Very Confused

[stephanie1000]

Well Ladies,

Went out for awhile tonight for a little Steph time, and i have been thinking long and hard as to what i want in life. Caught in a dilema as i have a wonderful wife... 2 beutiful little girls and then thier is me... Mixed up Male who wished he never been born this way... i only want to make my family happy, but finding the more i try to do the right things for them... the further and further into a depressed state i fall.

I find myself Yearning to become a full fleged women, but by doing this i lose my wife (and great friend) and the children that mean the world to me. It has gotten to a point where i think maybe i would be better off not being around. The constant looking for friends to connect with is also a drain on me as want to spend time with other ladies like myself but getting so tired of looking for like women, as many are into searching for varieties of different relationships (i.e. Dateing and even more) where i just wish for friendships.

Let me know if this sounds familiar and let me know if you have any advice as to what i should do to attempt to tame my mood swings as they get pretty bad from time to time.

[ErikaLeigh]

As someone who is married and has 2 kids, its a tough road to hoe. I dont want to transition, but I do need my Gurl time. My wife and kids mean too much to me to just give it all up anyway. Ending is not a good solution, it may seem like a way out, but just imagine the torment your wife and kids will go through. I know a lady that lost her husband to suicide, her and her kids had it very hard for several years, and its still not great for them. So PLEASE reconsider that part.


Ok.... on to the next part. Does your wife know about Stephanie? If so can you talk to her about it? I went through a very rough period where I thought I had to stuff everything and not talk to my wife about it because I didnt want to upset her. Now that I can openly talk about this with her at has really taken a burden off of me.

If she doesnt know then you need to consider if you should tell her. I went 14 years of my married life before she found out. I was afraid to tell her for fear of losing her, and thats a very real possibility for many of us, but if the marriage is strong then its probably not going to be a deal breaker.

There does need to be boundaries though. If your wife is OK with you dressing then you need to talk to her about when and where, set up boundaries and keep them, she may want to spend time with her hubby, not stephanie.

[Jessica798]

If your not open about it with your wife, maybe you should tell her? That might help. If you are open and she just doesn't except it, then things are more complicated. I would recommend both of you meeting with someone who can help who has experience with such things. I know its hard to take that step sometimes, but you will be happy you did. *hugs*

-Jessica

[prene]

#1) see a therapist

#2) wait it out - You have two kids. They should be #1 not you. Who brought them int this world? You will be amazed how fast the time will go by. After they have left the house do what you want. Heck I sound like "Dr Laura" but I think she is right. In the long run I know you will not regret it.



Well Ladies,

Went out for awhile tonight for a little Steph time, and i have been thinking long and hard as to what i want in life. Caught in a dilema as i have a wonderful wife... 2 beutiful little girls and then thier is me... Mixed up Male who wished he never been born this way... i only want to make my family happy, but finding the more i try to do the right things for them... the further and further into a depressed state i fall.

I find myself Yearning to become a full fleged women, but by doing this i lose my wife (and great friend) and the children that mean the world to me. It has gotten to a point where i think maybe i would be better off not being around. The constant looking for friends to connect with is also a drain on me as want to spend time with other ladies like myself but getting so tired of looking for like women, as many are into searching for varieties of different relationships (i.e. Dateing and even more) where i just wish for friendships.

Let me know if this sounds familiar and let me know if you have any advice as to what i should do to attempt to tame my mood swings as they get pretty bad from time to time.

[stephanie1000]

yes sorry forgot to mention that part, my SO knows of my dressing and says she is comfortable.. but deep inside i know she isn't. and just to make it clear i would never take my own life for my selfish needs, Daughters and my wife so very important to me. Just that i get the urge to just be Stephanie and that pressure tends to just build up so much sometimes don't know how to control.

Thanks for listening and replying ladies you all are good for me :)

[Freddy12]

Your wife says that she's OK with your dressing. Why doubt her? She may have some reluctance because it is a difficult road to travel down, but why not trust what she says? What more could she do? Perhaps YOU are the one who is not completely accepting the fact that you don't fit society's model of a husband and father.

Do see a therapist.

[noeleena]

Hi. Stephanie,

Iv been through the hell of it all & i can tell you its the hardest thing to do. & Jos has as well . our grown up kids have in an other way ,

Jos, lost, if i ever was a male, ment to be . lover well 24 years out of 37. husband & man about the house .

Kids lost thier father head of the house hold, the one they looked up to ,
A resposability that i should have known was mine yet none of this was real for me you try to be how your brought up yet in the end i failed because i was not wholey a male,,
i was / am allso a woman in the sence of what a female is as you grow.

we are still to gether as two ( use of word ) normal women thats all , friends if you like .
Our kids they know & have accepted with the heart ache of .( wheres my dad ) hes a woman & all ways was just did not & could not show who she was .
Put all that in to the mix of a marrage & yes you have problems ,
Wev got through it over 8 years of hell, so far out of 12 from the time i told Jos i was / am a woman .

advice oh dear , you know your self better than any one & youll have to dig so deep to find what you need to carry on with who you are,

Your s o , will no dought help you yet will not understand what you are going through so bring her in to every thing you do, your kids tell them or let your s o help as well do your home work & get it right youll only have one go at this ,
Yes you may lose every thing your s o & kids just plan on that then no surprises. at the lose ,
The other side you may have some of your family back you up just dont bulldose them
Get some help get friends around you & your family bring friends in & let them be a part of what you do tell them ,
So far its taken 12 years & wev still a ways to go . with one son & his family ,
just think time & lots of for others to come to terms with you & who you are

Okay what worked for us , may not work for you look up on the net my name , that may help .
All the best for all of you

...noeleena...

[danielle.cd]

well i have these feelings too, i have two sons that look up to every thing i do and a wife whom i love so much , my sons are 6, twins and i really somedays want to be a women that never goes away even in guy mode i have the feeling deep down that im gana be someday, for now till the boys get older im dressing when i can and have little outside adventures far from home, now when the boys get older im gana tell them but for now theres no need they would tell everyone even my family witch im very close with and there very religius and would give me the what for, now untill the time comes to let the know my wife and i have a deeper conection that just the two uf us can share, she wasnt to keen on it either but has gotten used to it, even to say stuff like i like those shoes there even your size, and little coments like that, i dont think ill loose my sons at all ill always be there dad, same with your daughters, what would u doo if they wanted to do the same still be there for them right, kids now adays see everything not like when i was groing up and im 30,

[Loni]

I am not married....now. but the kids come first. make them happy, provide them what they need in/for life. your want/needs will take of them selves.
and yes time will fly by as you have fun with your wife and children.
in time you will know what to do, just wait it out a number of years it will have bumps dips and great highs.

for what it's worth this is my 2 1/2 cents worth.

take care
Loni
.

[sherri]

wait it out - You have two kids. They should be #1 not you. Who brought them int this world? You will be amazed how fast the time will go by. After they have left the house do what you want.Absolutely. Get a grip. :)

[Farrah]

Hi Stepanie. I'm kinda in the same dilleamma. However, my wife is clueless of my dressing. There are times when I just wanna leave and be the female I would love to be. However, I have 3 wonderful children and an adoring wife that keeps me stable. I love to dress, but for now, since I have to choose, I choose my family. As a result, my dressing comes far and in between. Yes, that is torture, but it would be even more torture for me to lose my family. I hope this helps a little.

Know that you have the support here that you need . I hope everthing works out for the best....

Hugs, Farrah

[Katesback]

Sounds like a really hard place to be. The interesting thing is if you REALLY are a woman then the bell has just begun to ring. There is a good chance that the longer you wait the more difficult it will be to pretent to be this guy you know you are not.

[Stephanie Miller]

Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. You can borrow it if you want, but I need it back. Kind of like a security blanket ya know.
Those same feelings you have, most of us on this site share. But as the others have already so very well said... suck it up Bucko - We signed up for the ride. Now follow it through. Kids and wife first. When the kids are gone.... then you still have the "death do us part" line in the contract. You will find in time, as long as you keep truthful communications up always with your wife - she'll always be there for you on your side. And finally don't forget this part of your "family" - US! :D We're always here for you too.

[Sara Jessica]

Sounds like a really hard place to be. The interesting thing is if you REALLY are a woman then the bell has just begun to ring. There is a good chance that the longer you wait the more difficult it will be to pretent to be this guy you know you are not.

That's a great way to put it.

Stephanie is describing a classic middle-path scenario, one that I know all too well. All I can say is do your best to live up to the commitments you have made to family because you're right, transition leads to utter destruction of the family unit more often than not. Some days will be more difficult than others but there is no less courage involved in trying to keep things real instead of heading down the transition road. In other words, the middle path is a very valid place to exist.

[DonniDarkness]

Steph,

Look, im just gonna be very blunt about this so bear with me....
"mixed up male".....this term bothers me, because of the context you seem to have put yourself in as a father.....Dads come in all shapes, sizes, attitudes, demeanors, hobbies, carreers...... you get the point... Just because your a TG or a CD, does not make you ANY LESS of a father. You are unique to your family, they love you for that. Do not try to keep up any image of what you think a father should be, just simply be a daddy. In turn you will become the father that YOU are. Your children love you UNCONDITIONALY.

Now for the wife part..... If your wife knows and says she supports your crossdressing, and you still doubt it.....well ask her again...what did she say? ...... i know from experience shes just gonna look at you like "Are YOU ok with your crossdressing?".......Involve her in your "getting Steph'ed up"...ask for help, get advice on girl stuff, go shopping together, try to do stuff that is related to dressing but not the actual act of dressing.....you need to build some confidence in yourself, towards your friendship with your wife as both Steph and her husband. The feelings of self doubt will wash away over time.

Trust me.

-Donni-

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Hi Steph...lots of spot on comments

I can chime in as well...i can rewind about 6 years back, and I could've written the same post..almost word for word..especially the part of doing all the right things for family, and getting more and more depressed, and not wanting to be alive anymore, and feeling trapped (i would never hurt myself)

i have 2 daughters as well..

you are throwing out all the "Tells"...if your bell has rung as Kate puts it, it will never be unrung...i disbelieved this for many years, but i know different now.

you can't just suck it up...it just doesnt work like that..

you should get every perspective that you can....its your family, its your career, what are your options? how depressed are you feeling?

in the end, you have a huge quality of life decision to make, and you are best served to get lots of real time help and support..all options should be on the table, none is better than the other, there is only what is best for you and your family..

you should post in the other forum here (TS) as well to get the maximum amount of perspective..

then you can best ask yourself..

Am I a woman? ..and what am I going to do about it?

[Tomara]

Hi Stephanie
Sorry to hear you are feeling so down.
I'm not going to repeat what others have said (all good advice) but to me I would highly recommend that you consider seeing a therapist who specializes in gender identity issues and if your wife is up for it maybe couples therapy could help you both to have a better understanding of your needs and desires.
Best of luck to you.
Tomara

[docrobbysherry]

Hi Stephanie
Sorry to hear you are feeling so down.
I'm not going to repeat what others have said (all good advice) but to me I would highly recommend that you consider seeing a therapist who specializes in gender identity issues and if your wife is up for it maybe couples therapy could help you both to have a better understanding of your needs and desires.
Best of luck to you.
Tomara

Stephanie, the folks advising u to do what u SHOULD do, don't understand how DANGEROUS depression really is! If u find yourself depressed often, or that u have VERY deep depression sometimes, U NEED HELP NOW!:hugs:

Start dialing thru your yellow pages for local experienced therapists! U may have to interview a few to find the RITE one for u, and maybe your wife, too! But, I PROMISE U, it will be WORTH IT when you're feeling DOWN!:sad:

For companionship, a number of girls have recommended Triess. Altho I've no experience with them, I've read that they r there to provide support and R NOT dating venues!:)

[stephanie1000]

Thank you so much Ladies, Vry much appreciate all the helpful ideas and advice, would never do anything to hurt self, just down in the dumps a bit and needed a swift kick in the skirt Ty girls and will be seeking some sort of Therapy as i beleave i really just need to talk this out with someone that will listen and not Judge. Lots of love and hugs to all the ladies that replied i very much appreciate you all :)

[Kerigirl2009]

Hi Stephanie- I know exactly what you mean. I am in a similiar situationa as I truly love my wife and 4 kids. The feeling of wanting to express what I am feeling can get so overwhelming sometimes and I can get so down on the inside because what I want is to just relax and have a normal day with my family but add the fact that I would love to dress more feminine and not worry about being rejected.
To have friends that I could sit and talk with and just mingle would be great but I think even better with family. OH yes I did tell my wife just about a year ago. She still has not met my other side in person but maybe someday she will.
I wish you the best and hope you find what your looking for and that includes being with your family.

[suchacutie]

You are looking for more gurl time and the one who can help you with that is your wife. Ask her if she can help you work out how to have more time. She might even be a bit flattered that you are turning to her for help...

tina

[pamela_a]

I find myself Yearning to become a full fleged women, This is an important question, you yearn to or you NEED to?


but by doing this i lose my wife (and great friend) and the children that mean the world to me. You have talked with your family about this and you are 100% sure or are you just assuming?


It has gotten to a point where i think maybe i would be better off not being around. Both conclusions that can be drawn from this statement are completely unacceptable, especially in light of your not wanting to hurt your family.


Let me know if this sounds familiar and let me know if you have any advice as to what i should do to attempt to tame my mood swings as they get pretty bad from time to time.It sounds very familiar, I lived it. I had been married for 25 years with 2 children when I transitioned. My wife, had she not passed away last October, was staying with me. My children did NOT lose their dad, that was the promise I made to them and we are as close or closer than we've ever been. All of my children's friends have more than accepted me.

You say you are worried about what will happen if you find you need to transition. Have you thought about the possible damage that could be done to your family if you need to transition and don't? Anger and resentment toward your family? Depression? Desertion?

I can't say it'll work out for you but don't assume it won't. Go see a gender therapist but remember that only you can decide what you need to do.

[Debb]

Stephanie

I've read all the comments, they're spot-on. I'm in much the same spot as you, two kids and a wife who is accepting and who I'd hate to disappoint.

It strikes me to say only one thing ... self-acceptance is key. This is preaching to the choir; I know, intellectually, that self-acceptance is really important, and most of the time, I can meet that goal ... but sometimes it's harder than other times.

I am mildly bipolar and can have "mood swings" once in a while; I come close sometimes to going off the deep end, but so far have been able to recover.

Again, self-acceptance is key. If you can get there by yourself, great! Most of us need help; the help is here, and there's more help available thru therapy if you can do it.

[Alice B]

Just hang in there. Things have a magical way of working out and with your wife knowing you are way ahead of the curve. Don't brow beat yourself and think of all the good things you already have. A loving wife that accepts your dressing and wonderful kids.

[stephanie1000]

kk ty ladies your all so wonderful and to all you Minnesota women "Go Vikes":hugs:

[carrie-ann]

My thoughts are like most on here. I would add that I would make sure as you're children grow up they under stand other life styles are ok as long as they are legal. That way they learn tolerance. So they are not prejudice about other people. That will also help you when its time to come out of the closet if and when you ever do.

[pamela_a]

kk ty ladies your all so wonderful and to all you Minnesota women "Go Vikes":hugs:
Dare I ask where you want them to go? :devil:

[mklinden2010]

Work the problem. Don't let it work you.

Plenty of people have realized they needed things in their life and have set about making room for those things.

Set a good example for you wife and kids by making this aspect of you part of your lives. It's who you are - and who they expect you to be. A supporting wife/friend/lover and good kids don't want to see you hurt. So, don't let it happen that way.

They're kids. They "get" dressing up. Adults, meanwhile, know that other adults have agendas. Find something positive about yours and start making some "stands" for equal rights, self-expression, and, that everybody in the neighborhood keep their yards neat...

Stand on and for positive things rather than be covered by a pile of unchallenged negatives.

A wife and two kids?

You're got more going right than you think.

Work that problem into a plus.

Good luck.

[AKAMichelle]

It may sound familiar but don't be silly. Your family would never be better off without you. I don't know care what decision you make, your family should be included. Those girls deserve to know their father and taking that from them will hurt them in the end.