Mentality and time

[GBNatarii]

So, if any one has read a few of my posts scattered throughout the forums, one can easily see what my attitudes are to various things. For those too lazy to look them up, here is a summary:

I'm an egomaniac, narcissistic, arrogant jerk, and quite often. I'm blunt, I'm loud, and really just all around annoying.

I've only extremely recently realized how far I want to transition. I've just as recently came out to my family about all the stuffs, and I did the same with friends/cousins about a year ago. I've been CD'ing for 11 years, and I know in my guts, one day, some how, some way, I'll be a full fledged female in everything but DNA.

Wellp, I'm already running into oh, so many problems. I'm having big arguments with my mother, who ironically enough is my biggest supporter at this point in time. My mood swings over the past two weeks have been beyond extreme, what with coming out to people and have a bloody hernia operation on top of it. My sister has told me to my face that I'm nothing to her, along with several of my friends who fit into a certain demographic. It's all just been hitting the fan, really.

Anyways, to try to form a point here. I have that mentality of being extremely angry, frustrated, ego-maniacal, and just generally a jerkwad to every one. Lately, I've been swinging from that to depressed, to extremely happy yesterday, and now back to pure anger. I just know I'm going to be this angry nutcase once I've transitioned to any degree, and it's scaring me and angering me even further.

Plus there's the fact that I'm getting beyond annoyed that it just doesn't seem to go fast enough for me. My patience has already been worn out with virtually every aspect of this. I'm frustrated that in the USA, of all bloody places, it's the biggest pain in the butt to even get started on transitioning. It doesn't help that I can't seem to find any worthwhile help any where. Plus the hernia (Despite being fixed) is now just a constant reminder that I'm still full male, and not any where close to being what I want to be. Plus, I've now had to learn the hard way that should I stay a male, I'll either be a sex addict rapist, or a serial killer. Really, I looked up the psychological symptoms of those, and I fit 'em to a "T."

And virtually every argument with my mother essentially boils down to her not getting it through her bloody head that I've been doing this for half my life, and I've thought very deeply on the subject for one fourth my life; I know exactly what I want, and she doesn't want me to do hardly anything. She wants me to have friends, and a bloody girl/boy friend... I don't want that junk, jeez. I've been alone my whole bloody life, I believe I'll be fine continuing to be alone.

Okay, I may not have a definitive point in there. I just needed to explode a bit, I guess. Ugh, I don't even feel like I'm able to put into words everything that's actually bugging me.

[Kelly DeWinter]

"I'm an egomaniac, narcissistic, arrogant jerk, and quite often. I'm blunt, I'm loud, and really just all around annoying."


Just don't hit me when I ask these questions. OK ? ? ?

1) How old are you ?

2) Why are you arguing with your mom all of the time, parents really don't deserve most of the stuff teens, and young adults heap on them.

3) Have you thought about anger management ?

4) your happiness really depends on you , not those around you.

Kelly

P.S. i'm ducking behind a chair now

[GBNatarii]

1) How old are you ?

I'm 22 years of age.


2) Why are you arguing with your mom all of the time, parents really don't deserve most of the stuff teens, and young adults heap on them.

Because she asks how I'm "truly feeling" about being a girl. I say I'm fine, I'm getting there. She respond with, "You really should date some one. You need to have a real relationship before you can make big decisions like this." Bam, I snap. It's bad enough she's doing the age old thing of wanting her son to have that perfect girlfriend and be happy ever after into the sunset, but she's also, simultaneously, throwing out the other age old, "I'm older than you, so that means I'm automatically smarter than you, now shut up and do as I say."


3) Have you thought about anger management ?

Honestly, I tried it about five times at random points in my life, and it just doesn't work. Between every single one of those "therapists" worrying about my "poor, sad, wittle s-s-s-s-self esteems!!" and the general fact that I have to live in a place full of proles... Just, nothing is going to work.


4) your happiness really depends on you , not those around you.

Yeah, that's true. Except for having to get hormones... Oh, and I don't really want to, ya know... Chop it off, without a doctor standing nearby. Plus, there are all these rules saying I have to put up with one of the above mentioned moronic therapists for three months before I can even start those two things.


P.S. i'm ducking behind a chair now

O... Kay then.

[kellycan27]

Thanks for the warning

[GBNatarii]

Wait, what?

[kellycan27]

Wait, what?

Just kiddin :heehee:

[noeleena]

Hi.
as a point of interest have you had any blood checks to get a pic of some things going on in side your head. & body. a high count of t may be a factor here . me thinks you have a rage detail going on. your right dont go see the srink D r s i never did nore would .im only saying this concerning my self no one else,

The first stop would be blood tests. & see what that brings up .
You are boardering on what my father had out of control Total,, RAGE. & make no mistake its real as your telling it as it is .
oh the first 5 years of my life only with my father . & mum & me seperated. so i know what your talking about.
social skills sounds close to home or to get on with people .
there is some help that you can get if you wont to . i know what im talking about here. see & have a talk with a good D r who has delt with people who have had this,

im not saying you have this .

are you on any meds, is depression a part of this look at details & things that could trigger your details. just some things to look at , iv seen what your saying in action ,

& there is some mild meds that could help , & if later on you go by the transision root then may be h r t could help . it all so could be a mental ilness that is there, is drink in this .
im looking at different things here, & if im well off the mark thats okay , im trying to look at the root cause. if i can help ill try,

...noeleena...

[GBNatarii]

Hi.
as a point of interest have you had any blood checks to get a pic of some things going on in side your head. & body. a high count of t may be a factor here . me thinks you have a rage detail going on. your right dont go see the srink D r s i never did nore would .im only saying this concerning my self no one else,

The first stop would be blood tests. & see what that brings up .
You are boardering on what my father had out of control Total,, RAGE. & make no mistake its real as your telling it as it is .
oh the first 5 years of my life only with my father . & mum & me seperated. so i know what your talking about.
social skills sounds close to home or to get on with people .
there is some help that you can get if you wont to . i know what im talking about here. see & have a talk with a good D r who has delt with people who have had this,

im not saying you have this .

are you on any meds, is depression a part of this look at details & things that could trigger your details. just some things to look at , iv seen what your saying in action ,

& there is some mild meds that could help , & if later on you go by the transision root then may be h r t could help . it all so could be a mental ilness that is there, is drink in this .
im looking at different things here, & if im well off the mark thats okay , im trying to look at the root cause. if i can help ill try,

...noeleena...

I'm... Trying to read your post...

I did have a blood test done once when I was sixteen to check on testosterone levels as a random thing to see if I had Asperger's Syndrome (Mild Autism). It came out to 4 (Yes, FOUR) times more testosterone than the average 16 year old male. And of course, that was 6 years ago, so I dunno if it's stayed the same or dropped.

And I have tried to talk to several doctors and therapists about the anger issues, especially throughout the entire teenage years. None of them were able to help that much really.

As for medications... Yes, I'm on two medications right now. The first is Keppra, an anti-seizure medicine that I'm still taking from having the brain surgery back in September '08. I'm also currently on Percocet pain killers because of the hernia surgery two... Well, now three days ago. That should only last two more weeks at most. The Keppra, I've no idea how long I'll be on that. I want to get off it, because I'm definitely experiencing one of it's side effects of moderate memory loss. But, as long as I keep getting seizures, I'm stuck on it.

You brought up drinking, and since it's related, I'll throw smoking in as well. I do drink. But so rarely that even my family doesn't believe I actually drink. I do down half a pack of cigarettes a day, although that I will be cutting back on that, since I just learned, not more than an hour ago, that smoking messes up the ability to get a female voice.

And kellycan27... You're just confusing me.

PS: Yes, I forced myself to cool off a bit while reading a TS website I randomly bumped into. I shouldn't have acted like a jerk to you guys since you all barely know me, and by extension, aren't really able to help at all. Basically, I'm sorry. I probably shouldn't have made the thread, but... Eh, what can I do. I realize now that I clearly don't have as much Jedi patience as I thought I did.

[Faith_G]

You know what the problem is with your personal relationships, you said it yourself. You are hard person to love. And that is YOUR problem.

Now about being an angry nutcase after transitioning. Back when I was your age (God, I sound like my grandma) I was mad at the world. It's draining to be angry all the time and I got tired and stopped lashing out. And the world became a nicer place for me. Did the world really change?

Something to keep in mind when things are getting you upset. I don't know who said it but here goes: "A bad attitude never improves a bad situation."

People react to you, positive or negative. Change you and you change the world.

[Stephenie S]

I can diagnose this pretty easily.

You have a bad case of testosterone poisoning.

A low dose of estrogen might just smooth out your life remarkably.

If you truly plan on transitioning it's time to get started. Stop arguing with your mother and get into therapy. The sooner you get on hormone therapy, the sooner you will get better.

Stephie

[GBNatarii]

I can diagnose this pretty easily.

You have a bad case of testosterone poisoning.
Unread
A low dose of estrogen might just smooth out your life remarkably.

If you truly plan on transitioning it's time to get started. Stop arguing with your mother and get into therapy. The sooner you get on hormone therapy, the sooner you will get better.

Stephie

Ironically enough, what made me snap last night was when I was looking at therapists in my area. I couldn't find a single one that I could afford, even if I still worked at WalMart, I wouldn't be able to afford it.

[Karen564]

I'm an egomaniac, narcissistic, arrogant jerk, and quite often. I'm blunt, I'm loud, and really just all around annoying.

I saw that after viewing a few of your post, but now that I see your aware how you behave, I see no reason why you can't change your attitude..
If you were a total nut case, you wouldn't know your own behavior is abrasive ..and would blame the world & think nothing is wrong with you..it's only them..
I also see that your no dummy, so why not use those smarts & tackle your problems..


And virtually every argument with my mother essentially boils down to her not getting it through her bloody head that I've been doing this for half my life, and I've thought very deeply on the subject for one fourth my life; I know exactly what I want, and she doesn't want me to do hardly anything.


I've only extremely recently realized how far I want to transition

This is where I think you need to cut your mother some slack....

You may have thought about this for a while, but you said this news of you transitioning is fairly recent to her ...
So of course shes not going to "get it" immediately..
Do you honestly believe that all our families immediately embraced us & jumped for joy after we told them our news......I think not !
Even the risk of loosing family is very real for many, it has happened to some here..so she must care about you deeply if your still living there, and she's probably even blaming herself for your issues now....it's just what parents do...

You also mentioned that she would like you to have a girl or boy friend to have a relationship with....is that because you haven't had one? if not, her suggesting this not necessarily bad advise, in fact I think it's very wise ...she's only looking after your own good, and doesn't want you to later come back saying it was a mistake not doing just that 1st....
but seeing the current state of mind your in, it's obviouse you already have your mind set of what you want or don't want..

All this takes time....and sometimes, lots of it...but with you being 22 years old, I doubt you have little patience & want it all over & done with yesterday..but believe it or not, you have time..
Thing is, you've already wasted lots of time by not seeing a therapist on a regular basis, because you could of already been on hormones & on your way by now....
So why not start now, and work with a therapist instead of bucking heads with them...since their goal is to help you, not hurt you..

I do wish you well...:hugs:

[Stephenie S]

Ironically enough, what made me snap last night was when I was looking at therapists in my area. I couldn't find a single one that I could afford, even if I still worked at WalMart, I wouldn't be able to afford it.

What do you mean you were "looking at therapists and couldn't find one you could afford"?

How many have you talked to? Therapists don't post their rates in the phone book. Talk to some. Seriously. It's time. Have you NO insurance what so ever? Therapists know how to bill without raising a red flag. This is something you HAVE to do unless you LIKE being the way you are.

Stephie

[Karan49]

Do you have any outfits? If not, go out and buy some, ask some store associates to help you pick out some clothes and get out there. You don't need hormones, oh it would help, but if you're in so much of a hurry go out dressed during the day. Go ahead and start on your facial hair removal with electrolysis or lasar treatments.
What are you waiting for? You'll only become more angry if you keep holding back. As you've often heard, "Just Do It!". Go get a pedi and a mani, you'll feel better. Stop by Victoria's Secret and get some sexy bras and panties...show them to your mom. Move yourself along...do you feel better? If so good you're moving in the right direction, if you're still angry try something else such as dating a guy, or a gal.
See what works and note what doesn't. For Gosh Sakes try new and different things! Don't stay mad and angry, that just sucks!

Karan

[GBNatarii]

I saw that after viewing a few of your post, but now that I see your aware how you behave, I see no reason why you can't change your attitude..
If you were a total nut case, you wouldn't know your own behavior is abrasive ..and would blame the world & think nothing is wrong with you..it's only them..
I also see that your no dummy, so why not use those smarts & tackle your problems..

Yeah, I see what you're saying. I guess I need to study Jedi stuff more, or something...


This is where I think you need to cut your mother some slack....

You may have thought about this for a while, but you said this news of you transitioning is fairly recent to her ...
So of course shes not going to "get it" immediately..

Yes, I see. I admit that if I'd considered fully transitioning earlier, I might actually be able to say to my mother what my thoughts are. Hmm... Maybe I'll slow down on that part a little.


Do you honestly believe that all our families immediately embraced us & jumped for joy after we told them our news......I think not !

From the stories I've read on here, no I was not expecting them to continue on their daily lives as if nothing change. That's why I was surprised when they actually did. And I guess that's what's messing with me now, is that they accepted the CD'ing so quickly, but not all the stuff after it.


You also mentioned that she would like you to have a girl or boy friend to have a relationship with....is that because you haven't had one? if not, her suggesting this not necessarily bad advise, in fact I think it's very wise ...she's only looking after your own good, and doesn't want you to later come back saying it was a mistake not doing just that 1st....
but seeing the current state of mind your in, it's obviouse you already have your mind set of what you want or don't want..

No, I've never been in a dating type relationship ever before. I mean, I've tried. I've probably asked out 25ish girls over the course of my life, and maybe 5ish guys. Nothing ever happened though.


All this takes time....and sometimes, lots of it...but with you being 22 years old, I doubt you have little patience & want it all over & done with yesterday..but believe it or not, you have time..
Thing is, you've already wasted lots of time by not seeing a therapist on a regular basis, because you could of already been on hormones & on your way by now....
So why not start now, and work with a therapist instead of bucking heads with them...since their goal is to help you, not hurt you..

Well the thing is, when I was younger, and actually seeing a therapist, I had no idea what I was actually feeling, and didn't want to tell them. Now that I'm older and I know where to look to get information on any random thought I've got, it's easier to put into words whatever I happen to be thinking/feeling.


What do you mean you were "looking at therapists and couldn't find one you could afford"?

How many have you talked to? Therapists don't post their rates in the phone book. Talk to some. Seriously. It's time. Have you NO insurance what so ever? Therapists know how to bill without raising a red flag. This is something you HAVE to do unless you LIKE being the way you are.

I mean, that I've been looking up therapists on the internet, through my primary physician and so forth, trying to find one to go to. I've only actually talked to... Oh, in the past year, three. I do have insurance through my father's work. It's actually some pretty damn good insurance by any one's standards. The thing is, so many of the therapists (And all three I met this past year) have this thing of "We'll not charge your insurance, so you can maintain your privacy about X, Y, and Z." Which comes out as, "We don't wanna have to do the paper work." If my family can't use the insurance, we simply cannot afford it.


Do you have any outfits? If not, go out and buy some, ask some store associates to help you pick out some clothes and get out there. You don't need hormones, oh it would help, but if you're in so much of a hurry go out dressed during the day. Go ahead and start on your facial hair removal with electrolysis or lasar treatments.
What are you waiting for? You'll only become more angry if you keep holding back. As you've often heard, "Just Do It!". Go get a pedi and a mani, you'll feel better. Stop by Victoria's Secret and get some sexy bras and panties...show them to your mom. Move yourself along...do you feel better? If so good you're moving in the right direction, if you're still angry try something else such as dating a guy, or a gal.
See what works and note what doesn't. For Gosh Sakes try new and different things! Don't stay mad and angry, that just sucks!

I've two outfits. One skirt with two matching shirts, and some jeans with a long sleeve top and vest that seem to all work well together. (I had my female friend working in the clothing department at the time pick them out for me, so I wouldn't look stupid.) But all that other stuff costs oh, so much money. Money I don't have, and my family doesn't appear quite yet ready to give to me.

[Karan49]

Do you go out dressed to the mall, a movie, to lunch at a restaurant, for a walk in the park? What about your hair; is it styled in a feminine way? The friend you mentioned who works in a shop, does she know of your being transgendered and if so have you asked her out to lunch or gone for a walk or even shopped together?
You mentioned the therapist not wanting to do the paperwork. The way I heard it is that he or she didn't want you to feel akward about being labled "transgendered" and would use another diagnostic catagory such as "depression" which is fairly common, non-stigmatic and still covers payment by the insurance company. After seeing a therapist for awhile you can always ask to be referred to a gender therapist who could also be treating you for "depression". It might be worth a try.
So you only have two outfits, can you mix and match to make three or four outfits? Do you have shoes to wear? When I transitioned in 1988 I hadn't been on hormones, in fact it wasn't until a year or so later I began hormones. I did work on getting my face and neck cleared of those nasty hairs. I worked at a very low paying job to pay for the electrolysis which took years...but you have to do what you have to do.
I also worked at a convenience store and as a maid doing house cleaning to pay for my clothes and electrolysis. So, if you really want to show your parents and gain acceptance show them or just your mom how serious you are; get out and get a job preferably as a female.
Getting a name change is pretty simple. I did the paperwork on my own filing the petition with the court and when I showed up in court the judge called my name and asked why I wanted the name change, then looked at me all dressed so pretty and then he said, oh, I see that's obvious; let me know if you need any help. I had to publish the name change, then had to go to the social security office and the driver's license bureau to be prepared for employment applications. I started with fairly menial work so I just said I didn't have any previous work experience but I know how to work really hard and how to listen to the boss. No problem there; I did put in about 50 applications before I was hired but I got two jobs. You can do this, you really can... just keep going for your goal and don't let anything stop you. Have fun along the way and the anger will dissipate.
And, about looking stupid, yeah I get it but you can make this into a game. I remember going into Fashion Bug and an associate came over to me and asked if she could help me so I told her I feel really, really stupid, but I could use tons of her help and expertise as I wanted to dress up to look for work and I didn't have a clue as how to pick out any outfits. I didn't have a lot to spend. I was stunned when she smiled and began to pick out about ten outfits including shoes, jewelry, and even underwear then she put me in a dressing room and had me come out to the three way mirror to show me what worked and why. Some of the other associated came over and added their opinions as did some customers. I was so relieved and had a blast. That was about 22 years ago. I'm still astounded that just opening up that little itty bit made my life so much easier and pleasurable.


Karan

[Stephenie S]

Therapists want to get paid. Therapists know that if they bill for gender disorder they will NOT get paid. The insurance company will kick it right back to the therapist. So therapists generally bill for some innocuous thing like "personality disorder". Everyone's happy.

If you are happy with your present situation, then keep it up. Do nothing. If you want to make something happen, then you have to MAKE SOMETHING HAPPEN. This is how ANYTHING get done in this world. You have to MAKE IT HAPPEN. Learning and understanding this concept is part of growing up. There is no shame in being young but it's time for you to grow up.

You have mentioned several times that you are thinking of transitioning. Good. This process starts with gender therapy, progresses to hormone therapy, then to full time living, and then surgery. Along the way you get electrolysis to get rid of there beard, lear how to talk like a lady, change your wardrobe and learn how to act like a lady. It's a long process, and should take you about five years if you get busy and do it. Always remember there is nothing permanent about this right up till the time the surgeon picks up his scalpel. You can always say, "Oops, I changed my mind". There is no shame in that either.

But where you are now, wallowing in anger and frustration is a waste of yours and everyone else's time.

[CharleneT]

Along with the loads of great advice above, I'd like to add this: you will have to be patient to transition. Whether you feel you can or not really doesn't matter, you have to be. The process takes a while, years, even when things are close to "perfect".

As for $ for clothes, you can get by pretty cheaply if you use local thrifts and the best boutique in the country: Good Will. If the money issue can't be worked out with any of the therapists you've spoken to, consider your local Community Mental Health Center (whatever it is called there). They will have a sliding scale, normally pretty good one.

[Karen564]

Ok, guess I should add this little tibit....Many gender therapist have a sliding scale...meaning they will go by what you can afford....within reason of course, they have a limit & don't do it for free...but may get it as low as $50-60. per.... But of course you have health insurance, they love it because they get their full rate .

So when you do locate & get to talk with them, ask if they have a sliding scale rate....that's if you have to pay this out of your pocket....

[GBNatarii]

Do you go out dressed to the mall, a movie, to lunch at a restaurant, for a walk in the park? What about your hair; is it styled in a feminine way? The friend you mentioned who works in a shop, does she know of your being transgendered and if so have you asked her out to lunch or gone for a walk or even shopped together?...
...So you only have two outfits, can you mix and match to make three or four outfits? Do you have shoes to wear?...

I'll try to respond as much as possible and in order.

I do not go out dressed at all. I would not pass in even the slightest bit. I'm kinda one big hairy beast. As for my hair, right now it's military style male buzz cut. Could be a female, but not the kind I'm looking to pass as. I have not been able to talk to that friend since I got fired at the end of February.

I do have some sort of female boots to wear, but I would not be able to mix and match my current garments to create more than the 2.5 outfits I currently have.



You have mentioned several times that you are thinking of transitioning. Good. This process starts with gender therapy, progresses to hormone therapy, then to full time living, and then surgery. Along the way you get electrolysis to get rid of there beard, lear how to talk like a lady, change your wardrobe and learn how to act like a lady. It's a long process, and should take you about five years if you get busy and do it. Always remember there is nothing permanent about this right up till the time the surgeon picks up his scalpel. You can always say, "Oops, I changed my mind". There is no shame in that either.

According to my calculations, such as the biggest factor of financial stuffs, if I started moving towards that right now, it'd take 15-20 years. As for the voice... I'm not even really going to try.


As for $ for clothes, you can get by pretty cheaply if you use local thrifts and the best boutique in the country: Good Will. If the money issue can't be worked out with any of the therapists you've spoken to, consider your local Community Mental Health Center (whatever it is called there). They will have a sliding scale, normally pretty good one.

I currently have... 12 dollars in my bank account.

And "Community Mental Health Center" or similar names, eh? I'll look for something like that. Thanks for throwing that one out there. Now I've yet one more thing I can research.


Ok, guess I should add this little tibit....Many gender therapist have a sliding scale...meaning they will go by what you can afford....within reason of course, they have a limit & don't do it for free...but may get it as low as $50-60. per.... But of course you have health insurance, they love it because they get their full rate .

So when you do locate & get to talk with them, ask if they have a sliding scale rate....that's if you have to pay this out of your pocket....

So... I should really be asking if they'll take insurance under depression? I've been able to easily get that before. Once, my dad's insurance approved me to go to therapy for depression with in a crazy 19 hours. Nineteen hours! That surprised everyone.

[Karen564]

It's not something they will likely tell you over the phone...but you can try..
When treating GID, they usually file it as depression on the claim form...
You may need to have a face to face consultation 1st..before they get into all that with you.
Just be sure that they accept the insurance plan your in 1st.. that you can ask over the phone.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

your biggest thing is to simply drop the attitude, drop the anger and figure out your next best steps...mine was to get a career going and make some $$....it took alot of time..

when i was 22 years old...i had $44,000 student loans...i was down $44k...so you are $43,988 ahead of me

my gender therapist did many sessions at $20 copay...she said i had depression and general anxiety disorder..and it was true..i got alot of help from her

i am 6'2 ..when i was 22, i was 230ish lbs..my body was covered with hair...being passable was something i couldnt dream of, and i look alot better 25 years later.
if you take 15-20 years, that would be faster than my timetable

not one person on this earth knew about my issue when i was 22...i stole from laundromats for clothes. i'm not proud but thats what i did..and when i realized how scummy that was, i decided to get to work so i could pay for my own stuff..that was my simple first step..you've already told people ..thats a huge first step and you should be proud (regardless of what the response was..you stood up for yourself)

that's what you gotta do..take another step, and see where that leads.....otherwise you'll be angry and no further ahead year after year..

no one can tell you what to do, and we're just internet posters...all we can do is share...but you are getting alot of great advice and you don't have to respond to every single line of every post...you just have to take whatever info you think is most helpful for YOU and run with it...

:hugs:

[GBNatarii]

...but you are getting alot of great advice and you don't have to respond to every single line of every post...

But I wanna! :sad:

(You see what I did there? Bah ha ha ha ha... ha... ha..................... Ha. Man, I crack myself up some times.)

It's just that since I'm so new to this, I'm kinda treating all information as worthwhile information, ya know, which is partly why I'm responding to every little line. I figure if I can give you guys the absolute most information possible about me, you'll be able to analyse better to narrow down which direction I should be facing.

[Karan49]

I was reading another thread about CDer's hating themselves and your comments seem to contradict what you say here. How can you reconcile that you say you have 2.5 outfits on this thread and on the other topic you mention that you have several outfits for each season and that your mom helped you to choose these outfits. On previous threads in 2009 you mention you're going to let your hair grow into a more feminine manner and yet now you say you have a military buzz cut. What's going on here?
Many people have given you great advice on how you can procede and you have a reason or excuse for not following through.
Until you decide to move forward you won't make any progress. I'm not going to waste my tme reading your posts any longer and the only advice I will suggest is to grow up.

Karan

[VeronicaMoonlit]

I'm an egomaniac, narcissistic, arrogant jerk, and quite often. I'm blunt, I'm loud, and really just all around annoying.

Yes.


My mood swings over the past two weeks have been beyond extreme, what with coming out to people and have a bloody hernia operation on top of it.
I have that mentality of being extremely angry, frustrated, ego-maniacal, and just generally a jerkwad to every one. Lately, I've been swinging from that to depressed, to extremely happy yesterday, and now back to pure anger.

I think you need to talk to a doctor about the mood swings, and at the moment concentrate the most on recovering from your hernia.


I just know I'm going to be this angry nutcase once I've transitioned to any degree, and it's scaring me and angering me even further.

Have you tried to "not" be an angry at the world sort of person?


Plus there's the fact that I'm getting beyond annoyed that it just doesn't seem to go fast enough for me. My patience has already been worn out with virtually every aspect of this.

Patience Grasshopper, it takes time, time for you, time for family. It's best not to rush it.


Plus, I've now had to learn the hard way that should I stay a male, I'll either be a sex addict rapist, or a serial killer. Really, I looked up the psychological symptoms of those, and I fit 'em to a "T."

Doesn't mean you are, though your misogyny troubled me. Empathy is the key.


She respond with, "You really should date some one. You need to have a real relationship before you can make big decisions like this." Bam, I snap.

Don't snap...she's just doing the "Mom" thing. Politely tell her no thanks.


Between every single one of those "therapists" worrying about my "poor, sad, wittle s-s-s-s-self esteems!!" and the general fact that I have to live in a place full of proles... Just, nothing is going to work.

You can't go in with an attitude like that and expect things to work. Those people are trained. Maybe they think your self esteem is important because it is important?


Plus, there are all these rules saying I have to put up with one of the above mentioned moronic therapists for three months before I can even start those two things.

The rules are there to prevent future regrets...yes they need to loosen up a bit, but they're there for a reason. And you need to stop disparaging therapists, they aren't perfect, but there's no need to call them morons.




I did have a blood test done once when I was sixteen to check on testosterone levels as a random thing to see if I had Asperger's Syndrome (Mild Autism).

Are you an Aspie?

As for medications... Yes, I'm on two medications right now. The first is Keppra, an anti-seizure medicine that I'm still taking from having the brain surgery back in September '08. The Keppra, I've no idea how long I'll be on that. I want to get off it, because I'm definitely experiencing one of it's side effects of moderate memory loss. But, as long as I keep getting seizures, I'm stuck on it.

I do drink. [/quote]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Levetiracetam

I believe you're also experiencing the behavioral side effects as well, and you really shouldn't drink alcohol, it's usually contraindicted for those on anti-convulsants. Keppra isn't the only one, you really should call your doctor right away and tell him/her about the anger/mood swings, they can prescribe you a different one.


Basically, I'm sorry. I probably shouldn't have made the thread, but... Eh, what can I do. I realize now that I clearly don't have as much Jedi patience as I thought I did.

A yoda quote is appropriate: "But beware of the dark side. Anger, fear, aggression; the dark side of the Force are they. Easily they flow, quick to join you in a fight. If once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny, consume you it will"


I do not go out dressed at all. I would not pass in even the slightest bit.

So? There's plenty of people who don't pass who go out, and yes even transition.


As for my hair, right now it's military style male buzz cut. Could be a female, but not the kind I'm looking to pass as.

Well then, that's easy to fix, and a good way to start making yourself feel better. Grow it out.


As for the voice... I'm not even really going to try.

Yoda: No. Try not. Do... or do not. There is no try.

Luke: I don't, I don't believe it.
Yoda: That is why you fail.

You won't know if you will fail for certain until you make the attempt.


And "Community Mental Health Center" or similar names, eh? I'll look for something like that. Thanks for throwing that one out there. Now I've yet one more thing I can research.

They can be very helpful.

Veronica Rogers

[GBNatarii]

I was reading another thread about CDer's hating themselves and your comments seem to contradict what you say here. How can you reconcile that you say you have 2.5 outfits on this thread and on the other topic you mention that you have several outfits for each season and that your mom helped you to choose these outfits. On previous threads in 2009 you mention you're going to let your hair grow into a more feminine manner and yet now you say you have a military buzz cut. What's going on here?
Many people have given you great advice on how you can procede and you have a reason or excuse for not following through.
Until you decide to move forward you won't make any progress. I'm not going to waste my tme reading your posts any longer and the only advice I will suggest is to grow up.

Karan

Well, I'd wear the skirt for spring and summer, the jeans for fall and winter. I have not found a single one of my posts where I stated I had multiple outfits for all the seasons though. And I got the hair cut for two reasons. One, at first, coming out was not in any way going as planned. Two, had to do it to get a job.

I don't hate myself. I've never hated myself. I hate mostly other things.

And if I'm just a waste of time, go ahead and choose to ignore my posts.


Have you tried to "not" be an angry at the world sort of person?

I find it hard to tone that down in the world I live in. Just see some of my recent posts in the main section.


Doesn't mean you are, though your misogyny troubled me. Empathy is the key.

I understand where you're coming from. It's just... How I am. I know I certainly was not raised to be misogynous, it's just how I came to be after living my life. Hell, even my own mother says the same thing to me.


You can't go in with an attitude like that and expect things to work. Those people are trained. Maybe they think your self esteem is important because it is important?

It's not important to me. I feel too much time is wasted on trying to "fix" some one's self-esteems, when energy and work can be applied to better purposes elsewhere. Besides, how could a self-admitting arrogant narcissist have self-esteem problems anyways?


Are you an Aspie?

Yes, and don't call me an "Aspie."


I believe you're also experiencing the behavioral side effects as well, and you really shouldn't drink alcohol, it's usually contraindicted for those on anti-convulsants. Keppra isn't the only one, you really should call your doctor right away and tell him/her about the anger/mood swings, they can prescribe you a different one.

No, these mood swings and so forth have been here for years. I saw at least three therapists in my teenage years, possibly more because of it.


Yoda: No. Try not. Do... or do not. There is no try.

Luke: I don't, I don't believe it.
Yoda: That is why you fail.

You won't know if you will fail for certain until you make the attempt.

The only female voice I can do is when I speak Japanese. I can't do feminine voices in any other language I know.

And I mainly said the thing about not trying because I'm hearing impaired. All of the impairment is in the high pitch range, ie, female voices. I don't even hear feminine voices correctly, I could never replicate them.

[Hope]

I'm an egomaniac, narcissistic, arrogant jerk, and quite often. I'm blunt, I'm loud, and really just all around annoying.

Hrmmmm... So you are an a$$hole, and you are having difficulty having positive interactions with other human beings. Look at my shocked face.

But I understand, when I was 22, I was a pretty big a$$hole too. The difference is I didn't recognize it, but you do. That is a HUGE advantage, because being aware of it, you can do something about it. Or you can just keep being an a$$hole and expect the world to change to fit you. I wonder which will be more effective.

And I am calling shenanigans on the therapist thing. You are telling too many stories. You are openly hostile about therapy in one post, in another you are desperately seeking a therapist but can't find one, in another you have talked to therapists but multiple therapists refuse to work with your insurance. None of those stories sound authentic, and together they reek. Shenanigans.

Cut the bull and go see a therapist. Stop with the excuses. Get a referral to someone who has experience with gender issues if you feel that is something you should pursue right now, but go see a therapist, it is obvious you have a lot of anger and I would bet other issues to sort out as well. Or don't go to therapy if it isn't important to you. But if I were you, and I were still taking advantage of mommy and daddies' insurance, I would suckle long and hard at that teat.

My point here is this - and it is the same one you have heard from some of the other girls: If you are not happy with your life, make changes. We all know change is hard, and I think everyone here would support you through the process. However, if you are not happy and not willing to make changes, don't use that as an excuse to be an a$$hole and make those around you miserable too.


It's not important to me. I feel too much time is wasted on trying to "fix" some one's self-esteems, when energy and work can be applied to better purposes elsewhere. Besides, how could a self-admitting arrogant narcissist have self-esteem problems anyways?

2 issues:

1) I have never met a therapist that forced a client to "waste time" on things the client didn't want to talk about. That is just not how it works. Take responsibility for your own time with your therapist. You want to deal with other issues - deal with other issues.

2) "A self-admitting arrogant narcissist" has problems with self esteem because he is using the arrogant narcissism as a way to hide his self loathing and sense of inferiority. It's the same reason homophobic Republican senators vote against gay rights, and why men who are insecure in their masculinity buy big trucks.

[GBNatarii]

Hrmmmm... So you are an a$$hole, and you are having difficulty having positive interactions with other human beings. Look at my shocked face.

I see.


And I am calling shenanigans on the therapist thing. You are telling too many stories. You are openly hostile about therapy in one post, in another you are desperately seeking a therapist but can't find one, in another you have talked to therapists but multiple therapists refuse to work with your insurance. None of those stories sound authentic, and together they reek. Shenanigans.

I'm beginning to suspect from many people that nothing I say will be considered true. I just have a lot of stories. I mean... What more can I honestly tell ya? And I try my hardest to tell every one every tiny little detail, in the hopes that it'll help you guys look at my situation better and be able to offer the best advice. I've even had people tell me in other threads they're surprised about how much I'm willing to reveal of myself on this site.

I am desperately seeking a therapist. One that will take my insurance is where I'm starting. I move on to one that will not simply say "And... How does that... Make you... Feel?" (Yes, I've had one just like Dr. Phil...)

I mean... What do you want me to say? That I'm BS'ing ya? I'm not. I honestly... I have no clue what I gotta do to get people to be nice to me here, and actually help me on random things... Is there some sort of secret thread I have to post in first? Because all I've gotten lately is pure skepticism, insults, and down right hatred the past few weeks. I don't know what to do to make you guys actually give me a chance anymore. I can't even make a bloody post without at least two people basically demanding I leave the site.

I made a thread earlier today asking how to shave in weird areas. Three people made eight total posts recommending construction tools. The first two posts were so perfectly worded, that I was unbelievably confused. I even replied and specifically asked if they were messing with my head, or if those were real names for razors... I didn't get a direct response, only more construction tools, and I didn't even figure it out until one of the moderators closed the thread.

Seriously, should I just leave this site and figure it out all on my own? I came here expecting, of all people, the transgendered community to help me with... Ya know, transgendered topics and issues, and... It's not there. As I said, all I've gotten in return is insults, skepticism, and hatred.


2 issues:

1) I have never met a therapist that forced a client to "waste time" on things the client didn't want to talk about. That is just not how it works. Take responsibility for your own time with your therapist. You want to deal with other issues - deal with other issues.

2) "A self-admitting arrogant narcissist" has problems with self esteem because he is using the arrogant narcissism as a way to hide his self loathing and sense of inferiority. It's the same reason homophobic Republican senators vote against gay rights, and why men who are insecure in their masculinity buy big trucks.

1: Yes, I did have a therapist like that. It doesn't help that I'm beyond nervous in... well, basically any situation involving another human being, and was just trying to go with the flow in order to get out of the room and as far away from it as possible.

2: I've no self loathing. I definitely have various senses of inferiority in various random situations.

And, I do own a big truck. Blue 1997 Dodge Ram 1500.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

But I wanna! :sad:

(You see what I did there? Bah ha ha ha ha... ha... ha..................... Ha. Man, I crack myself up some times.)

It's just that since I'm so new to this, I'm kinda treating all information as worthwhile information, ya know, which is partly why I'm responding to every little line. I figure if I can give you guys the absolute most information possible about me, you'll be able to analyse better to narrow down which direction I should be facing.

heh:heehee:

you are very tricky...but you have all the info..your feelings dont matter as much as what you do!! i know you wanna..

[GBNatarii]

Watch, as I suddenly become an Unperson. (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/Unperson)

2 + 2 =
2 + 2 =
2 + 2 =
2 + 2 = 1984