going out alone " any advice "

[pernille d]

For the first time in many years I have the weekend to myself and i realy want to out in public and also visit a bar.( all types welcome bar)

i am still not too good with make up and i am not sure how well i pass in day light as i go out generally at night and window shop or just take evening walks , So my contact with other people is almost non-existant .I am worried that if i go out on my own i will draw more attention to myself and i cant make up m mind if i will just look silly or maybe from a distance will pass,.Close up i am quite sure i wont pass and i have a deep voice so i think the best is not to try and hide anything .

What do you other girls do when you go out on your own and i would be gratefull for some advice/ tips/ tricks or hints that can help me as i know its not going to be easy,

[Nicole Erin]

Dress to blend in best you can. Even if you don't pass, you will draw way less attention.

Try to stay within safe areas,, don't walk several blocks in the dark in some crappy area. Bad guys would see ANYone walking alone as a target.

Now if it just a bar you are headed to - if it really is accepting of all, then go there wearing something to blend in, lest you had to mae an unexpected stop, but once there, then you could change into your "evening" outfit.

Or, one thing some CD do is take a change of make clothes and stuff to clean makeup off if the situation really calls, like car breaks down and Bubba is coming in his tow truck to tow it back home.

[Kathi Lake]

I would do the same thing as a woman that I would do as a man - assess the situation and take measures as appropriate. If the area looks rough, take a cab to and from the front door.

Be safe and have fun and watch how much you drikke. Save some øl for the other ladies!

:)

Kathi

[Lorileah]

First, you are going to a bar, alone. You will attract attention no matter how your makeup looks. Attitudes being what they are someone will believe you are available and that you may be a potential sex partner for the evening. How will you handle that? (one of the reasons women go out in groups). You can wear a wedding band and politely say "sorry" while waving it under their nose. We all know how ell wedding bands work for chastity don't we?

If you must go alone. Be safe.

Park close to the door (and if needed ask for an escort when you leave)

Drink responsibly and do not get drunk. Watch your drink at all times.

Sit at the bar. Talk to the bartender, get to know them a bit so they can help you if needed.

Chat with people, but don't let them pressure you. There are a lot nice people out there who would like to hear your story and you might like theirs. Be open in that aspect. Smile, look around, notice things. Do not get tunnel vision. When the conversation takes a turn you don't like...redirect it. Make friends, you may meet them next time and you won't be there alone anymore. Don't be afraid to say you are not comfortable with where they are standing or sitting and suggest they move but keep talking. You are NOT a target

Know when to leave and as noted before if you need to ask for someone to escort you who works at the bar. Head up, eyes moving, and act like you know where you are going. In other words go with a purpose. Don't slink or creep or slump. Look confident.

Have fun. That is why you go out. Not just to say "I went out"

[josie_S]

everything above...most of the times ive gone out ive gone alone. but always to an event where i KNOW there will be other tgs...eventually i managed to make friends and while i still drove there and back by myself, i got to the point where i made plans to meet someone there. then we did the 'walk to the car together' thing at the end of the night. just be safe, thats my advice.

the only other thign id add is if you're worried about your makeup skills, maybe try and arrange a makeover? the difference is ASTONISHING (for me anyway) and if they're good, they'll tell you what they are doing and you can try some of their tricks later on your own. it's been an invaluable learning tool for me!

[sherri]

Try not to over-analyze or let paranoia get the best of you. It's a bigger deal in your own mind than in anyone else's. Just follow the common sense advice you're getting here, take a deep breath and go for it. You will get noticed, but you would even if you were with a group, and besides, is that a bad thing? I mean, wouldn't you like a little attention, meet people, interact a bit? It isn't essential (or all that desirable, imo) to pass, just that you come across as an attractive, confident, down-to-earth person out for an evening of socializing and fun. You might be completely ignored, or you might be invited to join a table, or you might even get hit on. It's all part of the game.

I've been doing this for years, and 99.9% of the time I'm the only CD in the joint, and I've never had a scary experience at a club. You also have to realize that it may take awhile for people to warm up to you. There were a lot of lonely nights for me, but I've persisted and it's paid off. Now I hear people calling out my name when I walk in, and even better, I'm beginning to be welcomed into people's lives away from the bar.

It's worth the jitters and off nights. Go for it gurl.

Oh yeah -- one more thing: I don't know about you, but I take all that blend in advice with a grain of salt. I say be yourself and wear what you feel good in, what expresses who you are. You don't want to wear anything too outrageous but there's no reason to be a wallflower either. One of my favorite bars is a lesbian hangout and honestly, most of them dress like crap imo -- baggy jeans and shorts, running shoes, ill-fitting tshirts -- well, you get the picture. If I had to dress like that to blend in, I'd rather stay home.

[pernille d]

thanks for the replys so far .

yes!!! sherrri, i intend to be my self but certainly not a wall flower ( not out going enough to get away with that as some can !!!) you can see on my profile i dont dress way out when out

thanks lorileath you opened my eyes to something i had not thought about and that is a single person looks avalable . that i can cope with probably best of all i think , I remember from my yonger days i just used to go out for many years on my own but boy was i lonely . i surpose looking back i just did what i did as i wanted to go out and had no one to go with and that still did not stop me then , so maybe this is no different now .

re safety
that is my least worry 1. i can handle my self and 2. Denmark is friendly and very safe and liberal ( but that still does not stop a drunk trying to have ago) . but its better always to be safe

[AKAMichelle]

I have always enjoyed going and watching movies at the theater, but when it comes to how to deal with people knowing perhaps this thread that I just posted might help.

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=134426

I am tired of being scared about people knowing that I am a guy. Most of them will know anyway. So if you aren't going to pass does it mean that you stay locked up in the closet. I just smile and say hello. "I just had them at Hello". :D

[StaceyJane]

Self confidence is the key.

It's what I use when I go out.

[SuzanneBender]

I would recommend Vegas, Paris, Rome, or Rio for your night out. I know wishful thinking.

If you can find a sis to fly winggal then I would. However, I have gone out many times by myself and I am sure I have been read at least as many. Key to success confidence. You deserve to be where you are no matter how you are dressed. Go out have fun shop, eat, drink (within reason) and be merry or the best version of Mary you can be. :heehee:

Make sure the bar is TG friendly. Heed Lori's advice. Remember your level of dress on the outrageous scale determines how much attention you will absorb.

Have fun!

[Chickhe]

It can be boring to hang around in a bar alone. Try to find a friend to go out with or plan in a few things...like wig fitting, makeover, shopping, photoshoot...or go watch a live band, movie, dinner...

[LisaTaylor]

Or, one thing some CD do is take a change of make clothes and stuff to clean makeup off if the situation really calls, like car breaks down and Bubba is coming in his tow truck to tow it back home.

I totally agree - I keep an "emergency" bag in the car for just these sort of unexpected problems. I haven't needed it yet...knock on wood.

Also, in my experience, if you feel comfortable and relaxed, you will blend in much better no matter where you go. It's when you feel nervous and uncomfortable that people tend to stand out like a sore thumb.

As always, be safe and have fun!

[pernille d]

i know its all about self confidence , and that has grown just so much in the last 3 weeks , i can easily step out of the car and enter the unknown , but this time there are many unknowns and its the not knowing that is a problem and i bet the biggest problem is in my head just now , so lets see how it goes as i ave 3 evenings so i must get something right on one o them ,

for those who say " dress to blend in " i am going to keep it simple and dress a bit like the attached photo or maybe the set with the leather jacket/ geeen skirt and a long armed top to cover my arms a bit more , i think its simple enough but any comments are welcombe

[prene]

WoW
I love the look.
You have great legs.

[eluuzion]

I have a parenting rule. It is also one I try and follow with all others in life. I do not offer advice because I can never posess the depth of information you have to analyze the issue. I try to avoid providing answers to questions regarding what people should or should not do. I "answer" by providing "options" that appear to apply to the issue.

It is up to the person with the question to make their own decisions.

On this one...

One option might be to focus on personal safety as a starting point.

[pernille d]

[ thanks . of cause saftey comes first "it must in this day and age"

i decded to test the water and go for an evening walk yesterday in the 2nd biggest city in denmark , It was late and dark but it was stil no problem ,it was really busy and i bumped into lots of people , from the ones that give the "stare" and those who look and look again, and youngsters (18 years olds) that just where giggleing before i even passed them ,so i smiled and laughed with them .and all was fine even passing a group of drunk guys was no problem.

it was not easy and i could have felt more relaxed as i i was very much aware of myself , i dont pass too well maybe 50/50 so most people dont even notice but what i did end up thinking more and more by the end of the night was that ,its my life and i dont care what others think

i still cant make up my mind if i can do it and go out to a bar this evening though !!!

One option might be to focus on personal safety as a starting point.[/QUOTE]

[AKAMichelle]

Bars to me are more stressful. I prefer a movie where once you get inside and the lights go down you are safe. Since you always need groceries, go buy some. Little outings to places where you know the lay of the land helped me the best early on.

[pernille d]

yes your right with bars, movie house etc. but i have it two ways because of who i am .

1. if i go in at the deep end then everything else will be easier (i am ok with all other challenges but this i see as a major boundary braking experience so i think i have to do it)
2. i am an old DJ and i miss so so much the music and club scene so just to go out to a bar and hear music again will be nice

lets see tonight , as i may loose my bottle and not even do it when it get down to the thin line

[carrie-ann]

Look go out. I'm 24/7. Stay in lighted areas. Second talk soft. Third walk slow keep feet close together. Fourth confidence confidence. Passable or not you'll be fine.

[msginaadoll]

Well first of all congrats at deciding to get out. As you said next is deciding where to go. Many gay/lesbian clubs are accepting of transgender individuals. You can always call the bar or club and ask. Also can ask if there are certain days/nights that more hang out. At one local club Saturdays is the big night. One thing I learned working on a a locked psychiatric unit is... Be aware of escape routes. Know that you can leave if you need to, that your not sitting at a table completely surrounded by others or, you can get off a bar stool quickly if needed. Be aware that you may get hit on by others.
For non bar situations my advise as others said is dress so dont stand out to much. Accept you wont pass, but be friendly to those youcome in contact with.

[jenifer m.]

my opinion is that a lot of girls put too much on how well they pass or present.i think i look pretty good but i never change my voice or act overly feminine.most folks know your a guy dressed as a woman,but treat you very kindly any way.most times when i go out weather with friends or alone im almost treated like a celebrity.people are all too hapy to see me/us comming.my advise is do every thing with confidence,and you will see that you will rarely ever be treated any differently than as you would in guy mode.iam speaking from over 11 months experience now,and can say that being out as a woman is truely liberating.good luck,and have lots of fun.

[pernille d]

well thanks for all the advice everyone ,but things did not go so much as planned.

i was really a mixed bag when i left home. i wanted so much to go out but felt i looked like a mess. so in the car on the way i just did what we should not do and thought too much about it which got me really frightend as i was 99% certain i would have been the only cd in the bar and on top of that i was alone and i am not totally at the care less stage yet . a tough one and too much for me to handle, so i never ended up in the bar :sad: , its a loverly evening so now i amnow at home sat on the patio and feeling a bit sad as i missed the only chance in years to go out .( but on the other hand i have learnt lot and my confidence has increased 100%)

i did park the car and walk around the town and bar area where i passed lots of people and window shopped and just got used to being out and have people look at me and get used to there reactions , but i surpose in a bar thats not the same as ouside you can just keep walking .
i still have to monday befre the wife is home so maybe i take in a movie or just go out during the day to somewhere tomorrow , who knows

thanks to you all your my only surport and all advice is well recieced

pernille

[Billijo49504]

I personally stay out of bars. But on the other hand, I love to shop. So it's off to the mall or to some of the specialty stores I like. And besides, not getting a hangover but some new clothes or shoes. That's my style...BJ

[Daphne S]

Pernille,

Sorry to hear that your evening didn't go as planned. We each go at our own pace, I suppose. You've already done way more than I can even dream of for myself right now; I haven't even been out of the house!