wow.. lots have changed for me

[JamieOH]

Since i last posted, i quit dressing for a bit, but the hunger got strong. i also have suspicions i may be ts, as i have really been soul searching. i can remember things now from a very early age, wearing my sisters nightgown and thinking, this is me.. i am a her, not a him.. i know i told my parents that once but was scolded for it, so never tried that again.. but i cant stop thinking about it now.. i cry allot. and know i am not alone, but yet i am. i am too poor to afford counseling, and not sure i could find time. and as said before wife dont want to hear it.. akk.. i feel sick.

[AKAMichelle]

You had better find a way to get some help. Maybe you should tell us where you live in the country so people on this forum can help you find resources nearby.

[JamieOH]

I live in Columbus Ohio.. I am so tired of hiding and feeling so bad.. at the same time I am scared to death of not hiding.. I went out to the grocery store one time, dressed, with makeup, and my natural hair was long enough and easily teased into a feminine hair style.. Now though, I have ct my hair extremely short, as I had quit dressing, and grew a beard, I shaved the beard but kept the stache, one of the rules my wife has is I have to keep my mustache.. sigh

I so want to go out shopping for clothes dressed, and want to know what it's like to feel feminine and free to be who I am.. but I can't get there, I am scared to bring it up with my wife again, because I know she will just flip out on me.. She is battling allot of health issues, and has been depressed because of her health, and her weight.. So, if I bring this up agian, it will just fuel the fires she is fighting..

I know that deep down, I have always felt this need to be feminine, and I had tried dressing up with a previous girlfriend, and being intimate, I know I enjoyed it immensely, I know that I am not really into men, I have thought long and hard about that. And though I know that if I do go full out transition, that I may change my mind on that.. Hormones have a funny way of changing perceptions.. That also scares the h e double toothpicks outta me.. What is going on in my mind? Am I just having one of those omg moments because I'm turning 40 in less than a month? I dont know.. but I do know I enjoy being feminine, and wearing feminine clothes, lace is my kryptonite, I fall so head over heels over lace..

I know I need to talk to someone, but I dont know where to begin, or how to afford it. Counseling isn't cheap, and I am on call 24/7, and work hours that arent dependable enough to make appointments.. My dentist has been great, and works around my schedule, I dont go to doctors unless I CANT go to work.. not even checkups.. I know my body well enough on THAT part at least.. But I know that I have always felt wrong, and that I have tried to deny it, and ignore it, and it worked for almost 40 years.. sort of.. hehe.. I dont know..Sometimes I wish I could just curl up and go to sleep and never wake up.. would make this so much easier.. But, I'm a dad too, and he is 13, he needs everything to be stable and as it is while he battles the puberty demons that HE'S battling right now.. This would be too confusing for him at this time..

I dont know what to do.. I guess I'm just needing to tell someone, and that is why I knew I could come here.. You all are always great for listening, and encouraging, but this there is no encouraging words for, so, if you could all just say some prayers to the deity of your choice for me, I am sure I'll make it through this somehow.. someway.. but one day, I hop to be able to dress according to how I feel, not like society says I should..

[linnea]

I agree with Michelle: you need to find some support and help. There are resources; I hope that some of the girls here can give you some suggestions for finding that support in your area.
You are not alone.

[suzy]

Hi Jamie,

I love your avatar pic! Tha is sooooo cute!

You have come to the right place to talk given your circumstances. It would be 100 times better if you could see a counselor, and you will I'm sure, but in the mean time you've come to the right place.

There are many of people here that can identify with your predicament and are empathetic so keep chatting with us..ok.

I know things can really get confusing but it'll get better! I recommend that you write down your feelings and them prioritize them. How do you eat an elephant??? One bite at a time! Take it easy and take one bite, (chew slowly) and make a lot of little successes towards your goal!

Don't worry too much about it because....believe me...things will get much better! Time is on your side!

Hugs to you! I will be praying for you!

:love:

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Jamie

You need to seek professional advice. Its one thing saying you only go to the doctor when you cant go to work.

You need to make time or you could find things getting worse, then you will need more time off

[AlisonRenee]

Jamie,

I know how you feel, especially about your son. I'm also pretty sure that I'm TS, the roots are deep. It's a balancing act. You invest so much in your male identity and that touches everyone in your life. For me I've concluded (I think) that going much further than I am has the potential for more collateral damage than I'm willing to cause. My role as a parent is the single largest reason, and I think I'm way too committed to that to drop this bomb on them. If I'd had the courage to confront this thirty or more years ago, it might have turned out much differently... but that raises a lot of other questions. I'm really glad that I have my kids, you know?

I wouldn't pretend to have the smarts to advise you - I can't even advise myself. I am reaching the conclusion that knowing who I am on the inside, and coming to terms (and peace) with that might be okay. But that's me.

as others have suggested, there's nothing to lose by discussing this with a qualified counselor.