Mouse
06-22-2010, 01:15 PM
I've always known I was different, from way way back when I was a kid. I never liked getting my hands sticky or messy, I didn't like finger painting, or playing in the mud like all of the other boys. I was always very feminine, cried easily, more easily than boys should cry. I knew I was "different" around age 5, but I didn't know why.. I've always liked my long hair and long fingernails... and when I say long, I mean, REALLY long...
I was finally able to put my finger on it when I was about 17. I was scared about telling my girlfriend at the time, but she was bisexual so I thought she'd be okay with it if I told her that I was really a girl... we came up with the name "Kao" for me, but it didn't stick very well... so we changed it to Nicole, Nikki for short. She ended up hurting me worse than anyone else; told a lot of people herself, made fun of me behind my back... made me tell one of our mutual friends, because she thought it would be beneficial for me to tell other people, and that friend just ended up telling everyone else... so I stopped being Nikki. I couldn't deal with the rejection.
Mouse was really different, when I met her... sorry I still call her "her", I still consider her my girlfriend even though she's a FtM... she was open and hyper all the time, and I really wanted to tell her who I was but I couldn't. She wouldn't date me until I told her who I was... she had known for over two years and hadn't stopped talking to me... so when I told her who I was and why I was that way, she thanked me for telling the truth and we started dating...
She's the best thing that has happened to me. We share clothes, she'll go out and buy me panties and bras and skirts that she knows I'll like.. I've only gone out in public, to the mall, once, and it was horrible... we had let her one friend do my makeup, and she did a HORRIBLE job... I did manage to try on and buy a pair of shoes that were comfortable and fit me nicely. But I haven't ventured out since then... and now that we live with my mom, I can't dress or be a girl, and it's really affecting Mouse's and my relationship. We're working through it...
I guess I'm just writing this to get it off my chest. I've been closed up so much, for my entire life... It's good to say things.
What Nikki hasn't said is that she's been getting me to tell my friends *female friends* about her, because I think, in a way, she wants people to know but is just afraid of responses; so if I tell them about her, and they don't like it, she never has to see the rejection. So far, all of my friends have been totally okay with her, and we're thinking about having her dress and going out in public *in a different state* at the end of July, but she just needs a LOT of support. It's a convention where a lot of other people are going to be dressed up and looking different, and she doesn't realize that no one is going to make fun of her. I'm not going to push her into doing it if she really doesn't want to, but I think it will be beneficial for her to dress at this place because I know the people there; they're all about unity and respect, and would more than likely just hug her tons.
I was finally able to put my finger on it when I was about 17. I was scared about telling my girlfriend at the time, but she was bisexual so I thought she'd be okay with it if I told her that I was really a girl... we came up with the name "Kao" for me, but it didn't stick very well... so we changed it to Nicole, Nikki for short. She ended up hurting me worse than anyone else; told a lot of people herself, made fun of me behind my back... made me tell one of our mutual friends, because she thought it would be beneficial for me to tell other people, and that friend just ended up telling everyone else... so I stopped being Nikki. I couldn't deal with the rejection.
Mouse was really different, when I met her... sorry I still call her "her", I still consider her my girlfriend even though she's a FtM... she was open and hyper all the time, and I really wanted to tell her who I was but I couldn't. She wouldn't date me until I told her who I was... she had known for over two years and hadn't stopped talking to me... so when I told her who I was and why I was that way, she thanked me for telling the truth and we started dating...
She's the best thing that has happened to me. We share clothes, she'll go out and buy me panties and bras and skirts that she knows I'll like.. I've only gone out in public, to the mall, once, and it was horrible... we had let her one friend do my makeup, and she did a HORRIBLE job... I did manage to try on and buy a pair of shoes that were comfortable and fit me nicely. But I haven't ventured out since then... and now that we live with my mom, I can't dress or be a girl, and it's really affecting Mouse's and my relationship. We're working through it...
I guess I'm just writing this to get it off my chest. I've been closed up so much, for my entire life... It's good to say things.
What Nikki hasn't said is that she's been getting me to tell my friends *female friends* about her, because I think, in a way, she wants people to know but is just afraid of responses; so if I tell them about her, and they don't like it, she never has to see the rejection. So far, all of my friends have been totally okay with her, and we're thinking about having her dress and going out in public *in a different state* at the end of July, but she just needs a LOT of support. It's a convention where a lot of other people are going to be dressed up and looking different, and she doesn't realize that no one is going to make fun of her. I'm not going to push her into doing it if she really doesn't want to, but I think it will be beneficial for her to dress at this place because I know the people there; they're all about unity and respect, and would more than likely just hug her tons.