The day or moment of revelation.

[Dawn D.]

I have read a lot of threads about how a person knew since they were very small that there was something different about themselves and later in life they figured it out that they are trans. I myself, am in that camp.

What I am curious about here is, at what point, what moment, at what event specifically did you know or suddenly realize that you were transexual and how did you feel once you had that revelation realized?

I'll start with myself.

The very moment I knew was in a thread I was involved in here at this site. It was in the crossdressers forum a bit more than three and maybe four years ago, in which I had been chastised by an admin over my thought processing! No, it's not her fault that I'm trans. It was what she said to me that caused me to reflect and come fully aware that my crossdressing at the time was something that meant much more than a pastime I simply enjoyed doing. Who I am was beginning to emerge, I could feel it. The debate in that thread became rather heated, I was told that I should buck up and essentially "take one for the team" when I expressed that I felt it not alright that I should not be allowed to dress up when someone was coming to visit my wife and I.

It wasn't the message that the admin was trying to convey to me that caused me to have this sudden realization. It was the very idea that what I was doing at the time could be considered in any manner, to be some type of a game (and I don't think that she meant it like that either); "Take one for the team!" It was then and there that I was hit full force between the eyes with the reality and at the time one of my worst fears. For now, I knew it was real and I needed to face who I was. At that moment, I was scared to death.

So how about the rest of you? Anything similar or maybe a completely different situation that caused you to face yourself in the mirror and ask, "who am I"?


Dawn

[pamela_a]

Excellent question Dawn.

I spent most of my life knowing something was "wrong" but never understanding what it was. Although I'd done some throughout my life, under-dressing mostly, early in my 40s I started cross dressing regularly and marveled at how natural presenting as a woman felt to me, how peaceful I felt. It progressed to the point several years later that I quit cross dressing completely; ALL of my clothing was women's.

Even at that point I felt something missing, incomplete. After spending many hours here and in other CD/TG forums I decided to see a gender therapist. That was Apr. 2009 and the rest is history. My therapist helped me understand and accept that it was OK to be me, to live as who I am. That realization opened the floodgates and in July 09 I started HRT and in August 09 I transitioned at work and started RLE living as me full time. Finally being happy and at peace with myself, I'm never looking back.

[Jorja]

I transitioned what seems like a lifetime ago. 30 years ago. Back then we didn’t have access to all the resources you have today. The internet wasn’t available. Gender Therapist were far and few between. I didn’t even know I was TG. I knew I was different from most other men because I wanted to be a woman. For me it wasn’t a sexual thing. Being dressed as a woman is how I felt most comfortable.
A friend and I went to a club one night dressed for a fun night of dancing. A fight broke out and I found myself cowering in a corner because the action was happening right in front of me. A young man stepped in front of me saying don’t worry Jorja I’ll protect you. At that moment, like a hammer hitting me between the eyes, I knew it was real. I am a girl. A few days later I started HRT and the rest is history.

[Karen564]

After reading what I wrote the 1st time here, I realized that's not really what you wanted to know... I wrote more about what I did after I found out..

But like I said before, I think I always knew, but never knew for sure until about 15 years ago when I started looking at journals of TS girls, and after reading many, there was one that I so related to so well because it all clicked & reflected my own feelings to the T.......... (get it ....T ....lol ) , and then I started comparing my thoughts to many other TS's & those that were crossdressers..

And to go into That further to hopefully be more clear what the above means is.........
Starting at the age of 4 & 1/2, I Knew something was wrong, but just not sure what it was...because lets face it, what the hell does a 4 or 5 year old know about anything!, since I was just learning the alphabet & how to write my name, so I certainly never knew what a transsexual was in 1965...lol

So I didn't know what I was, but I knew how I felt....and couldn't even say at that age I knew I was a girl, but I KNEW I didn't fit in with the boys..
Then by the age of 5, while in 1st grade, I knew then I felt more like a girl inside and that's when my nightmare began because I knew I was born a boy.... after that right up to just before puberty hit me, I strongly felt all girl inside..but for show, I put up a boy front...even though by then I had been crossdressing at every chance I had prior to that....then after the T started, I went through a very rough period with that emotionaly...and then I just thought I was a crossdresser up until 15 years ago, because I thought this what all crossdressers felt inside, since I had no real knowledge what transsexuals really were, even though I heard of Christine Jorgensen & Renee Richards, I just thought they were crossdressers like me, but had an operation to make them a woman..lol
So like I said before about when I read the journals of TS women & then reading the journals of CDers, & all the medical journals, I then recognized that I couldn't relate at all with how the Cders felt compared to my own thoughts..but could completely relate with how the TS's thought..

And my feeling at the time of that revelation was a big O Shit ! , I'm a F ***ing TS......and like oh fu**ing great, S**t, it F **ing figures....so to say the least, I was NOT happy to find this out about what I was...because I knew what may have to happen down the road after reading all those journals, ...and Not happy about it, because I was already married & just had my 1st child...and could feel my feminine self getting stronger by the day, so I continued to fight it & went into denial but continued CDing....but years later the marriage went downhill..which led to the separation & then divorce.....even my wife never knew about my secret...until after the divorce.

So like I've said many times before, I never wanted this...but after I finally accepted this incurable condition & myself, I've been fine with it..because in the end, I really had no other choice except to change my body to match the mind and live as one, rather than leave this world prematurely....and now going on a year living as Karen full time, I'm so happy I stuck around, because for once in my life, I'm finally happy..

[Inna]

Hey Dawn, yes I am as well a member of the "who the h... am I" team. I believe age 5-7 I knew I was different but somehow not a girl all the way but floating back and forth between the set points of gender identity and then in 2nd year of high school on my way back home, while walking along city streets an overwhelming flood of feminine emotion and identity came over me. I knew then I was in the wrong body it all suddenly, in a blink of an eye made sense. One of the most pleasurable moments of my life was to finally know, and then day later one of the most dreadful moments, realizing it ain't going to work.
It took me another 30 years of bouncing around to finally succumb to inevitable. I know of a leading therapist whose ideas are brake through and cutting edge, he sees all the aspects of gender disphoria weather CD, TG, TS etc are different stage/face of the same identity condition. Just as artistic expression in music is not limited to just one theme same goes for transgenderism. Some may cope and be just fine in skimming the tip others must dive into the deepest abyss to feel one and whole.

[Bree-asaurus]

I knew I was different all my life and that I always had to pretend to be someone I'm not. Occasionally I would think about being trans, but I never thought too hard about it because I'm very VERY good at repressing things. It wasn't until last year that I started questioning myself. I was the only one that knew my true self, and my secrets (like crossdressing). I never had to really think about it or question myself because I never had to explain myself to anyone. It wasn't until my friend caught on to my crossdressing that I came down the path of self-realization.

It sounds weird, but even though I was crossdressing in private, I never really accepted it or questioned it. But once my friend found out, I was like "OMG I'm crossdressing! WHY?!" At that point I started questioning my sexuality because I never was really attracted to girls and my two relationships were both shams. One was an obvious charade, and the other, while I loved her, I was never into the sex or anything. So I realized that OMG I wasn't ever going to be straight like I had been hoping for most of my life. So I came out as gay. And being with men was so much more awesome than being with women. I would actually get lost with them, where as with women I was always fully aware of what I was doing and always calculating what I should be doing.

So there, I liked men! But something still wasn't right. I had reoccurring thoughts that I might be transexual and I was getting really depressed. So I started seeing a therapist. I kept going back and forth, between feeling like I am, but being to scared to accept it. We talked for several sessions and then I made the conscious decision that NO I AM NOT TRANS. That worked for about a month. I called my therapist up and told him "yeah, we can't rule out the trans thing." I think it was at the end of that month, after trying to deny it after having explored it so deeply. After being educated on the subject an understanding why my life has been the way it was, after realizing what I have been hiding from my entire life, and still trying to repress it and it just wasn't working. I couldn't deny it anymore.

Since then I've gotten on anti-depressants, have continued seeing my therapist, frequent a local trans-group and have come to grips with who I am. I have become a far happier person and am at the very start of the long road to transition.

[Faith_G]

When I was 15 or 16 I found out that transitioning was possible, and my reaction was "Oh crap, I don't want to have to do that!" So I fought for another 20 years...:bonk: The second epiphany came after living at home as a woman for about 2 years. I would come home from work and get changed, and I rarely went anywhere because I would rather have been at home as a woman. I had been identifying as a closeted CD because it felt "safe." One day I realized that this behavior was crippling my life, and that if I was "just" a CD I probably would have got bored and taken a break by then. It took another few months to sort out what it all meant to me and to accept what I had to do, but at last I knew who I was.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I enjoyed reading the stories...this concept (the way we think of ourselves as we grow up) is fascinating to me..

i can't pick a moment..i feel like a juggernaut just came and swept over me...

when i reflect back, everything is so much clearer.. i handled this through mind games and self delusion...it all fell apart over the last 10 years, but one moment that sticks out for me is about 3-4 years ago, i went to a group meeting, and was invited out to a chinese meal with 5 post op ts women...and me..

i sat there is my sunday support group dress, and listened to the conversation and just thought OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this is me..this is possible...maybe the best way to say it is that at that moment, reality set in...

[carolinoakland]

And this is where we help the girl who's reading this for the first time and realizing with a sinking feeling AND a rush of joy..." Hey! That's me!"

I fall into a little from column A and a little from column B.

I spent all of my life just not getting it, pediatrician's have a term... "Failure to thrive."
That was me, for no good reason I just couldn't...live.
I did everything I could to PROVE that I wasn't TS, because if I was I didn't think I was the person strong enough to do anything about it. There were many times when I should have really listened to the words I was saying to myself or feelings. Like how depressed I got after my first CD convention where I lived en femme full time for three days. I didn't want to go home and be that guy anymore. But I did. But I guess the real moment for me came at the end of the relationship that I thought was my CD dream. A TS woman who I loved dearly and knew who Carol was and I didn't have to hide her. Even while being drab. And when we broke up ( I will never talk about it) I realized I couldn't go back to 'pretending'. I had struggled with...

" Am I CD or TS? one way or another I have to settle this..."

So I went to a gender therapist, and was diagnosised GID. After 12 weeks she recommened HRT which I started in Nov 08. That first dose was like communion..." I'm going to be a woman now" And as I started to finally feel right I knew I'd been avoiding myself. So, I filed name change documents in Dec 08, but the court date was SIX MONTHS away! I couldnt' wait that long... So, at the end of Jan 09 I began RLE and became the first in my union's history to transition, and became a role model to other trans people I didn't even know at the time! And at every step of the way now I wake up and DON'T feel agony or sorrow for waking up a male. Life is exciting when you live it, and everyday is like the first day of school and I'm so excited about all the new people that are going to meet Carol for the first time...Life is Good.

[Ze]

I definitely came out to myself later rather than sooner for reasons I won't go into here. There was actually no defining moment from "I am not" to "I am." Rather, it took me years to slowly and gently come out to myself until finally, about 1.5-2 years ago, I admitted it to myself, even though I'd already known deep down. (Contradictory, I know.) Nevertheless, my exact reaction was, "Oh shit."

Ever since I came out to myself, I've had a flood of memories that were plain as day about both my gender identity and my sexuality long before I came out to myself. It's incredibly sad to realize how hard I was suppressing myself.

[Thornton]

I've had a number of defining moments in my life.

The first one was while I was about 4 or 5 and my mom was watching Jerry Springer and they had Transsexuals on the show that day. Of course, being Jerry Springer, the producers picked the most obnoxious, trashy, probably drug-addicted MTFs they could find and put them up against an equally pathetic audience. It was a whole bunch of "you're a freak!" "Talk to the hand!" and bleeping; it didn't teach anything about the transsexual community except that is has very unfortunate stereotypes. But I remember seeing that show and being filled with hope, thinking, "Really? I can really fix my mistake? It's really possible?"

Of course, I was still trying to repress who I knew I was, and I didn't really come out to myself again til around age 13. I was a girlscout then, a ridiculously tomboyish one who was trying to force herself to want tobe with a boy, when all she wanted was to be a boy. Anyway, my troop decided to take a trip into Boston one sunny summer afternoon in June. What we didn't realize was, it was Gay Pride day! As we tried to get from destination to destination, we were bombarded with so many rainbows and colors and happy, gender bending people from all racial, socioeconomic backgrounds, from all corners of New England. It was great. I remember we were trying to cross the street, but we couldn't seem to find a break in the parade. Eventually, these dudes in togas stopped in the middle of the parade for some reason. My troop leaders thought, "great, a time to cross". but then, the toga dudes ripped off their togas, exposing themselves in absolutely nothing but speedos, and the crowd goes wild, and I just start laughing. It was the best laugh of my life. I was surrounded by all these people and I remember thinking, "I don't know what I am, but I am definitely NOT a straight girl, and that's ok."

The third time was not too much longer in Highschool. I was a freshman in band camp. There was this other kid there, an upperclassman who played bells. I could not for the life of me figure out the gender of this bell player. This person had a male angular face, kind of tall, flat chest, and a low voice, but it was a really soft voice. That, and this person had long hair, wore heels, was very popular with the girls, and had every female mannerism down to an art. For about 2 weeks, I filp flop in my verdict of this bell player's gender. "It's a boy. No, a girl. No, a boy. No..." Finally, I decide, "It's a girl". A day or so later, out band director calls, "Jeff!" and this very same bell player goes running (very gracefully) over. I remember thinking, "Holy shit. That's the most amazing thing I've ever seen. I HAVE to be that passable by the time I'm an upperclassman."

And, I'll cut myself off here. Sorry for the long stories.

[Cindi Johnson]

Like many here, I cannot recall a time when I didn’t think I was a girl, or wanted to be a girl, or at least thought I should have been a girl. Yet in my time, growing up in the 50’s and 60’s, about all I could find in the library was books or magazine articles about transvestites. So, I thought, I’m a transvestite, a crossdresser. I got on with life: married, family, dog, all that and more. But still, something felt very wrong….

So, when did I decide I was probably TS? Well, I went to a crossdresser meeting, Tri-Ess type of thing, and the crossdressers there were not like me. They would talk at length about their work, about sports, the latest electronics, cars, etc. WHAT??? I STILL DIDN’T FIT IN!!! It was only then I realized what I was.

Later, I reinforced my identity as a girl by discovering the wonder of hormones (never via legal means) and taking a retail job at which I regularly wear blouses, women’s shoes, nail polish, foundation, mascara, etc., etc., while befriending many of my female co-workers. At last, I feel I somewhat fit in.

Cindi Johnson

[Hope]

I was 5.

I was laying in bed, (in one of my mothers nightgowns of course) and I decided then and there that I was going to have a sex change when I grew up. But that involved surgery, and I was pretty afraid of surgery... so I resolved to simply pray and wish and maybe I would wake up in the morning a girl. It didn't work.

Unfortunately puberty hit me hard, and i sprouted up to over 6' in about 6 months time and developed a voice that a few years later made my high school choir director yank me out of some other class to fill out his bass section. Oh yeah - and I also learned that wanting to be a girl was not OK. And so some where I decided that a sex change was not an option for me, and I pushed it out of my head.

Well... like a lot of us, I eventually realized that no matter how hard I pushed it would never go away. And so I decided, not to long ago, a little over a year, that I had given up enough of my life being miserable, living the lie. I decided I needed to be out with my wife, and my friends and explore what this meant for me.

As soon as I can find a decent gig, I will be getting laser and hormones... and who knows what else... But it is about time I live my life.

[~Emma D~]

Not sure if I ever had a revelation. It was so long ago, I have no idea when I knew, I just knew I suppose.

I know realise that I was naïve, and the world didn’t work the way I thought it did in the 1970’s.

I had no idea what being transsexual meant, I don’t think I’d even heard the word, and then I saw a movie on TV called 'I Want What I Want’ about a young TS girl in a Northern England town in the 60's. That was me 100% - I knew then I was not the only person like this anymore and perhaps I had some hope. I called myself Emma back then, not Sarah.

I’ve written enough about what happened when I came out to my parents at 17 – but, I don’t regret it for one second, it was who I was. That day, I knew I was different – I wasn’t ashamed, I just wanted to be me. Pity, that others didn’t see it the same way.

So much has happened since, and I’m no further forward as I was that day so long ago.

[Deborah_UK]

Like so many others I can recall knowing at the age of 5 or 6 that I desperately wanted to be the girl I felt myself to be, even though I couldn't articulate it back then. I prayed every night that God would put right the wrong of my birth - but obviously those prayers were not answered.

In my teens I began to accept I was a crossdresser, denying my true feelings.

There was no one defining moment in my later life where I suddenly decided - it just happened, fortunately I had some good support when the inevitable happened - to be true to myself.

[Rianna Humble]

I'm one of those who cannot really point to one specific instance, I remember going to bed at the age of 8 and saying "god, if you exist let me wake up as a girl" but it didn't work.

Later on I repressed the whole idea, but I could never relate properly to being a boy or doing the things that boys do.

As time went on and I tried to bury things even deeper, I could never feel easy with myself. Although when I was in my twenties, I wanted to get married, I could not envisage myself as the man in the relationship.

In my forties, I pushed it as deep as I could, because of my prominent role in local society. Even then I would still dream of being a woman, but I told myself "if you're this ugly as a man, think how ugly you would be as a woman and no-one likes an ugly woman...". Its easier to lie to yourself than to admit the truth.

About 18 months ago, I got to the point where I was losing sleep and the will to live, so I eventually gave in and admitted to myself that I was a cross-dresser, but I still lied to myself that I was not transsexual - even though I told people whilst I was dressed that I had to "cross-dress as a man for work".

Somewhere about a year ago, I started to think that I needed to transition, but when I joined this site last October, I was still not really ready to commit to the fact that I am transsexual.

That changed around Xmas time with a combination of things including a GG telling me that she thought I would be more comfortable in a dress than a suit and the realisation that every time I had to put on drabs, I was feeling physically sick.

[Kimberly Marie Kelly]

Most of my life I felt different, but could not fully understand or identify what it was. I cross dressed and felt the things that may transgendered people felt, but I just didn't know exactly what was wrong. I cross dressed, had issues dating and relating to woman when younger, disliked my body but just wasn't sure. Got married and these feelings persisted, in time was divorced and found Crossdressers.com, then I started reading stories and hearing of experiences and began to understand some.

But it was an Office Halloween party that was the epiphany, that moment for me. I dressed up as IT Jane, a sexy IT woman and I felt so normal that day. With that and the experiences I read, I came to realize that I was Transsexual. That was the beginning of my transition. Since then I've started hormones, changed my name and went full time. I've made so many new friends and so far have not lost any either. I'm finally the person I was meant to be. Kimberly Kelly :battingeyelashes:

[Allyson Michelle]

for me it was never clear till about 1 month ago! I had been in and out. Allyson pulling me one way and Ryan pulling me in the other direction. battling inner demons, wanting to do what society expects of a man, but knowing i cannot suppress this forever. I have learned from the pioneers in transsexualism. learned that if this is who i am, then i need to get to steppin early before i do meet somone and have a family, then let that family down by coming out. This definitely ain't something you want to pick the pedals off a flower to find out. you really need to accept yourself before others can accept you.

I am Allyson and I'm in the wrong body! I intend to fix this!

as of right now i am awaiting employment at Sheetz. once hired, will use the money/insurance to see a gender therapist and begin my transition into Allyson.

So in short, My realization was last month.

P.S. totally random but why do people usually use the female variation of their male name. like Albert/Alberta or Victor/Victoria. Its soooo cliche. :2c:

[Byanca]

Never had a revelation. I just know that it would be more pleasant for me. Motivating. More right. I'm passive, for the most part. So after I had a guy practically jump me, and take me home while out. Open doors. And be really on, said I was so pretty, and that he was in love. I kinda realized I liked everything about it. And I was walking on clouds for a week or something. I wish I could have it like that all the time. Really sweet. I smiled, and it was a long time since last time. But that was I guess the last nail in the coffin for the hope for a normal a4 man, women, children and stationvagon lifestyle, at least unless I did/do something. And I don't do things, as I'm passive, I want other people to do things, and take care of me...

[Teri Jean]

Dawn, it is good to hear there are different reasons or circumstances that bring us to that moment where we realize we are trans. For me I knew from an early age there was these desires that I could not explain but could hide and then after a lifetime of service to our country and marriage, fatherhood and being widowed I "allowed those feelings to come forth. Once that happened the gates were open to the flood waters and the rest is history, colorful, but still history. The passing of my wife was in reality the key to the door and although it sounds like an excuse it really isn't. Would things be different if she had survived the accident(?), probably but for how much longer I do not know.

[Traci Elizabeth]

My story is quite different than most I suppose.

I never though there was something wrong, strange, or odd about me. I just felt very content and happy about my femininity. Being feminine just came natural.

I started "secretly" dressing in girl's/woman's clothes at a very early age (between 5 or 6) and have done so all my life and up until last year when I came out to my wife. Now I openly dress full time.

As far as my femininity, I have always associated myself with girls when young and woman as an adult. My playmates as a child were always girls. As an adult, almost all my friends (except two males a long time ago) have been women.

I have always preferred female activities. As a child I played jump-rope with the other girls, hop-scotch, had tea parties, and just spend day-in-day out with girls.

My 10 month younger brother was all boy and played all the typical boy things of the time: Cowboys & Indians, soldiers, superman, stick ball, etc. But I was no where to be found at such activities.

As strange as it is and a seemingly contradiction, I have spent all my professional career in very male dominated activities not because I was tying to suppress my femininity but because I was following a long rich family history of very senior career military officers and several generations of related non-uniform international involvement afterwards. But even during all those years, I relished my femininity and my female relationships.

Even today, I only call myself a TS or tans-woman just to have a means of communicating to others. There has never been a remembered moment in my life that I did not think of myself simply as female and enjoyed being such.

These days under HRT, I am even in a much happier place.

I always knew I had a male body and was consider a boy/man but that never negatively affected me either. It was just my physical facade. I knew who I really was.

When I read all of the touching and heart-wrenching threads on here, I drives home just how "lucky" I am to be so content with who I am.

I have no answer as to why I embraced my femininity with such gusto, I just did. It naturally came from within.

[Sandra Dunn]

Like most I was about 3 or 4 when Irealized somethings not right and the struggles begin. Like many I went into survival mode after things got heated. Once I was told I had to go out for football and when I showed up in the locker room I sat there crying my eyes out for about an hour; the coaches didn't know what to do with this girl in their locker room. I made a real good bench warmer for about two years and finnaly was able to get out of it.

Later after moving out I was occupide with school and work; then a marriage. I did find myself reading what I could find at the time about this thing we have. I did the little crossdressing and purging thing for a number of years and yes it came back stronger each time.

Then about ten years ago we got the internet and my world opened up; it's amazing what you can do with knowledge. At this time I am on my second marriage and she know about my being Transgender before the marriage. I found and use the Transgender spectrum concept where as we all know is the sliding scale of the TG community with the one article of clothing to the post op-trans. I speak of the spectrum when I can to help others to understand us a little bit better and I can tell by their reactions that it does connect some of the dots.

I have been looking for my balance point for some time as I go along the spectrum and now I am at the beginnings of transitioning. I got to the point where I did not like living in two worlds. I am tired of having to schedule everything with changing time, having to change three or more times in a day from male to female, trying to keep who knows and who doesn't know straight in my mind, having to suddenly after seeing someone who does not know about me changing direction or leaving, having to regret a wonderful weekend in all girl mode to Monday back into boy mode and so on. I am just tired of not being able to be me all the time, having to hide things when someoone comes to visit and having to change plans at the last minute because someone came for a visit.

I wonder if I could change would I want to change to being a "straight male". I can not kill myself, I can not think of being anything but a woman. As I stated earlier I am in the beginnings of transitioning and as many od you stated it is the right thing for me to do. I am taking this slowly and I am hoping that my spouse will stay with me yet I understand where she is coming from. As much as I would like to be the man of her dreams I can not imagine what I would become if I killed myself.

I used that man to survive all these years and now I have the chance to be free to be me. This is the summer of change for me. It is amazing just how many people do judge you by your outward appearence; up until recently few people knew who I was. It is amazing how the survival mechanisms works; I nearly lost myself, anger is a really bad thing.

I am a woman and I am going forward and I will loose some freinds yet there are news to be made. I will loose a family member or two and that is sad; yet if they passed that is sad, so in a way I might loose them earlier then the natural way and is a loss I must be ready for and hope that they will accept me. I am not counting on their support and in fact I will here about how bad a thing it is I do to them and not what it does for me.

HUGS Sandra Dunn

[Empress Lainie]

I always knew from 3 or 4 even maybe that I was different from other boys and I didn't even like boys at all. I played with the girls at recess, jacks mostly, but sometimes just having conversation with one girl. The teachers thank gods never bothered me and the girls accepted me.

Then in 2006 my a/c compressor went out and I met Michelle, my trans mechanic. I kept trying to date her even though I still wasn't sure she was trans. I really didn't care I liked her so much.

One day she called me and said there is a meeting I am going to that you might like. So I said OK and met her there.

It was my first transgendered group meeting , and the first time I was referred to as SHE, and it felt so right.

That night, July 2, 2007, I sat and reviewed my life and realized that I was indeed meant to be female, I could see it all through my life, in spite of being married 3 times and having had 3 kids with my first wife.

I had also had some very maternal feelings in 2006 at a Christmas party where I spent 3 hours playing with a 3 year old boy, instead of spending time with the adults.

I resolved that night to never again live one day as a male. Six months later my name and gender marker was legally changed and I immediately started taking hormones on my own.

I live in stealth mode, never revealing I am not a gg.

(So laughingly - it was all my car's fault!)

[karen1562]

I think I knew the moment that I found the definition of what it meant to be transgendered. I know we're talking about being TS here, but let me explain. December 2008, I'd been looking for information for awhile within my work organization. Then as I found more information about gender from our HR dept, I started looking up what it meant to be transgendered. I found TGLife.com and I just remember thinking, this is exactly what I've been looking for my whole life. I felt as if for the first time ever, I fit. I wasn't weird, or warped, or any other negative, but instead, I belonged to a group - a group that had a name. I remember coming out to my about my discovery. She already knew that I crossdressed, but this was a whole new ball game. I remember her asking me if I thought I would go through it all the way (getting SRS) but since I was scared about where the news might lead our relationship, I said what I felt like I had to. I told her that I didn't know where it might lead. And when she asked if I was just going to dress up for Halloween, or only once in a while, I told her again that I didn't know. But I knew. I knew then, that I wasn't satisfied with just dressing up once a year, or once a month, or even once a week. I knew that at the very least, that I wanted to dress MORE often than LESS often. And once I started dressing more, it just grew to the point where I knew that the cross dressing was only the tip of the iceberg. That I didn't just want to dress like I woman, I wanted to be addressed like a woman, live like a woman day and night, with family, with friends, to drive my car as a woman (not hiding in my house), go grocery shopping as a woman, to simply live and die as a woman. I think that's when I knew for sure that I am TS.

[Dawn D.]

Ohh my gosh! Such wonderful responses. Thank you all for the terrific input and heartfelt sharing that one is able to read here! To be sure, as a TS friend of mine told me early on after my own self-realization and determination to transition, "there is no one, right way to do it"; the same can be said, in that 'there is no one way in which we knew or found out, who we are'! There are a lot of strong similarities between some of the personal glimpses into your lives from one person to another. As well as a lot of strong similarities I've read that fit in my own life!

I am envious of some of you. Those that knew exactly what it was that you felt from such a young age. Even if you weren't able to act upon that which you knew yourself to be, you still had an answer that you could get right to when the time was right for you to do so. As for myself, I identify more with the, 'I always knew there was something different about me, but, wasn't sure what it was' group. I think, had I known exactly what it was much earlier in my life......well, let's just say if there is such a thing as parallel universes, I know that I am a lot happier at a much younger age.

Again, thank you all for sharing!


Dawn

[Pattie O]

I am a lifetime crossdresser and the last 2 years I have been dressing more and more.I am in my late 40s and I also have been waxing and slowly been coming out(baby steps).The problem is I am too scared to continue the journey without my families approval and I am retreating and I think it is now that I fully realise that I must be TS because it is stressing me so much not to move forward and have to stay in the closet!