I remember him, but I don't remember his sister

[pamela_a]

I did something today I'd felt compelled to do since I started my transition.

I can imagine many here would think me insane for even considering this but it was something I had to do. As a bit of background you need to understand that from 6th - 12th grade attended a parochial school which was part of a conservative, fundamentalist Baptist church and I graduated in the school's 2nd graduating class. In those 7 years I spent most of my waking hours in or around the school, church, or church activities.

This morning I dressed (print skirt, white blouse ;which was a little more sheer than I thought so my light pink bra was somewhat visible , my usual daily make up, earrings,& necklace) put on a pair of strappy heels, grabbed my purse and went to the church I'd grown up in but had only returned to twice since I graduated, both times to bury one my parents.

When I arrived and parked my car I sat for a minute and composed myself. When I got out of the car I stood tall, put a smile on my face, and walked confidently toward the doors.
As I entered the building I walked past 2 ladies sitting on a bench just inside the door. As I started walking past them one of them said "excuse me ma'am, are you visiting here?" I stopped and told them that I had been member of the church a long time ago but had not been there for many years. We chatted for a few more minutes then I excused myself to see if I could find anyone that I recognized.

The first people I recognized were the parents of one of the guys in my class. When I asked them if they were Dr. and Mrs. Anderson they looked puzzled. When I told them my name was Pamela A....they asked me if I was Julie's aunt. I smiled and told them no, Julie was my daughter and that my name had once been Paul. Neither one reacted at that revelation. We continued talking and catching up on what had happened each others families. After around 10 min or so I excused myself to see if I could find anyone else I knew.

In little time I came across a gentleman I thought I recognized. I greeted him, confirmed he was the person I thought, and introduced myself. He looked thoughtful then said he remembered Bruce (my brother) and his brother, but he didn't remember he had a sister. I replied that Bruce's brother's name was Paul and left it at that. Again, we talked for more than a few minutes catching up on what had happened since I saw him last at my parent's funeral. After that I needed to use the ladies room. When I came out of the stall, Mrs. Anderson was talking with another lady. When she saw me she asked if I remembered the lady she was talking to. I didn't so she introduced me to her. She was the sister of one of my classmates. She gave me a hug and we continued to talk as we exited the restroom.

Today being July 4th, they had a picnic lunch after the service. A couple of the people I'd talked to encouraged me to stay so I did and had a wonderful time. I was able to meet several other people I knew. Some of them I told my old name and others I didn't. Everyone I met or interacted with was open, friendly, and accepting. I may be setting myself up for something but today gave me enough encouragement to decide to attend a reunion for the first 10 graduating classes on the 17th as well as a special service marking the retirement of one of the teachers I had which will be on the 18th.

How everyone acted toward me today was both what I expected yet more than I expected. At no point was I treated or refereed to as anything but a woman.

I've always believed that it's easy for one group (conservative Christians in this case) to have "issues" with another group (specifically transgendered people here) yet when it gets down to 1 to 1 interaction with someone they know, and individual's attitude can be completely different than what you would otherwise expect. While I'm obviously happy with how I was treated (accepted?) I sincerely hope that somewhere down the road some other trans-person gets the same respect because of it.

[Sharon]

I'm happy that it went well for you, Pamela. :)

[Faith_G]

I'm glad they were nice to you today, Pamela.

Your background sounds remarkably similar to mine, we will have to talk more and compare notes.

I think you flat out weren't recognized or remembered by most people. Give them a few weeks to talk amongst themselves, someone will figure things out, have a gut reaction and head for the Old Testament. :doh: I will be very interested to hear how they treat you on future visits.

I personally can't wait to call Marquette Manor Baptist Academy to ask them for an amended diploma after my name change. :D I don't think I am ready to revisit the hell-hole in person, between church and school for 15 years there is way too much pain for me in that building. :sad:

What makes me pessimistic about your future visits to your old church is how things have gone for me at my grandparents' church. Also a fundamentalist Baptist church (we gotta talk!). The pastor there has known me since I was 8, I have fixed his cars and his kids' go-cart many times, and helped with many projects at the church. I thought he was a friend and a decent loving man despite being a fundamentalist. My brother has been a deacon there for about 20 years, and this pastor is actually encouraging my brother to continue to reject me. :sad:

I think that once leadership at your old church figures out who you used to be and who you are now, the welcome will be over.

[pamela_a]

I think you flat out weren't recognized or remembered by most people. Give them a few weeks to talk amongst themselves, someone will figure things out, have a gut reaction and head for the Old Testament. Faith, you're right, we should talk.

Most of the people I talked to today knew me and who I was, after I told them. To everyone else I was treated as just another woman, and I agree it might be interesting to see what happens the next time I go.

For some of the people I talked to I expect they heard what I said but they didn't comprehend or absorb what I was saying or I didn't really give them time to react negatively before moving on to someone else. Yet there were others who had ample time to understand and absorb who I was and they were also the ones who were most open and friendly to me.

I know I need to review Leviticus and Deuteronomy so I can remember everything else that's condemned and make sure if anyone questions me about that I can ask them a few questions also.

In all honesty it really doesn't matter to me one way or another what they think of me. I'm still trying to figure out why I felt so compelled to go back. Maybe it was Pam trying to connect with her past, or maybe I was just trying to make a point and use this to convince myself that it really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of me. I'm proud of who I am and I have no reason to be ashamed or hide from anyone. Or maybe I'm just crazy.

[Teri Jean]

Pam this is great news and like faith said it could be short lived. Still, kudos to you for trying. I know we've talked about this many times and I still have not done this myself. For me it will be a meeting at the legion. Take care sis and ttyl. Hugs Teri

[Hope]

I also spent more years than I care to remember in a "non-denominational" (why does non-denominational always mean fundamentalist / baptist?)Christian school as a kid, and know what that is like, and like Faith, I have no desire to go back. Ever. Thankfully in my case the school closed up shop about a decade ago.

And like Faith - I am encouraged by your experience, but would wait for the other shoe to drop before I put too much stock in it. I think you are absolutely right - the folks you talked to either didn't know you, or what you told them about being TS didn't register, and once it does, and once the super-duper kristian rumor mill cranks up to full speed - I would be shocked to find that you were as welcome a second time.

On the plus side - those folks you knew, and met again, can never again say that they have never met a transsexual, and assuming your behaved yourself (and I assume that you did) they can't say that the one transexual woman they know was a horrible person. So even if this doesn't work out well for you - you were out in public making headway for us. Which I appreciate.

[Melissa A.]

If we're going to say and agree, which I've seen written here many times, that one of the best things we can do is present ourselves in a way that lets the world know we aren't scary or threatening, then you've quietly done a wonderful thing, Pam. Congratulations on the experience, and thank you. I'll bet it was nerve-wracking, at first. Whether or not acts such as this will help aid in the fight for equality and justice, and really win over hearts and minds in the big social picture, remains to be seen, but it sure doesn't hurt a bit.

Hugs,

Melissa:)

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Pam that is great stuff..
thnx for sharing it!!

[AKAMichelle]

How everyone acted toward me today was both what I expected yet more than I expected. At no point was I treated or refereed to as anything but a woman.

I've always believed that it's easy for one group (conservative Christians in this case) to have "issues" with another group (specifically transgendered people here) yet when it gets down to 1 to 1 interaction with someone they know, and individual's attitude can be completely different than what you would otherwise expect. While I'm obviously happy with how I was treated (accepted?) I sincerely hope that somewhere down the road some other trans-person gets the same respect because of it.

I am pleasantly surprised from time to time how one person will accept another even when if you ask them about us as a group they are negative to us. I am glad that they accepted you so well.


What makes me pessimistic about your future visits to your old church is how things have gone for me at my grandparents' church. Also a fundamentalist Baptist church (we gotta talk!). The pastor there has known me since I was 8, I have fixed his cars and his kids' go-cart many times, and helped with many projects at the church. I thought he was a friend and a decent loving man despite being a fundamentalist. My brother has been a deacon there for about 20 years, and this pastor is actually encouraging my brother to continue to reject me. :sad:

I think that once leadership at your old church figures out who you used to be and who you are now, the welcome will be over.

While I tend to agree that this is a likely outcome for Pam, I certainly hope she will be treated differently.

As for you brother rejecting you, I am sorry. I know how much it hurts to have family disapprove of your choices and want nothing to do with you.

[Karen564]

In all honesty it really doesn't matter to me one way or another what they think of me. I'm still trying to figure out why I felt so compelled to go back. Maybe it was Pam trying to connect with her past, or maybe I was just trying to make a point and use this to convince myself that it really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of me. I'm proud of who I am and I have no reason to be ashamed or hide from anyone. Or maybe I'm just crazy.


Pam,
No worries, I don't think your crazy at all..:hugs:

It's a great story & thank you for sharing it.

I know this was what you've been wanting to do this for awhile & now that you've done it, feel good about it, so I see nothing wrong with that..

I too have come to terms with myself ever since going 24/7 almost a year ago now that it doesn't matter so much what anyone thinks of me either, whether they think I'm nuts or not, I'm not ashamed of what or who I am..but instead, rather proud of what I've done so far..

So all we can do is continue to show all people & ones that we chose to inform of our past (on an as needed basis) is to show them we really are good people and leave them with a good impression, so when all they can say afterwords behind our backs something like, wow, she was so nice & not so bad after all...:)

[nikkijo]

so far i havve to agree with pams experiance.... granted i barely just started even discussing transitioning with my docs... but even as a marine and auto mechanic i can be as girly as i want and as long as everything gets done right and on time no one complaines... or even addresses what i look like... hell ive had customers bring in cute outfits and my shop neighbor has brought me several small gifts, and hes about as conservative as they come...

[Jonianne]

Pamela, I don't know how you did it. I was associated with a hardline fundamentalist Baptist church and school and once when I was showing my wife where I used to go, I had to stop and turn around and leave before I even came in sight of the school, the feeling was overwhelming to get away from there.

IMHO, I wouldn't even try to discuss their beliefs with them. It's a no-win situation to try to win them over. They would have to leave themselves to change or be ostricised for being accepting of you. If you had gone to BJU campus, they would have escourted you off campus. That is their stated policy for gay alumni and I'm sure TS women and men and cd'ers would be in the same catagory.

[Hope]

I'm still trying to figure out why I felt so compelled to go back. Maybe it was Pam trying to connect with her past,...

Or, if you no longer feel the need to be there, maybe the need was to say good-bye to that part of your past.

[pamela_a]

Except for it ending with a speeding ticket, I just had the greatest 3 days I've had in a very long time.

A friend of mine got tickets for a Shakespearian company's performance of A Midsummer Night's Dream Friday evening. I had forgotten just how funny that play was and had a wonderful time.

Arriving home I found I had received a message from someone with whom I'd spent most of my time during high school. I'd sent him a Facebook friend request nearly 8 months ago and never heard from him after he accepted it. I resigned myself to believing he couldn't accept me and left it at that. In the message he apologized for not contacting me and explained, in addition to his horrible computer skills, that had been buried at work and hadn't been in contact with anyone on Facebook. He sent me his phone number and told me to call him so we could get together soon and catch up.

Saturday was the reunion. As I was getting ready I found it funny that the thing I struggled with most was what to wear. I wore a skirt and blouse but, sitting in the parking lot watching a few other women go wearing jeans, I changed into the capris that I had brought (I also had a denim skirt with me just in case). Without going into a lot of unnecessary details all I can say is the entire evening was wonderful time catching up with people, some of whom I hadn't seen in 20+ years. Everyone was open and friendly. At no point did I feel uncomfortable about being there nor did I sense anyone was uncomfortable around me. There were several people who didn't make the connection so I needed to explain it to them ("yes, you knew me as Paul then") but that was it. There was one woman who accepted me with open arms.

Sunday started out with a 3 hour drive. My daughter wanted to attend the teacher's retirement party and I offered to pick her up to make sure she made it (she's been troubled with vehicle problems). The retirement celebration started at 2 but opted to arrive early enough for the morning service to give her a chance to meet some of the people she knew. As had been my experience the first time there I sensed nothing ill at all. Again, everyone treated me as a woman and I felt completely comfortable. During the course of the afternoon at the retirement celebration there was just more of the same. A few questions easily answered and that was the end of the matter and we continued the conversation in a different direction.

The entire weekend there I was treated with respect and acceptance of who I am. There were only a few times I was not addressed as Pam and, after the person was reminded, it wasn't repeated.

Perhaps it was because I'd been gone for so long and nobody there saw me during my transition that made it easier for them to accept. Whatever the reason I couldn't have asked for a better experience.

[Teri Jean]

That is so wonderful Pam. I know we all thought when the reality of the church service had sunk in there might be some who would be less accepting but this is great. Hugs girl. I'm sure we will be talking more but until then hugs and smooches. Teri

[Faith_G]

Pam, I have never been so happy to be wrong! :)

[pamela_a]

Pam, I have never been so happy to be wrong! :)

Thank you Faith, that makes 2 of us as I fully expected to have had something negative to happen also.

I'd like to believe it's a start at least. I keep hoping that if enough of us get out there; all we need to do is change 1 person's perspective of us at a time and we can change society for the better.

[victoriamwilliams1]

Very nice reactions from the people:) A true conservative Christian will not be judgmental at all! What we see in the media is Radical Christians who are extremely judgmental and a small few would love to see most of the civil rights overturned!