Telling the kids

[SusieK]

It was a few months ago now, but I didn't post at the time, because
a) It takes me ages to get round to posting anything
b) I wanted to know what, if any, were the immediate repercussions

The background is that the urge to dress has been stronger this year, and at the same time I feel more comfortable with it. I don't like deception, and so had been considering what would be the appropriate age for the kids to know. Much lurking on this site had impressed upon me, that in terms of telling others (usually an SO), there is never a good time except that if you're ever going to tell - the sooner the better. In terms of the kids - the sooner they know, the less ingrained are any negative images from society, the longer they will have to get used to the idea, and the longer I will have without needing to hide who I am from my own children.

So in early March (Eddie Izzard had recently been on TV), I sat the kids down (son age 11, daughter age 13) and said I had something to tell them. My daughter immediately piped up with two options "Has someone died?" and then "Are you gay?". I said no, but she was along the right lines and that I sometimes like to dress in women's clothes. I think my son was a bit confused and it was a kind of "does not compute" moment (understandable really), whereas my daughter was surprised but very quickly into asking for details.

The other thing I said was to try to understand that I hadn't changed, and that it was their perception of me that had changed (I know, it sounds corny to me too, but I believed it and thought it would help). It also turns out that it wasn't entirely true, because the act of telling them did change me. It has given me a level of freedom, and allowed me to relax at home at least about the fact that I CD. I do also appreciate however, that it has to some degree placed an unfair burden of secrecy on my kids.

Fast forward to now - they've seen me dressed a couple of times (see my recent "First time out as guy in a miniskirt" pics post for how they've seen me), no forms or wig, but a dash of makeup on one occasion. I have hair removal discussions with my daughter, and she seems to get it up to a point as she is starting to get into clothes and makeup herself (in fact I wonder if this was the trigger for my renewed interest).

My son? not as sure how he feels about it, purely because it's not an obvious topic of conversation. As far as I can tell our relationship is pretty good, and unchanged (and maybe slightly improved) from how it was before I told him.

Why am I telling you all now?
Well so far I think telling them has been a good thing. I think they've handled it well, and it has just become another aspect of their dad (they already thought I was a bit weird anyway). From a purely selfish point of view, I won't have to worry about if/when/how to tell them in the future. From their point of view, I think they appreciate my openness and honesty and that with any luck this will actually improve our relationship when the fact itself becomes irrelevant.
Hopefully, if you're in a similar situation, then you can consider my experiences when deciding what to do. Only you know your own kids, but if you do, and you think they can handle it, then they probably can.

Kids - thank you, and love you lots :hugs:.

Susie :)

[Kathi Lake]

Encouraging! Thanks for the update, Susie!

Kathi

[Leslie Langford]

I can very much relate to both your situation and dilemma, Suzie, and I went down a similar path with my own two children (also a son and a daughter) over the last 3 years during which time I told them about "Leslie" - albeit on separate occasions and for reasons I won't go into here. The main difference is that they were both in their late 20's/early 30's at the time, no longer living at home, and married (one already had a child of her own).

I was surprised at how well they took this revelation. As in your case, not only did they prove to be totally accepting, I also feel that it strengthened our relationship - particularly since they seemed to appreciate the fact that I thought highly enough of them to entrust them with such deeply personal (and potentially embarrassing) information about me which, once divulged, there is no turning back from and undoing it. That said, however, they'd both really prefer not to meet "Leslie" and not mess with the traditional image that they have of their father.

Just curious, though, Suzie - where was your wife in all of this, and how did she feel about your decision to proceed in this manner? Mine wasn't overly thrilled when I did it, but we both realized that sooner or later we had to deal with this elephant in the room. And at our age, one becomes acutely aware of one's mortality and the type of legacy we want to leave behind.

At the same time, we both felt a great sense of relief in not having to carry this deep, dark secret hidden amongst us any longer. And as for the kids, it helped explain some past inconsistencies and secrecy in my behavior which had puzzled them over the years.

[kayegirl]

I can also relate to this problem. My kids are now both in their early 30's, both left home and married. Last year for reasons that I can't go into here, I told my son and his wife about my cding, and I am fairly certain that he has told his sister, but she has never said anything about it. Until now it has not seemed important, but recently I have been outed to a number of people, and I now feel that it is time to clear the air with the kids. Not sure how I'm going to raise the subject........watch this space.

[SusieK]

Just curious, though, Suzie - where was your wife in all of this, and how did she feel about your decision to proceed in this manner? Mine wasn't overly thrilled when I did it, but we both realized that sooner or later we had to deal with this elephant in the room. And at our age, one becomes acutely aware of one's mortality and the type of legacy we want to leave behind.

My wife has known for many years and has always been fairly indifferent to my CDing. However, the nature of my dressing has shifted over the last year, and I have felt the urge to expand the closet and dress beyond the confines of the bedroom. I have always tried to be honest, so although broaching the subject is always slightly awkward, because I'm obsessed whereas my wife is dis-interested, I did let my wife know that I was considering letting the kids know about my CDing. She had concerns, particularly about whether my son is old enough to understand, but was prepared to let me use my own judgement in the matter.

At this stage, I probably need to beware of getting carried away with the new found freedom.

Susie

[PretzelGirl]

Good for you Susie! I think this is one of those really difficult things to decide on. In most cases we don't really need to tell them, but we feel like it is a need. Then you have to evaluate each kid separately. You can't be sure because one is accepting that the others will. Tough decision. I am glad it worked well for you.