How does one know if they're transgendered?

[Allyson Michelle]

I've been CDing for as long as I could remember, but recently I have been having these feelings...

These feelings have been masked by "what is expected of me"(ya know, find a hard working job, find a wife, get married, have kids, ect.) That is all that has been instilled into my brain since I could comprehend words. I took that to heart and expected myself to do just that. But recently I have begun to question my gender as I did when I was way younger (before I knew what a transsexual was). I'm not "suicidal" as a man, but I do STRONGLY wish things were different in the gender category. Going to High School, seeing all the other girls, in their boot cut jeans and baby-doll T's made me envious, envious of what they had and not knowing why I didn't have it.

Now, I've always lived in SW Virginia. There aren't many, if any outed transgendered people that I can talk to around here (except maybe in Roanoke). So I am seeking advice in the only community that I feel accepted in. What do you think? I know you aren't certified therapists (well some may be), but I just want to know if I should seek therapy or what. I know of a gender therapist in Roanoke, VA. That's about 45 minutes away so it wouldn't be a big hassle, but I just don't have any health insurance.

*sigh* I just don't know what to do...

[Ze]

I've been in therapy for about two years now regarding whether or not I'm trans. Some days the answer is very clear to me, other days the doubt and resistance from the outside world makes me believe them more than myself. But for me, therapy was hands-down the way to figure myself out. Of course, find a gender specialist, or at least somebody with some sort of LGBT/gender experience or training.

Are you in college at all right now? I'm on the team with insurance problems and affordability of therapy, but many colleges/universities have free programs with certified counselors/psychiatrists. I got lucky and found one that was a TG advocate and even dated an FtM (:eek:), so she had an idea of how to help me. I plan to move onto the same type of program (hopefully they have someone that could help me) at my new university.

Only catch is most programs aren't in session when the school is out, such as holidays and summers. Summers are particularly tough, depending on how much you need the therapy.

[Allyson Michelle]

Hey Ze,

No, I'm not in college right now. Not because of summer, because I never took the initiative to apply anywhere. I've had a REALLY rough start to adult-hood after High School with mama passing away and all.

Anyways, I do feel confident that therapy is the way to go, but I just don't want to invest time and money into something that may be just a "fetish" or something I want and don't need. But on the other hand, I fear that I may be TG, in which case I don't want to deal with the ridicule and abusive behavior of society. Its like I do, but I don't want to know it I am TG or not (its hard to explain.)

Like I used to cross dress for the sexual thrill, but recently I don't get that thrill anymore, like my brain is catching up to what my subconscious feels. Its like it feels right when I'm in these clothes. I much calmer, and my attitude even changes. GOD, its so friggin confusing being what I am, I'm sure you at least somewhat know the feeling though...

I've been here for only about a week, but I feel like you are a very good person Ze:hugs: Thanks for the support!

[CharleneT]

. . .
Anyways, I do feel confident that therapy is the way to go, but I just don't want to invest time and money into something that may be just a "fetish" or something I want and don't need. But on the other hand, I fear that I may be TG, in which case I don't want to deal with the ridicule and abusive behavior of society (its hard to explain.)

First of all, WELCOME ! There are therapists among us, but the kind of support you can get here is mostly "friendly" vs useful, professional. BUT it sure can help a LOT !!

Therapy would be a very good idea for you, to help understand what you are feeling and what that may mean for how to live your life. If you find out it is a fetish etc... then you know - nothing wasted at all.

Your concern about how society may treat you is unfortunately wise. For now, you can live in a stealthy manner and avoid most if not all of that trouble. Many of us here have done so, or are right now. It is not hard to understand why you do not want to be marginalized !!

:hugs:



Like I used to cross dress for the sexual thrill, but recently I don't get that thrill anymore, like my brain is catching up to what my subconscious feels. Its like it feels right when I'm in these clothes. I much calmer, and my attitude even changes. GOD, its so friggin confusing being what I am, I'm sure you at least somewhat know the feeling though...


This may be a result from the CDing. If you read in the CD forums you'll find that many folks experience a calm when they can dress more often. OR, you may be TS. Sorting out this difference can take some time. Give yourself that space. These confusing feelings are hard to deal with and also something that most of us have experienced. Again, a decent therapist would be a great place to start to sort this out.

[Inna]

I am a skeptic of therapy, it has become a fashion, therapy for drinking, therapy for snoring, therapy for breathing......
I do not deny extreme cases need intervention to save life but all the therapy is to do, is to make you understand what you already know. Knowing isn't exactly understanding, think of it as though translating your gut feeling into comprehensive thought process. I believe (non professional opinion) the fact you are questioning your gender is your answer. The most ground breaking and to me personally most correct assumption has been put forth by Dr. Carl Bushong establishing link between all facets of transgenderism. Weather crossdressing or full transgender/transsexual they are all interpretations, faces if you will of main Gender Disphoria. Mismatch of bran gender to body gender. Mere thought you had since childhood reflects desire to at least partially express femininity, if you have never questioned your gender identity such thought would simply never exist. Listen to your gut, it is the most basic software of human existence, don't give in to thought for it will cloudy up your resolve. Deep down you know, that is you gut feeling. How you interpret your position in society is your thinking brain which for most part bring on more questions and anxiety than resolve.

Love, Alexia

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Listen to your gut, it is the most basic software of human existence, don't give in to thought for it will cloudy up your resolve. Deep down you know, that is you gut feeling. How you interpret your position in society is your thinking brain which for most part bring on more questions and anxiety than resolve.

Love, Alexia

Very true..

but i think Alexia you miss a big thing when you poopoo therapy..

to get to a headspace where you can really listen to your gut, with no baggage, no shame, so guilt, etcetc...is BRUTAL...
at least for many of us...especially as we go deeper into the rabbit hole of a male life that we don't want..

so yes , listen to your gut..but you have to get rid of all that baggage, and i would approach that with any means necessary. and that includes a good therapist that can hold your hand while you get rid of all those preconceived notions, and all those lies you told yourself over all those years..

its a very special person (and i know a few) that just says..."omg..i'm a transsexual, i better transition" and then just hops to it.

also a therapist with gender experience typically knows lots of tg people and can help you meet others and help you guide yourself by relating and comparing yourself to other tg folks...and knows lots of other folks that can help you transition, friendly dr's, friendly electrologists, etc..



:2c:

[Karen564]

I agree with Kaitlyn here...and like she says, it's not that just therapy will help sort out some feelings you have, but the therapist can give you the resources to talk with others in your area too..

As far what you are....check out my post & the others in the thread, you may relate to some of it...or maybe not...
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showpost.php?p=2194993&postcount=4

So yes, go to a therapist, and see how goes, because it's worth a try & cant hurt..

:hugs:

[Allyson Michelle]

Thanks for the answers so far! I just don't want to have this revelation later down the road when I'm 30 something with kids and a wife and a decent spot in the community, then be like "OMG, I'm a transsexual." I want to get it out of the way now while I'm still 19-early 20's so I hurt less people and have better chance of a successful transition.

And to your post Karen. That's exactly the reason I'm so confused. Because I did fit in with the boys growing up. I did play with G.I. Joes and Transformers. In HS I played football. That's why I just don't understand these feelings. They are overwhelming. But I think I do know what is right for me... I just want affirmation. and to not be so damned scared of myself and of what i will become.

You all are really helping me though. This is very therapeutic, releasing all of my feelings to someone else...

[Karen564]

Well, just so you know, there's no set rules to it really...
I had a girl neighbor that played with my toy trucks more than I did, but was still very much a girl...

It's more about how you always felt deep down in your core..and knowing how to separate the wants & desires away from what is just you in the end after you strip away everything else..

[Inna]

I respect all girls opinions here and I suppose my being fed up with social correctness is bit selfish. I do suppose therapy is a necessary tool especially for a transgender lost in never never land. I just hate to pay someone to tell me, "yes you are":devil:
but said that it would be a money well spent if you can gain self confidence and reassurance. From your avatar, Breanne, you are already a woman to me and a very beautiful at that. I am so glad you are asking this question now when you have still ability to get the holy grail of transition, and not later when nature has done its best to turn us into an old oak with no chance of full assimilation. Weather you will take action or remain where you are at this is a beginning of what is your true self and that is the most precious thing to hold.

Love, Alexia

[Karen564]

Alexia,

Many of the girls here, myself included didn't go to a therapist because we were lost...since we all knew what we were (at least most of us)...but used the therapist to help us get though transition..

Seeing a therapist is a good choice when one wants another opinion just to make sure were not delusional...and protect us from ourselves from making a mistake one could regret later in life..
:2c:

[Kaitlyn Michele]

[QUOTE=Mizz Breanne;2197497]...I did fit in with the boys growing up. I did play with G.I. Joes and Transformers. In HS I played football. That's why I just don't understand these feelings. They are overwhelming. But I think I do know what is right for me....QUOTE]

Me too. (altho i played soccer and basketball)

and i desperately needed permission to feel what I knew was true.

We all handled our "stuff" differently.

This doesnt mean you will transition, or that you "are TS"...it doesnt work like that...but freeing yourself up to think clearly about yourself is a good goal.

and i look at it the same way you do...talk and talk and talk..i am a total blabbermouth!:daydreaming:

and its ok to contradict yourself..over time you will accept whatever is true for you.

[Ze]

Anyways, I do feel confident that therapy is the way to go, but I just don't want to invest time and money into something that may be just a "fetish" or something I want and don't need.

Well, the way I see, even if it turned out you weren't TG, therapy could help you find that out. :) In the end, I agree with the others that have said only you will know what you are. However, my own personal experience with therapy is that it helps me clear out the clutter in my head to finally reach and understand that inner me.


But on the other hand, I fear that I may be TG, in which case I don't want to deal with the ridicule and abusive behavior of society. Its like I do, but I don't want to know it I am TG or not (its hard to explain.)

Oh...I think I understand (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=134537). :) You don't want to find out (admit) you are because then you have face all that that means. And that sucks.


I'm sure you at least somewhat know the feeling though...

Most definitely. Coming to terms with it is really difficult for some of us. (And yes, I include myself in that category.)


I've been here for only about a week, but I feel like you are a very good person Ze:hugs: Thanks for the support!

Thanks! :) :hugs: I try really hard to help others, especially when I feel I can identify with their struggles to some degree.

[carolinoakland]

Therapy, good therapy will only get you to the place where you can finally ask the questions that you already know the answear to. If you will be honest, that's the key.

[Ze]

Therapy, good therapy will only get you to the place where you can finally ask the questions that you already know the answear to. If you will be honest, that's the key.

Yeah, that's what I'm trying to say. :heehee: Thanks for being far more coherent and concise than me.

[Laurie Ann]

I agree that therapy is the way to go. I played football,basketball,baseball and ran track in hs. I played football in college until one day my body went one way and my left knee another. I am transitioning late in life. I am on the north side of my fifties. Therapy has helped me come to appreciate my gift and recognize and change behaviors. I am the happiest I have been in my life therapy also helped me overcome my unhappiness and anger at the world. I know I am the exception being older but therapy for me was the best idea for me.

[Allyson Michelle]

Thanks to all. TRULY!

I feel a sense of understanding, and knowing of what I have to do. I know what I know inside of me, in my heart, I'm just kinda afraid of it. I know that it is worth a double check with a therapist. I know that if what I fear is the case then it will not be an easy road, but a road I will not travel alone because I got you guys(*ahem* and ladies). Thank you...thank you...THANK YOU! You all have truly helped me to discover myself, but the rest I must do for myself.

[Midnight Skye]

I totally know what you're talking about Alexia... but folks like you are the minority. Most people don't have full therapist built into their brain. But some do... I am one of those people too :battingeyelashes: I plan on going to therapist very soon to tell her I'm transgendered and know all the ups and downs and am ready to jump down the bunny hole. Then pray to heck she doesn't try to act as an expensive gateway for what I know to be true... from what you're saying Alexia... that is indeed a bitter pill to swallow.


But... for everyone else, I'm talking to you Breanne! :o A good therapist can act as that awesome person who listens to your whole mess and helps you find your own answers without some hidden agenda or some other influence on your life. A good therapist can help you find the answer you're asking Breanne... am I transgendered? But as the girls point out here. Only you can answer, can answer... ok I'm ________ how should I live my life? But again a therapist can help you figure out the ups and downs of different options. And there are various choices for living trans. Full time is only one option ;)


Because I did fit in with the boys growing up. I did play with G.I. Joes and Transformers. In HS I played football. That's why I just don't understand these feelings.

Don't fret too much about this kind of thing. I was the same way... and all in all I haven't changed too much. As I look at it... geeky girls exist... and often intellectuals find a way to enjoy what's in front of them. It doesn't change what we feel inside. Sometimes gender really doesn't matter... and toys and choices of activity don't always reflect ones choice of gender ;)

[Bree-asaurus]

Very true..

but i think Alexia you miss a big thing when you poopoo therapy..

to get to a headspace where you can really listen to your gut, with no baggage, no shame, so guilt, etcetc...is BRUTAL...
at least for many of us...especially as we go deeper into the rabbit hole of a male life that we don't want..

so yes , listen to your gut..but you have to get rid of all that baggage, and i would approach that with any means necessary. and that includes a good therapist that can hold your hand while you get rid of all those preconceived notions, and all those lies you told yourself over all those years..

its a very special person (and i know a few) that just says..."omg..i'm a transsexual, i better transition" and then just hops to it.

also a therapist with gender experience typically knows lots of tg people and can help you meet others and help you guide yourself by relating and comparing yourself to other tg folks...and knows lots of other folks that can help you transition, friendly dr's, friendly electrologists, etc..



:2c:

I just wanted to quote you here because I see a few people on here talk about therapy as if it's totally unnecessary and all therapists are out to get you. Some people even said this site is all the therapy you need.

I don't think I would have ever been able to say "Yes, I am transexual and I accept who I am" if I didn't find my therapist. I would probably be dead. I am great at repressing things, and I really needed someone educated on the subject to push me to ask myself the difficult questions. He just helped me break down my walls so I could find out for myself who I really am.

If you don't need a therapist, that's great. But I NEEDED one, and my path to acceptance was a breeze compared to some of the other people here.

[Veronica_Jean]

Breanne,

I too am among those that spent a long time "knowing deep inside" what the truth is, and holding on dearly to the hope that it wasn't true and would all go away one day.

Well now I am 54, and I just went full time this week. As all of us here understands, this never goes away, and if you try to hide, deny, run, or whatever from it, eventually it will catch up with you.

Take your time, find a good therapist, and figure out what is right for you to find peace within yourself.

Veronica

[Stlalice]

Can't say it any better than others here already have - therapy will help you find the answers that are right for you - one thing to remember is that if you are trans then the longer you wait the harder and more painful it will be for you and those around you when you do face the issue. What a good therapist that specializes in gender issues can give you is the chance to ask yourself the right questions and then learn to deal with the answers. Not all of us choose to transition - some will be content with the knowledge of why they feel as they do. Others will go through full transition to find peace in the own skin. Others will find a point somewhere in between that they are comfortable with. Better that you do so sooner than later. Good luck and hang in there... :2c:

[Faith_G]

Thanks for the answers so far! I just don't want to have this revelation later down the road when I'm 30 something with kids and a wife and a decent spot in the community, then be like "OMG, I'm a transsexual." I want to get it out of the way now while I'm still 19-early 20's so I hurt less people and have better chance of a successful transition.

And to your post Karen. That's exactly the reason I'm so confused. Because I did fit in with the boys growing up. I did play with G.I. Joes and Transformers. In HS I played football. That's why I just don't understand these feelings. They are overwhelming. But I think I do know what is right for me... I just want affirmation. and to not be so damned scared of myself and of what i will become.

You all are really helping me though. This is very therapeutic, releasing all of my feelings to someone else...It's good that you are thinking about these things instead of trying to "fix" yourself by finding a nice girl, getting married and having a couple of kids. Transitioning is much simpler when you don't feel responsible for anyone else.

I crawled around on the floor with toy trucks before I could walk. I took apart every damn thing in the house, when I was about 7 my parents started dragging junk home for me to take apart so I would spare the stuff they were trying to use. :devil: I built my own bikes out of junked ones and was rebuilding engines by 12. Now I play with diesel pickups for fun and drive a truck for a living. But I feel like a girl and always have. It took me a long time to understand that that's OK. There's nothing inherently masculine about liking trucks and other mechanical stuff, it's just a value that society has imposed. More girls would be interested in it if they weren't steered away from it, just like more guys would be interested in home decorating, hairstyling, and fashion design if people didn't call them fags for being interested in those things.

What you have to understand is that gender identity is different from gender expression. Identity is about the relationship I have with my body, while expression is about my relationship with the world and society.

A book that helped me understand this stuff better is Whipping Girl by Julia Serrano. She covers all sorts of good stuff and I bet you will say "Aha!" at least every few pages.

[Lori_Anne]

Thanks for the answers so far! I just don't want to have this revelation later down the road when I'm 30 something with kids and a wife and a decent spot in the community, then be like "OMG, I'm a transsexual." I want to get it out of the way now while I'm still 19-early 20's so I hurt less people and have better chance of a successful transition.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

First off defiantly consult a therapist, that being said.

This was me I knew early in life I was a girl inside. But I let the social constraints and an extremely homophobic family push me into being the man everyone expected me to be. Living all those years in a body that I loathed, I beat it, battered it, broke it up and eventually turned it to 400+lbs of ugly fat! Now 50 years old, divorced and kids are grown I finally let her out. The first thing she did was look around and said “oh my F****** god, what have you done to me?”:eek: and just like all woman I’m left to clean up the mess. :doh: Just something for you to think about.

Wishing you all the best hon,
Luvs & hugs, :hugs:
Lori

[hopingsecret]

Thanks for the answers so far! I just don't want to have this revelation later down the road when I'm 30 something with kids and a wife and a decent spot in the community, then be like "OMG, I'm a transsexual." I want to get it out of the way now while I'm still 19-early 20's so I hurt less people and have better chance of a successful transition.

And to your post Karen. That's exactly the reason I'm so confused. Because I did fit in with the boys growing up. I did play with G.I. Joes and Transformers. In HS I played football. That's why I just don't understand these feelings. They are overwhelming. But I think I do know what is right for me... I just want affirmation. and to not be so damned scared of myself and of what i will become.

You all are really helping me though. This is very therapeutic, releasing all of my feelings to someone else...

You sound a lot like me. It's hard to figure out and to also quote Ze, sometimes the answere is crystal clear and other times it's not. And it's a major question to answer. Depending on how you answer it, you could lose friends, family, and face unbelievable discrimination. Also you're (depending on how far you go with it) getting permant, body changing surgery. All total it's not a decision you want to look back on and go, "Ehhh, that wasn't a good choice.".

All I can say is no one can ever give you final conformation. There have been cases of poeple who have gone through the whole process; therapy, hormones, living as their desired gender for a year, and surgery, and still have come to regret it. Not many, but a few. The best you can do is talk and listen to others. See how their feelings and experience compare to yours and go through the process. Eventually you'll come to a decision.

I will say I wish I had begun this when I was your age. Hell, younger, but no later than your age. Time and life have a way of complicating things. I'm a married father of one. Every decision I make will have a major impact on their lives. It's a lot to have sit on your mind. So I am a bit jealous:daydreaming:

In closing, you're in a good place here with great people. I know they've helped me inmeasurably. Good luck with whatever you decide.

[Jessinthesprings]

Talk to your potential therepist concerning your payment options. mine took $50 a session after my insurance failed to cover the appointments since she was not an approved "out of network specialist" There is a possibility you can get a similar deal.


Also a good therapist should not tell you how or what to think or feel. he/she will guide you by challanging your thoughts making you be honest with yourself and make informed decisions.

[Byanca]

I always knew I was transgendered. But never figured out what to do about this. Or what that meant. For a long time I thought men and women was the same, only looked differently. And the baby thing. But I found out that this was not the case when I tried with woman and they expected me to do and behave in ways that was completely alien. So I realized most people judge first by what they see. And if this does not align with your inner sense of self there will be communication problems. And when I tried with men, I was a whole more relaxed. It was a non issue. Except that it had to be done a little different then normal, annoying, but this worked out much better. I find woman very pretty and all of that, jealus, happy, sad. But that sexual want has never been there, maybe as lesbians. As I grew up I had a lot of lesbian imaginary affairs. A taste for men didn't come on until I was well grown up.

Besides of appearance and the sexual thing I don't find gender and sex to be relevant in most situations, but still it sort of does. So for me it seems quite clear, if I want a social life and steady relationship. I would gain a lot to have my body develop in sync with the mind. Or else the gap will grow stronger until this literary rips me apart. As in the body dies, and of course the mind with it.

It's for sure a serious condition. So I just don't understand why I seem so helpless to do anything about it. When it is so obvious that I disappear more and more as every day go past.

It's a paradoxical tragedy beyond comprehension imo.

[Karinsamatha]

I the space of about one year I have had to come to the conclusion based on what I feel inside, when in drab vs en fem. Feeling sick to my stomach when I have to wear drab clothes. I have seen in some other post other people have the same type of feelings. The end result of this is that the only conclusion I could arrive at is that I am TG/TS. At this point I am not sure how far I want to go with transition.
But the relief I felt when I admitted to myself who I am was fantastic, things started to make sense to me. :D

[~Emma D~]

[QUOTE=Allyson Michelle;2197497]Thanks for the answers so far! I just don't want to have this revelation later down the road when I'm 30 something with kids and a wife and a decent spot in the community, then be like "OMG, I'm a transsexual." I want to get it out of the way now while I'm still 19-early 20's so I hurt less people and have better chance of a successful transition.

For me it was simple, i just knew who i was at your age. I couldn't agree with you more, but circumstances pushed me down down a route where i eventually married and had children (I can never regret having my family no metter what).

But, please dont let yourself get into the mess i have let happen around me. You are at an age and time in your life, where you are still able to make decisons without affecting too many others.

Be wise and be careful.

[Empress Lainie]

Well, I must say the realization you really are trans when you are 72 is certainly much easier to handle, since there are fewer obstacles, no marriage, no parents, all my friends were female anyway and totally accepting.

It gets really tough when you finally absolutely have to transition to womanhood while married and with children under 18 still, not to mention parents, and of course the fear of losing your job which was a surprise to me when I did due to hatred.

Her parents rejection is what killed my friend 19yrs old, Sydney Glenney. She posted her biography on the net and killed herself with a gun.