What can coworkers do to make your transition easier?

[Andy66]

We have a new girl at my work - a tall, pretty girl with an unusually deep voice for a woman. If I were a betting person I would say she is trans.

New Girl often appears nervous and unhappy, and I saw her eating lunch alone. :sad: I briefly introduced myself, and she seems nice enough. I feel like I should try to include her in things without seeming abnormally friendly.

My question is for those of you who are transitioning, is there anything your coworkers have done or could do to make you feel more comfortable?

[Karen564]

When the other girls include me into their group discussions & hang out together, I felt so much better & welcomed into the club....since I enjoy the company so much more & less shy ever since I transitioned..

I think your on the right tract by 1st introducing yourself.....and maybe next time, start some small talk with her....., she may open up some once she feels comfortable with you and it may get her out of her shell....you may have a new friend for life..

Just wanted to say Thanks for thinking of her, and to help her feel welcomed....That's very kind ......:hugs:

[Kelly DeWinter]

Money ?

[RobynBella]

That would be nice. Transitioning is expensive. Just try to involve her as one of the girls. At school last week we were having a yoga session. It was just me and two girls who already knew and a few other girls. We all showed off our cute socks and had a great time :)

[MAJESTYK]

Yep, simplest thing would be to include them. If you arent left out, you feel better.

[Teri Jean]

In my transition the ladies in my section of the campus stopped in to offer their support. Since then a few have included me in lunches, jewelry parties, and the student athletes have been great. So if you can ask her if she would like to do coffee or an informal lunch break. Kindness always goes a long way.

[hopingsecret]

Well as a blue collar worker who works along side men who feel all gays (and to them gays include trans people) should be killed, I think not openly promoting the murder of people like me would be a big help. Yes, defiently a big help.

[Hope]

Well your situation is a little difficult in that you don't know that the woman in question is trans or not - I think the same advise is pertinent either way. I think that if I were the girl in question, the best thing you can do for me (in addition to just being a decent human being as the girls above suggest) is to have my back.

There will be plenty of times when the new girl (or the NEW GIRL) is talked about her back and the best thing you can do is not let those conversations get catty or nasty. Just stand up for her. Confronting ignorance and bigotry the way you would do anyway.

[pamela_a]

Why does it matter if she's trans or not?

She's a person in a new job, be friendly and make her feel welcomed. Why would you be afraid to attempt to make a new friend at work???

[Andy66]

Thanks for your advice, ladies. :)


Why does it matter if she's trans or not?

She's a person in a new job, be friendly and make her feel welcomed. Why would you be afraid to attempt to make a new friend at work???
I feel sort of protective of fellow LGBT people, but I don't want to come on too strong and make her feel weird. It might help if I had a better idea why she seems uncomfortable. I would naturally treat the lady who is alone because she is trans and misunderstood, differently than I would treat the lady who is alone because she's crazy and annoying. (Yeah, we have one of those too.)

[Rianna Humble]

We have a new girl at my work - a tall, pretty girl with an unusually deep voice for a woman. If I were a betting person I would say she is trans.

New Girl often appears nervous and unhappy, and I saw her eating lunch alone. :sad: I briefly introduced myself, and she seems nice enough. I feel like I should try to include her in things without seeming abnormally friendly.


I think your on the right track by 1st introducing yourself.....and maybe next time, start some small talk with her....., she may open up some once she feels comfortable with you and it may get her out of her shell....you may have a new friend for life..


Kindness always goes a long way.


Well your situation is a little difficult in that you don't know that the woman in question is trans or not - I think the same advise is pertinent either way. I think that if I were the girl in question, the best thing you can do for me (in addition to just being a decent human being as the girls above suggest) is to have my back.

All of the above advice is good. I agree that you have made the best start by being friendly without openly making any assumptions. he might, after all, just be shy or even embarrassed about her voice (especially if she turns out to be a GG).

As Hope points out, you may suspect she is trans but you don't yet know, but your actions are appropriate either way.

I know people love to gossip about new starters, so again, Hope's suggestion about having the new girl's back could well be one of the most important things you can do for her whether or not she is trans.

It is obvious from your post that you are a very caring person, so to answer your question about what you could do to make life easier for someone in transition, I would reply go on being your normal caring self.

[Andy66]

Aw, thank you, Rianna. :)


As Hope points out, you may suspect she is trans but you don't yet know, but your actions are appropriate either way.
It's her height and voice, and also the shape and size of her jaw. She's sooooo close that I have some doubt. I may have to call my resident expert for an opinion. :heehee:

[pamela_a]

It's her height and voice, and also the shape and size of her jaw. She's sooooo close that I have some doubt. I may have to call my resident expert for an opinion. :heehee:

Anne, again I'm unsure WHY it makes such a difference?

IF she's trans and she's working as a woman I'm guessing she's completed her transition, living as she wants and would prefer to not be constantly reminded.

I transitioned at work so it's not a secret but if I ever change jobs I'm going to leave all of that behind me. By your criteria I would be suspect (and rightly so) but I would want to just be treated like any other woman, since that's what I am.

Help her feel accepted as a person and a co-worker. Become her friend. DON'T treat her differently!! She's a woman like any other woman, please respect that.

[Stephenie S]

I would naturally treat the lady who is alone because she is trans and misunderstood, differently than I would treat the lady who is alone because she's crazy and annoying. (Yeah, we have one of those too.)

Back off!

Change your attitude!

I am appalled! Don't you DARE treat this woman any differently just because you think she is trans. That is SO impolite.

Oh, I know you are only trying to do the right thing. I know your heart is in the right place. But what you are doing is wrong, wrong, wrong.

If she IS transgendered (and you really have NO reason to think so), she wants to be a WOMAN. Please, please, please, treat her as one. And if she is NOT trans, she deserves to be treated just like any other new girl in the office.

Be friendly and inclusive. She may be shy and lonely because she is a shy and lonely woman.

Back off with the trans stuff.

Please give this women some respect. Your "suspicions" about her gender are incredibly impolite. Who are YOU to determine her gender for her? Be friendly. Be inclusive. If she turns out to be a dud, so be it, but don't treat her differently because you "think" she is trans. If she is you will not be doing her any favors. And if she's not trans, then what?

Stephie

[Empress Lainie]

Yes my coworkers treat me like any other woman. Only one that I told knows I am trans. And I trust her implicitly to say nothing. (Her response was - "it doesn't matter.)

I know darn well that I would not be treated the same if they knew I was not born female. I think it is just human nature, someone who is "different".

[carolinoakland]

Treat her like you would anyone else. If you think she needs a friend at work, her status, trans or otherwise doesnt' matter.

[GBNatarii]

If including in the group of girls doesn't work well, my bet would be including in the group of bored to death co-workers. I mean come on, who isn't bored to death at work? Completely subverted by also taking the route of talking about this weird thing called work... I've no idea what that is though.

My personal attitude towards it is, "This person is trying to be a female/male. So talk to person same way I'd talk to any other random female/male."

Hell, I know from personal experience, that just having that first person sit down by me and talk video games, school, work, whatever is a bigger deal than anything else, and made me far more comfortable going into school, work, whatever.

[Teri Jean]

Okay here it is in a nut shell. THE GOLDEN RULE. Do unto others as you would have done unto you. She's human and new to the job. Treat her as you would like to be treated. It doesn't matter if she is trans or not.
Teri

[Rianna Humble]

Your "suspicions" about her gender are incredibly impolite. Who are YOU to determine her gender for her?

FFS cut the OP some slack. She has said that she has already tried to befriend the new girl because she seemed lonely and out of it.

She has also tried to use her so-called suspicions to learn if there is anything that colleagues can do to make life easier for people who are transitioning.

Instead of responding to that concern and welcoming the warm way that Anne has responded to a new person you want to crucify her for thinking that in some circumstances a person in transition deserves some consideration.

I'll repeat your own words back to you


Back off!

Change your attitude!

[Faith_G]

Thank you, Rianna. :) There's no reason to be snapping at a person who just wants to know the best way to be nice.

Anne, I understand your protective urge. It's sweet of you to want to make an extra effort. Your instinct to just be friendly but not come on too strong is good. Like others have said, be friendly and try to include her in activites and conversations with other co-workers. I know you're sensitive enough to the issues to not do stuff that will make her uncomfortable. :hugs:

[Stephenie S]

Oh come on!

Read my post again. I told her I knew her heart was in the right place and that I knew she was trying to do the right thing.

But "suspecting" that someone is trans and then trying to treat them differently because of it is not doing any favors.

And I suggested that she treat the woman as she would any new girl in the office.

Was I too harsh? I'm sorry. But this has happened to ME. It was entirely inappropriate. Perhaps I am too sensitive because of this.

Stephie

So, to answer the OP question as asked. Easy. You can make her transition easier by treating her just as you would any other woman.

[kellycan27]

Don't treat me any different than you would anyone else..period.

[Andy66]

Don't treat me any different than you would anyone else..period.
Thanks, Kelly. I respect your opinion. What I'm getting from this is that there are at least two very different points of view on this subject, and I would need to know New Girl better before I know what she would be comfortable with.

Thank you to everyone who offered kind, constructive opinions. :love:

[tess graham]

You know, It's hard to tell anyone about ourselves, but I have to say the the coworkers I have told about my being TG have been very supportive. But none have ever asked me to lunch or for coffee enfem. While it is so nice to be accepted, there is nothing like being included. Perhaps you could extend this blessing to your new coworker and do for her what no one else will. I feel that would be a huge gift. Tess

[Stephanie Anne]

I so get the question here. You picked up on something you could relate to and because of that you have made an effort to make someone feel welcome.

It's only natural to question someone's gender when it potentially relates to something you yourself experience.

My thought is she is not trans but feeling a little out of place at the new job.

If she is trans, you have insight that might make her feel more comfortable. If she is not trans but is cis, you made her feel a little less alone (who cares why).

I am in a rare good mood today so you get extra sweet comment reply :D

Damn these long nails however. It's like typing with chop sticks.

[Empress Lainie]

My dearest Viktoriya: DAT iss vy I do not have LONG nails.

Back to the OP in a sense. There is a person at work that I am soooo sure is covertly trans. Excessive height, yes breasts, usually with a sports bra to bind them down. Wears lots of pink things, like a tie, carries a pink purse, has been seen by me doing grocery shopping out of "uniform." I have had not much contact with this person but the contact I have had was pleasant and he/she? was helpful. I think this person is outstanding in face, but I have seen the person with a girl that was with him/her?

I would have liked to approach this person but will not as it would out me at least to him/her? as trans. I guess when living as a woman, that is a burden (small tho) that we bear to NOT out ourselves to anyone. It would destroy everything that in my case I have worked for.

[Rianna Humble]

Speaking as someone who is only on the brink of transition, I do think that colleagues' attitudes and actions can make a substantial difference.

In my workplace, I was already assured that my manager would be a positive support, but then found out that my team-mates were quite happy to be supportive provided that I kept them informed of my intentions. Even those I imagined would be anti have been very encouraging since I approached them one to one to explain that I am going to transition. I have had some comments to the effect that I seemed such a masculine man when they first knew me that they would not have suspected originally, but their attitude has gone a long way to making life easier for me.

To the OP, Anne, I would like to say that your caring attitude - whether or not the new girl turns out to be trans - is exactly the sort of approach that would make life easier for someone in my position.

I am really pleased that you used the possibility of this girl being trans to ask if there is anything you could do to make life easier for a colleague in transition and I don't agree with those who (understandably because of their experience) said you should not treat a t-girl any differently to a GG under any circumstances. IMNSHO, your approach that someone who might be feeling isolated because of their transition deserves some consideration will go a very long way to helping to overcome that sense of isolation. Thank you.

[Blaire]

Probably the best thing to do is just forget the whole "trans" thing. Treat her the same way you'd treat absolutely anyone else.

[Jennifer Marie P.]

In my transition everyone was supportive and treated me like just one of the girls.So treat her with respect and make her feel comfortable and get to know her better.

[Andy66]

UPDATE: New Girl is definitely trans. I'm happy to say she has come out of her shell and seems to be very well liked. :)

Thanks everyone for your advice.

[Karen564]

No need to thank any of us...;)
We thank You.... :hugs:

[Andy66]

No need to thank any of us...;)
We thank You.... :hugs:
Haha! :o I just introduced myself. New Girl made a bunch of friends all by herself, once she got over her shyness. She has a lot of charm. :)

[Nicole Erin]

One thing that can help also -
Never call her "sir, man, he, etc" even if she does come out formally as being TS.

This annoys a TS like one cannot imagine.

[Andy66]

One thing that can help also -
Never call her "sir, man, he, etc" even if she does come out formally as being TS.

This annoys a TS like one cannot imagine.
I already put my foot in my mouth. Yesterday I asked her and another new (GG) girl, "how are you guys doing?" She laughed at me. Honest, I didn't mean it that way. :doh:

[Nicole Erin]

I already put my foot in my mouth. Yesterday I asked her and another new (GG) girl, "how are you guys doing?" She laughed at me. Honest, I didn't mean it that way. :doh:


Take the foot out.
It is not uncommon to call even a group of all women "guys".

I am interested in hearing more about how her work experience goes as time goes on, can you keep us updated?

As I am wanting to transition, I need to start learning more about how being TS and work related things will play out, what I should expect, how I can make things smooth.
I think many of us woud like to know as well :)

[Karen564]

As I am wanting to transition, I need to start learning more about how being TS and work related things will play out, what I should expect, how I can make things smooth.
I think many of us woud like to know as well :)

Expect the worse, but always hope for the best..

And it always seems to end up being much better than you expected.

You learn by doing & keeping a level head in any sitchuation..but above all, just strive to be the best person you can be & do your job well, working peers see that & will respect it !

[Andy66]

Unfortunately, Erin, New Girl is part of a group of temps. I hope they will have a permanent spot for her when the big project is done, but the chances of that are kind of slim at this time, for any of the temps. :sad: Anyhow, she's a fun person. The ladies love her and the men are just sort of quiet around her, from what I see. I'm sure they'll all like her when they get to know her better.

We do have a trans hair stylist at a nearby shop, who has been there for years. She's treated like any other hair stylist - pretty much ignored unless someone wants a haircut.

[Kimberly Marie Kelly]

I wouldn't treat her any different than any other woman or person you become friendly with. Treat her with the dignity and respect that you'd give any person. That's my take on the subject. Kimberly Marie Kelly :battingeyelashes:

[Teri Jean]

Today I was at work and was talking with a female co-worker who said she was so p--sed with me the day before.

Yesterday I had a group therapy session so I wore a white pair of bell bottom jeans and a blue V-neck T. I also wore strappy sandels.

Anyway her reason she was so taken she said was that no girl should have those legs and tush. I looked at her and asked what she meant and she laughed as she told me it looked too good. Then she gave me a hug.

Some times the off hand compliment is more support than anything else.

[kellycan27]

I already put my foot in my mouth. Yesterday I asked her and another new (GG) girl, "how are you guys doing?" She laughed at me. Honest, I didn't mean it that way. :doh:

No biggy. I say it to my tg friends all the time and vice versa.. Hey, I'll see you guys later. What time are you guys leaving?

Kel

[Andy66]

No biggy. I say it to my tg friends all the time and vice versa..
I only thought it was funny/odd because New Girl laughed at me when I said it. Many years ago I dated a beautiful T-girl who got all the boys' attention whenever we went out. She would give a little laugh and tell me, they have no idea she's trans. She thought it was funny. It was a similar sort of laugh New Girl gave me the other day. Maybe she was thinking the same thing?

[kellycan27]

I only thought it was funny/odd because New Girl laughed at me when I said it. Many years ago I dated a beautiful T-girl who got all the boys' attention whenever we went out. She would give a little laugh and tell me, they have no idea she's trans. She thought it was funny. It was a similar sort of laugh New Girl gave me the other day. Maybe she was thinking the same thing?

Maybe your facial expression gave you away when you thought you goofed up by calling them "guys". Her little laugh might have stemmed from seeing that you were uncomfortable in thinking that you may have made her uncomfortable. I would have thought it cute myself.
Sometimes ( not in this case), but sometimes..even the most well intentioned people TBPO don't know how to act around us, and they tend to over compensate for the "elephant" in the room.
Here are my own personal thoughts...... I don't care if someone knows or doesn't know, but more importantly I DON'T WANT TO KNOW whether they do or not.
I think you handled it very well. :hugs:

Kel







I am really pleased that you used the possibility of this girl being trans to ask if there is anything you could do to make life easier for a colleague in transition and I don't agree with those who (understandably because of their experience) said you should not treat a t-girl any differently to a GG under any circumstances. IMNSHO, your approach that someone who might be feeling isolated because of their transition deserves some consideration will go a very long way to helping to overcome that sense of isolation. Thank you.

You are assuming that this person feels isolated. For some of us there comes a time when we transcend being transsexual and we are just a woman. When we are treated any other way the only thing that is accomplished is reminding us that we are in fact ..transsexual. I have been out for close to eight years, and I am not trying to be rude, but some of us have got a pretty good handle on this and don't need your "help" feeling "comfortable" as a transsexual. All we ask is that you treat us EXACTLY like you would treat any other female, or person for that matter. When you say that I need extra consideraderation.. you are saying that "I am different". Maybe not all of us feel this way, but how can you tell? So my best advice would be to just leave it alone. It this person confides on you.....then OK, but if she doesn't... people should just mind their own business in regards to our personal lives. Thank you, but please don't take it upon yourself to act on my behalf...
As well placed as your intentions might be... You may be doing more harm than good in making me feel comfortable at my job. :2c:

(you being used in general, not you personally)

Kel

[Traci Elizabeth]

You are assuming that this person feels isolated. For some of us there comes a time when we transcend being transsexual and we are just a woman. When we are treated any other way the only thing that is accomplished is reminding us that we are in fact ..transsexual. I have been out for close to eight years, and I am not trying to be rude, but some of us have got a pretty good handle on this and don't need your "help" feeling "comfortable" as a transsexual. All we ask is that you treat us EXACTLY like you would treat any other female, or person for that matter. When you say that I need extra consideraderation.. you are saying that "I am different". Maybe not all of us feel this way, but how can you tell? So my best advice would be to just leave it alone. It this person confides on you.....then OK, but if she doesn't... people should just mind their own business in regards to our personal lives. Thank you, but please don't take it upon yourself to act on my behalf...
As well placed as your intentions might be... You may be doing more harm than good in making my job more comfortable. :2c:

(you being used in general, not you personally)

Kel


Bravo! :clap::clap:

[Karen564]

You are assuming that this person feels isolated. For some of us there comes a time when we transcend being transsexual and we are just a woman. When we are treated any other way the only thing that is accomplished is reminding us that we are in fact ..transsexual. I have been out for close to eight years, and I am not trying to be rude, but some of us have got a pretty good handle on this and don't need your "help" feeling "comfortable" as a transsexual. All we ask is that you treat us EXACTLY like you would treat any other female, or person for that matter. When you say that I need extra consideraderation.. you are saying that "I am different". Maybe not all of us feel this way, but how can you tell? So my best advice would be to just leave it alone. It this person confides on you.....then OK, but if she doesn't... people should just mind their own business in regards to our personal lives. Thank you, but please don't take it upon yourself to act on my behalf...
As well placed as your intentions might be... You may be doing more harm than good in making me feel comfortable at my job. :2c:

(you being used in general, not you personally)

Kel

I agree,
If anyone was to treat me as a "special case" in any way...I'd see it a mile away in a split second, and That would hurt & belittle me just the same as if someone was being unthoughtful & callus..

Just treat me the same as you would like to be treated, that is all....I'm a big girl that has been over so many hurdles to get as far as I did..and didn't get there by being treated special along the way.
:hugs:

[Traci Elizabeth]

I agree,
If anyone was to treat me as a "special case" in any way...I'd see it a mile away in a split second, and That would hurt & belittle me just the same as if someone was being unthoughtful & callus..

Just treat me the same as you would like to be treated, that is all....I'm a big girl that has been over so many hurdles to get as far as I did..and didn't get there by being treated special along the way.
:hugs:

Dog gone it! Quit agreeing with me on ever issue! It gets boring! Disagree with every now and then just to keep me gounded .:bigsmack:!

[Andy66]

You are assuming that this person feels isolated.
I see your point, Kelly, but in all fairness, I am the one who originally said that New Girl seemed alone and upset. I saw her looking that way four times before she suddenly became popular. I guess I jumped to conclusions that people may be excluding her because she's trans, or at least appeared to be. I really couldn't come up with any other reason for it. She seems very pleasant, intelligent, etc. Clearly not all transpeople feel isolated, but this particular lovely lady seemed to at the time, and that made me sad. :sad: