Oh CRAP!

[Jonique Patricia]

Hi All,

Well it has been well over a year since I was outed. I happened so, my diary and my work calendar are made by the same company. I always have my calendar with me at work so I can write done the crap I do and any problems that occur, CYA is a good thing to always do.

Well, a relative needed an idea and the wife suggested that she get me a calendar for work. Stupid me always left my diary in plain view, cause I really don't like hiding stuff, seems shameful. The missus picked up my diary thinking it was my calendar, which still doesn't make sense since I said that it was at work.

She opened it and read. My last entry was neither a nice entry or slightly mean. I was internally enraged by an incident about my birthday gift, another story another time. I was full metal ranting in dumbass mode. I said some things that now seem childish. In the end, I was outed and that cat was no longer in the area to place back in it's bag.

We went through the hurt phase, the rage phase and then the "don't ask don't tell" phase (I hate Clinton very very much for that idiom). Well, the dadt phase brought self doubt, confusion, some inanimate object punching and depression.

My colleagues that know me; my work me not my she me, saw this too and one said maybe I should see a therapist to talk things out. SO I did. I just recently started talking about my SHe thing and I am comfortable about getting it out.

Last month, on vacation, we were informed that a young relative came out of her closet and well it was like the number one topic. The missus was and still is of the opinion that she is going through a phase. Even though the girl has explicitly said she is a lesbian. But it was easy to talk and the parents were alright with the whole situation. Every one was okay with this revelation.

Now fast forward to last Friday. At dinner, about the only time I can really try and talk about me or anything, I had just had a session and had talked about how maybe the missus can get some cooping tools from the other woman on lifestyle issues. The doc said it would be a route that I should take, since she listens a lot to this woman.

Head first I started to discuss the idea of her talking to the woman. Well, dinner was ruined. I got 'the look' as some of you might have noticed all significant others have, but thermal nuclear setting, mega warheads were coming my way.

I knew that if I pushed it would get bad and I mean really bad. So I kept cool and let her verbally assail me with the 'you broke your promise', 'I am hurt', 'how ashamed she is for me' and 'how dare you even suggest this' as well as a diatribe about my therapist inflating my ego, not erasing this mental illness from my head, how she has no clue to the outside world, and she was going to email her and give her a full fledged down dressing for what she has done to me.

Then the missus stormed out and then stormed out of the house for a few hours. This is the third time she has stormed out of the house during past arguments for other petty stuff. I am a firm believer that if it is worth keeping then you hold your position and never NEVER leave, even if it physically or mentally can hurt you.

But this being #3, I took my cue and moved into the home office, not really needing to be in the bed and feel the hate and all emanating from the other side. I have been here for the last three days.

Day 1: How could I's and other recriminations. How ashamed for me's as well as other verbal hammerings that if it weren't for my 9 yrs of military service would cause a lesser man to break and break bad. Even though she had did my work laundry and we made dinner and ate together.

Day 2: Quiet. Dinner was prepared and eaten together. I shored and congregated in the office reading. She came and told me that I should sleep in the bed since it was more comfortable and I had work the next morning. I told her that I was comfortable here and with the current situation I feel I should stay were I was. She then mimicked me and said she was sleeping in the living room because of the situation and I should be sleep more comfortable because of my labor job.

Day 3 (yesterday): She again started in, but the anger was not as intense and she sounded more fact-ish. She also commented that since I have late shifts and I will be home alone (without any control or detriment to letting the girl out) she wanted me to leave her clothes alone. <sidebar action>: if she were as big as me then I would really have issues of me wearing her clothes but I am a way bit bigger built and my labor job requires lots of heavy lifting that cause muscular growth irregardless of what she or any other would know. I just watched as she collected the bras from the drying rack and leave the room.

Right now I am hunkered down and keeping vigilant, since the missus known to cause 'I'm sorry-sneak attacks' that turn the emotional tables and make one feel miserable. I have lived this before and well after my outing. And yes, I do love her and care for her, it is just my inner needs peace of mind. At the dinner table a few words were exchanged and she asked me why I talked about it. I told her I feel wrong about how this goes around. I feel like I am the one that is being s sneaky cretin and it isn't right. Again she said I was mentally ill, not in a nice playful manner.

I know I am hurt. My usual talkative workself is over quiet and two of my coworkers that know I have unidentified problems with the missus know that it is my way of working through it.

Am I wrong in wanting to explore myself and this side, even if the 'SO' is of the opinion I am mentally ill and is sickened by me. Should I think of leaving the battlefield and accepting the loss or should I stick it out and hope that she might come around and see she has yet to say anything that would really mean she is realizing that it is what it is and nothing more.

I would appreciate comments, but no email, please. I know that there are a few out there that have had similar situations and need to know what I should be think about or doing. Thanks for the eyes and ears for my not so little post.

Jonique Patricia

[Persephone]

Dear Jonique Patricia,

I am not in your situation and I have no experience by which to offer you any ideas or suggestions, but I did want to let you know that my thoughts and my prayers are with you at this difficult time in your life.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[Jonique Patricia]

Thanks P

[JulieC]

... not erasing this mental illness from my head...

Again she said I was mentally ill...

As long as her perception remains that your desire to crossdress is a mental illness and you need to be 'cured', I don't think there's any way forward towards acceptance.

To my knowledge, nobody has ever been 'cured' of crossdressing. I've read of many people attempting to cure themselves or get curative therapy. None of it ever worked. Further, if there were a cure for crossdressing, the people on this forum would know about it. It doesn't exist.

Her reaction is an emotional one, not a logical one. Neither is right or wrong; they're both valid thought processes. However, her insistence on evaluating you based on an emotional reaction and refusing to consider logical reactions will prevent reconciliation. The therapist is a degreed professional. Your wife isn't. But, refusing to consider logical reactions makes the use of the therapist outside of yourself specifically to be a waste of time. Your wife won't consider it. Until she can, there's no moving forward.

I'm very sorry for the situation you are in.

[tinalynn]

I have to agree with Julie, there doesn't seem to be much hope for acceptance. Seems to me that unless you're okay with sneaking around behind her back, you need to give up... something. I'm in no position to suggest what you should give up - that's your call alone. But I know I wouldn't want to live unhappily.

Cross dressing is no more a mental illness than is being homosexual. Its unfortunate that some people are stuck in yesterday's world with no intention of leaving...

[Karan49]

From your post I gather your wife wouldn't respect your therapist. So I suggest you consider suggesting she see a therapist about what to do about your crossdressing. It may end up educating her if the therapist can explain to her that crossdressing cannot be cured. If she is willing to see a therapist I think it should be a therapist of her choosing so she has faith in the therapist. Another choice that might work is for the two of you to go to marriage counseling and you can bring up the crossdressing as well as other issues. Informing the counselor that you don't want to hide this aspect of yourself, that sneaking around is so stressful and that you want to communicate with your wife about your feelings may help you resolve some of these issues. Good luck. Karan

[~Seana~]

I'm really sorry. I''ve been exactly where you are. It really really sucks, and it affects you even years later. In the end I had to leave and so I cant give you any advice on how to handle the situation.
I think though that when one's insecurities are such they are willing to lash out, belittle, and psychologoically bully their partner that they probably arent going to get over those insecurities with any amount of talking. I wish you alot of luck, and recommend you seek out friends, and really look at your own relationship with your wife through their eyes, try and see what they see, and maybe arent saying.

Amanda

[Jonique Patricia]

Thanks for the kind words. I know that whatever I do, I am EFFED one way or another. As it stands I have some hard thinking to do.

As for her going to a therapist, not even likely. During a non-related argument I mentioned that she was in need of a therapist and well no commo for three days. Insecure is the least of her problems and these problems weren't there earlier in the marriage, well neither was my CD'ing desire either.

I am beat and am off to lala land.

Night and thanks for the kind words.

p.s. My therapist had suggested I seek out other CD's and I joined the forum and just lurked. Since this incident I find that support comes from you guys, since we are all in to the same thing. So thanks again.

JP

[Marcia Blue]

Jonique,
I hope the road you are traveling at this phase of your life, does not end up being all up hill. The stresses of life can take a huge toll on a marriage. Your wife, seems to have her mind made up. Only you can decide what is right for you. I am sure everyone here will support you in your decision. Please keep us informed.
You are in my prayers,

[NicoleScott]

From my own experience. My wife at the time (now ex) wanted us to see a therapist about my crossdressing. So we did. Her aim was to get me cured, and mine was to get her to accept. This was decades ago, and the therapists (husband & wife partners) were clueless about crossdressing.
We didn't have a common goal, and were doomed.

[JenniferR771]

I was in a similar situation. My wife's therapist recomended a counselor who wanted to cure me. No luck. He had no background and borrowed a book from me. Relationship counselor we both approved--but not much help. Five years later, we are still together, and we have made a tiny bit of progress. But she usually refuses to discuss Jennifer. She thinks I have too many wigs (10), to many dresses (8), and more in garage, and too many shoes, (10 pair). Lots of adjustments and lots of time needed to restore trust. Take it slow and love her a lot. Understand her to the depth of her soul.

[Presh GG]

OK, We all know there is no cure for being TGender, but there is a cure for your wife , It is Education. So may I respectfully suggest you find some good books , maybe some university studys and give them to her with a cool headed letter telling her what it is to be transgender. Keep it kind, and give her time to read this.

I'm really sorry for you and your dear wife, she is scared that's all.

Maybe you could tell her about the wifes/ s/o s here that are somewhere in the process of loveing our husbands in all his/ her modes.
Please don't take divorce as an easy way out, it should be a last resort.

Best wishes,
Presh GG

[mykhelee]

I went into the closet for seven years to appease a SO that woke up one morning and decided she could not "handle" my dressing anymore.

She has let you know to only dress when she is not around, don't touch her clothes...my most recent ex said that to me and I reminded her she is a 4 and I am a 18...

But I digress...If you come to a point where you are asking yourself whether or not keeping the relationship going is worth the mental distress of said relationship...well???

All you can do is try,
Peace

[mklinden2010]

Well, maybe I missed the first inning but I don't know how long you've been married, if there are kids, what kind of household you guys had/have, as in, "conservative/liberal/etc." and that sort of thing.

On the plus side, you're not being inconsistent about what you think or how you feel about the CDing... It's just you; it's something that you do.

On the minus side, if this is news to your wife, then that's your error. But, since it's been a year, sounds like you two might work something out.

You're not mentally ill to CD. There is no "wrong or right" here, it just is... What if you were musically inclined and tapped on things constantly or lined the water glasses up to play tunes? You're not crazy, you just have your own likes and dislikes, interests, and, concerns.

So, where does this leave you and your wife and your relationship?

Well, for starters, are you doing anything with your CDing that has any real value? You may like it, but you may just be being stubborn.

Her thinking might be that you're "mentally ill" because CDing, "clearly," has no positive value for you, her, or, anyone else.

Can you answer this question - What's the point of your crossdressing and how is that a good thing?

You're going to do what you're going to do... How you and your wife explore this subject and find workable solutions will determine the quality and the duration of your relationship.

In the end, your relationship isn't going to be made or broken on CDing; it's going to succeed or fail on how you listen to and respond to each other.

Sounds like both of you would rather be together than apart, so far.

So, talk and keep talking.

Your wife may come to understand that this is "your thing," like deer hunting, collecting stamps, or, brewing beer.

If you talk enough, this may all become very natural - once you do a lot of dumb things first that you find aren't all that smart.

Your wife may wind up, in the end, being fine with what you two get worked out.

By then, however, you'll have to be careful not to bore her like anyone else would with endless comments about new decoys, yet another almost perfect stamp, or, wanting, for the millionth time, to take the vacation money and turn the garage into a pub.

Sounds like your wife would like to support you. Make it easy for her. Make sure what you do makes good sense, somehow, and that what you work out is what you work out together.

Good luck.

[ReineD]

What I find most telling about your story is your wife's reaction. On day 2 she suggested you come back to bed. This is huge! She dislikes the fighting just as much as you do. She most definitely does not want to lose you. And on day three she condescended by saying, "Well OK, but don't wear my clothes". That's a lot of change in 3 days IMO, and it gives me a lot of hope for your future together.

I'm a GG, by the way.

Throughout your post I sensed that you've done everything in the past to not make your wife angry. This is a tricky approach to take in a marriage, because it leads to making false compromises, which gives the wife false hope that "it will go away". And it delays the inevitable, which is to face the situation head on and deal with it. It's like peeling away a band-aid exceedingly slow. Ouch. Your wife will feel angry, she will be afraid, but she is allowed to go through these feelings. She has to go through these feelings before she can get to the other side, so there's no use avoiding them.

The best thing you can do, IMO, is to keep repeating four things to your wife, and never lose your cool:

1. I know you don't understand this and you don't like this, and you're scared, and I'm sorry from the bottom of my heart that you're feeling this way. I know I lied and I'm terribly sorry about that too.

2. This is a part of who I am and it will not go away, as much as I've wanted it to in the past. I've come to accept that it is not a sickness or a sin.

3. I love you and I will always be your husband. I don't want to stop being your husband. Ever.

4. I need you to accept that this other part of me exists, and to take real steps to educate yourself properly about it. You do not have to be involved if you don't want to. But I refuse to keep hiding and lying to you about it, nor do I want to walk around on eggshells. Choose any professional you want to talk about it, if you don't want to talk to my therapist, but choose someone.

The details can come later. :hugs: And don't forget that this is a time when you need to be as loving and as patient with your explanations and your wife's reactions as you can. But don't back down. Else it will come back to haunt both of you later.

[Tasha McIntyre]

I feel for you Jonique - hope things work out for the best.

Like JulieC stated - this is not a mental illness, and I can't remember hearing of anyone being cured either!.

All you can do is to be honest and open to your wife when she wants to talk. Good luck with that.

Tash

[Jonique Patricia]

First Inning goes as such: She has always been a dominant partner in the relationship and I just rode along, cause I love her. She is German and when I try to engage her in anything political about here (germany) or America, she is not really able to say much except she hates politicians. We have no kids because she doesn't want them and when my CD was outed she turned on me and said that was a reason why she didn't want to have kids with me. My Cd'ing resurfaced about four five years ago. So she is not able to ground her reasons for not wanting children until then and I just let it drop and have never asked why ever again.

What's the point of your crossdressing and how is that a good thing?

It makes me feel equalled out. I enjoy doing it. A part of me feels happy doing it. Almost like doing drugs-but not illegal and no nasty side affects.

As for support, well that is if she would benefit from what I do. I wrote poetry way back and I was a runner up in some poetry book contest. She was all happy until I told her how much I had to pay for the book. Then it was oh....well if you must. I can write stories, and was published cause I answered an ad in a writer mag needing erotic stories. Again the same attitude. Then I told, cause I am always honest about what I do, her that it was incest pornography. >side bar: write normal erotica and then when done make character related and change tags to identify, so no that stuff doesn't interest me but I can adapt it to sound like it<
Again the support was no longer there and she kept hounding me never to tell any one. Here is the first time I have ever mentioned it.

I am open for talking and I am following a listen to her ranting and wait til it stops and she starts making sense. She went off three weeks ago on vacation about me going out and buying her earings. Her sister let her rant and then layed into her for stupid reaction to a husband wanting to do something nice for her and how I have not once picked jewelry she didn't like. SO she has issues herself and I have to compensate for them.

Thanks for your kind words and I will keep them in mind.

JP

[ReineD]

Oh, sorry Jonique, it looks as if you and your wife have more issues than was apparent in your first post. I don't know that my suggestions will be helpful.

Perhaps the two of you should consider marital counseling, like Karan49 suggested.

[Jonique Patricia]

OK, We all know there is no cure for being TGender, but there is a cure for your wife , It is Education. So may I respectfully suggest you find some good books , maybe some university studys and give them to her with a cool headed letter telling her what it is to be transgender. Keep it kind, and give her time to read this.

I'm really sorry for you and your dear wife, she is scared that's all.

Maybe you could tell her about the wifes/ s/o s here that are somewhere in the process of loveing our husbands in all his/ her modes.
Please don't take divorce as an easy way out, it should be a last resort.

Best wishes,
Presh GG

I bought "My Husband Betty" to give to her to help her. Well I got hammered for 'WAISTING' money on crap that she won't read and how it is my problem and she doesn't have to deal with it.

I read the book and found it interesting but it lacks to really educate any one on being in a relationship with a CD. I read a lot: Scifi, Politics, Bios, Philosophy, Economic and was feeling kind of wanting more than what the book had to offer.

She is uber stubborn even if it means she would lose she'll keep to her train of thought.

I've been the route and she can read stuff and totally miss the point. Her last to major readings (other than murder mystery) was EQ: Emotional Quotient the IQ for emotion and couldn't really tell me if it was good or not cause she didn't understand it. Now she is reading a B-Day gift from a neighbor "Follow your Heart" and well she is still not getting it. The book is an inspiration book and well if I were to follow my heart I know that the road is hard and I have some major decisions to make. I have no idea what she thinks of it cause I am sure she would say it is just crap. She is intelligent but socially dumbed down I guess. I am no degree holder, yet I love to read a lot, even weird stuff that non degree holders would scratch the head and say-'what does that mean?'

So no educating by books or with others.

Thanks for the reply.

JP

[Jonique Patricia]

Oh, sorry Jonique, it looks as if you and your wife have more issues than was apparent in your first post. I don't know that my suggestions will be helpful.

Perhaps the two of you should consider marital counseling, like Karan49 suggested.

Thanks both of you for the suggestion and reinforcement. But counseling won't work if only one partner is participating. I have suggested it, but she said, 'go if you want I don't need it.' So one sided marriage counseling won't help any one, except those that get the fee.

JP

[Lexine]

Without books or outside help... not sure if marital counseling is part of this... I'm not really sure if anyone else can provide any sort of helpful advice as to how and where to take this. It sounds like there definitely are deeper issues here than just your CDing, after all, it sounds really weird that she's unwilling to compromise her side to better understand your needs. I know that she's the more dominant side of your relationship, but you have to be honest with yourself: Will you be able to live your life not being able to do what you like knowing your wife is unable to accept what you do?

My SO's and my thoughts and prayers are with you in hoping that you and your wife find a solution to this.

[Jonique Patricia]

Some more trivial background on me :devil:

During this current argument she had mentioned my parents; both divorced and my dad just dropped the bombshell a month ago that he had Stage 4 SCLC and a Catholic. Mother is a Mormon.

First, the dysfunctional female id I call mother (inside joke with us) is cool with it. We had a long period of no contact because of childhood, teenage, young adult not being conducive to parenting her way. I am the only member of the family that talks or interacts with her, so either she is accepting cause she needs that contact or she does care about how I feel. I believe it is the latter. We talked at length about it when I had visited with her and she was cool about the whole thing and asked if I wanted anything from MaryKay. I told her that the SO was not on the in and it would be hard to explain why I got a make up kit from her.

As for my Dad. Hmmm. I had planned to tell him this past vacation, but with his announcement of 'buying the farm' 'getting ready for the eternal dirt nap' and 'giving up the spoon' I thought it would be better to wait until I have his attention and he is not down from the chemo. However, I have probed about alternative life styles and he told me stories of his childhood and a certain family friend that was accepted for his flamboyancy (a southern gay gentleman) and 'student' friends he brought around. He also suspects that his sister is a lesbian and she went off cause she was afraid of what the family; him, me, and her children would think or say. To quote my brother-in-law: it is what it is and that's it. So I am 100% sure he wouldn't bat an eye.

No one else in my family that I have had contact with knows and I am not sure if it would be appropriate to mention such things, since there is a strong conservative religious background with them.

Four of my in-laws know. They are actually cool about it and I can talk about it with them privately. The first that I told, niece to my SO, actually said I should NOT let my SO know cause she is hinky about such things. The SO's sister knows and asked hows and why's and we talked about it a little. She said if I need any help she would be there for me. The husband and I met when we were stationed here in Germany and now that we are older we understand that there is more sides to a person then what you see. He is cool and told me next time I need to go shopping, he would chauffeur me to the store and hide it until it could be sent. The other daughter from the sis and bro in-law is a lesbian and we seemed to be able to talk more about likes and dislikes then she will with her parents. I have known her since she was three and I told her that unless she killed people I would love her no matter what the problem. Now if she killed really bad people I am sure I would still love her. Bad as in they shouldn't walk the earth types.

My upstairs neighbor knows and she accepted it 100%. That threw me, but hey we talk about anything that pops up and I give my comments and support where needed. She is like a sister that every one would want to have.

Supper PAST TRIVIA:

I started and freaked at 16-17 yo CD'ing. Not having any parental guidance, no real big desire to go to college, I went Army and spent 9 yrs running from me as well as making me. With the resurfacing of my desire I controlled it by reading what info I could find and then started keeping a diary. I have purged several times and regret I did. Denial of what you are is never good.

It was the first argument that sent me to a therapist. She is a general therapist and had little experience with gender issues, here in Germany it is something that isn't to big or whatever. But she helps me out by letting me talk and with other issues that arise (father's problem) she asked the right questions. We recently talked of my cross dressing and she listens and offers things for me to think on.

My wife knows her and been there once. She said that she would not go there again and definitely not to discuss my cross dressing at all. At that session she was waiting for me to DUMP on her and well she was put in the position to talk and get what she had out. My missing her 40th birthday was all she could talk about and how I ruined it. As well as how I have a real hard time with her little sister and her dependency on SO's financial support. The doc agreed that a little is okay, but constantly is not. So you can tell there is more problems than she wishes to face up to.

Sorry for the jumble of trivia. But it helps for me to become personal here, since we are who we are.

More to come later. Thanks for the kind words, prayers and thoughts....you guys...I mean girls are the best!

JP

[Jonique Patricia]

Hi All,

Hmmm, how to begin this part of it. Well, the my SO's rage really subsided and even though she is steadfastly holding on to her stubbornness, I am holding on to myself.

Well, I no longer sleep in the office. I am back to the soft bed and feel it in the back. Need to change my mattress out soon or have real back problems. But I digress.

I cleaned my house and reformulated all the things I had been thinking about ever since I left the bed room and went about my life. I realized that the discomfort in me was the dishonesty that I heard a few of you mention. I am other than dishonest and the emergency lies that we tell ourselves eventually won't work.

I told her that without my reaffirmation of being nothing more than what I am a 'Cross-dresser'. That it is neither a physical or mental illness and there is only one cure, delving into it and exploring oneself. I told her that there are many questions I will confront myself with and I alone can answer them. Her non-participation in this matter was more than clear, but her preoccupation with it is also her participation and need to control something she refuses to accept or deal with. Irregardless of her abhorrence to it, it will be there and stay there.

I told her if she felt that our marriage is a sacrifice, then we need not be married and can end it, peacefully and amicably. This hit her hard and I know now that she is bonded to me as I am to her and it would be like losing a limb or life that would never grow back. I told her that to me our marriage is a commitment that I will fully participate in and I will occasionally mention 'the subject' and tell her that her worries are nonsense and I am still the man she married 13 years ago and have only added to me not subtracted.

I went through how I was upset with her actions a week ago, but she has her rights to be and say and do as she pleases and I have those same rights. A marriage is full of compromises and sacrifices, but to sacrifice or compromises ones core principals so the other may feel better about themselves is wrong. I told her that her little sister is a compromise I don't wish to have and yet I allow it and make allowances that this sister will always be needy socially, financially, and principally. I will never tell her to be other than how she is with this sister and only going to an extreme will I mention boundaries that need to be set and limits that need to be accepted.

This was hard, cause she would rather live for another then herself. But then my SO's older sister is also of the same mind when it comes to the little sisters attitude. So I am supported there solidly.

I told her that if she wished her room, I will give it to her and not gripe. But she also needs to realize I need mine and nothing short of this will do.

I told her that she is the core of my being and I wish her no harm and 'the subject' is neither harming her physically or mentally. I am on my own and I am not going to intentionally or unintentionally out myself to those who she feels would negatively use it against her or her mind would believe it would be used against her. I told her that today's world, though non accepting of a lot of things, this subject is becoming more and more known and tolerated.

I went on to insist that I can no longer lie to her if she asks me about this or that or even what am I wearing at that moment. I told her that her trust was violated by my not telling her, and if she would forgive me and forget it, I would tell her truthfully the answers that I know. But, I reminded her of her axiom, the truth hurts, that if she asks about the subject, that whatever I answer, she will find pain in it unless she starts accepting me and not thinking I am any less then what I was before.

I went on to touch upon her clothes and all. I told her I know what she wears, since I also do laundry and fold clothes. If she prefer that I stop this, then so be it, but I will wash my clothes and put them up and request she not do that, since I feel it would be her doing something I am forbidden to do. I also said that she dress old lady-ish and would not be of this style, if I knew what that style was. She was taken aback, but realized that we all share in the house work and to separate it would be a pain in the ass as well as just plain stupid.

I touched on how she thinks I am doing something that is wrong. I asked how she felt about the lesbian niece and she had no problems with her. When I said that she is replacing the MAN in the normal relationship and sexual relationship, she was "well that does bother me" and all. I told her that it does notbother her, because her statement proceeding that was, "You can't choose who you love or how." It was probably what cracked that shell a bit in her nonacceptance of me but acceptance of another. Every time she sees the girl, she will see me in her minds eye and feel her stubbornness lesson.

She went off on how she can't give me space in a closet or go shopping with me or anything that would make it seem acceptable with this subject. I told her that I neither was asking nor imagining any of those things. I was just trying to tell her that I still love her and we need to work on our commitment to each other as well as being open in our conversations.

She said that if I would give this up, she would give up something in kind. When I asked what that might be, she had said that her moving to the US would not be so hard. I refrained from laughing and told her that I had violated her trust and no matter what, the new trust would be based on what she would see as lies and would never trust me for that matter. She will always think I am dressing or thinking about it or just waiting to do it when she is not around. Her non response to this was an affirmation to this trust issue. So she needs to either accept it or think what she thinks.

So I am back to the same old routine, but my honesty will not be compromised in this matter. Hurt or not, I also hurt too. I will keep all posted, but I really expect the next major blowout to be in a year, since this seems to be how long she can hold out, or me for that matter, with arguments.

Thanks for all prayers and good thoughts.

[Chickhe]

It is just clothing... but a good strategy is to ask her for help...not with your CDing, but wiith feeling like you let her down by not living up to her expectations...and life not turning out as you expected it would. Once you show some humility she will see it is not all about how she feels.

[carhill2mn]

Congratualtions! I think your honest expression of how you feel is a necessary step. Since you have stated your commitment to your marriage she now has to decide what she will do. Unfortunately, there is no way to really resolve situations like this without some pain.

[JulieC]

Wonderful post, and much of it sounds very healthy. I just wanted to touch on something...


She said that if I would give this up, she would give up something in kind.

Do not agree to this. Repressing your expression of yourself has lead to mental and physical illness among some people on this forum. Repressing it is NOT an answer. You might be able to keep it away from her, so that she doesn't see your femme clothes or see you dressed en femme in any respect, but repressing it entirely? This is who you are. You could just as well asked her to stop using her left hand for the rest of her life. It won't work.

[Karen564]

I really like how your handling this...your being honest & realistic about where this relationship is going and tackling it head on..since it's best to put all the cards on the table at this point..

It does break my heart to see so many relationships compromised because of dressing & sorry the both of you are going through this..but I do get a strong impression that you both love each other very much despite all the problems...

I'll pray & wish you both the best..:hugs: