Advice needed - going to be a parent!

[KateW]

Hi,

I have been dressing full time at home for a number of years, and got into a routine of changing into "me" as soon as I get home from work. My wife has been fully supportive, and allowed me to explore my feminine side. A couple of months ago, we discovered that my wife was pregnant. I am of course very excited about this but then I realised that I'd never considered the ramifications of being a crossdresser with a child. Now I don't know whether I should try and stop so that they don't inadvertantly walk in on me one day and scar them for life.

Also, we got a new wardrobe with 3 compartments, for my wife, boy me and girl me. Does this mean I should probably hide all of my clothes away again, like I did as a teenager?

Basically, I'm just looking for advice as this is unknown territory for me. Of course, I don't want to stop crossdressing and being myself (especially as I feel I have really developed to find balance in my life), but I also want to put whats best for my forthcoming child first.

Any help from parents would be greatly appreciated!

Kate xxx

[Tasha McIntyre]

Hi Kate,

This is only something that can be resolved by talking to your wife. You might have differences in what you are comfortable in what happens around your children. Finding ground that you are both happy with should be a priority.

I have six children, ages rangeing from my twin boys aged 6, to my eldest being 22. They have never been exposed to my CDing, and probably never will, (although i reckon my 18 year old daughter might suspect something). My wife is especially adamant that my young boys don't go to school telling other kids that daddy sometimes wears a skirt and looks like a girl.

This is a very difficult topic, and you will probably get a wide range of responses......but anyway, at the risk of being flamed (which I have in the past on this topic) here is my :2c: worth. I don't want my kids being teased, taunted, bullied or otherwise singled out at school because their dad is a certified practicing crossdresser. Not so much of a problem for me as I work 24/7 shift work, and get plenty of weekday daytime for Tash to shine, but everything is tucked away tidy when the wife and kids are home.

Good luck with this one Kate.......talk to your wife :)

Tash

[Kate Simmons]

Do what your heart tells you to do.:)

[Freddy12]

This is a decision you and your wife need to make together, although you do have time to discuss it and come to a conclusion. I think that children tend to find out secrets unless they are very deeply hidden, and it's counter productive to try to hide who you are from them.

If you have a son, and he, from a very early age is pulled to crossdress, do you want him to be ashamed because Daddy doesn't do that?

Again, it is a discussion and decision that you and your wife need to discuss and decide together.

[danisin]

I would say that your wife is not going to panic about the dicision, untill the baby gets a little older. i think that she may ask that you hide it form him/her.

[Deborah Jane]

I think to start with you need to discuss this with your wife, how does she feel about your dressing around your baby?

[Joanne f]

I do not think that there is a right or wrong answer to this as it is ultimately up to your wife and you to decide, but personally i think that some degree of dressing with just the clothes (without wig and heavy makeup) is a good way to get them use to it .

Oh and congratulations to you both.

[Phoebe Reece]

Kate,

My wife and I discussed this same situation way back in the 1970's before our children were born. We decided that when we had kids they would grow up with full knowledge of my crossdressing. The rationale behind this was that sooner or later they would find or suspect something and we did not want to give the children the impression that it was OK to keep secrets from each other within our family. In our case, that strategy worked. Our kids grew up seeing me crossdressed from time to time. They never "outed" me to anyone. They were always open and honest with my wife and myself. Our daughter is now 34 and married (and her husband knows about me). Our son is 30 and currently living at home. It was never a problem for them and I have always been "Daddy", no matter how I have been dressed.

Every family situation is slightly different. What worked in my situation may not work in yours. Whatever you decide, your wife needs to be 100% in agreement.

[Sheila]

both you and your wife are the only people who can decide how to proceed with your dressing on the birth of your child, however I think that if they are brought up with "Dad" dressing they will not see it as anything other than the norm, which in itself is great, but it may lead to Little Billy/Jane accepting it as such a norm he/she may actually question why other daddies do not wear skirts like his/hers does, if both you and your wife are comfortable with the thought that they may at some stage "slip up & inadvertently out you" then i don't see why you shpuld go back to hiding you ............. stopping i think we know it ain't gonna happen, & even if you did for a short while it could lead to major difficulties with depression and gender dysphoria, do you two really want to go there ?

Congratulations on the forth coming happy event :)

[faltenrock]

talk to your wife. When I was in that position with our first baby, my wife allowed me to dress, while I took care of the baby. I stopped when the baby was about 18 months, at that age, babys will never remember. that gives you about two years to fugure out what to do with your clothes.

[mister-mason]

The only way your CDing could 'scar' the kids is if they get the idea that you and/or your wife are ashamed of it. Otherwise, whatever kids grow up with is 'normal' -- they're surprisingly adaptable!

If you live in a very conservative area, they might get pushback in high school, but that's about the only outside-your-family consideration that even really comes into play at all. As long as you and your wife (a) aren't ashamed and (b) can show it, there's no reason to hide (and every reason not to).

[cdbrandi]

My daughter is 18months old, and I still dress openly at home whenever I want. My wife and I have talked about this, and she feels that this is something that should not be hidden from the baby, and that if she grows up seeing it it will be normal for her. My take on it is that as she gets to school age we will have to make sure she knows what I wear is not something to talk about.

[AKAMichelle]

Congratulations on your kid to be. :D

I have read a lot of posts on here about telling kids and one of the topics had to deal with that the child has to keep the secret as well. The kid will have friends over and run through the house at a moments notice. That will not be very practical once the child reaches a certain age. So you will have to decide if you want to continue cd'ing in front of the child as it will probably cause you to be a very public cd'er. The childs friends will know and may tease or pick on them for it. Plus everybody who finds out will tell parents which is like running a front page ad that you are a cd'er.

I never told my kids until they were older, but I also didn't accept that I was a cd'er until I was nearing 50. So I have never had to be in your shoes. You should think about this a lot. It will be great having a kid, but to protect the child you may need to put the girl back in the closet some.

[Jennifer in CO]

I was living full time when our first daughter was born so it wasn't really an issue. It DID become an issue for my wife however when daughter was 3 or so and started calling me "mommy" as well. I think that was what put the wheels in motion for her asking me to transition back. As far as just dressing around your child, you will have several years before you will need to worry about that. The only real worry you will have is pictures. Our daughter, once she was much older, couldn't figure out why there were no pictures of her as a baby with dad holding her, or playing with her. The easy excuse was dad was shooting the pictures silly....but her expression always told us she didn't buy that all the time...

Jenn

[Desiree2bababe]

I myself have kept my secret away from my kids as I did not want to influence their decisions on sex/gender. I think it best that way.

[kimdl93]

After giving this some thought, I'm leaning towards the side of being yourself with the kids from the very beginning. I don't believe that dressing around your kids will influence their gender identity decision way or another, and frankly it will probably be a non-issue as long as you and your wife maintain a happy, supportive household.

The only qualifier might be when other peoples' kids are around...then I'd be more circumspect.

[DonniDarkness]

Ok, kids will say the darndest things, at the worst times.....lets remember that fact first....

I once had my daughter tell her teacher and her whole class, that she didnt live in a house we live under the bridge in a car......i had to later bring the principal proof of address....

So, If you are a full time t-girl, then yes dress as you normally would to go out or around the house.

If your a part time Cder, then dress as you would when the children are asleep in the evenings, or are gone for the weekend.
I do not dress around my children, as i do not present myself to the world as a woman on a daily basis. So if you plan on keeping your dressing private then do not dress around your kids, because you could very well be among friends or family and your daughter say, "Hey Dad, Look you and that lady have the same dress".........

But dont pack everything away either, i found a balance between being Don the Dad by day; Donni the lover by night.

Grats on the new addition to your family!!

-Donni-

[AlisonRenee]

After giving this some thought, I'm leaning towards the side of being yourself with the kids from the very beginning. I don't believe that dressing around your kids will influence their gender identity decision way or another, and frankly it will probably be a non-issue as long as you and your wife maintain a happy, supportive household.

The only qualifier might be when other peoples' kids are around...then I'd be more circumspect.

re: influencing the kids' gender ID... I agree. Excluding fetish dressing with no real femme sense of identity, I believe that we're wired this way.

[Nicole Erin]

If you do dress around the kid, just don't treat it like it is any big deal.
A shild is born with no state of mind, is blind to the ways of mankind.

When the kid starts going to school, then yeah might want to tone down.

[mklinden2010]

I'm of the, "Just be a good parent" camp.

Kids are born knowing nothing, learn as they go, and make up their own minds in the end.

I'd put the dressing up as "fun time" or "project time" if I was worried about it and let it go at that. Kids, people, can get used to anything and go on with their lives.

The fact is that people, in their "spare time," pretend to be bikers, basketball stars, and, rock and roll singers. Kids, and everyone else can figure out which is reality and which is "blow off time."

I would not set up a future crash and heartbreak by hiding things or pretending otherwise.

You can be forgiven for being who you are, whoever you are, so long as you aren't a life-long liar.

Just be there for your kids - whatever you wear.

[Loni]

only advice i can give you is get some sleep now....while you can. and stock up on diapers. :o
as for the cross dressing for the first couple years it is a non issue. but talk with the wife, and raise you child to not fear/or be ashamed of different thoughts/ways. as for you.. when you do let your offspring know do not be ashamed of doing something a bit different.

if you raise you children right they will have open minds and not feel weird about your hobby. and will still love you. :hugs:

.

[DonnaT]

Congratulations!

I side with the "don't hide it" camp. Unless your wife wants you to keep it secret.

It can be hard to keep a secret, and times will come up when you think you are free to dress and the child appears unexpectedly. Having to worry about being found out isn't the best way to live.

My wife was in the keep is secret camp. Once I did tell the kids, as adults, they had no problems with it.

[suzy1]

My worry would be when your child starts going to school. Kids can be very cruel and when they find out that his dad wears a dress it’s a perfect excuse for them to start the bulling.
Sorry but I try to live in the real world. And I have seen it happen!

SUZY

[AlisonRenee]

My worry would be when your child starts going to school. Kids can be very cruel and when they find out that his dad wears a dress it’s a perfect excuse for them to start the bulling.
Sorry but I try to live in the real world. And I have seen it happen!

SUZY

so true, and it would be doubly true if the child happened to have any kind of cross-gender traits themselves. It could be really brutal for the child. I experienced that first hand as a child and it sucks.

[tammygirl79]

This is definatly tough, and it is something that both you and your wife have to agree on, and you have to figure out what is in the best interests of your child. I have a somewhat similer problem. I am a single dad of a 6 year old girl myself. She knows nothing of my cross dressing. When she is at school or visiting her mom for a weekend, that is when I dress as a woman. When she is home, I am 100% a man.Of course all my cloths and accesories are hidden away and if she did happen to find something, I would probably say that it was from one of my female friends who accidentally left it her. This is believable because most of my friends are female....my best friend is female and is here all the time hanging out. this is what works for my situation...atleast at the time being. Once she gets older, it will be harder to hide and then I may have to take a different route to the situation. But this may not be whats right for your situation....you will have to figure it out with your wife. Good luck, I know it won't be an easy decision to make....it wasn't for me.

[Schatten Lupus]

I am not a parent, but I have a total of 10 nieces and nephews. You have the opportunity to raise a child into this world to be a tolerant, open minded, and peaceful and loving individual. Dressing in front of your child is ultimately up to you, but you can still raise your child to understand those that do.

[suchacutie]

1) You and your wife should make the decisions jointly and
2) Don't put your children in harm's way.

The first goal is easy to execute as it seems the two of you have a wonderful relationship.

The second goal takes some thought and there have been many good comments thusfar. I would mention that the process of bringing children to understand the difference between lying and not divulging private information is one that takes time and patience, but MUST be done as parents. As long as the message from both parents is the same, there are usually only a few bumps in the road :). My experience is that little ones enjoy being "all grown up" by having responsibility for their actions like knowing what information is kept in the family. One's gender choice fits into this category, but so do hundreds of other topics.

But you do have 2 years to work all this out. You would be wise to work it out sooner as your won't be sleeping regularly for the last 18 months of this two years!

:)

best wishes

tina

[bound_cd_bianca]

Hello KateW I can relate to your dilema as I'm the father to a wonderful baby boy who's 15 months old now . He's my first child and considering my age probably the last . For me it was clear before he was even born that in the best interest of my child , he wouldn't see me as Bianca but a strong father figure . That's something I feel is lacking nowadays . I only dress outside the house .

Some might think I'm ashamed of what I am but I see it a different way . I'm not ashame of having sex with my wife but we wouldn't do it in front of our baby . Same thing in this case , just a matter of boundaries .

Also like someone said I don't want to influence his sexuality but I intend on teaching him to be open minded and respectful of other poeple opinions and ways of life .

Finally , for me becoming a parent means thinking what's best for the child . I beleive as parents we have to make sacrifices . I even had to sell my sport car cause there was no room for baby's seat . I sure miss my car but I don't regret having to take care of a wonderful new life . We have agreed that family comes first , Bianca needs come after the family needs .

That's how we decided to do things . As for you , it's your child you'll be the parent of that baby so your decision how you'll decide how to raise him or her as long as both you and your wife agree on how to proceed . I hope my intervention was of some help for you and happy parenthood .

[Maria in heels]

Kate...you do have at least a year to figure out with your wife on what you are going to do. I have twin boys who do not know, and my wife and I have decided to keep it that way. Of course, there are signs ( my shoe collection in the basement along with assorted pairs of shoes in the closet and Maria's clothes hanging on my side ) but my boys are so used to these things being around that they don't even think twice about it.

I do want them to be open minded, and when they "trip" into the adolescent stage of making fun of those who are "different" I remind them that everyone is free to choose, and just because they want to do something different than what we do, it does not mean that it is bad, nor should you make fun of it.

Since they were small, and my wife's shoes are smaller of course than mine, they would wear her shoes if they needed a pair...even two days ago, one of the twins wore my wife's pink and white platform crocks outside to help me with things from the car when I got home...if they do figure out and try on a pair of my shoes, I'm sure that they will have to put their heads together and figure out why mommy has two different sizes..ones that are too small for us now, and ones that are a little bit too big - hey wait, they feel like dads sneakers!

I'm glad that I ran across your post, because I actually got a "kick" out of watching the new Lady Gaga video where the guys are all dressed in hose and black patent heels and shaved legs. I did get to comment about this to my twins and my wife, who looked at me and just shook her head LOL :).

It is different for everyone, and as someone else said, once they got around 14-15 months, i stopped wearing heels in front of them...

[giuseppina]

...
If you live in a very conservative area, they might get pushback in high school, ...

For me, the bullying started in Grade 3. The homophobia started in high school, and it didn't stop until I finished Grade 13.



My worry would be when your child starts going to school. Kids can be very cruel and when they find out that his dad wears a dress it’s a perfect excuse for them to start the bulling.
Sorry but I try to live in the real world. And I have seen it happen!

SUZY

Agreed. This is the kind of thing that leaves children open for mental health issues throughout their lives. :sad:

[Emma Leigh]

I have 5 kids, aged from 8 to 30, I have always restricted my dressing to when they are not around, and I have never had a problem with that, my clothes are hanging the wardrobe, no one has ever questioned they are mine, if your wife is as supportive as you say, I dont feel it is going to be an issue, if you are capable of restricting it yourself?

[BethCD]

Kate, In my experience.....years ago when my first born daughter was about two, I came out of the bedroom wearing Mommy's dress thinking she won't know.......WOW was I wrong. One smart kid. She said "ooooooh Mommy's dress. I immediately changed and never went there again. Remember, some kids are very smart.
:):battingeyelashes::eek:

Beth

[cd300]

I would say like many others that you and your wife need to discuss it an come to an agreement for sure, but i have read that if you softly expose children to things they dont necessarily feel it to be different and it really isnt something they speak of. this of course pertaining to your 3rd closet. as for dressing i read above where a 2 yr old remembers i have also read that now a days kids tend to have a stronger memory and a one time flash of something out of the norm may trigger a long time memory.. Good luck in your decision! thats my :2c:
Jessica

[mklinden2010]

It's very strange that people say, "Don't do it around the kid because they'll get bullied in school later."

Does it not occur to anyone that bullies will be bullies anyway?

The recent cases of kids committing suicide because they've been slammed on the Internet come to mind. That's enough to die over?

Bull.

Two problems here. Bullying exists because it works for the bully, and, people being bullied don't fight back properly. How many of us put us with crap and later thought, "I shoulda..." but didn't do it at the time?

Childhood bullying, left alone, just helps the bullies get better at being bullies and the victims be more compliant victims. You think there's no justice? There is... That bully can wind up being your kid's boss.

Don't set yourself, and your kids, up for crap. Be who you want to be and teach your kid that "right and wrong" includes leaving people alone AND being left alone.

The other kid's bigger, smarter, meaner than your kid? There's a workout, a book, an attitude for that.

Right thing, right place, right time - for the right reasons.

Going to be a parent?

Be a PROUD parent with PROUD kids.

[Celeste]

I would not stop being you!After all its being you that will make up the character of your child.I would suggest allowing your child to choose their own way in life without being coerced however.I've chosen this route,basically not telling my daughter until later in life.There have been no exposures,I've been very discreet,I've also led her to believe she is free to be who she want's to be.A fine line it is,so do your homework.

[KateW]

Thank you to everyone for your feedback so far! You are right, I do have some more time after the baby is born to try and work this out. In fact, I spoke with my wife, and she said the exact same thing and thinks it should be fine - to start with at least. Then we can work out exactly how we are going to handle it after the first year.

While I certainly wouldn't want to cause any stress or confusion to the kid, I think its also to impart that you should be yourself, whoever that may be (as long as your a good person!). Whichever way we decide to handle it, I will always strive to be a good father however I can.

I was also thinking that while I have been aware of my crossdressing since I was very young, I only really started to understand it in my late teens. So I shouldn't really expect a small child to make sense of it...

Oh I don't know!

Kate xxx

[firefightermedic98]

you and your wife defentley need to tal kand decide wht is best for the 3 of you

[AliceJaneInNewcastle]

My worry would be when your child starts going to school. Kids can be very cruel and when they find out that his dad wears a dress it’s a perfect excuse for them to start the bulling.
Sorry but I try to live in the real world. And I have seen it happen!
You are making two assumptions, (1) that other kids will find out, and (2) that it will be a problem. I don't agree that either is a foregone conclusion.

I also live in the real world, and my son is almost 7yo. To date, he has never said anything about my crossdressing to anybody at school or elsewhere.

I have a friend who has been post-op for almost 20 years, and who fathered a son while on hormones and living full time, prior to SRS. It's supposed to be medically impossible, but it happened none the less. She has continued to live as a woman, and used to take her son to and from school virtually all the way through primary and high school. If someone said something about her being his mother, he always corrected them and said "no, that's my dad." If he had any problems with bullies at school, he never admitted it to his family.

Another friend has recently come out to her adult daughter's friends, and went from being seen as a boring old guy to being cool. They actually encourage her to dress and go out with them.

These are just 3 examples in my immediate circle of friends, but I know others online who tell similar stories. The current generation of school children, around here at least, are more likely to see a crossdressing parent as cool or interesting rather than a negative.

Parents who give their children the impression that it is a negative, whether they are CDs themselves or not, are the ones who continue to indoctrinate the younger generations to see us negatively.

I would recommend being open and honest with your children if you want them to be open and honest with you.

[eluuzion]

Congratulations KateW!!:hugs:


For me, it was never a complicated issue. I simply asked myself a few questions.

1) How do I feel about my (ex) wife’s belief that “she deserves to have a life too” ??

My Answer: It is an illogical statement and total nonsense designed to justify self interest.

A person’s life changes with the circumstances that affect it. A person does not get to just “create” another “life” or “person”, and “keep the old one, too”. That is nonsense thinking inherent in schizophrenia and multiple-personality disorders. You are ONE person, period. You don’t get to create “additional” people and personalities at will, to enable you to continue doing things you do not want to give up when your life changes. This is reality, not Disneyland, lol.

2) What is my priority…my needs or my child’s needs?
3) What will promote the best interests of my child?
4) Would CD make my child’s life more difficult and confusing?
5) Repeat question #2.

As I said, it was a simple process for me. Common sense usually is pretty simple for me.

But, that is just me…it obviously does not make sense to some folks, but it works for me, which…at the end of the day…is all that really matters, right?

"I slept just like a baby last night...Slept for an hour/cried for an hour/slept for an hour/cried for an hour" :D