing eventually, I don't want to risk losing our freindship in another bad breakup.

You say you are concerned that telling her might cost you a friendship. And you say that you had problems trusting your gf enough to share this. Well at some point, you're going to have to learn to believe in yourself enough to trust in others.

I think you might strongly consider telling your former gf as a way of getting comfortable with yourself.

[mklinden2010]

Up until a few months ago i was dating a nice girl. Unfortunately my relationship wasn't as smooth as it should've been, and after two years of being relativley happy with each other, I had to call it off. The biggest problem being that I realized I was having too many problems to be in a commited relationship, especially as commited as she wanted.

One of the biggest problems I was having was trusting her enough to let inside. THis included telling her that I was a CD. I wanted to tell her, and even debated doing it several times, but never managed to work up the gumption to do it.

I've got most of my problems resolved now, and despite teh fact I can't tell my family, I would like to make sure my SO knows what I am when I start dating again. Any advice for how to broach the subject?


Honesty is the best policy and I think you were honest enough with yourself that you avoided making your life and her life worse by telling her something she didn't need to know and which you weren't fully prepared to talk about.

Sometimes, "working up the gumption" is figuring out some way to do something you know is stupid, but (stupidly) feel compelled to do anyway. You picked correctly, "If it doesn't feel right - it isn't."

So, to tell the next one (or, anyone), first practice on yourself. Tell yourself about yourself, evaluate what you say, how much you mean it, how it sounds to YOU. It should get you a step closer to saying it out loud to someone else. And, it if doesn't, either you're not really ready to be out about yourself, or, this isn't the right person, or, both, or, all three... You'll know when you're ready when it's no longer a huge deal.

I do like the posts that have you say something about your opinions and politics up front with people who might wind up being SOs. You don't have to yak about your life to everyone you meet everyday, but with your friends, family, and maybe even neighbors you do need to make some room for YOUrself to act and breath. Be more yourself - as you understand yourself, politics, culture, the planet - and people will get used to you being you.

Nobody is really out to get you for being you. But, there are a lot of people who'd like a good friend so work on being a good person. You're not a crossdresser - you are human being. Be a good human being. That can take some doing... But, it's a fine goal.

Good practice and good luck.

[Emily252]

I adapted a dramatically different approach than most people on here and have made my standards stricter because of all the unnecessary drama in my previous relationships.

From what I could tell from what some CDers' SO's issues are with CDing... and this is not a generalization, just an observation of a small sample... said issues stem from asking this one question:

"Is he doing this because he feels that I am inadequate?"

Seeing as how I figured that a strong woman with high enough self-esteem would be okay with this, I held my ground and told all my possible partners that I in fact CDed. The ones who didn't make it were the ones who started questioning their place in my life and was never really genuinely interested in what I wanted in a relationship, based off of their questions and how they reacted to it. This made it very easy to lower the amount of potential partners to a very small margin.

The woman I'm with now accepted my CDing even before our first date while we were corresponding on the internet and, unlike my other dates, loved the idea that I was breaking societal norms by doing this. By being upfront, I've completely avoided unneeded drama and found a great woman to share my time with... both en drab and en femme.

Thats the same way i go about it. I tell them straight up. If they have issues with it then i know not to invest any more time in it, if they are cool with it then i can move forward with the potential relationship. Saves alot of time this way. Plus they know from the get go what they are getting into which is only fair to them. You either accept me for me or not at all.

[JainaCarpaccio]

You say you are concerned that telling her might cost you a friendship. And you say that you had problems trusting your gf enough to share this. Well at some point, you're going to have to learn to believe in yourself enough to trust in others.

I think you might strongly consider telling your former gf as a way of getting comfortable with yourself.


I'mnot worried that telling her would cost us the friendship, I'm worried that having another bad relationship as bf/gf would. But still its worth some consideration trying to let her know. might also make it easier for her to understand why I wasn't letting her in as close as I should have.

[kimdl93]

I'mnot worried that telling her would cost us the friendship, I'm worried that having another bad relationship as bf/gf would. But still its worth some consideration trying to let her know. might also make it easier for her to understand why I wasn't letting her in as close as I should have.

I do think it would help her understand your reticence, which would help her better understand the context of the break up. It will also give you a chance to open up and trust. Both are good things.

Best of luck!

Kim