Out in the closet

[Inna]

As title might suggest I am still in the shadows of protection, hiding my secret from the world around. I have done it for so long I don't even remember life differently, but one year ago I couldn't keep the thought of transition from becoming as real as the girl in me. I broke down and succumb to her will, and started HRT. Million thoughts had pierced my psyche, how am I to handle my outside world, I will be rejected, shredded to pieces, thrown in the gutter, disposed off like some useless old piece of once comfortable equation. I couldn't bear idea of loosing my child's respect and so I dove back in the abyss. I am already loosing my wife of quarter century without slight mention of the event, however heart throbbing, such might prove positive in the long run considering transition. I do not want to be a burden and sorrow and yet I realize both are inevitable.

[AllieSF]

Alexia,

Welcome to the forum. There is a lot to read and learn here, including a special section for transexuals only. I can understand but not really appreciate all that you are going through and will have to go through to reach a peaceful conclusion. I would recommend that you take your time, don't rush major decisions, and there will be many, try to enjoy and celebrate all of your milestones, small and large, and do not be afraid to ask others, here and in the outside world for advice, counseling and, most important of all, are those occasional big bear hugs when needed. At times you may feel all alone, but just remember that on this site, TS/TG/CD/MtF/FtM's, as well as significant others (SO's) and genetic girls (GG's) have a lot to share and can become a very helpful support group for you. Good luck and please jump right in here as you have already started to do.

[Empress Lainie]

Welcome Alexia. Wish all of us had fairy tale endings, but as you already know, "it ain't easy!"

This is one of the best places I have been on the net to find support and answers.

My best to you in your efforts.

[JoAnne Wheeler]

I am so sorry that you are going through what I am. If you have read any of my recent posts, you can see most all of the pitfalls of transitioning - I think just about everything has happened to me because of my need to transition to be the woman that I was born to be.

If you need someone to talk to, I am here for you. I don't want to say that misery loves company, but I sure do have a laundry list of unpleasant things that we women have to endure.

Do not give up - we will make it.

JoAnne Wheeler

[Inna]

You are all awesome and thanks for inviting the little sobbing girl who is not so little. I am a member of another forum as well and had been there a while and I find this place as open if not more. I have met wonderful girls there as I am sure already, will meet lots of warm, sympathetic souls here. What amazes me most is our struggle to understand our selves. For all the things in the world which after detailed study for most are understandable this condition is unreal. For all my life I have asked the questioned then acted on it and did my homework, applied all the learned and NOTHING! Understanding does nor mean knowing! I at least know lots about gender disphoria and yet I can not come to peace with my self. Every time I feel relieved, life dumps a load, burying me whole back again. Is it ever going to stop?

[Teri Jean]

Alexia, welcome to our forum and hope we can help you as you go through your journey

Teri

[Veronica_Jean]

Alexia,

The only way to stop it is to allow you to love yourself for who and what you really are... a genuine person. I truly believe we are all born this way and it was not a mistake. It simply is who we are.

I do know your struggle as I like so many others have struggled with myself for over 45 years. I finally realized as I was preparing to tell my co-workers about my transition that I still felt like a freak, and wanted so desperately to find a way to explain that to everyone. It was at that point I realized I still had not made peace with myself.

I finally realized that I simply needed to find a place in my mind where I belonged and for me that was just accepting I was born, will live, and die a trans person. However, for me living the remainder of my life female is the most comfortable for me. At that point I found the battle inside stopped.

Of course, we are all unique and what worked for me is just that. I wish you well and hope you can find that one thing which will open your eyes and show you the path to your own peace.

:hugs:

Veronica

[Traci Elizabeth]

Welcome Alexia. There is much to learn here on this forum. There is also a lot you need to filter out and ignore.

In the end, use this website for what helps you and run from the things that don't.

Although sincere in desire to help, I would re-frame from communications with members who are down and out and feel their life has hit bottom. You need positive support and to surround yourself with folks who can lead you in a forward uplifting direction.

Sure it will not be easy, no one will tell you that but at the same time, it should bring you up not down. Transitioning into the woman you are, should only be the most rewarding experience of your entire life! Good luck! :hugs:

[pamela_a]

Welcome Alexia, there are a lot of really great girls (and guys) here. I understand your fears and worries but don't let what might happen keep you from doing what you need to be happy. IMO too often we spend too much time being afraid of what might happen, only to find our greatest fear never happened.

To be sure it's not an easy path, but it can be a beautiful one.

:hugs::hugs:

[Midnight Skye]

Hey Alexia! Love your name! Glad you found your way here, I really hope you enjoy yourself here or at least find it as a safeground for expressing emotional turmoil and chatting with others in the same bucket.

Everyone here is really great and helpful! Don't ever feel bashful about asking questions as this is a wonderful place for finding answers.

One more thing, big hugs to you and your little one!

[Hope]

I can not come to peace with my self. Every time I feel relieved, life dumps a load, burying me whole back again. Is it ever going to stop?

Welcome to the jungle.

Life will continue to dump on you. You can count on it. But you can learn to love yourself, and after you do that, you will view and handle the trials and tribulations of life in a lighter manner. It sounds like you are well on your way.

[sandraelizabeth]

Hi Alexia. I am new here too, this is my first post of any sort.
It is interesting that GID is a disorder that is basically diagnosed by the sufferer, yet we have to see a Psychiarist to have our diagnosis approved. Still, if that is what it takes to get what I want I will play by the rules.
Once the transition process is completed, I will be out of their clutches.
As to life dumping things on me, I guess it is all part of life's rich [-]tapesty[/-] travesty!

[Sandra Dunn]

Welcome Alexia.

Once I accepted who I am things started going a little better. There are some bumps in the road as with any travel you will hit a few yet for me by accepting who I am they are not so dramatic.

I told my children face to face about it. I did do somethings that a lot of girls have not done and one is a became a bellydancer; male type to start with then switched to female. The dancing gave an excuse to grow my hair, get ears pierced and a few other girly things.

I believe once you start to face you fears/concerns you'll find it's not such a scary place. I confronted a local hate group here and after that meeting I left with my mind swimming with the information the leader had tried to dump on me. A couple of hours of digesting and a little research I begin to feel really great about myself. I even posted it on the anti-hate group page on facebook which I know the leader monitors and thank him for helping me feel great about who I am. His ignorance help prove what I had been researching to be correct. Oh the research I do is based on a religious foundation.

Who'd be very surprized to what I have come across.

Take it one step at a time and move along the Transgender Spectrum slowly until you find your balance point.

HUGS Sandra Dunn