I need help

[Cheery GG]

Hi to everyone out there. Firstly i must apologise as this is my first time using this site and not sure i am doing it correctly. I have signed on to this because i need some advice from all you out there. My story is quite a long one and quite emotional, im sure you probably know whats coming next.

I am a 32 yr old single mum, two kids, currently studying, but have a dilema. Have met a wonderful person 8 months ago, whom i completely adore and we have talked about sharing our lives together. He has told me in the early days that he is transgender, and at first it didnt bother me, but as a mum i have my doubts. I struggle to come to terms with what its all about although he has been completely open and honest with me. He takes hormones, and has had some facial surgery. Part of my thinks i am being naive for thinking this could work....i am confused and very much in love, can anyone out there guide me......

[Katie Ashe]

It is hard to say without knowing your whole story... but respectfully. She is a person with certain needs, whom wants to be with you. Do you want to be with them also? This could work very well in your favor of finding someone whom loves you for you. I'f any doubts are at hand, the longer you wait to decide, the more hurt you both will be. It isn't easy being honest up front like that, and that it show they care for you deeply. The main Q is can you live happily with this person with out regret and or guilt. Are their intents true or just a cover. Please write back.

[Cheery GG]

Thanks for your response. My note was a very shortened version of my story, but to add a little more. We met online 8 months ago, i was fully aware that i was talking to a mtf transgender. At this time i was curious, as i was questioning my sexuality and wanted to explore. As the months have progressed, we have been out once as two women and i got so drunk i couldnt stand up. I guess looking back i didnt handle it very well. My partner has ALWAYS been completely honest, open , loving and caring, and i have never doubted his feelings for me. We have talked this subject to death but never seem to come to an answer or compromise. I am beginning to think that maybe i should seek some sort of counselling to address my own issues of self esteem as i think this isnt helping. My feeling towards him as a woman are a little like jealousy or as if he is having an affair, and im not quite good enough. Its all very confusing to both of us. It worries me that we could commit to each other and several years down the line, it all goes pear shaped because he made the wrong decision. More than anything i want to be comfortable with this part of him and his life, but not sure where to begin.

[Katie Ashe]

Well first, I think you need to understand his intentions, and she needs to respect yours. If she wants to live as a women with sex change surgery, can you handle it. Becuase you have interset in someone liek that, doesn't mean your a lesbian, just more open minded than most. the fact your here asking for help, I already have respect for you. Most people reject the idea of sleeping with some like us, let alone marry one. Start with the fact that she is honest with you. Second what can you gain from the relationship, if any. Will you be happy? Can they fullfill your needs in the future? Will they acept your kids as true family? She is apparently happy with you. I'm impressed at your outlook and being positive about this. Take interest in their life, it can be very fun, as you have A husband, best friend and a girl friend all in one. I'll be here if you want to talk more. Only you can decide what is going to make you happy... Its the inside as to what counts more that the outside. If he was in a bad car acident and looked horrible, and not transgendered, would you still love them the same? If yes, than maybe your answer is right there. Hugs to your courage to ask for help.

[Cheery GG]

Thank you. i really do appreciate everything you have said. My partner has made it clear to me that he wont be taking his female saide anyfurther. The issues we have now is can i handle it as an occasional thing. We have both said that it could be fun, and i could have a secret girlfriend as well as public boyfriend, and i agree with that, so why do ifeel so eaten up inside, almost as if im not good enough, he has to have someone else, it feels like there are three people in this relaitonship. I do love him for the person he is, inside and out, and in answer to your question, if he were in a car crash and looked horrible, i would care for him til the day he died. Maybe i have found my answer. !

[Priscilla1018]

Follow you heart rather than the roles society has created for us.This may not always be easy,but many of us are doing just that and are happy.

[Katie Ashe]

... so why do i feel so eaten up inside, almost as if im not good enough, he has to have someone else, it feels like there are three people in this relaitonship... I completely understand your feelings, there really isn't 3, just two people that can love you more. With out knowing you or her, I'd say stick it out and give it a try. Just be honest and up front always. It can only bring you closer together. You are good enough and prob better, why do you think she loves you, for your shoes? Well you can share those too :rolleyes: . Be real, you may complete her, and she does complete you. If there is no abuse going on, put your fears aside and live the life you want. As of last night I sent a mass e-mail telling everyone in my family for the first time I'm a transvestite. Some accept, some don't, But my wife and I are happy, and that's all that matters to us. I hope you can find peace with yourself in your journey. I hope this post taging has helped a little. Please feel free to use the Private Messaging at the top of the page to contact me any time, ok. :thumbsup: Like I said I'm here for you... You can even talk to my wife, whom is a member here: Dawn ML

[Natalie x]

I just want to add my support for you, cheerygal, and to endorse everything that Katie has written.

[Phoebe Reece]

Cheerygal, It is possible to have a long term relationship with a crossdresser and raise kids in the process. My wife and I have been together for 36 years and she has known from the beginning about my crossdressing. We raised two kids to adulthood with them having full knowledge of my "hobby" and they turned out just fine. If the two of you are truly committed to making the relationship work, then you can find ways to make that happen. It will likely take a few compromises on the part of both of you. You could do much worse than fall for a guy who has a femme side.

[racquel]

I have nothing to add to the discussion just wanted to say hi Cherrygal and give you a hugg. :Pray:

[Jenny Beth]

If I can add my two cents here. You mentioned your partner has told you he does not intend to take his femme side any further. Chances are he is telling you the truth because he has found what he wants in life..a woman who can accept this side of him, that woman is you. Since you can handle him being a girl occaisionally then your biggest hurdle is to find compromises that are acceptable to both of you. Relationships like this take time to flourish and as long as you both love each other this will eventually work out.

[LaceLuvr's GG]

I just want to say that I was in a similar dilemma as you. I met my CDSO online. He was open and upfront from the very start. I also have 2 children. They are 5 and 4. I have decided that as they may be a little young to understand, the moment I think they will I will have no problem with my SO telling them. They think of him as their dad, and I raise my children to respect all others. They are being raised to accept that nothing seperates people.. whether it be color, religion, or sexual preference. It will be something I will openly share with my children.. and I know that as much as they love their "dad" they will accept him no matter what.

Hugs and good luck to you,

[Holly]

I'm so glad you found us! First of all, you are more than welcome here. Anyone who is genuinely interested in learning more about our community belongs here! Katie has given you some pretty good help and it sounds as if it is already helping you. I know that you can understand how difficult it is to offer someone suggestions when the whole story is unknown. But there is one thing that I noticed in one of your posts that caught my eye and I thought I would mention it to you...
I am beginning to think that maybe i should seek some sort of counselling to address my own issues of self esteem as i think this isnt helping.I commend you for your honesty and the ability to see things in yourself that could be improved. I find it refreshing for someone to take responsibility for themself, rather than blaming anyone and everyone around them for what's wrong in their life. And you're absolutely right! How we feel about ourselves DOES impact how we feel about others around us. Crossdresses know this as well, if not better, than just about anyone else. Many of us suffer anxiety and stress due to feelings of guilt (although we have done nothing wrong) and shame. It sounds as if you and your SO (significant other) have a very honest relationship with one another. That is wonderful, and puts you light years ahead of many other couples. As your SO has been so open and honest with you concerning her TG issues, may I suggest that you, also open up to her with your issues of self-esteem? I strongly suspect that you will find a level of support you can't even imagine! Just talking about it may be enough to reassure you of your own worth. But even if it's not, and some form of counselling seems appropriate, how much better will it be knowing that you have the full support and backing of your SO? I think the two of you have the potential of having an outstanding relationship with one another and I offer you both my full support and prayers. Please keep in touch and let us know how things progress.

Just one other quick question... is your SO a member here as well?

[ChristineRenee]

I don't know that I can add anything new here, or improve upon any of the advice already given to you cheerygal...I just want to lend my love and support to you both and my best wishes for a lifelong loving relationship for you both!:love: :hugs:

[kathy gg]

Hi cheery gal!

Umm, I read your all your posts and what seems to be the core problem is not so much him having a femme self, but how you are processing how it relates to you. You said you feel "My feeling towards him as a woman are a little like jealousy or as if he is having an affair, and im not quite good enough." This is common, and trust me most of us have bad hair days or days when our fat clothing does not even fit or just moments/days/weeks where we feel like we are so unfeminine and get down on ourselfs. What you have to do is not relate that personal negativity to his dressing. Each of us is responsible for how we present ourself to the world. We may not have been blessed with model looks, or perfect shiny hair or what ever, but we can do what ever we need to boost our self confidence. And I know as a mom there are days when that is super hard to do and not high on the priority list. Maybe therapy is the key? maybe just a new hair do or a really good facial or something that will give you a boost is what is needed. The better you feel about yourself the less you will resent this nice man who may just happen to be blessed with mile0high legs!

Also, you having to get drunk in order to hang out with him en femme tells me that this is your way of dealing with something that is scaring you to death. I can idenitfy with that, well at least back in the begining. When I was single and just dating cd's I found I was so nervous and so insecure and although I can fake confindence it was like a surreal reality being surrounded by all these highly made up, thin, sexy (faux) women. I knew this was what I wanted, but I felt sometimes like how could this really sex cd find boring ol' me attractive. It was like a cruel joke being played on me. But those scary feelings eventually disapeared and the better care I took of myself the less I felt unattractive and began to feel worthy of being hot and sexy and a real freakin' catch!

Because just so you can hear it from someone 'you are a catch'. yes you are insecure, possibly an exhausted mom, and ect ect, but your open mindedness and willingness to give this guy a try shows you really are more in touch with yourself than you think you are. This guy might be the one, or he might be one of many... Who knows, but by exploring something that obviously has your interest peeked, well to me that is a sign and I don't ignore them. But if you keep on feeling down on yourself and being with him brings more misery than happiness then maybe you need to re-evaluate your direction. Only time will tell.

Good luck and I hope we get to know you better

kathy in canada

[Cheery GG]

Hi Guys and gals, Its me again.

Ive just read through all your messages and i cant thank you all enough for your enormous support. I feel much more positively about the whole issue already, and will be spending the coming weekend talking to my SO, about how far i think weve already come. I do need to add a few comments too.

As a mum, and a single mum, my concerns have been for my children, as a parent it is our duty to care and protect for our kids, and it was lovely to read from you that a relationship is possible even if kids are part of the family. I think one of my biggest problems to date has been others peoples reactions and opinions, i need to overcome that. My relationship with my SO has lots and lots of positive things about it, and if this is our only issue to overcome then weve got a great future ahead of us. Honesty and good communication is paramount here, and that is what i intend to focus on. I am and will seek counselling, as i have issues which date back to my previous marriage and divorce, things which have been swept under the carpet, and they need to be resolved. The last thing i want to do is bring those issues into a new relationship.

Thank you all once again for your support. If anyone wants to email me privately please feel free.

Cheerygal xx

[Katie Ashe]

Hello, I don't want to beat this post dead, but I wanted to comment about the advice that was giving to you. All good and real things were said. This is the kinda family we have here in the forum, strong, open, loving people. I hope you can over come your past, it will destroy your future, and none of us want that for you.

If it helps, we told our kids about me dressing last night, I even dressed up for show&tell. Both kids are ok with it and think I look very nice as a lady. My daughter is mad I didn't tell her sooner, she wants my shoes and skirts :rolleyes: . Point being, we are here for you, and wish you the best of luck with your new soul mate.

Your not crazy, the rest of the world is :D

[Cheery GG]

Katie,

Wow, thats pretty amazing ! The more i read these messages on this site, the more i admire and look up to you all, you truly are all inspiring !

Cheerygal (GG)
xx