Finding your voice or, losing the old one.

[Dawn D.]

Please excuse me if I have placed this in the wrong area. However, I just felt this to be more of an "issue" in transition rather than a body image thing.

This is probably one of the, if not the hardest issue that we face in gaining acceptance and believability when we are living our lives in private and in public. It also may be the hardest part to change in yourself and have an ability to do something about.

For myself, over the last year and more that has been my RLE, I've worked pretty hard at finding my female voice. I am happy to report that it is still a search. However, it is developing! Whenever I am on the phone my voice is believable enough that over the last six month's I have not experienced an inappropriate pronoun response at all! I am always addressed as Ma'am or miss. Out in public, one on one encounters are just as respectful. You might think that, "well, okay then, you've made it!" Actually there's still some drama left.

You see, when it comes to friends, family and a very, very few customers, there are times that I will still use my male tone. And what I've realized from these conversations is that if I use my male tone, they treat me as a male and address me that way also (it's kind of weird, too, because they have no visible issues with me presenting as female). Yet, it's in these times that I find the most personal discomfort being in their presence. It took me a while to really put my finger on the reason why. I thought it was because all of these people knew me from when I was male and therefore they will still address me as male. Then it came to me as an epiphany; it's my voice they still recognize and react to!

One day, I had a conversation with one of my employees. He has been here with me since I came out in public. So he's seen me go through this process of RLE and has adjusted well to it, himself. Every so often he get's called aside from an old time customer and they ask about me (funny, they don't ask me directly). But anyway, nearly all the comments and questions are very reinforcing and positive. Except for one comment I heard relayed by him in our talk, "Well, he still sounds the same!" Not such a negative on the surface. And it wasn't meant to be a negative at all! But, it did cause me to face a realization. It's time to stop entirely, using my old male voice with everyone.

So, over the last few month's I've tried very hard to stay in my female tone. What's been surprising is the effect not only in how I have "settled" into a more natural tone (not so high in falsetto), however, it's been kind of amazing and surprising how my voice has accepted this change. Even more surprising, is the change in those people around me that before would indubiously call me, "he", "him" or "sir" now refer to me as "she" or "her"!

I actually am seeing how this approach is going to be a positive force for gaining more support from those last hold outs in my family too! My mother; whom has shown a limited yet welcome acceptance of me, has thus far refused to refer to me in a female pronoun. It will be interesting to see how my theory works out with her. She's been gone on a working vacation for the last couple months and I've only spoken with her on the telephone. Using only my female voice, I can tell even with her that she's starting to have a different perception regarding me. In speaking directly to me, she has only used my female name. So, I'm keeping my fingers crossed that when she returns next month and realizes that not only have I changed in appearance but, my voice is now all female, she might finally make the adjustment in her references.

So, what do you all think? Have you noticed any similar situations in your own lives and interactions? Thanks for your time!



Dawn

[hopingsecret]

Honestly, I've always been mistaken fo female over the phone and I've been told I have a very femmine voice, even when I wasn't trying to have one. If anyone is interested I'll post a link to one of my You Tube vids and let you judge for yourself.

[fireflyespiritus]

Well....I haven't I guess "officially" started transition yet, as I have to move first due to reasons with my father, but on going out 'dressed' people definitely respond differently. I can't hold up a voice for a very prolonged period of time, but I noticed based on that alone it was enough for my friend to unknowingly switch back and forth between pronouns throughout the night.

[Hope]

In her book "The Self Made Man" (http://www.amazon.com/Self-Made-Man-Womans-Journey-Manhood/dp/B001P3OMRS/) Norah Vincent relates how strangely people would look at her when she was interacting with them using typically female vocal patterns, and how her ability to pass went up to 100% when she learned to use male speech patterns.

I think we underestimate the effect that our speech has. It is easy to focus on what we see, and not pay nearly as much attention to the fleeting transitory nature of our speech... but I believe it makes a HUGE difference.

Because I have been sort of on-hold while I look for work, I have been focusing on the one thing I can do something about - speech patterns. Of course I can't really do a lot with voice outside of private practice, because lets face it, a big guy with a woman's voice would be weird among the most tolerant.

I have been reading "Language and Gender: A Reader" (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0631195955/) (it's a great text, but written for an academic audience, if that isn't your thing - this is definitely the deep end) and have been trying to apply some of what I have been learning to my own speech patterns. It's about the only thing left I can do... But recently while I have been looking for work, and finding a new place to live I have intentionally been "manning up" and dropping all of the "female" speech patterns. I can say there has definitely been a change in the way people perceive me.

[Nicole Erin]

Yes voice and speech pattern is important.
You can learn it, it doesn't cost a forutne in surgeries, it doesn't require a stupid letter from some therapist, you can practice whenever.

It is the one part of transition that is the most effective at the least cost.
It also seems to be the most neglected. I guess cause a lot of TS think you can just throw money at everything and become a woman.

[jamie_44]

I must say this has also been the most extremely difficult phase of my transition also. I only have one vocal chord working so surgery is too great a risk for me. I would also pass much better if not for the voice issue.

[Empress Lainie]

Just made sure I had not already responded to this thread, I think it was a similar one in another forum on CD.

I recently had a wonderful 2 hour conversation with a gg who out of the blue told me she was buying my breakfast, then came to talk with me. She was the 7am waitress where I had been meeting my friend for breakfast on Fridays.

I revealed myself as trans to her, which seemed to be a surprise to her. Before I left I said would you do me a favor, and she said certainly.

I said tell me if you had ever had any idea that I was trans from my voice before today. She said she never had.

I have noticed I get sir less frequently on the phone than I used to, but my mom got it 100%.

I have seen waiters say sir to gg's so I am no longer bothered if they sir me. I am after all obviously female.

So some time ago I just quit worrying about my voice. I hve done some things to raise the pitch and I guess it has worked. Of course any time you yell and scream like at your computer it ain't gonna sound girly!