The thrill is gone, but the accoutrements are still there

[Rhonda Jean]

It's been a long time since I posted, but I still keep up with y'all here. I've not really known what to say, at least not without writing a book, which I just don't have the motivation to do. Rebecca sent me a pm that got me to thinking about my current cding status, how close I came to going another way with it, and what if.

I'm in the wierdest place with the whole cd thing that I've ever been. I'm in a serious relationship now with a woman who loves a little feminine expression by me, but... I don't know how to explain it here... it's not really in a girly/feminine way. More of a fun/uninhibited way. I don't even feel really feminine about it anymore, and don't get much of a kick out of it. I've tried to renew my interest in it. I miss it, but it's just not there. I should be enjoying her interest and participation in it a whole lot more than I am. I'll try to explain...

Due to her encouragement, my hair is longer than it's been in years. 2 or 3 inches longer than it was in my avatar, and she loves to style it for me and prefers for me to flat iron it every day. We've gotten our brows done together (waxed and tinted). I have them done every 2 weeks at "her" brow place (usually without her) where they know I'm her boyfriend, and they're thinner and more arched than I've ever had them before (tinting makes a HUGE difference, BTW). We've had mani/pedis together, but usually she does mine for me. Toes always in a color, clear on my fingernails except (sometimes) when we go out. She loves the flipflops or sandals and polished toes. I'm shaved all over and always wear panties. I sometimes sleep in her girly pj's. She loves for me to wear her big earrings. I often wear makeup when we go out. Mineral makeup. Not heavy enough to cover my beard shadow. I'm skinny as a rail. She frequently picks out stuff for me to wear out of her closet. Nothing I feel is overtly feminine, though. So far I haven't worn a bra, dress, skirt, or heels around her. I don't get the feeling that's in the cards.

Pretty lucky girl, right? There have certainly been times in my life that I craved this kind of acceptance. Yet, I find myself at this time in my life frustratingly not into it to the level I wish I was. As "done up" as I've been when we were going out, I've yet to look in the mirror and see "girl", at least not anything like I did when I was fully into cding. Thing is, my daily appearance is more feminine than it's been in probably 25 years. Between the hair, the eyebrows, and the nails, I get a few more questioning looks and comments than I'm used to.

All this to say, I'm experiencing a different kind of frustration than I ever have over the whole cd thing. I wish I could appreciate all this the way I know I would have at almost any other time in my life. I could literally give it all up now. That's how little it means to me. Frustrating!!!

Sometimes I even specifically dislike it. We had an argument one night after being out. Duirng the argument I was hyper-aware of the girly stuff. My hair felt prickly against my shoulders and chest. My polished nails glared at me. My earrings felt very heavy. My hairless legs felt strange against my jeans. I could feel my mascara sticking my lashes together. All very unpleasant and foreign feeling, and made me feel, I don't know... weak.

There's more, but this post has gotten too long already. You get the drift.

Rhonda

[Kathi Lake]

Rhonda, thanks so much for sharing!!

MNo, your post was certainly not too long. How can you possibly share your feelings in 30 words or less?

I'm sure you will get plenty of "I wish I were in your shoes" posts. At times, I'm sure I would wish the same. However, I believe I know where you're coming from. What was once almost forbidden is now not only acceptable, but encouraged, and possibly - while not forced - highly-suggested. It is understandable that you would feel weak. You are in a traditional relationship with a very non-traditional SO (Wow. Talk about your roller-coasters! :)). You are bound to feel, at times, weak, feminine, feeling like you have a loss of control, etc.

The way I see it, you have a few options (Wow, I sound like such a man. "Here, let me fix that for ya' little lady!" :)); One, you can tell her your feelings, and maybe work out a compromise for when you're feeling less pliable. Two, you can walk away and the situation will be solved. Three, you can dive headfirst into it and let her conscience be your guide.

We are here for you, Rhonda. Thanks for letting us know, and be sure to let us know how we can help, if necessary.

Kathi

[Kiera79]

Hi Rhonda,

All I can say is talk to her about how you feel. If it bothers you that much tell her you want to quit and see how she takes it. Sit and talk about it amongst one another.

[Kaz]

Hi Rhonda... I agree.. talk to her.

It sounds from what you say that she is taking control/forcing the agenda... but a) if this is true, b) it could be for many reasons... a lot of them potentially good!

Sounds like she is positioning you somewhere she either feels comfortable with or she is setting you on a course... she could also just trying to be really helpful and supportive?

Kaz xx

[BRANDYJ]

Rhonda, let me also thank you for sharing your feelings. I may be suffering the same sort of symptoms but for very different reasons. so I get it when you say the desire is not what it used to be, One thing that comes to mind is this thing called male menopause. Males do go through a change of life like women do. But usually not so noticeable as it is with some women. I know I went through it. Part of the reason I now am divorced after 29 years together. However, have met another that I love with all my heart and soul.
Maybe other things in your life have you off track. We are in different times economically. The world is getting smaller and the debt to all of us is higher then ever. We are all more expendable in the job market etc. So everyday life is not as easy as it was sat 10-20 years ago. it takes a toll on all of us. So I'd be looking at other things that may be causing this change in you. Maybe you don't like the changes your new partner has you doing. Mayeb she is pushing to much. Hard to say. But I do understand what you are feeling.
I wish you and your partner the very best and know you will come out of this feeling better.

[kimdl93]

I have an alternate "take" on the situation. I think you have found a lovely woman who is eager to share this part of your life. That creates a new dynamic...and maybe for the first time you don't feel deprived opportunities for more frequent or extensive feminine expression.

Maybe the thrill is gone for the moment. But I kinda suspect that you could be experiencing that natural ebb and flow that many CDers relate. If so, it will probably come back. So, why not just talk with your GF...acknowledge that this is part of you, that you enjoy sharing...but sometimes you feel less need...sometimes more. But please guys, don't fight. this can be something you can share and enjoy, so long as you both can relax and take it as it comes.

[SuzanneBender]

Rhonda to quote BB King, "the thrill is gone". I even think he was singing about this exact thing! :heehee:

I am thinking along the same lines as Kim. Dressing has an exciting component to it for many and it sounds like it did for you. Now what once had a slight thrill to it because it was somewhat taboo is now accepted. When something becomes an everyday event it sometimes looses its luster and just becomes monotonous. Acceptance is a wonderful thing, but it does sometimes come with its challenges.

Thanks for sharing

[MsJanessa]

I don't understand---she wants you to look and I'm thinking act, more feminine to the extent you have hyper plucked and shaped eyebrows, a sexy feminine bob for your do(very attrative by the way) shaved legs etc but what? She doesn't want you to dress, make up, etc? Is that what she told you?hmm maybe you should talk to her about what you want--assuming you haven't already--good luck

[busker]

Rhonda,
quote"She frequently picks out stuff for me to wear out of her closet. Nothing I feel is overtly feminine, though. So far I haven't worn a bra, dress, skirt, or heels around her. I don't get the feeling that's in the cards." unquote
I get the feeling after reading this 3 times that you are suffering from a role reversal--eg you are no longer the dominant person in a relationship, and perhaps feeling just a bit like a "toy". at least according to the paragraph that I quoted above. You get to wear the "salad" but not the uniform.
I think rather than a sudden acceptance of being a CD, you are being marginalized for someone else's pleasure. Have I totally misread this post? Either something was left out that other have managed to read in, or something is definitely wrong. The "coffee stains" are always telltale. The relationship sounds to good to be true, and perhaps that what worries you and puts you off enjoying your CD activities. I see strings attached--but then I always do, I guess. It is my failing in life to ever be suspicious of something that is too good to be true.
Though I truly hate to suggest it, I think I'd be looking for an exit.
just my thoughts
Mandrake out of water

[sherri]

Halfway wouldn't work for me, or staying in the closet, and I'd have issues with someone painting me into that corner. That would take the bloom off the rose for sure. But hey, I'm single and independent.

But if you're just tired of xdressing in general, why not just chill? It'll come back full blast one of these days, and if it doesn't, that's okay too, right?

But yeah, I agree with everyone else -- talk it out, sister.

[BobbiU]

From the outside sounds like you got a relationship there that many of us would envy (I do!). However, It's obvious that is not the case for you.

The one thing I see missing from the equation is your feelings towards this women, outside of the fem you. You're in a serious relationship, but for how long and do you want it to go further? If you're in it for a long time, then maybe there is not a chance that she would allow you to go further. If it's not that long, Sounds like you've built a great foundation, with the possible for further enjoyment down the road, even though you said you don't think so.

I'm brand new here, however, sounds like everyone is giving great advice about talking to her, however, I do not think you should rush in to it. Does not sound like you need to make a decision today or tomorrow. Also, you need to ask yourself , where you would be in 30 days, 60 or 90 days or a year from now, if she was not with you. Only you know that.

Good luck with your decisions, I have a great SO, and currently do only a fraction of what you're able to enjoy, but I'm confident that as time goes on, I will be able to enjoy more of what you, and many others have. Take time to think about where you're at, where you want to be, and I'm sure you'll make the right decision.

[Rhonda Jean]

Hey girls,
Thanks for your comments and suggestions. I may have left a false impression here. I'm not being forced, it's not all the time, and I DO enjoy it. I just feel differently about it.

On our first date she asked me if I waxed my eyebrows and if I colored my hair. I was afraid she was already getting a little creeped out. Not so!. She liked it! She since told me that some of these things turn her on.

My own self analysis of my lack of enthusiasm for it is that, one, when I met her I was in a low period in my interest in it already (even though I was still doing it to a certain extent). Two, cding has been a departure from the male role for me. When I'm out with her I feel like (and am) her boyfriend. That switch just never gets flipped into girl mode.

Yes, I miss the feelings I used to have surrounding it. I can't accurately describe what that feeling was, but this just isn't the same. I also want to be clear I still love it, just in a different way, and I love that she has fun with it. She very much sees me as a guy, but she loves that I'm open to exploring the feminine. I'm in a good place.

[vivianann]

I think it is awesome she encourages you to be femminine, however maybe her taste in the type of clothes she wants you to wear is not what you want to wear, so its like bla bla bla. Because I still sense some enthusiasm about your eyebrows and nails being done even though at times it glares at you.
You mention you have not worn a dress, skirt or bra around her, to me I would be getting to the point of why am I going through all this trouble just to look like a feminized male, and why bother. What I would do if I were in your shoes, is suggest you want to wear a dress or a skirt with a bra and other feminine undergarments, and Hose too, to her and see what her reaction is, just a suggestion. let us know how it goes.

[LisaM]

Rhonda,
Your post was pretty enlightening. Most girls don't get to go through what you are experiencing so it is interesting to read about your feelings. I can only speculate how I would feel.

[Rhonda Jean]

Vivianann... Feminized male! Very good. I don't know why that term escaped me. That's it.

My interest in cding is still in a lull, despite the fact that I occasionally dally in it. I wish I could describe the feeling. It might need to be the subject of another post, but I completely crossdressed (including a dress, which I almost never wear) a couple of months ago and went to visit a gg friend (my old hairdresser) and several other places other places i used to visit enfemme. I did it only to try to jumpstart my interest in the whole cd thing. Trying to get that old feeling. The thrill. Had a great time, it was great to see old friends, but the feeling was just not there.

It's not that I'm dissatisfied that she's not letting me go as far as I want. I don't even want it anymore (at least not right now). There's still something there. I love the hair, nails, etc., and I especially love that she's into it. I doubt that full-on fem is in the cards when I'm with her, but I guess you never know. Androgynous, or feminized male, isn't what most of us are into, but it's pretty fun. Particularly during a lull in interest.

[Sarah Michelle]

I have often wondered what would happen to the two of me if my wife found out about and supported my cross-dressing. Would it lose its appeal by becoming open and accepted, or (as I fear most) would I slide slowly but inexorably to dressing en femme full-time except for the drab necessities?
I think vivianann hit the nail on the head with "feminized male". I know that I would not be happy being a feminized male. In fact it would probably be horrible.
You may be experiencing the "perfect storm" of circumstances; what appears to be acceptance really isn't (yet) because you are the feminized male and not the woman you wanted to be ... and ... you are in one of the cyclical lulls that seem to affect so many of us. Conflict on too many fronts at the same time.
Just my thoughts...

[rachael131]

I think I understand what you are saying. I too have had times of lull where the thrill just wasn't there. I have good support from my SO with dressing as I feel, but some times it just isn't there.
When we go out she does prefer for me to be her boyfriend, but around the house and neighborhood, its whatever suits me with her suggestions for good dress standards.
I have had times in the past that I even wanted to just chuck everything and just be a guy again. It never really lasts to long,but I do understand the lull in the "thrill".
I think it's great that you have an SO that enjoys your fem side and maybe a good talk with her about your feelings could help. I have had to have talks with my SO about what I enjoy and then listen to what she does and doesn't like. This has given us a very strong relationship. I went twenty years waiting and looking for a good partner, I'm not looking any more.

[Rhonda Jean]

Oh wait! I think I'm getting why some of you think I'm being forced. The argument we had had nothing to do with how I was dressed. Nothing was ever said about how I was dressed. I was just trying to describe how I felt while the argument was ongoing.

[docrobbysherry]

Just MY experience with my ex. When we got together, we discussed things quite often. When there were disagreements, we came to a compromise. ( I later found her "compromise" meant, keep doing it in secret!) Sort of like what some CDs do?:brolleyes:

The bottom line is;
over time, we discussed things less and less, and she took over the decision making more and more. When I'd finally had enuff and put my foot down, it was too late!
She wasn't willing to compromise anymore!:sad: Marriage over!

My advice to ALL of u; don't let things slide in your relationships! Always let your feelings about things be known! Even if it ruffles some feathers! In the long run, it's BETTER for both of u!:thumbsup:

[Nicole Erin]

Gyod do I ever know that feeling. I am in the early process of transition.

See, at first, all the TG things are a rush, but you get used to it and once the fun is gone, you really start to realise how much work it can be.

I hate shaving my legs, tweezing eyebrows, tweezing beard, hate doing makeup, all that stuff, but I want the femme look.

I have heard that one reason some transitioned TS kill themselves is cause they make it thru everything and realise there are no parades and no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, it is just life as normal.

Things happen like that all the time, you hope against hope for something, want it so bad, but when it comes, you are in hog heave for a short while but when the newness wears off, then what? Think of buying a new car, getting a new house, or the latest season of Teenage Aqua Hunger Force on DVD*, at first it is so great but after a while it is "so what?"

*Teenage Aqua Hunger force is some horrificly crappy movie/show that sucks worse than you can imagine, if you do acquire a DVD of it, throw it in the trash immediately. I forget the exact name, maybe "Adolescent starvation Water team" or some crap, but it sucks.

[Naomi Rayne]

I have read in some points that peoples urge to dress sometimes disappears despite the fact that they continue to take care of their grooming as they usually would. Shaved legs, nails done, brows plucked and arched and so on. It may just be that you have lost interest in CDing, but i think trying so hard to get it to come back is only going to deter you farther from it. Take a break from it? or try not to worry about it so much? One day that pink fog will creep back into your head. There have been times where i have not felt like dressing for a couple days. I have read some even have had that feeling for a couple weeks. Maybe in your case its just something a bit longer.

In order to get your point across you had to talk about your situation between you and your wife, but it seems more like this situation has a whole lot more to do with you. Its almost as if your saying because your wife allows you to feminize yourself that you should be more inclined to dress. I dont think that is the case at all. Your grooming at some point stops being fun and starts being a habit or just part of how you choose to take care of yourself.

There are 2 ways that i can think of for you to go about things. Either bring up to your wife about presenting more fem if thats what your wishes are. So that you can jump into girl mode rather than just being a feminized male. Or just kinda kick back and stop trying to look for that girl moment. It may just pop up at you one day walking through the mall when u happen to fall in love with a pair of shoes or an outfit or maybe while your sitting down watching tv being completely absentminded.

[charlie]

Hello Rhonda!
Yes, the grass is always greener on the other side. Perhaps you should take your break and just not be girly for awhile. Go get some Jockey shorts and some cigars for a change and see what transpires. You just have to be you....happy.

[AKAMichelle]

While I have never had an accepting SO to know for sure, I don't think the problem is her. The problem is with you. You say that you had the low desire before she appeared. I am usually dressed all the time when home and this week I have just finished 2 whole days of a road trip while dressed. Now for some unknown reason I have no desire to dress. Go figure. I am out of town working for 2 weeks and I have no desire tonight. I don't know when it will return.

Your SO is only attempting to be there for you and allow you to be yourself. The only problem is that you have shifted to a place that she is unaware of. You should talk with her and let know of the ebbs and flows of your crossdressing. maybe then you can find a way to get rid of the frustration.