How to handle explaining being Ts to folks?

[Nicole Erin]

Here is the dilemma -
At school, they have seen me made up, dressed, etc...

Yet, still get called "sir" and all that crap.
When I started, I had not really pushed being "Erin".

Granted, as annoying as it is, they know me by my male name and I have never really explained my intent on transitioning. A couple know my femme name, just a couple.

So in this kind of situation, is it good to explain things to people or just leave it be?

I have not known any of them more than 8 months, most even less.
This is not so much about "coming out" cold like some do. I would not be nervous about explaining my situation, I mean come on, they have seen "Erin" plenty.

Another problem is like when I have clients, besides seeing "his" name on my tag (male name is in no way feminine), it just gets annoying like when my friend I work with a lot (who is quick to help with my transition) has a habit of calling me "him". "he is really good at this, he knows this or that..." like as I service a client. It is just like for every person she says these things around, it is like one less person out there who would take me serious.

I guess the ideal would be to start a new job/school/whatever as the new gender role but if transitioning during, what is the best approach? I mean what do you say? How would you get people to take you serious?
"Excuse me folks, I am becoming a woman and wish to be called "Erin".

I don't know, sounds silly and plus, what about the smart asses who object "but you don't have a vagina, but you are not a "real" woman, maybe you are just gay and don't know it..."


I am just constantly getting more and more bitter about this, but what can I really say? I have been snapping at people lately a lot more.

[Traci Elizabeth]

Just wear the clothes, make-up, etc. you are comfortable with, speak in your feminine voice if you even want anyone to take you serious. Then when they give you a guy reference just "smile." And more on.

The more you transition the more things will change and you will get to the point, that you know who you are and could care less about what others think as it relates to them accepting you or not as a woman.

[CharleneT]

.... hmm... good but hard question...

How are you presenting most of the time ? If it is female and obviously so, then asking people to call you by your feminine name and try and watch pronouns etc... is fine. But with folks other than your friends, you are going to have to be patient. It takes a while before you adopt enough "feminine manners" to have the average person "read female". It is more than name and clothes. As well, yes, you'll end up having to explain it to some. Please remember that when you tell a couple of people, at some point you'll hit the magic gossip and the rest of your world will know soon. Just how this tends to go.


Now, if you go back and forth, or just occasionally "female" in presentation then you're just confusing them.

The thing about the name tag at work, it is giving people a very strong clue in the male direction. I think it is hard to fault them for not going that way. Especially if you appear mostly male (in clothes etc). Same with your co-worker, depending on how you present she/he needs to make a choice that is likely to match what the clients are seeing. That's just good business. Work situations can be hard, as you are representing your employer.

In many cases it is easier to switch jobs or locations for transition, simply because people do not know you and so their first impression can be built on. This versus a situation where folks have determined you're male -- but maybe with some very feminine traits. Please keep in mind the average person has little if any knowledge of variant gender presentation !

[Nicole Erin]

yeah it is actually at school but I guess work related could be the same thing.

[Sheila]

Erin could you not get some help through student services to draft an announcement to be placed in certain student areas that you feel will most benifit you, and for those whom you work closely with and tutors a letter, both saying that from this date !!/!!/2010 you wish to be addressed as Erin & from that date you will no longer answer to the him name, you can explain as much or as little as you want in your announcement letter

[Angel.Marie76]

All I can say right off the bat is Ugh.. and this is something that will have to be worked on for some time.

I want to preface this with the understanding that I do not know if you are presenting F/T as Erin everywhere or P/T anywhere.

Charlene had plenty of good points, as transition is a lot of give and take all around you. You GIVE a new presentation, and it's up to them to TAKE it or leave it. Realistically though, presenting in a gender variant role for a time is a rough scenario in many respects, however it can be done, given the support of everything around you. I have found that, the more that people around you understand your situation, the more that they're likely to accommodate you as you (I presume) work through transition.

I don't want to ramble on about my own experiences of what I feel is more of a gender fluid role right now, as I've probably done so elsewhere. Suffice to say though, if you're serious about maintaining your female presentation, and working to present as Erin full time, then you will need to work to stabilize your appearance in front of particular sets of people, minimally. For example, IF you're presenting as Erin nearly all the time out of work / school, then keep that up. IF you're Erin at school, or you want to be addressed as so in school, then again as Charlene noted you need to maintain that presence in that environment consistently. Work is an entirely separate kettle of fish that must be stirred carefully and with great finesse. Depending on your employer's take on your transition, you might be able to get away with more of a fluid (or as I call blended) presentation based on however you must dress for your job. (Things like getting an updated name tag with Erin on it would be a start if you're already F/T at work) To me, for employment reasons, it seems to make sense to be cut and dry about a transition date; Business like clear rules and boundaries. But either way, being clear, appropriate, and to the point like Sheila noted about a letter to folks, is the best method I feel if you're going to garner the respect you desire.

In the end, there should be no argument about what presentation you would prefer, and in most situations you need to maintain that presentation either part time or right to full time, to suit the environment.

I happened to stumble over the Chole Prince story (ABC via Youtube) the other day, and even though I believe I've heard the statement before, it brought a fairly firm realization into my mind: 'When you transition, everyone else transitions with you.' So, if people choose not to transition with you, you either tolerate it, or move on.

Best wishes!

[Karen564]

Hmmm, I guess for starters, I'd get that name tag of yours changed...
Legal name change would be even better...

[Karan49]

How about going to your teacher/supervisor and requesting a new name tag with "ERIN" and asking your teacher to have your co-workers address you as "ERIN" and use the pronouns she and her rather than he and him as these terms are hurtful to you and further their efforts to do so are appreciated. In most corporate environments this is the manner in which transition is handled. If your teacher resists or refuses this request then I would suggest you go to her or his supervisor and file a complaint.

Karan

[Hope]

I think if only a few folks know your femme name, you can't be too upset when folks don't regularly use it. If most folks don't know that you intend to transition, you can't be too upset if people don't refer to you with feminine pronouns. They may just assume you are effeminate, or confused, or - who knows what. You can't assume people know things.

I would also wonder how consistently you present yourself "en femme." If it is only part of the time, or not that often, you are just confusing people and they are going to fall back to what they know. This is true with work / school / everything else.

You are going to have to come out... while you may feel open and "out" and like you are not hiding (which is great) - it sounds like others simply don't know. How you handle that is up to you, but it sounds like a great excuse to throw a party.

[Empress Lainie]

For what it is worth, I simply told everyone that I was going to live as a woman the rest of my life,and my name is Lainie.

Only one person at work said she would not call me that unless I had it changed legally, so I told her to consider it a nickname an d she was fine with that.

And I did change it legally as soon as I could, and also fortunately got my F on my ID. That is one F that I was happy to have.

(YES, a tranny hater ordered them to fire me so I was unemployed for over 2 years.)