Feeling challenged

[Rianna Humble]

On facebook, amongst my likes and interests, I list activities "to Do With the Transgender Community"

I also state on my fb profile that I am not interested in friendship requests from men.

I have been challenged that this is inconsistent if the friendship request comes from a trans-man (even though I did not know at the time of trying to let him down gently that he is trans).

So now I'm not sure - am I being inconsistent?

In these forums, I try to be supportive of the whole community (not just the MtF's or the TS's), but is that enough?

Should I rethink my position re friendship requests from men, or perhaps my statement of likes and interests?

Incidentally, I am not an fb friend junkie, I try to ensure I can contribute something to each of my friends on fb and if I think someone is not getting enough out of the friendship, I ask her whether she still values the friendship.

What do others think?

PS, if I have posted this in the wrong place, I hope that the moderators will forgive me whilst moving this thread to wherever it would be more appropriate.

[Renee_E]

You can't please everyone. There is always someone who while find a fault with what you do or say. Let them figure out if you mean them, its there worry not yours.

[Tranny Tee]

Why do you have to be consistent? You are free to make your own decisions, consistent or inconsistent, logical or illogical.

[Alberta_Pat]

Rhianna;

You are free to make your own decisions. Befriend those who you will.

For me, 99% of the "friends" I have on F/B are for a game only. They don't know me, I don't know them, and we seldom, if ever, converse.

[juno]

Personally, I am hesitant about any friend request over the internet. If you don't want people to feel rejected, that might be a good excuse, even if it is not true.

[docrobbysherry]

Personally, I'd RATHER study old Latin textbooks!:doh:

[sterling12]

When you put out The Information on Facebook, "I don't want friendship Requests from Men," that implies: "I really don't want to get Hit-on by some Dude-Admirer, and I'm not into Sex with Guys." And I am sure somebody will "claim" that's not what in implies....but for about 99.9% of us it does!

But, I'm not so sure you can't have a Friendship with a Transman without a lot of sexual hassle. I am friends with quite a few and so far it hasn't been a problem. I do have a feeling that a Relationship might be a bit more "civilized," as they understand The Idea of Women just having Friendships. I can't say that for Guys I meet in Clubs or try to contact me via my Computer. For them it's always about one thing, and one thing only!

So Yeah, if you have a Transman Aquaintance, until proven differently, I'd give him a chance to be a Friend.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Andy66]

When you put out The Information on Facebook, "I don't want friendship Requests from Men," that implies: "I really don't want to get Hit-on by some Dude-Admirer, and I'm not into Sex with Guys."
Yep yep. I think arguing with you about it like that may be a sign that he just wants to fool around. (Like arguing is really going to make him more attractive?) :brolleyes:

The transmen I've talked to here, and most of the ones I've met in real life, seem to have a lot more class than most cisgendered men, but you are right to be careful of who you meet on the internet. And you have a right to "friend" or reject whoever you want.

[Nicole Erin]

I would not worry about it, I think most FB "friends" are just on an account to make someone else's numbers look good. Kind of like why some people try to befriend everyone on THIS site who sends them a PM. What is the use?

YOu can have 300 friends on FB but how well can you really connect with any *one* of them?

Internet friendships just don't have a whole lot of substance.

[Mikaela]

I'm very private on my facebook account. I don't even approve most of the people that request me that I know. And even the ones I do approve don't see much of a profile because I don't trust their privacy settings any longer. That said, it's not a popularity contest. Friend who you want and don't friend who you don't want knowing your business, otherwise you start self-censoring things because you are worried about who sees it. Also, use the privacy groups to categorize people. And finally to see the best crap from facebook, check out lamebook dot com and realize that there is always someone that will share things you don't want.

Internet friendships can be more. My ex-wife started that way. Not sure if that proves me or Nicole, though. :D

[CherryZips]

This is a problem with Facebook rather than a problem with people. Facebook is not the natural way we deal with people which is full of gray zones and subtleties.

That probably doesn't help but I just think its worth remembering Facebook is not the social model we should judge ourselves by. I'm not saying don't use it I'm saying its problematic.

[Rianna Humble]

When you put out The Information on Facebook, "I don't want friendship Requests from Men," that implies: "I really don't want to get Hit-on by some Dude-Admirer, and I'm not into Sex with Guys." And I am sure somebody will "claim" that's not what in implies....but for about 99.9% of us it does!

That is a large part of what I mean, but not all of it.


So Yeah, if you have a Transman Aquaintance, until proven differently, I'd give him a chance to be a Friend.

A couple of problems in this particular case:

1 I don't know who he is

2 I didn't know he was trans until he brought it up when challenging my pm to him which simply said "I'm sorry, I don't accept friendship requests from men"


Yep yep. I think arguing with you about it like that may be a sign that he just wants to fool around. (Like arguing is really going to make him more attractive?) :brolleyes:

I'm not sure what he wants, but you're right arguing has not made me want to know him any more than I did before.


The transmen I've talked to here, and most of the ones I've met in real life, seem to have a lot more class than most cisgendered men

I have no problem interacting with trans men as such, but I don't want to start any kind of relationship with men of any kind at this time. Heck, I haven't even added my nephew onto my fb account.


YOu can have 300 friends on FB but how well can you really connect with any *one* of them?

Internet friendships just don't have a whole lot of substance.

I agree with the first part - after more than 9 months, I have stretched the number of my fb friends as high as 26. This allows me to say on fb "Everyone on my Friends List is there as a result of a conscious decision."

I do my best to make sure that for me, your second part does not come true. If I believe that one of my fb friends may not be getting enough out of her friendship with me, I message her to ask if she's sure she still values the friendship. So far, over the 9 months, I have removed about 6 or 7 friendship links.

[Ze]

This is definitely a touchy one. There's an unfortunate lack of acceptance for FtMs by MtFs, and he may have gotten offended solely on that pattern within the community. If I was in that situation--in which I attempted to friend an MtF who said they would only be involved with transfolk and yet consequently rejected me--I'd likely have gotten offended, too. Indeed, your motives are different, but he may not have read that as such due to the pattern of behavior the TG community already has toward FtMs. (i.e. "I'll socialize with any transperson! Pfft...you don't count, Mr. Transman.") Kind of like a parallel to racism, it's a problem people of the "guilty party" are going to have to bear the brunt of until it's been fixed--whether they contributed to it or not.

It's another one of those freaking paradoxes. We all want to be seen as the man or woman we identify with, but at the same time some of us want to socialize based on our TG roots.

You have every right to reject anybody you want on Facebook. I'm not attempting to judge you; I'm just trying to help show some light on why he may have been upset with you. To help keep this from recurring in the future--provided it bothers you enough to do something--I'd suggest simply saying you prefer friending MtFs only (instead of "the TG community") because of personal reasons associated with men.

So no, you're not being inconsistent or hypocritical or anything of that sort. Rather, you just need to give a bit more detail to potential friends about who "qualifies" and for what reasons. :)

[Vieja]

Rianna you can make friends with whomever you choose. It is a personal thing and is only for you to decide


Vieja

[Rianna Humble]

This is definitely a touchy one. There's an unfortunate lack of acceptance for FtMs by MtFs, and he may have gotten offended solely on that pattern within the community. If I was in that situation--in which I attempted to friend an MtF who said they would only be involved with transfolk and yet consequently rejected me--I'd likely have gotten offended, too. Indeed, your motives are different, but he may not have read that as such due to the pattern of behavior the TG community already has toward FtMs. (i.e. "I'll socialize with any transperson! Pfft...you don't count, Mr. Transman.") Kind of like a parallel to racism, it's a problem people of the "guilty party" are going to have to bear the brunt of until it's been fixed--whether they contributed to it or not.

Ze, thank you for providing a different perspective on this question.

Only slight comment. I list things to do with TG community under activities, whereas under "Interested in", I say "women" and in my general bio say that I don't do friendships with men.

Had the person in question sent me a message saying something like "Hi, I'm trans, can I send you a friendship request despite your ban on men?" I may well have replied positively.

As it was, I got a request out of the blue from an unknown man with no indication on his publicly accessible profile that he even might be trans.


It's another one of those freaking paradoxes. We all want to be seen as the man or woman we identify with, but at the same time some of us want to socialize based on our TG roots.

You have every right to reject anybody you want on Facebook. I'm not attempting to judge you; I'm just trying to help show some light on why he may have been upset with you. To help keep this from recurring in the future--provided it bothers you enough to do something--I'd suggest simply saying you prefer friending MtFs only (instead of "the TG community") because of personal reasons associated with men.

So no, you're not being inconsistent or hypocritical or anything of that sort. Rather, you just need to give a bit more detail to potential friends about who "qualifies" and for what reasons. :)

You may be right, but I had hoped that statements like

"Interested in women" and "I don't accept friend requests from men" were fairly clear indications of my friendship preferences.

I have now clarified the Activities section to say "Campaigning for TG rights" and "Taking part in TG forums".

In my defence, I did also explain to the gentleman that I only make friends on fb when I feel that I can contribute something positive to the relationship, and if he wanted to make a case for what I could contribute to a friendship with him, I would be willing to reconsider.

[Ze]

My apologies, Rianna. :) I'm not at all hip with FB, so I misread parts of what you said.

[TxKimberly]

I also have no interest in chatting with men and pretty much refuse all requests from men. A FTM is quite a bit different in my books though. He knows what my life is like. He knows what I have gone through and what I am going through. We have a common interest and life that binds us and so I would be delighted to have FTM's as friends.
I had also been worried that I might unknowingly refuse a friend request from a FTM but then it struck me! If he doesn't have the courtesy and smarts to send any kind of a personal message along with the request, then that is his problem and mistake, and not mine.

[Rianna Humble]

My apologies, Rianna. :) I'm not at all hip with FB, so I misread parts of what you said.

No need to apologise, Ze. You gave me enough clues to see how I could change my listed activities to try to avoid the misunderstanding in future.


I also have no interest in chatting with men and pretty much refuse all requests from men. A FTM is quite a bit different in my books though. He knows what my life is like. He knows what I have gone through and what I am going through. We have a common interest and life that binds us and so I would be delighted to have FTM's as friends.

I'm with you there,Kimberly, although when I do accept a request from an FtM, I might need to soften the wording I have put on my profile and my info box. :)