Inquiring Minds Want To Know/ week 10

[Di]

Week ten questions from our GG's Thanks to all for your time.:hugs:

Week 10
This is for the CDers who have told, or are considering telling their partners well into the relationship:

28) When you eventually tell her, is it because you no longer want to live a lie, or is it because you are seeking to explore your femme side more than you can when you keep it under wraps?

29) When you do tell your partner, how open are you to having her establish some boundaries, and do you have boundaries of your own that you would like to establish?

30) How long do you deem an acceptable time for her to wrap her head around this new dimension in your relationship & be comfortable with it?

[linnea]

This is for the CDers who have told, or are considering telling their partners well into the relationship:

28) When you eventually tell her, is it because you no longer want to live a lie, or is it because you are seeking to explore your femme side more than you can when you keep it under wraps?Both. After 50+ years of total secrecy, I told my grown children (last summer) and my wife (last February). I was very tired of living the lie; I hated the sneaking around. I hated avoiding topics that I feared would reveal my inclinations. I also wanted to, and have, explore my femme side more than I could do while maintaining a secret. I least that's what I thought. My children, especially my daughter, have been great; my wife is still pretty hesitant; a couple of my very good friends have been terrific.

29) When you do tell your partner, how open are you to having her establish some boundaries, and do you have boundaries of your own that you would like to establish? I'm fine with working out some boundaries, and actually we have begun to do a little of that. For the time being, I don't dress around her and she knows that I will continue to be active as a CD.

30) How long do you deem an acceptable time for her to wrap her head around this new dimension in your relationship & be comfortable with it?
If we continue to make progress, I think that a year will be enough time; after that I would expect to have matters pretty well in hand. During that time, if she expresses a particular area that we need to work out or work on, I could see there being a need for more time. Also, if she is willing to go to therapy with me, that might change the time frame. It may be that all matters aren't totally worked out but that we continue to grow together which means there is the potential for change. I'd be open to that.

[~Michelle~]

28) When you eventually tell her, is it because you no longer want to live a lie, or is it because you are seeking to explore your femme side more than you can when you keep it under wraps?

That's a good question and I would love to read the, hopefully honest, answers to that. As for me; I can't answer that question, since I told my wife everything long before I married her, because for me personally a marriage is no marriage without honesty.

[PretzelGirl]

28) When you eventually tell her, is it because you no longer want to live a lie, or is it because you are seeking to explore your femme side more than you can when you keep it under wraps?

My dressing evolved right in front of my wife. So no real telling here.

29) When you do tell your partner, how open are you to having her establish some boundaries, and do you have boundaries of your own that you would like to establish?

Absolutely she should be able to establish some boundaries. There is a lot to process with the way we are. Boundaries provide a blanket of safety which allow for the time needed for the SO to work though it. Even when the SO has had the time needed to process things, it sets the level of comfort that they have achieved. I haven't needed any boundaries, but I am all for them if needed. Boundaries are a great way of establishing comfort within a relationship.

30) How long do you deem an acceptable time for her to wrap her head around this new dimension in your relationship & be comfortable with it?

That is tough to say if you aren't needing to wait as long as you say you are willing. My wife was very accepting early. I feel that I would wait as long as it takes for acceptance. Now if I really had to wait, would I have had that patience? Hard to say in reality.

[juno]

28) It is best to be open from the beginning. She will likely find out, some day. Then, even if she accepts CDing, there's all the lies to deal with. For someone who does keep it secret, it is likely due to being tired of lying. They are keeping it secret because they are afraid their S.O. will not tolerate it, so they probably don't think openly exploring femininity will be an option.

29) Good relationships need compromise. For most CDers, I think the big issue is being accepted as "normal". My wife is very accepting, but does not want other people to know. I would rather be more open, but respect her wishes.

30) I think "never" is reasonable. I don't think my wife will ever be completely comfortable with the idea, even though she is learning to enjoy helping with makeup.

[AKAMichelle]

28) When you eventually tell her, is it because you no longer want to live a lie, or is it because you are seeking to explore your femme side more than you can when you keep it under wraps?

I told my wife because I was tired of living the lie. It was destroying our marriage because honesty and trust was missing.


29) When you do tell your partner, how open are you to having her establish some boundaries, and do you have boundaries of your own that you would like to establish?

I was willing to work within boundaries but none appeared. The boundaries that i got were no cd'ing <PERIOD>


30) How long do you deem an acceptable time for her to wrap her head around this new dimension in your relationship & be comfortable with it?

I ended up giving her 2.5 years. The marriage eventually ended but not because of the cd'ing.

[linnea]

My first marriage lasted 29 years and created three children: none of them ever knew that I was a crossdresser.

[sandra-leigh]

28) I very seldom lied; I did, however, misdirect or use "creative omissions" (e.g., "I went to the mall and I bought some milk while I was there" -- entirely true, but I primary went to shop for dresses). I got completely disgusted with all that.

29) Boundaries were understandable and acceptable. If, however, the boundaries had been too strict or not open to change with time, then it is not certain that the relationship would have lasted.

30) I did not create a time-line, then or now -- but I also do not have infinite patience.

[JulieK1980]

28) When you eventually tell her, is it because you no longer want to live a lie, or is it because you are seeking to explore your femme side more than you can when you keep it under wraps?

Not applicable to me.

29) When you do tell your partner, how open are you to having her establish some boundaries, and do you have boundaries of your own that you would like to establish?

I'm open to anything in my marriage, everything about being married requires some compromise. But that of course goes both ways. ;)

30) How long do you deem an acceptable time for her to wrap her head around this new dimension in your relationship & be comfortable with it?

As long as she needs. I don't feel that is the sort of thing you can rush and put a time limit on.

[minalost]

28) When you eventually tell her, is it because you no longer want to live a lie, or is it because you are seeking to explore your femme side more than you can when you keep it under wraps?

Tell her? She found out the hard way... wasn't pretty!

29) When you do tell your partner, how open are you to having her establish some boundaries, and do you have boundaries of your own that you would like to establish?

This is the art of compromise and it enters into ALL facets of any relationship. Sure, I expect she has boundries, and so do I. It's just a matter of working them out.

30) How long do you deem an acceptable time for her to wrap her head around this new dimension in your relationship & be comfortable with it?

Hmmmm. Considering I'm the classic "married for 15 years before she finds out" CDer, I don't think it's reasonable (in my situation) to try and place ANY sort of expectation on the amount of time this will take. So far it's 10+ years and counting. Could NEVER happen.
:hugs:

[Tina B.]

Week 10

28) When you eventually tell her, is it because you no longer want to live a lie, or is it because you are seeking to explore your femme side more than you can when you keep it under wraps?Five years into our marriage, the need to dress came back to me. At that time I knew this was never going away for me, and I was not willing to spend the rest of my days living a lie.

29) When you do tell your partner, how open are you to having her establish some boundaries, and do you have boundaries of your own that you would like to establish? No I am never open to anyone setting boundaries for me, but very willing for US to set some boundaries.

30) How long do you deem an acceptable time for her to wrap her head around this new dimension in your relationship & be comfortable with it?I was lucky, and she excepted it right off, so no time was needed, but I think I could have waited a long time as long as I thought we where making headway. But I came out to her, and was going to dress no matter what. I knew we didn't stand a chance of making it if I didn't find a way to take the pressure off myself.
Tina B.

[SuzanneBender]

28) When you eventually tell her, is it because you no longer want to live a lie, or is it because you are seeking to explore your femme side more than you can when you keep it under wraps? I didn't want to live the lie anymore. It was eating me up inside and really impacting my behavior and the impact that I was having on everyone in my family.

29) When you do tell your partner, how open are you to having her establish some boundaries, and do you have boundaries of your own that you would like to establish? We have had very open and frank conversations about boundaries. Her feeling comfortable with this is very important to me and boundaries that work for both of us are key to making both of us feel comfortable with a new normal.


30) How long do you deem an acceptable time for her to wrap her head around this new dimension in your relationship & be comfortable with it? Ummmm lets see. I used a scientific formula to come up with this. I told her 42 days after the beginning of the fall equinox and it was 2 years short of a leap year so if you take the sum total of those days divided by the square root of our anniversary and multiple it by the number of children we have the answer is....AS LONG AS SHE WANTS. My wife didn't sign on for this and I lied to her about it for years. Everyday she battles through distrust cause by deceit and the confusion caused by something that I have lived all my life with and still don't understand. Every small gesture of acceptance is a gift of love that only a woman like her could muster after all she has been through.

[Jaydee]

28) When you eventually tell her, is it because you no longer want to live a lie, or is it because you are seeking to explore your femme side more than you can when you keep it under wraps?

I guess it was both. I think the stars finally aligned and the time was right. I was tired of the hiding. Most of my dressing had been done on business trips and not in the house. I was looking at retirement in a few years. In that way it was an attempt to continue dressing. For the last 15 years or so she had some medical issues to deal with,that have been resolved in the last year or so. Our children were moving out of the house, so it would just be the two of us. Additionally and importantly, I had been coming to this site for a while and was feeling better about my self. I came up with a plan for baby steps and implemented it. The process was two years long but I think will be worth it in the end.

29) When you do tell your partner, how open are you to having her establish some boundaries, and do you have boundaries of your own that you would like to establish?

I was and remain open to discuss her boundaries. When I came out to her, I explained what my proposed boundaries were and she was okay with that.

30) How long do you deem an acceptable time for her to wrap her head around this new dimension in your relationship & be comfortable with it?

It has been 9 months. I expect it to take much longer and possibly forever. She is still in the phase of wanting to know "why", which we talk about. I will give her as much time and reassurance as she needs. She is trying and I love her so much.

Jaydee

[suchacutie]

28) When you eventually tell her, is it because you no longer want to live a lie, or is it because you are seeking to explore your femme side more than you can when you keep it under wraps?

We discovered Tina together.


29) When you do tell your partner, how open are you to having her establish some boundaries, and do you have boundaries of your own that you would like to establish? We established boundries immediately and modify them as it seems appropriate. Communication is clearly the key.


30) How long do you deem an acceptable time for her to wrap her head around this new dimension in your relationship & be comfortable with it? My wife is comfortable primarily because she is a part of everything that Tina does. Tina relies on her judgement and insight, so communication is easy and natural.

[ErikaLeigh]

28) When you eventually tell her, is it because you no longer want to live a lie, or is it because you are seeking to explore your femme side more than you can when you keep it under wraps?

My wife found a not so well hidden article of clothing, I never intended for her to find it, but I sure am glad she did.

29) When you do tell your partner, how open are you to having her establish some boundaries, and do you have boundaries of your own that you would like to establish?

My wife sets ALL of the boundaries, and I respect them. I let her ask the questions and answer them truthfully. (Trust me Gurls, this will gain you more respect than a lie any day!!!)

30) How long do you deem an acceptable time for her to wrap her head around this new dimension in your relationship & be comfortable with it?

I dont know if she will ever get her head fully wrapped around this, but she had become more tollerant over the last 3 years. Tollerant does not mean accepting...... in fact I know she wishes it would go away...... thats why we as CDs HAVE TO respect the boudaries if we want our marriages/relatinships to last.

[pj]

28) When you eventually tell her, is it because you no longer want to live a lie...Yes.


30) How long do you deem an acceptable time for her to wrap her head around this...How can I put a timetable on someone else's acceptance of anything?

[Jenny Green]

28) When you eventually tell her, is it because you no longer want to live a lie, or is it because you are seeking to explore your femme side more than you can when you keep it under wraps?
-- Both. *IF* I eventually tell her. Based on many of her reactions to things over the years, I think it would create a huge problem if I told her. Yes, I understand that lying isn't good, especially to a spouse, but overall, my CDing comes nowhere near creating the kind of problems that my coming out would. But I would love to stop the lies and also get her help and feedback on a few things like makeup and shopping.

29) When you do tell your partner, how open are you to having her establish some boundaries, and do you have boundaries of your own that you would like to establish?
-- I'd be completely open to any boundaries. Right now, I have no official CD freedom as far as she's concerned, so even a little freedom would be an improvement. I myself would set some boundaries right off the bat. For example I would never want to go public with any other friends or family. To be very frank, not only have I not told her because of the problems it would create, but also because honestly I'm ashamed of my CDing to the point where I'd rather no one else knew. But then there's the lying to my wife, which I hate... and so the circle in my brain goes around and around for 29 years of marriage.

30) How long do you deem an acceptable time for her to wrap her head around this new dimension in your relationship & be comfortable with it?
-- Same answer as most of the others. No time limit. I've been CDing as long as I can remember and I still haven't wrapped my head around it.

[Sarah811]

28) When you eventually tell her, is it because you no longer want to live a lie, or is it because you are seeking to explore your femme side more than you can when you keep it under wraps?
Because I can no longer keep lying to her, and I want her to be a part of all of my life.

29) When you do tell your partner, how open are you to having her establish some boundaries, and do you have boundaries of your own that you would like to establish?

Like everything else, we will have boundaries, and limits.

30) How long do you deem an acceptable time for her to wrap her head around this new dimension in your relationship & be comfortable with it?
Whenever she is ready, I can wait til hell freezes over if that s what it takes.

[GBNatarii]

From a single man's point of view... Or at least, a crazy single man's point of view... Yes, I'm the Joker at night. I fight the Bat all the time. I just wanna make him laugh!!

28: I'd say a combination of both. I already jump back and forth so easily and quickly some times, that I'm bound to mess up eventually anyways, so I might as well just throw it out there early, before any weird situations occur.

29: Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries... I'd expect some what solid but moveable boundaries. That being, I completely get it if the girl I'm dating wants to paint down some foul lines that would be pretty tight at first, but I expect those to be repainted at a later date constantly, slowly moving away from each other, ya know... I'm trying to think of something better than a football analogy here... I expect to only be granted 10 yards at first, but I also expect to reach a point of having the full 100 in a realistic time frame.

30: 60 seconds. Unless, some how... some way... she never caught on to the fact that I am like that. I practically jump off the walls as a girl when I'm in a good mood, and it's blatantly obvious what I'm doing. And I'm not even dressed up when I do that (I still don't know how to wash clothes, so I tend to wear them very rarely...). Ugh, again, I'm stuck unable to think of a good way of putting it... But basically, yeah... If a girl was interested in me, and didn't already see that to begin with, then I do actually kinda expect 60ish seconds to be okay with it. I'm okay with virtually anything any one tells me about themselves within a heartbeat, so... I guess I've reached that point where I expect the same in return.

[giuseppina]

Week ten questions from our GG's Thanks to all for your time.:hugs:

Week 10
This is for the CDers who have told, or are considering telling their partners well into the relationship:

28) When you eventually tell her, is it because you no longer want to live a lie, or is it because you are seeking to explore your femme side more than you can when you keep it under wraps?
Honesty is the best policy. It is my intent to tell a prospective SO about the crossdressing before getting too involved.

29) When you do tell your partner, how open are you to having her establish some boundaries, and do you have boundaries of your own that you would like to establish?
I'm not interested in going out, but at the same time blanket prohibition is not acceptable. Anything in between is fine with me. I also don't take kindly to personal attacks.


30) How long do you deem an acceptable time for her to wrap her head around this new dimension in your relationship & be comfortable with it?
If she decides to set aside societal taboos and prejudices and educate herself, as long as it takes to come to a decision. It's probably for the best that we part if the crossdressing is at the root of a lot of trouble, as I can't cope with unhealthy conflict. That being said, however, I'm not interested in a relationship based solely on crossdressing, as that will fail as soon as one partner looses interest in crossdressing.

[jerca]

28) When you eventually tell her, is it because you no longer want to live a lie, or is it because you are seeking to explore your femme side more than you can when you keep it under wraps?
I belive that for a successful relationship one should be open with SO, especialy when it comes to things that might hurt your partner. I told her what I would like to do, because I could not live a lie. If I would try to hide things from her, she would find out (and she would - sooner or later), she would be hurt - and I really don't want that. And of course, one always hopes for something more, if chance comes...



29) When you do tell your partner, how open are you to having her establish some boundaries, and do you have boundaries of your own that you would like to establish?
I expected boundaries and have accepted them. I tried to get a better deal:doh:, but I did not push it...



30) How long do you deem an acceptable time for her to wrap her head around this new dimension in your relationship & be comfortable with it?
I can't really tell... We are talking about the issue for a year and a half...

[Joanne f]

[QUOTE=Di;2185742
Week 10

28) When you eventually tell her, is it because you no longer want to live a lie, or is it because you are seeking to explore your femme side more than you can when you keep it under wraps?
At the time it never crossed my mine to consider it a lie but just something i liked/needed to do and my main reason for coming out was in the hope that i could do it more without having to wait for the opportunity as they seamed to be getting less.

29) When you do tell your partner, how open are you to having her establish some boundaries, and do you have boundaries of your own that you would like to establish?
Boundaries where the last thing on my mind as i had just told my wife that i like to wear women's clothes but it was soon suggested that i wear things in a different room which helped my embarrassment and hers.

30) How long do you deem an acceptable time for her to wrap her head around this new dimension in your relationship & be comfortable with it?[/QUOTE]
That was something i had not thought about but just assumed it would be accepted or not accepted .

[Debb]

Week ten questions from our GG's Thanks to all for your time.:hugs:

Week 10
This is for the CDers who have told, or are considering telling their partners well into the relationship:

28) When you eventually tell her, is it because you no longer want to live a lie, or is it because you are seeking to explore your femme side more than you can when you keep it under wraps?

29) When you do tell your partner, how open are you to having her establish some boundaries, and do you have boundaries of your own that you would like to establish?

30) How long do you deem an acceptable time for her to wrap her head around this new dimension in your relationship & be comfortable with it?

28: some from each column. I was already dressing pretty comfortably; I just felt like my wife could help me handle this "burden" a bit better than how I was doing on my own.

29: if my wife has boundaries, it is my sincere hope that she will feel able to honestly tell me about them. So far, her stated boundary has been: Do what you need to do; I will live with it.

30: I told my wife some six years ago. She's still wrapping her head around it, as am I.

[Jocelyn Quivers]

I guess I should answer weeks 1-9, Which I will get to eventually.

28) When you eventually tell her, is it because you no longer want to live a lie, or is it because you are seeking to explore your femme side more than you can when you keep it under wraps?

It was the ethical/right thing to do. She was changing her life plans in order to be in longterm committed relationship with me. She had a right to know everything about me.

29) When you do tell your partner, how open are you to having her establish some boundaries, and do you have boundaries of your own that you would like to establish?

Our boundaries were both mutual and kind of common sense related, such as no cheating whether en-femme mode or male mode, no going out in public, conferring with her in who I chose to out myself to.

30) How long do you deem an acceptable time for her to wrap her head around this new dimension in your relationship & be comfortable with it?

There was no real time frame or ultimatum for acceptance given. I figured if she did not break up with me immediately and call of our friends and tell them there was some level of acceptance.
__________________

[Sally24]

28) When you eventually tell her, is it because you no longer want to live a lie, or is it because you are seeking to explore your femme side more than you can when you keep it under wraps?


I told her after we had been living together for a few months. We were not married or engaged, but serious. It was just time to share something of myself that I knew would never go away. It was not for gain on my part, and a risk I felt I had to take to be honest.

29) When you do tell your partner, how open are you to having her establish some boundaries, and do you have boundaries of your own that you would like to establish?

Boundaries are good for everyone, if they are fair. We have some hard and fast ones (nothing in the bedroom! no permanent body modifications.) and some flexible ones (amount of her involvement, frequency of outings, amount of talking about dressing). They should not be imposed but rather bargained by both people into something they can both live within.

30) How long do you deem an acceptable time for her to wrap her head around this new dimension in your relationship & be comfortable with it?

In our case we were young and still developing and expoloring our relationship so that was not an issue really. The longer the relationship is established, the longer it would probably take to integrate this into the mix.

[Raychel]

28) When you eventually tell her, is it because you no longer want to live a lie, or is it because you are seeking to explore your femme side more than you can when you keep it under wraps?

Definitly, because I no longer wanted to life in secrecy. Living the lie, always scared of the issues of being found out.

29) When you do tell your partner, how open are you to having her establish some boundaries, and do you have boundaries of your own that you would like to establish?

My wife did set some boundries, I was completely fine with that. She could have packed my bags and thrown me out. A few little rules are no big deal.

30) How long do you deem an acceptable time for her to wrap her head around this new dimension in your relationship & be comfortable with it?

This was a major shock to her. She had mostly accepted it, although she would still rather not talk about it. Which I guess I can live with. It has been about 5 years now to get to this point. I would like to be able to dress sometime when she is home and just enjoy life. It is not looking like that will happen in my lifetime though. :sad:

[TxKimberly]

Week ten questions from our GG's Thanks to all for your time.:hugs:

Week 10
This is for the CDers who have told, or are considering telling their partners well into the relationship:

28) When you eventually tell her, is it because you no longer want to live a lie, or is it because you are seeking to explore your femme side more than you can when you keep it under wraps?

29) When you do tell your partner, how open are you to having her establish some boundaries, and do you have boundaries of your own that you would like to establish?

30) How long do you deem an acceptable time for her to wrap her head around this new dimension in your relationship & be comfortable with it?

I told my wife about two weeks into our marriage, because I just couldn't handle the guilt of knowing I was hiding something so significant from her. Don't get me wrong, i don't claim that I calmly considered my obligations, and then made a rational decision to calmly and intelligently explain things to my wife. it was more a feeling of over whelming desperation and guilt that required and forced me to do so.

Out of all of the the questions in this series, these three strike me as being particularly interesting and maybe a bit telling. It seems that with these three questions, the gloves came off, and the GG's have come out swinging. They show a level of hurt, irritation, and anger - fairly reasonable given the context I think.

[corrinediane]

28) When you eventually tell her, is it because you no longer want to live a lie, or is it because you are seeking to explore your femme side more than you can when you keep it under wraps?
I didn't want to hide AND I wanted to explore my fem side WITH her.

29) When you do tell your partner, how open are you to having her establish some boundaries, and do you have boundaries of your own that you would like to establish?
Both. Boundaries are a good thing when dealing with CDing and SO's. I do have some of my own. It could get really out of hand if it's not discussed.

30) How long do you deem an acceptable time for her to wrap her head around this new dimension in your relationship & be comfortable with it?
How ever long it takes, presuming she wants to stay in the relationship with you. Then too, how important is it to you that she accept? I waited 20 years but in the end the CDing wasn't what did us in.

[flatlander_48]

Week 10

28) When you eventually tell her, is it because you no longer want to live a lie, or is it because you are seeking to explore your femme side more than you can when you keep it under wraps?
Basically disclosure. While this never came up with my first wife, I did talk about it with my second wife during the courtship, before we got married. She is very OK with things and she actually encourage me to dress for the only time that I have gone out. We did some Halloween things a few years back.

29) When you do tell your partner, how open are you to having her establish some boundaries, and do you have boundaries of your own that you would like to establish?

My boundaries are probably stricter than hers. However, if she objected to something, I would definitely consider an appropriate change. To not would be like biting the hand that feeds you.

30) How long do you deem an acceptable time for her to wrap her head around this new dimension in your relationship & be comfortable with it?

It was pretty instantaneous...

[AmandaM]

28) When you eventually tell her, is it because you no longer want to live a lie, or is it because you are seeking to explore your femme side more than you can when you keep it under wraps?
29) When you do tell your partner, how open are you to having her establish some boundaries, and do you have boundaries of your own that you would like to establish?
30) How long do you deem an acceptable time for her to wrap her head around this new dimension in your relationship & be comfortable with it?

28. I want her to know, and accept it. I wasn't going to hide anymore.
29. Boundaries within reason, I'm gonna crossdress, etc. so no strict limitations, else find another spouse. But I told before marriage.
30. Since I told her before marriage, I considered it a deal breaker if she didn't want it. I was sick of women freaking out over it, so I decided, if they can't accept it, end it right away. I've been hurt before, and vowed it was never going to happen again. Basically, my philosophy about it is this, if I got divorced, and was dating again, they'll know right away, and if they don't accept it, they're gone. I don't have time anymore for bs.