transition reprecussions

[Teri Jean]

Today was like any other Monday when I got to work and within a half hour I was in a conversation that put me in a foul mood. I started my RLE and transition on the job last October. As one can expect there was some who were supportive and some who did not. :straightface: Today I had a chat with the friend whom had been there for my when my wife passed and I had considered a close friend only to find out he was conditional.

So the conversation turned to our mutual likes such as golf and four wheeling. He tells me that my transitioning has made him think he had wasted his time with me as now he cannot have the same friendship. After talking about how I'm still the same person as before but now he sees a side I kept hidden. He then tells me his other friends have turned against him because he knows me and we had been friends. :Angry3:

So now I'm the b--ch who ruined his social life? I think not! How does one's desire to be true to themselves end up ruining the lives of those they were close to? Did I commit a crime? No, all I have done is be true to myself.

Where does one go with this bit of information? How do you respond to the inference of this magnatude. :eek: I know he will want to talk some more but at this point it is worthless as he seems to be trying to drag me down.

Ranting is done for now. Teri :drink::drink::drink:

[Sharon]

Some "friends" were never really friends to begin with. :hugs:

I know it sucks, Teri, but at least you are aware who really cares about you and who doesn't. I had a few "friends" like that as well, but I have better ones now. :)

[Bernadina]

I wonder if his other friends have really said anything at all? And how would they even know unless he told them?

My personal opinion, release him as a friend.

If he's a true friend he'll come back and support you no matter what.

If not I'm sure there will be others who will become new friends.

[CharleneT]

I've been noticing that at first people tend toward very accepting. Then, after a while, when they realize you aren't just in some weird phase, they go thru other reactions. Often opposite of the original. Later even so, some will come back around to the begining (acceptance). Maybe your friend is just struggling with that. We do, in a way, cause our close friends and family to "transition" their own beliefs. That can be jarring for them. I think it is hard to tell about your bud, maybe he is just trying to work thru it, or, as Sharon said, not a true friend. To be a friend really means to take a person thru thick and thin. Not a "marriage" but it has its similarities. Hence why it turns out that true friends are hard to find. I hope your situation works out ;)

:hugs:

Charlene

[Lorileah]

That, my friend, is not a friend.

But you have the ability to save the friendship or try if you want to. I don't think it can be saved but a true friend might try

[Teresa Ann]

Teri, I am not a expert but if he is a true friend give him some time to adjust, friends need to go thru a change the same as we do. We have had more time to adjust we have been giving this livestyle years of thought. Teri I hope things turn out ok, Don't let it get you down. Teresa

[Huntress]

You actually are guilty of a Class 7 Miss-Demeanour.

S7,A6b,s2: Making a friend with someone who did not appear to be an IDIOT at the time.

I've called the Attorney General's office. Someone will be out to cuff you shortly.

[Andy66]

Aw, sorry to hear that, Teri. Hopefully the guy is just adjusting and will come to his senses. I guess time will tell. :sad:

[Stephanie Anne]

You know what? That's his problem for having transphobic friends. I bet they could not answer why they are such jerks.

And why would anyone stop being a friend with another person because of who they know? What kind of backwoods town do you live in?

[Jennifer in CO]

Teri,
as has been said by so many so many times before, when I transitioned, I lost friends that I thought would be by me till the end...and some I thought would duck and run at the first sight of me?...became my greatest supporters. Heck, one even beat the crap out of one of my "friends" who was running me down to some people I didn't even know. The beatee?...my best man in our wedding. The beater?...my sister's ex... redneck...AND a Marine. Would have never figured him to be one of my supporters. Come to think of it, as I write this, it makes me start thinking. Almost every time I was in a pickle or someone was running me down, he was always around to either defend me or just help out. Just like a Marine...you never see them till you need them or they take care of you before you know you need caring for....Semper Fi

Jenn

[abigailf]

I know he will want to talk some more but at this point it is worthless as he seems to be trying to drag me down.


Why do you say you know he will want to talk some more? If that is the case, then maybe he still wants to be a friend, but does not know how to handle it. As long as the communication lines are open, there is an opportunity to save the friendship.

You need to decide if the friendship is something you want to try and save.

[ReineD]

I know he will want to talk some more but at this point it is worthless as he seems to be trying to drag me down.

I'm with Abigail on this. Did he call you a b*tch or are these your own words? I tend to give people the benefit of doubt so I'm sensing that he is just processing his feelings. It might have been best for him to work through them on his own since your own plate is quite full with the transition. But, some people just need to say things out loud when they are working through them. I would have picked a better term than "wasting time" to describe an acknowledgment that it is difficult to transition from having a friendship with a guy to beginning a platonic friendship with a girl.

Remember that you've had many years to sort through all your feelings and other people's reactions and as your friend, he also is facing some conflicts. He could well be picking up other people's negative attitudes and this is causing him some pain since he likes you. He might also have never had a guy-like friendship with a girl and he may have no clue how to go about it. If he does want to talk again, I hope you will be there to help him work through his acceptance issues. If he wishes to terminate the friendship entirely, I don't blame you for feeling sad and frustrated. But maybe this is not his intention at all?

[Sheila]

Teri firstly :hugs: and my thoughts on reading your post was the same as some of the others, he is struggling to accept not so much you but that he never knew you as he thought he did, it is similar to what a lot of GG's feel when we first find out, some accept immediately then later on struggle for whatever reasons, perhaps he feels a fool (and nobody likes to feel that way), that he did not know you as he thought he did, it may have made him question himself and how he views not just you but his other close relationships in his life :sad:, so in there comes the other friends bit, they may be questioning him as to why he did not tell them and may not believe he did not know, so putting strains on those friendships and appearing to ruin his social life in a roundabout way:sad:

Hard as it is to accept, he is right your friendship will never be the same again, it may recover from this or it may not, but however it goes it will have changed it forever ........ I mean for a start you will have to play off the ladies Tee's and he may feel that gives you an unfair advantage :heehee: (sorry trying to lighten the mood there & my Ex was a keen golfer so I know how serious the game is/can be taken:straightface:)

You are strong, you knew this would not be an easy road to follow, right now I know you are hurting, bewildered and confused, but you will come through this with a few more lessons learned and hopefully with your friendship not only still in place, but stronger even if altered :hugs:

[MAJESTYK]

Of course you have done this person a terrible wrong for not consulting them before you decided to become you. This is unacceptable and you should IMMEDIATELY transition back to what you were for upsetting his social life.....
True friends face many tests when we decide to tell and show them our true selves. No friendships go unchanged , even the very good ones. It is unfortnate that he doesnt seem to have the moxie to be a true friend to you. If he could be less concerned about what others think of him, he will be back but, if not then he will have to be one of the costs of being "us". Somtimes it can be hard. Maybe he will come around.....

[Kaitlyn Michele]

THis is a asticky topic because transitioning makes us very vulnerable...its a simple fact that is someone thay you knew for 10,20,30 yrs tells you they are female, its a big surprise and we should be steeled for any and all responses..

if he called you a bit$$ or any name for that matter, that seems like a permanent offense...but his anger and confusion could be looked at like we look at our own feelings prior to accepting ourselves...its hard!

that all being said, its unfortunate he feels that way and the unfair truth is you either get to take it and act like its ok, work extra hard to keep the friendship (even tho it seems hopeless right now) or move on...it doesnt feel good:hugs:

[Nicole Erin]

Tell him to stuff it. :Angry3: You don't owe him an explanation, apology, nothing, just cut him in the clear.

Some people seem so ashamed to have TG people as friends, believe me, I have been thru it. "Make sure you dress manly, someone is coming over who won't understand, etc..."

The sad thing about being TS - unless you go "stealth" and pass real well, this whole TG thing is gonna be a constant issue.

Sadly, it is best to keep people at arm's length. They might not have a problem with a TS woman, but as soon as the threat of someone else finding out, then all the sudden they are ashamed. Having real friends isn't much of an option once someone travels the road of transition, it is a lonely life for sure.

People come and go in life. You meet, get to know them, have a few laughs, share each other's pain, help each other, but someday, you go your separate ways.

Real friendships are very rare, I imagine most people have never experienced it. Most people just don't give a crap. Why do you think people get on sites like CL "looking for someone to hang out with"

In this world, all you really have is yourself, and if you so believe in a higher power.

[carolinoakland]

When I sat down to really 'consider' transition I knew that I had to be prepared for the worst. The loss of my child, my family, my job, my housing. And be prepared for the emotional confrontation to the news. But some were more subtle. I shrug my shoulders and move on...I will live the life I've always wanted.

[Traci Elizabeth]

Teri, let me play "devil's advocate" here.

First you did not state if he was married or not (it does make a difference). Nor did you state if you had an outside of work friendship (i.e. golf & 4wheeling) with him (again makes a difference). Was he a friend strictly from a working environment?

Perhaps we ought to define a "true" friend as well. In my opinion, a true friend is developed over a long period of time. There almost always is a level of love for each other (normally platonic but love nevertheless). And one does a lot of different things with such a friend. Was your friendship really like this?

Another thought: it is hard for parents, siblings, adult children, grand-parents, and other family members who love you to accept transition in many many cases. So why should we think that a "friend" would have an easier time with it?

After all this is not new to you but is new to everyone else. Coming out at work in October is still new to folks.

Plus the realities of a work environment are politics, career progression and advancement, and aligning one's self with a network of mentors who can assist in one's future.

If your friendship was basically work related, for that fact alone (meaning last sentence) I would not be too hard on him. His livelihood my depend on this job and who he aligns himself with (sad but reality - and actually savvy for anyone who wants to succeed and provide for their families and retirement).

If you were wanting an outside friendship with him and he is married, by your transition, you have more than likely made that an impossibility. How many wives are going to be OK with their husbands having a "true" friendship with a female (no matter from whence you came)?

Saying, Oh well, I was a guy once does not cut it, period! You are NOT a guy now. Nor should you expect to have the same "guy" relationship with any other "guy" friends you had. Come on, you are no longer "one of the boys." You gave that up!

My points are just to share another side of things and hopefully not have you dwell on whatever the outcome will be in the end.

You want his understanding. Grant him his. And if he feels he can't be your friend anymore, let him go gently.

Some day it may rekindle but even if not, why burn any bridges?

One final old sage advice to you or anyone else reading this is to "Never, dip you pen in the company ink well" or vice versa in your and our case. This also applies to even being friends outside of the work environment.

Sure sometimes it can work, but more often than not it does not and you still ave to work with the guy. So why even take the risk? :2c:

[Karen564]

I'm sorry Teri, I know it's a sh*tty deal..I wish it was different, but that's people for ya..their only human..
It's not really entirely his fault, it's just that he's weak & giving in to peer pressure...so he had to make a decission....., either loose one friend or loose many.., so he chose to lose the one & keep the many..., unfortunately for him, he may be loosing the best friend he ever could have..and the many he kept may dump him anyway regardless..
I've had many friends over the years, and lost many, usually with no explanation what so ever, more often than not, it seems like we just loose touch after a while...
I lost my best friend of 30 years for no reason or fault of mine, it happened after he got remarried.... yes I was hurt, but in time, I accepted it, and from that point on, I try not to let anyone get so close that it will break my heart again...of course it may still hurt me for a while after loosing any friendship, but I do get over it..because I know in my heart, I did nothing wrong, nor did they really....and so we both move on..
Personally, I feel uncomfortable around friends that knew me as man prior to transition...I don't know what it is, or why, but it's just the way it is....and I'm pretty sure they feel the same way...
But do feel very comfortable around people who've only known me as Karen, and believe they feel likewise..just less awkward for everyone..

Anyway, as far as him dropping you as a friend will be more his loss than yours..and you will make another friend...and hopefully a better friend at that..

:hugs:

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I don't want to step on teri's thread but i think this is relevant

some of us transition on the job, i'm guessing most of us move on...

i have tons of support, and ALL my friends are staying friends...now that i'm really in the next stage of transition, and frankly, i'm finding that carrying all those friendships is baggage..

its good baggage in the sense that i feel liked and loved, my friends and I have enjoyed good times...but it holds me back as a woman!!!...

one big way is my voice...i have a very soft voice...i have a very "rangy" voice...and i'm not outed by my voice....i can very easily go in and out and i find that because most of my time is with family and old friends, that i stick to a deeper richer voice...talking like kaitlyn is 2nd nature, but i still drift all over the place...this is not what i want...its starting to bug me...and i'm sorry i just can't talk "kaitlyn style" with my old drinking buddies that i still see often...

that's just one easy to understand thing...
emotionally too i find myself leaning on crutches i developed over many years...its the same group of people, and altho i'm more feminine, its not like they look at me as female...

"gosh dude, you havent changed that much!!" is not a compliment!!

i've made a couple of female friends and i'm finding it very rewarding...i get good feedback, and it feels nice,...
in my case, i'm starting my job search and i am confident that i will create a whole new dynamic as Kaitlyn that will help me cross the line between old and new..so i'm still taking it slow simply because i can...

in your case Teri, it may be for the best that you start to really focus on those lifetime "go to" people that are supporting you, and allow the others to drift away...alot of the girls here are pointing you in that direction...that seems like a reasonable outcome and one that you may benefit from...

anyway...i'm enjoying this thread and its been helpful in my thinking about my own next steps to grow as a woman, and not just as a transsexual

[Gerrijerry]

wouldn't the world be great if everyone simply accepted everyone.
The truth to me is that when you transition no matter what you think you are not the same person.
You are no longer worried because you accepted yourself. You transitioned not your friends. You became who you had to become, wonderful but they didn't become your friend as a female. They became your friend as a male. Just like when a person who is married finds the wife wishes them well but leaves.
Even when they say they accept you. Presure from others on your friends makes some people feel that they would have to go thru what you went thru to be your friend. That is a lot of presure. Kids stuff for sure, bias true call it what you like. but not everyone can or wants to handle it. Just move on if the person can handle it they will return if they can't then give then the benefit of your understanding.
Making new friends will happen but they will be friends with you as the person you are now not before.

[Traci Elizabeth]

...thinking about my own next steps to grow as a woman, and not just as a transsexual


That's an excellent point we easily forget! Growing as a "woman."

That's funny you should say that because in the short time I have been on this site, some folks have said "goodbye" to us because they wanted to move on with being a woman and not dwelling on being trans. At first, I did not understand this, but I am beginning too not only here but within myself as well. I am looking forward to the day I too exert very few thoughts about being trans and far more about being just a "woman."

Sorry, for going astray to the original thread....I't ALL Kaitlyn's fault! :eek::eek:

[Karen564]

That's an excellent point we easily forget! Growing as a "woman."

That's funny you should say that because in the short time I have been on this site, some folks have said "goodbye" to us because they wanted to move on with being a woman and not dwelling on being trans. At first, I did not understand this, but I am beginning too not only here but within myself as well. I am looking forward to the day I too exert very few thoughts about being trans and far more about being just a "woman."

Sorry, for going astray to the original thread....I't ALL Kaitlyn's fault! :eek::eek:


Does this site make me any less of a woman by being here then?

So you think it's best I move on & say See Ya...?

[Traci Elizabeth]

Does this site make me any less of a woman by being here then?

So you think it's best I move on & say See Ya...?

I was wondering how long it would take you to get the "hint?" Move on out girl! :D:D

:love::love::love:

[EnglishRose]

Does this site make me any less of a woman by being here then?

So you think it's best I move on & say See Ya...?

Yes, because your experience matters naught, you don't inspire me and others, etc. etc.

;)

Scratch that. If you can stand to, stay, stay, please!

[Karen564]

Are you kidding, I love this place And they let me vent....lol:heehee:

But maybe I should find another site to do that, just gotta figure out which one ....:wave:

[Traci Elizabeth]

Are you kidding, I love this place And they let me vent....lol:heehee:

But maybe I should find another site to do that, just gotta figure out which one ....:wave:


Let me know if you find a good one. That way I can continue to give you "special treatment!" :tongueout

[Teri Jean]

Girls there is a lot of good advise from so many wonderful ladies. Thank you all. Now I know I was venting some, okay a lot, but the matter is some people have all the backbone in the world but no b*lls. In this case he is a strong person until this came along and now I'm seeing a different side just as he did when I transitioned.

He never called me a B**ch but the implication was there. The thing that makes me crazy is his wife was also a close friend or so I thought. We all carry baggage and some are people we associate with. So how has the past few days been between us here at work? I do not see him and he does the same. To bad because my life is moving on. Appearently without the two of them.

Hugs to you all and thank you for listening.

Teri

[boardpuppy]

Karen,
Advice from older girls is invaluable, maybe we won't make the same mistakes and our transission won't be a turmoil (well not as much anyhow), so with all due respect, don't go.....we all have something we can add to the mix to help each and everyone of us over or through the trouble we are in at any given time.
Teri Jean,
Take it one day at a time. A true friend is someone who comes back even after you have made a s*t load of mistakes (only from his point of view)....He is under peer pressure know but when that is over his true feeing will show and then and only then will you know how he really feels. This is not a short term outlook but over the long, a oh so very long term.

I just reread this and the thread and hope you understand and find a few good curnals of information in it that will help at this time.

Hugs,
Alice