Unpassable crossdresser

[calliekat]

I am in a rut. I love to dress. However, all the make up, wigs, etc, can not take away my hopelessly male figure. I am 215lbs, big round face, not even close to a nice feminine mouth or lips. If I were ever to attempt to dress in public, it would be very obvious I was a male TRYING to dress as a woman. No matter how hard I try.

In one way, I am discouraged. Because to me, this means I (probably) can never go out in public dressed. At least without ridicule and everything that goes with the homophobic/gay mind set many have with crossdressers.

Therefore, in another way. At least I live alone and if I want to dress, I can. In my own seclusion and not wonder if I pass or not. (I don't)

[Teresa Ann]

Callie, never say never, you can go to almost any store and find womens clothes that will fit your body. We are our worst critics. I see that you live on the east coast so if you really want to go out look for a service that will help with your image they will help with the right look as in what style will help hide the flaws. I hope you the best, and hope to see you out. Teresa

[Debb]

Here's what ya gotta do, Callie ... it's hard as hell but it's worth it.

First thing, if you're like me ... you can fantasize about how wonderful you look all day, as long as you don't take photos ... you need to get over that. Women suffer the same problems that we do, feeling "ugly" and not pretty enough ... we're all just human beings, after all.

Secondly, you need an attitude adjustment. You are a man in a dress! If someone crosses your path and has some kind of homophobic attitude, give them some sauce! Make them regret the day they dared to make fun of the guy wearing a dress... you could do it several ways. You can "gay it up" for lack of a better term; when someone calls you a homo, let them know by your attitude that you think that's OK; after all, it is. We're all just human beings, ya know? Gay or not.

Decide for yourself that it doesn't matter whether folks think you're gay or not. Yeah, ridicule is a big part of the game, but it's never going to disappear ... lotsa folks get a kick out of making fun of others, yes it's immature and it's hard to take but girl, the freedom you'll feel 90 percent of the time is worth 10 percent being laughed at. And by the way, most of us CDers just starting out the front door feel more like it's 90 percent being laughed at, but it's not really.

Lovingly,

Bethany

[Christina Horton]

Hey....I'm 265 LBS and I don't pass (look at my pics and see. All you need to do is your best and go out. Dress your age and blend in and most people will not even SEE you. The ones that do and IF they say anything don't worrie what they say there not you. I just wrote a thread on this very thing here's the link http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=133974 read it and look at my pics and you will see that not all have to pass to be happy.

If you have any comments you can post them on my thread or PM me and I will help you as much as I can. Good Luck.


Here's what ya gotta do, Callie ... it's hard as hell but it's worth it.

Secondly, you need an attitude adjustment. You are a man in a dress! If someone crosses your path and has some kind of homophobic attitude, give them some sauce! Make them regret the day they dared to make fun of the guy wearing a dress... you could do it several ways. You can "gay it up" for lack of a better term; when someone calls you a homo, let them know by your attitude that you think that's OK; after all, it is. We're all just human beings, ya know? Gay or not.



That is the worst advice anyone can give. That can make the other person upset and that always is a bad thing. Don't do this , Be lady like and smile and walk away be nice and it will be better that way . If you want bad feelings or to get beat up or killed do as she said. Bad bad advice.

Sorry Bethany Marie That's my advice and MY opinion.

[Debb]

...
Sorry Bethany Marie That's my advice and MY opinion.

Nah, to each his/her own! I was going on the premise that acting lady-like wasn't going to work in the particular instance ... and I don't typically worry about physical altercations despite being a small guy.

I stand by my advice, if you're getting negative feedback sometimes it's necessary to give some back.

[SandraAbsent]

How many girls are self conscious about every little thing? Seriously I have seen more girls that have more issues than you and I would ever want to consider. My last GF at 5'1" and 100 pounds soaking wet, complained constantly that she was fat....for real? With that being said, it really doesn't matter. If you want to go out, just do it. If it makes you feel better go out in places and times that make you feel more comfortable. So much is said here about passing, but do any of us really pass if "read" by the right person?

My problem going out is not so much being read, but rather being outed to people I don't want to know. Outside of that I could care less if I look like a man in a dress.

[NicoleScott]

1. We are overly critical about our own looks.
2. I can take you to the mall and show you women that have a hard time passing as women.
3. Consider going where it's OK to be a CD. I don't pass well because of my preferred dressing and makeup style, so I have gone to a TG-friendly club where I could an obvious CD but not out of place.

[Christina Horton]

Nah, to each his/her own! I was going on the premise that acting lady-like wasn't going to work in the particular instance ... and I don't typically worry about physical altercations despite being a small guy.

I stand by my advice, if you're getting negative feedback sometimes it's necessary to give some back.

Well thank you for not taking it personal , You may not worrie about a confrontation but most of us don't want to have to worrie about it. When in drab I have no worries I can take care of myself but dressed , that another story.

It should not matter who picks on you but that you just brush it off and let them go on there way. If it comes down to a fist fight then I failed. But like I said that's me. If (when your in that Instance) if it is needed well thetas the persons chose so.......

[erika130]

I have the same thoughts as others here, never say never & don't underestimate what you can accomplish if you really put your mind to it. I've looked at some of my first pictures and the progress is really unbelievable even though I still have doubts. I'm not saying I pass now but I definitely did not back then & yet I used to think I'd never get better. But the pictures of then and today show a different story. You just gotta start somewhere! :)

[MsJanessa]

Darling, tell me, when you dress up, put on the silky underwear, the sexy skirt/top or dress, the beautiful wig, the heavy makeup, the stilleto heels and the perfume--do you feel femmine and sexy---what's that? Yes you do? Well then guess what---you are femmine and sexy

[sandra-leigh]

I was over that weight a year ago. People do read me... from a distance, in dim light, in seconds. Not just a "few" people, I mean I've found very few people who don't read me. So in that sense, I don't "pass". On the other hand, people routinely treat me as if dressing is the "right" thing for me. I get less hassle as a cross-dresser or publicly mixed-gender person than I used to get before I started dressing. Before I dressed, random people used to drive by and call me names as I walked or biked down the street; since I started dressing, that stopped. Yes, I get the occasional laugh from the beggars (everyone needs someone to look down upon, I guess), but far more people now include me in their conversations than before.

Dressing isn't all about looks: people can tell by my looks and obvious comfort and movement and mannerisms that I'm doing the right thing for me. If you can get to the point where you are comfortable in yourself, then people will know it and more people will treat you kindly than you would ever expect at this time.

[Loni]

i do not shop in fem. only in drab...so far.

i have only heard two people say anything. one was a lady telling her friend that I was wearing lady's pants (referring to the rear pockets) no harm no foul. (i was in the dress area of a big major store shopping for a dress)
the second just yesterday, two teenage girls and a mom in a shoe store. one girl said did you see that guy trying on the heels. again no harm no foul.

and some years back in SF of all places i was followed a very short way by some punks and there words. i was in drab with heeled boots "sick" looking i deserved some insults. i do much better now.

pick your places and keep a smile on your face helps a lot.

as now i am only semi out, i go to T friendly places....soon maybe to the mall???

.

[Jonianne]

.......I (probably) can never go out in public dressed. At least without ridicule......

I'm glad you said "probably" because that leaves the opening for a possibility. But it's more than a possibility to be able to go out. Don't let it hinge on whether someone may ridicule us. You can go out, passable or not and 90% of the time or more, without ridicule. Most people don't see or don't care and if they do, only look in passing. Like my wife said, maybe they are cd'ers themselves and that gives them hope to maybe go out sometimes themselves.

Unless you dress to draw attention, most people will fall into the first catagory, especially when you are able to get to the point of what Sandra said:


.....Dressing isn't all about looks: people can tell by my looks and obvious comfort and movement and mannerisms that I'm doing the right thing for me. If you can get to the point where you are comfortable in yourself, then people will know it and more people will treat you kindly than you would ever expect at this time.

:iagree: Let it settle into your spirit that you are indeed wearing what is right for you, and others will also feel that.

[Stephanie Anne]

It take time to learn how to be a woman. I still feel I don't pass at all but that doesn't stop me

[docrobbysherry]

There's really only 2 choices for CDs that can't pass like us:

1. Do the best u can with your fem look. Act and feel relaxed and confident. And, F anybody that gives u the fisheye!:Angry3:

2. Or, if U CAN'T feel relaxed and confident out dressed, like me, DON'T GO OUT!:brolleyes:

( Which keeps me feeling relaxed and confident!):D

[abigail43]

You can't be worrying about what others think of you . I know that people see me as a man in a dress I even had a trans gender person I met tell me that I needed a lot of work . N ow if I was to worry about what people think I would be a total hermit and would not be at all happy dressing yes I dress to please but its for me if others want to enjoy all well and good but it is all about me. and I love going shopping and to the malls. people will always be people and most are not interested in making drama. try going out and buying your new dress I think you may be surprised


I am in a rut. I love to dress. However, all the make up, wigs, etc, can not take away my hopelessly male figure. I am 215lbs, big round face, not even close to a nice feminine mouth or lips. If I were ever to attempt to dress in public, it would be very obvious I was a male TRYING to dress as a woman. No matter how hard I try.

In one way, I am discouraged. Because to me, this means I (probably) can never go out in public dressed. At least without ridicule and everything that goes with the homophobic/gay mind set many have with crossdressers.

Therefore, in another way. At least I live alone and if I want to dress, I can. In my own seclusion and not wonder if I pass or not. (I don't)
http:www.flickr.com/photo/Abigail79

[eluuzion]

We all have two choices in life. We can focus on the good things or focus on the bad things. There will always be plenty of both available. Life is short, which path sounds like the most fun?

People cannot make you feel inferior without your permission. (Eleanor Roosevelt).

I always wanted to be Superman since I was 5 years old. I am still convinced that I would not pull it off if I went out in public wearing a mask and body suit. But it does not prevent me from wearing a red cape at home...:love:...and ...frankly...I think I look pretty convincing...with the lights off...:love:

Cheer up, lower your expectations and rock on...:hugs:

[erickka]

Kill 'em with kindness, they won't even know what hit 'em! If you are defensive and confrontational with your attitudes and actions, you'll only invite much unwanted circumstances. After all, for every action, there is an equal re-action.

[victoriamwilliams1]

Callie, never say never, you can go to almost any store and find womens clothes that will fit your body. We are our worst critics. I see that you live on the east coast so if you really want to go out look for a service that will help with your image they will help with the right look as in what style will help hide the flaws. I hope you the best, and hope to see you out. Teresa

I agree! I believe at one point even I thought I was not "Passable" and after I got tired of thinking I was "a guy in a dress" and began seeing my inner woman then I studied women who are near my 6ft 8in height which they do exist and I began building my style and now even at my height I have not problems in public.

[ellenwannabe]

you would be surprised what losing a few pounds and having the right outfit can do for you and you can go out in public in certain places and feel you are out and not even have to directly deal with anyone - you have to have a comfort level you can live with - just enjoy it - Ellen

[AKAMichelle]

Quit letting you looks determine your going out the door. Do you want to spend the rest of your life locked away in the closet? So what they know you are a guy. It is still better to be a guy dressed out in public than to stay alone and locked in the closet.

I don't pass very well either. I have had people know that I was a guy everywhere I go, but I still go and have fun. I have never been treated badly and I suspect that you won't either. If you lived near me, I would drag you out of the house and let you know that the world is too busy to care how you look. So pretend that I am there beside you and go for a walk or a drive. Then go somewhere else.

[kelley789]

don't let it get you down. i'm sure you'll find a lot of friends to share with. you can always e-mail me if i can help

hugs,

kelley

[Schatten Lupus]

It is quite 'girly' to be worried about your appearance. It's a rarity to find a girl who doesn't worry about looking good. The pressure is piled on even higher when they percieve that other girls around them look better, and it's even worse when their SO is around. So doing that is very normal. It's even very normal to be worried when you are in a situation that will cause ridicule and harassment.
But looks are not all there is to passing. Honestly, how often have you seen a woman or man and had to take a second, third, or more looks to tell there gender? How many times were you just uncertain? Looks are not everything. The other part to passing is voice, walk, mannerism, posture, and behavior. If you don't quite fully look like a woman, but if you sound like a woman, carry yourself like a woman, and behave like a woman then your chances of passing will be much higher. Even if you look like a woman, but don't quite sound like one, and walk around like a man and act like one, then you probably aren't going to pass.

[Katesback]

Um as a transsesxual woman I had to face the world as a girl looking like a guy for some time. I SURVIVED. IF you want to be self defeating and sit around and postulate about the miserable failure you will be because that is the picture you paint then I suppose that is all you will ever be.

On the other hand I am VERY aware of some REALLY manly sized CDs and TSes that are totally ok in the REAL world and have overcome the fear that you have.

ONE THING TO NOTE HERE. YOU are the biggest roadblock to happiness. It is not society that is stopping you. The truth is that society could really care less what ya do!

Katie

[rufus rabbit]

I am in a rut. I love to dress. However, all the make up, wigs, etc, can not take away my hopelessly male figure. I am 215lbs, big round face, not even close to a nice feminine mouth or lips. If I were ever to attempt to dress in public, it would be very obvious I was a male TRYING to dress as a woman. No matter how hard I try.

In one way, I am discouraged. Because to me, this means I (probably) can never go out in public dressed. At least without ridicule and everything that goes with the homophobic/gay mind set many have with crossdressers.

Therefore, in another way. At least I live alone and if I want to dress, I can. In my own seclusion and not wonder if I pass or not. (I don't)

Hi there, well here is my take on it.. I am a 34 year old woman who has weight issues of her own i also haven't got a naturally soft sweet feminie nature or look in general. I get FAT comments and nasties as well, but i can assure you there are lots of shops that you can get very pretty clothes from. My SO is also on the larger side so we shop together.. I will say one thing though make sure what you do decide to wear fits well and people will look and think wow they look fantastic.. Even us larger people can make a look work if we smile and stand tall. I bet you're fabulous !!
I agree with the other comments about most people not noticing, but for the few that do.. Stand up proud and say hello world this is ME !!!! :hugs:

[Sarah Doepner]

I think the majority of us have been or are in your position. While a few of the girls here are beautiful and seem to be able to go anywhere and do anything without attracting "is that a guy" type attention, the rest can't. If I focused on the best of the best I'd never even put on lipstick because it wouldn't be as good as someone else. My goal is to do the best I can with what I have and get that girly feeling for myself.

When you feel you are doing as good as you can, get some feedback. You can do it here or, even better, find a local support group. That will give you a chance to be out of your little corner of the world and allow you to enjoy the company of some wonderful, non-judgemental (but honest) friends.

Don't be discouraged, just go for your personal best every time you dress. Best eyebrows, or best match of shoes and purse. It doesn't matter, but give yourself some positive reinforcement for practice. It will help.

[TiffanyTgirl]

There are lots of plus sized women out there andplus sized cd'rs too. Make up and appropriate dress is the key. Look like a plus sized girl and that's how you will be perceived. Dress in a way to short skirt and too tight top with a terrible wig and poor makeup and that is how you will be perceived

[kimdl93]

I think the key thing is to be happy with yourself, whether you dress at home or go out. Every girl on this site can empathize with your feelings...self doubts about your appearance etc. The fact is, as so many have stated, everyone of us worries about our appearance. And many of us, not including myself, have been able to rise above those apprehensions to go out enjoy life. Although you may not chose the same path, you can take encouragement from their examples and experiences.

[Kate Simmons]

Going out requires a goal and purpose. Without those going out is pretty moot. Figure out what you'd be trying to accomplish by going out first. The rest is academic as they say.:)

[msginaadoll]

My two cents... eliminate the word passing from your volcabulary. Just work at being comfortable with who you are. This involves more than just concentrating on your physical appearance, but also confidence issues. Passing there i used it is like chasing the roadrunner for most of us we will never catch it. Thats not to say that somethings like appearance and wardrobe can be worked on- the easy things. The harder things are how u feel about yourself and others. I think once I stopped worrying so much that I was a freak or curiousity being out, I was more at ease relaxed, and realized people treated me with respect. It also helps to have friends to support ya, give you advice and have your back!

[~Michelle~]

Dressing isn't all about looks: people can tell by my looks and obvious comfort and movement and mannerisms that I'm doing the right thing for me. If you can get to the point where you are comfortable in yourself, then people will know it and more people will treat you kindly than you would ever expect at this time.

Well said Sandra-Leigh ;)

[darla_g]

Darling, tell me, when you dress up, put on the silky underwear, the sexy skirt/top or dress, the beautiful wig, the heavy makeup, the stiletto heels and the perfume--do you feel feminine and sexy---what's that? Yes you do? Well then guess what---you are feminine and sexy
I thought this was just some terrific advice.

I always thought the idea of going out and having to pass was highly overrated.

[Lucy_Bella]

IMO, I think bigger passes better I am sorta thin and some what toned natural. ..I wouldn't pass due to that kind of build and at 6'2 with an obvious adams apple which is one of the first things that gets pointed out when the cover is blown...

[JaytoJillian]

my two cents... Eliminate the word passing from your volcabulary. Just work at being comfortable with who you are. It also helps to have friends to support ya, give you advice and have your back!



amen!

[Chickhe]

I believe it is possible for anyone to look decent. Just look at the CD before and after images. You would never guess... If you never try going out, you will never know, but if that doesn't work for you and you still want to go out, why not join a CDing club or something and do drag makeup or go to a transformation service... you can look the part even though people know you are dressed up and you can scrap the passing bit and still enjoy it.

[Joanne f]

If for now you feel like you do not wish to go out dressed in fear of ridicule have you thought about a more androgynous look which may give you the satisfaction of knowing that you are in female clothes but most people will not notice it .
I know it is not quite the same as wearing a dress or skirt but it does help to build up your confidence if that is what you would like in the end but as i always say going out has to be for you and not what others think you should do .

[Emily Belle]

I have the same thoughts as others here, never say never & don't underestimate what you can accomplish if you really put your mind to it. I've looked at some of my first pictures and the progress is really unbelievable even though I still have doubts. I'm not saying I pass now but I definitely did not back then & yet I used to think I'd never get better. But the pictures of then and today show a different story. You just gotta start somewhere! :)


Yes as with the other arts our technique improves
with practice. We learn what works and develop that into
our personna. Or one can just go out ambiguously and
let that be your own individual Style. :battingeyelashes: