Not meaning to label anybody but...

[Jo_Larens]

I am getting increasingly confused as to what/who I am. As long as I can remember I've had a strong desire to be female, but have not been particularly UNHAPPY with my physical gender for around 10 years. This may be because I resolved at a fairly young age that I would eventually go through SRS. In this aspect I'm inclined to consider myself ts but at the same time my relative ease at living as a male causes me to doubt that I am. Please give me some feedback. If you have questions about me, ask away.

[Shananigans]

I think it makes some sense that you would be at ease with living as a male. You've done it for a while now, but "at ease" doesn't necessarily mean that you actually see yourself as a male...

...Does that make sense? My brain is worthless today.

[Jo_Larens]

no, that does make total sense. what i meant though was i've heard countless stories of depressed, suicidal, and generally unhappy people who were born in the wrong skin. while i have been all of those at some point in my life, it was due to my experiences in other aspects of life. maybe the whole gender thing played into that, but if so it was on some subconcious level

[docrobbysherry]

At least, up until age 60+, I HAVE!:brolleyes:

I was an unhappy person until my middle 30's.:sad:
At that point, I became pretty satisfied with my life and myself!:)
I think I'm a much happier person now!

We r ALL seeking happiness. Which generally comes with the satisfaction of accepting who and what we r!
For whatever reason, u seem to have REACHED that point in your life! And, u now seem reluctant to change that!

I'm guessing there r MANY ways to satisfy your TS/TG side without surgery! Maybe you've already FOUND those!?:thumbsup:

[Lynn Marie]

Hi Jo,

Please keep in mind that you are 19 years old. In the scale of a lifetime of around 80 years, you are a babe. You are old enough to drive and fight for your country, but you are too young to drink! Confusion and doubt are the only things in your life that are a constant. It's all got to do with youth!

As you age, you will become much more satisfied with who you are and less worried and doubtful about all aspects of your life. Eventually you will stop questioning and start accepting. That time is a wonderful breakthrough. You start to relax, stop worrying, and start becoming "all you can be"! The bad part of all this is that I'm 66 and just becoming aware of all this wonderful stuff. Hope you can do it sooner than I did.

I wish you well young man/woman. Gee I wish I were 19 again and knew what I know now. Hell, I'd be running the country in a skirt! LOL

[AlisonRenee]

Jo, if you're 19 and you resolved at a young age to undergo SRS, but you've been OK with your male personality for ten years or so.... well, you sound like me at 19.

35 or so years later, I look back and sometimes wonder if I should have listened more closely to the little girl inside me who was telling me she wanted out.

That said, there's nothing wrong with acknowledging your feminine aspect but living your life as a male. I love my kids and grandkids and if I had made the choice to transition, they wouldn't be here. If I had transitioned and never knew them, who's to say how my life would have turned out? I could have been very happy as a woman, that much I think I know. And if I'd made that choice when I was in my late teens, the physical transition would have been easier and the results likely much better than if I made that choice now. Your body changes a lot after 19. Bone structure, all of that is still relatively fluid at your age.

In hindsight, though, it does no harm to ask yourself what's right for you *now* - while you're young. Just consider what you may gain, or lose, and if you think you need some help resolving it for yourself.... that's what counseling is for.

[suchacutie]

Tina is clearly a part of me, and that part is not going away any time soon. It's clear she has been with me all my life, but she hadn't identified herself until a few years ago. Now that I have learned a lot about her, I like her a lot and know she adds a lot to our collective life.

On the other hand, there are a lot of things about being a guy that I like a lot, and my wife loves the male me (she is also Tina's terrific girlfriend!). I love going to a formal event in a tux, I love wielding a chain saw, plowing the garden (Tina is just not a "dirt-under-the-fingernails" kind of girl!), carpentry, and the whole idea of "slaying the dragon" for my wife and family, whatever the current "dragon" might be.

So, my goal in life, clearly, is to learn how to have my masculine and feminine sides coexist, giving both a significant life. Hmmm, now isn't that fun???

Maybe you can have that same fun!

tina!

[Samantha B L]

Hi Jo,I wanted to transition very badly when I was your age. I was still living at home and my family really discouraged the idea and I don't mean maybe. Not everybody is considered a good candidate for the hormones and surgery and if you go through with the whole thing and decide you don't want it,it can take years to redo that sort of thing. Granted,I have a lot of freinds who are TS and the surgery and hormones have helped them tremendously but the therapists who work with them take years to draw their psychiatric and psychological conclusions. And there's no guarantee that those operations are going to be a panacea for every little thing you don't like about your life. In fact,your life probably won't be much different than it was before. As it is,m to f crossdressers have a great deal about their personalities which is feminine in nature. Maybe you are denying your crossdressing just a little bit and you feel like it needs justification as "transexualism". the surgery is OK and it's helped people but give yourself like 6 or 7 years to think it over. And I could be wrong. Maybe you'll want it.

[Schatten Lupus]

If you have doubts, then it is probably best to do some more considering before action. Transitioning comes at a very high cost, financially, emotionally, and socially.
One advantage you have in youth is that if you decide it's something you must do, is that you have the advantage of being able to transition in college and start in your career as a woman. You also have the advantage of HRT being more effective (not as effective before puberty, but better than if you are in your 30's or higher).
However this isn't something that should be rushed. I am still a year or two off before I can start HRT, and even then knowing what I am going to and potentially sacrifice is a constant reminder of it is the best option.

[Jo_Larens]

I know the importance of weighing each and every consequence of my actions. I'm not about to make the final decision on transitionin any time in the immediate future. I dont even know what its like living as a woman,which I plan on doing full time for at least a year before I even consult with a gender therapist. I was once an impulse driven individual but that got me in trouble time and time again, so I learned the hard way to consider all the ramifications before making life changing decisions

[AlisonRenee]

I dont even know what its like living as a woman,which I plan on doing full time for at least a year before I even consult with a gender therapist.

... hon, I think you may be putting the cart before the horse.

[Jo_Larens]

... hon, I think you may be putting the cart before the horse.

Well I never claimed to know what I was doing. Should seeing a gender therapist be the first thing I do? I mean in retrospect, yeah I obviously need to see one before i try living as a woman for any length of time but shouldn't I at least get a sense of what it would be like? You can probably tell that I have many questions on the matter. It's just, the thought of living a female life has always made me feel warm inside, and lately that thought keeps getting pushed to the front of the line and I frequently find myself lost in a daydream of what it would be like.

[Karen564]

Go see a therapist Now, and then the sooner you start living out your dreams the better...

That's what you need...correct?

Good luck..
:hugs:

[Kate Simmons]

You don't HAVE to be this, that or the other thing my friend, only yourself. Once you are at peace with that, all the other stuff fades into obscurity.:)

[Jo_Larens]

The thing is, I don't KNOW myself, and therefore I don't know how to BE myself. I know nobody really knows themself untill they find themself. This is one of the things I think about the most. I wish my teddy bear could talk because i've had him since birth. I do not remember much about my childhood, in fact it often baffles my family how much of my life I have forgotten. if he could talk I would probably understand myself infinitely better.
btw, i love the peter pan reference in your sig.

[Rachel Morley]

Hi Jo,

Have you ever wondered if you might be "genderqueer (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genderqueer)" ... people who identify as genderqueer may think of themselves as being both man and woman, as being neither man nor woman, or as falling completely outside the gender binary. Just a thought :2c:

[Andromeda]

A gender therapist is probably a very good idea.

[fallen_rayne]

Your almost looking at half a person when you CD, or live on both sides of the coin. If your comfortable with your male side, but want your female side, then just cross-dress. However, this is your life, do what make you feel comfortable. Just remember to not do anything that your going to regret later in your life. Your only 19, me being 21 so i don't know why I'm giving life advice, however, your young, you've got a lot of life ahead of you.

[Jo_Larens]

:2c:

Thank you so much for pointing me in that direction. I kept looking around and it seems that bigender fits my situation much better than tgranssexualism. That cleared up a lot for me and I'm going to try to learn more about bigender and genderqueer. I cant wait to talk to an expert and finally sort this thing out I can move on in my life, whichever way I choose

[Schatten Lupus]

Yes, I would go to a therapist first before you even try going full time. If your not sure what it's like living as a woman, and don't know who you are, then a therapist can save you alot of grief. If you attempt to live as a woman and fail, hate it, and have put up with the social reprecussions only to decide it's not for you, then not only was it in vein it could have been avoided. Seeing even just a regular therapist who is knowledgable in gender issues should be able to help first with who you are, and secondly if you should just crossdress, transition or whatever. The one advantage if you are going to a normal therapist is that no one can ever be suspicious, but should you seek anything such as HRT or more, you might end up having to see a therapist that specializes in gender issues so it would be starting over with a new therapist with only a recomendation letter.

[Jo_Larens]

My therapist is a LMFT and has a few books on sexuall orientation so I'm hoping he is at least somewhat knowledgable about gender orientation. If not I'm sure he can refer me to someone who is.