Am I getting this?

[Paisley GG]

I saw my counselor yesterday, and during the course of our session I mentioned the current status of things with regards to my hubby's cding, and my joining this forum. She seemed to feel that there has to be sexual element to all of this (ie. arousal etc.) She asked me twice about it and both times I said I suppose it could. When I thought a bit more about this, my impression was that you can't rule the sexual element out, but that it not necessary. That the desire for cross dressing comes from a deeper place. Am I understanding correctly?!?!!



Please note: My husband and I are not having difficulties with his cross dressing. We are working issues out as they arise, but we have always been there to support the other in any way we can.

I am not seeing a therapist about his cross dressing.I am seeing her regarding issue from my past long before my husband came along. She and I have an excellent working relationship and she is well qualified to help me.

She asked me a general question about the cross dressing she was NOT stating an opinion....since neither of us knew I thought it would be best to ask the people who could best answer this.

As I personally imagined there would be, there are lots of different experiences....like anything in this world there are patterns but that does not negate variation.

I have clarified the original statement several times in this thread, but I think some times people read the first entry and then respond without realizing I have already made clarificationss.

My counselor did nothing wrong.

[sissystephanie]

I believe that answer totally depends on the crossdresser himself! I think you are correct for most CD's. The desire comes from a much deeper thing than just sex!

I have always loved wearing feminine clothes for the fit, feel, and look of them. When my late wife was still alive, she could get me sexually aroused when I was dressed and on occasion the feeling would come to me withour any action on her part. But for the most part, I will say that sexual action is really not part of my crossdressing. But then, I am in my late 70's so that may have something to do with that!:)

BTW, I lost my wife over 5 years ago and I still miss her every single day!!

[kellycan27]

For some it is sexual. not so much for others. it's takes all kinds to make the world go round.:)

[sherri]

I believe there is indeed a sexual element for nearly all CDers early on. Some appear to outgrow it as they evolve and come to better understand their transgender nature. A few (or maybe more than a few) never "progress" beyond CDing as a sexual outlet. For others, like me, there will always be a sexual side to it, cuz I've always been that way regardless of gender expression, but it's much more of a package deal now, with other facets of TG having equal or greater weight.

I'm curious though, is there a sexual element for you in your husband's CDing?

[NicoleScott]

You may see comments from those who just feel right when dressed in women's clothing, without a sexual component. So that you may hear from the other side, I dress for sexual excitement, and it's been this way for decades. I like other things about crossdressing (such as: it's fun and provides non-sexual excitement), but I always am aroused by making up and dressing. It's something I do only occasionally, and I do not want to be full-time. I enjoy being a man, doing guy stuff, hunting, fishing, being a husband and father, and wouldn't change that even if I could. But I have a strong drive to make up and dress up in an over-the-top style: heavy makeup, short skirts, very hiigh heels, etc. At one time, when single again, I could and did dress up 3-4 times a week. Now, family situations don't allow for that. I have always enjoyed dressing up in hotel rooms when I traveled. I have gone out some, but stayed in far, far more. I dress up for my own pleasure - not looking for anything personal or physical, although I do like a little attention from those who see me. Just fishing for compliments, I think. I think it's harmless fun, and very enjoyable. My wife knows and isn't threatened by my crossdressing. She approves, supports, and even encourages, but does not participate. I'm happy just to have her approval.

He knows what it is that drives him. Only he can tell you. It may be sexual, or may not be.

[Kathi Lake]

Echoing others here, I have to agree that for some, there is a sexual component. For others, not so much. It sounds to me that your therapist has some outdated information or opinions. It honestly sounds like what the world thinks of us - that we are sexual deviants. Hide the children! Sigh. :)

Your best source of this information is indeed your spouse. Although it is an embarrassing thing to bring up, I would take a deep breath and ask.

Kathi

[Joanne f]

Unfortunately there is no easy answer to this as it maybe for some but not for others, and some may start out that way and then change in the way they feel about it over time, some are just drawn to it for the feel or style of the clothes which in turn helps them to relax and one could say that a relaxed person can be a more sensual person which may intern give their SO the impression that the CDing is done for a sexual reason .
From the sound of it i am not sure that this counselor fully understands the full nature of cross dressing ,( not many CDs do so i would not really expect some one who is not one to ) talking with your husband is the only way to understand why he likes or needs to do it , and i am sure that the GGs on here can help you understand it a bit more from their point of view

[Cheryl T]

I believe that this varies from individual to individual. Some do it merely for the sexual thrill, be it the clothing or the forbidden aspect.
Personally, it did originally have a strong sexual component, but that was when I was much younger. As I matured that element faded, as did my desire to wear the sexiest outfits. I found that it was not necessary for me to present myself as a sexual object any longer. I'm quite content wearing jeans and a tank top and equally comfortable in a nice skirt and blouse. Most of the time I'm in casual clothes just as any other woman would be, but I do enjoy the times when I can get "all dolled up" and feel sexy and feminine.

Each of us has a specific need and we each find a way to fulfill that need. Not all of us find sex is a requirement for that fulfillment.
:2c:

[Alice B]

At times there may be a sexual element to dressing, but as others have said the root desire lies much deeper. That aside, I must complement you on your acceptance of his dressing. You are a special wife.

[Lorileah]

either I am the rule or the exception to it I guess, no sexual desire associated with the clothes. The councilor must have read a different book

[Paisley GG]

Thanks for sharing your insights ....:)

Myy counselor admitted to not really understanding it...I am not sure if she has had any experience professionally or personally...I felt she was asking in a general sense.

My general sense is that the "why" is quite personal to the individual even though there may be some comonalities.

On a personal level, I do feel at times there is that sexual component, along with the physical sensual aspects. My SO is not the most introspective person, so the motivations are not always readily available. I am hoping as he explores himself he will be comfortable to share with me.

[joandher]

either I am the rule or the exception to it I guess, no sexual desire associated with the clothes. The councilor must have read a different book

I AM THE SAME, SO WHAT YOUR COUNCILOR SUGGESTS DOES NOT APPLY TO ALL

:hugs:

J-JAY

[JulieC]

My counselor admitted to not really understanding it...I am not sure if she has had any experience professionally or personally...I felt she was asking in a general sense.

Be careful with regards to gender issues with this counselor. That's not to say the counselor is bad. It is to say you don't go snowmobiling on a rocking chair or use the snowmobile to hang out on your front porch on a hot day. Each thing for its purpose.


My general sense is that the "why" is quite personal to the individual even though there may be some comonalities.

It is personal to each person. There is no one type of CDer anymore than there is one type of human. It's true, there are a lot of commonalities though.


On a personal level, I do feel at times there is that sexual component, along with the physical sensual aspects. My SO is not the most introspective person, so the motivations are not always readily available. I am hoping as he explores himself he will be comfortable to share with me.

This may take a lot of time. Self acceptance can be very hard for a CD, and discussing it openly can be difficult without that self acceptance.

It's wonderful that you are here!

[Patty]

At times there may be a sexual element to dressing, but as others have said the root desire lies much deeper. That aside, I must complement you on your acceptance of his dressing. You are a special wife.

I feel the same :hugs:

[AKAMichelle]

Each person is different. I for one had a sexual component to it when I was younger. Now there is no sexual component to it. I just feel more comfortable dressed and that is why I do it.

[carrie-ann]

I think every one is different. For me It's never been about sex at all. I have felt dem all my life. Never liked tbe male side.
I saw my counselor yesterday, and during the course of our session I mentioned the current status of things with regards to my hubby's cding, and my joining this forum. She seemed to feel that there has to be sexual element to all of this (ie. arousal etc.) She asked me twice about it and both times I said I suppose it could. When I thought a bit more about this, my impression was that you can't rule the sexual element out, but that it not necessary. That the desire for cross dressing comes from a deeper place. Am I understanding correctly?!?!!

[kayegirl]

I started cross dressing at an age when I did not even know the word sex or sexuality,let alone understand what either meant. For me the driving force, if you could call it that was a desire, no a need to be as different as I could be from my much hated twin brother, (but that is another story, which perhaps I might relate one day, although it will be a long story!!!)

[sandra-leigh]

Thinking about cross-dressing can have a sexual component for me, whether I am dressed or not. This can catch me unaware sometimes: e.g., if I am trying on some clothes then I am of course to some extent be picturing myself wearing the clothes, and I might become aware that my body has become aroused while my conscious thoughts were primarily on the mechanics of getting the item on.

On the other hand, the actual practice of cross-dressing is usually not exciting to me. For example, this afternoon as I was walking down the street, my thoughts were "Are these forms too big for me? What are people seeing when they look at me? Do they look silly or do they look proportionate to my body size? Are do they look silly because they are holding my blouse away from my body so much? Or do they just look silly because people see me as a guy? My back is aching... I should reconsider what size is right for me, I think these {Oh she smiled very nicely at me, do you think she saw my bust and approved?} I think these are too heavy... or am I just really out of practice with this size? I think this bra is too small for these forms, and I bet it would hurt less if I wore the right bra. I didn't used to care if I looked silly, has something changed or have I just not worn big forms enough lately to have confidence in myself? My back aches. Maybe I'll get a falafel for lunch. You know, I really looked great in those other forms a few weeks ago."


There is the fantasy of being / looking like a woman, and there is the reality of doing it. and the two do overlap, but to some of us the two are pretty different.

I don't mean to give the impression that the reality of dressing is a litany of worries and pains, though that is part of the experience sometimes. The hardest part of my day so far was having to take off my dress after my morning appointment.

[carhill2mn]

Yes, you are understanding it correctly. One can CD without any "sexual" implications. There are many for whom CD is a sexual thing. Again, there is no "one size fits all" answer.

[jenna_woods]

I can only speek for my self, but my dressing has nothing to with sex, nothing at all

[Kate Simmons]

CDing is about expressing really deep feelings that some men can only express by acting out. For others it's simply part of who they are and the dressing is really just icing on the cake.:)

[monalisa]

It might be your counselor has little experience, knowledge, or hands on experience dealing with the crossdressing issue and is just throwing ideas and suggestions out. You might want to question him or her also.

I think there are a multitude of answers depending on the person, their relationships, past experience, and own desires so there is no easy answer and it might involve numerous issues or occurrences in life. I think in the beginning it is sexual and sometimes stays that way. sometimes I think we dress more because we aren't good at relationships or don't feel good about ourselves and for a brief amount of time we feel beautiful and sexy and desireable. Some of it may because it is different and antisociety. Sometimes it can serve as a stress relief. Or it can be as simple as men's clothing is boring and women's is colorful and fun to wear. So you need to find out what your spouse feels and why he wants to dress and what he likes to dress in to get a better understanding of him so you can figure out your future relationship and adjustments that perhaps both of you will have to make.
Dr. Mona

[Jonianne]

Most things are not an "all one thing or another". Cd'ing included. Certain aspects of cd'ing can be erotic and other aspects can be for idenity, or it could be simply just someone's personal choice of cloths. When you got married, did you marry your spouse just for her mind or just for her looks? I bet it was the whole person.

[charlie]

I saw my counselor yesterday, and during the course of our session I mentioned the current status of things with regards to my hubby's cding, and my joining this forum. She seemed to feel that there has to be sexual element to all of this (ie. arousal etc.) She asked me twice about it and both times I said I suppose it could. When I thought a bit more about this, my impression was that you can't rule the sexual element out, but that it not necessary. That the desire for cross dressing comes from a deeper place. Am I understanding correctly?!?!!

As several others have said, at first crossdressing was completely sexual. Then I would put on some lingerie get sexual and take everything off. That evolved into what I do now. I do what every GG does....I dress and take about an hour putting on makeup and an outfit and run out of the house. My dressing is not sexual at all. I simply want to be the best looking woman that I can.

[Jilmac]

Paisley, A profound pondering indeed, but I can only speak for myself in saying that the sexual arousal subsided many years ago. Now I dress for the pure pleasure I get from my feminine side. My spouse of 26 years ( rest her soul) felt her own femininity threatened by my dressing and had trouble understanding that it was a part of the whole me.

Perhaps you'll never completely understand your own spouses urge to dress but please try to, at least, realize that his dressing is a part of him and it will never go away. :2c:

[Paisley GG]

I just love all this wonderful feedback...I have personally explored and lived many different lifestyles...so there is no surprize that I am now emersed in something else.

[Rachel Morley]

Am I understanding correctly?!?!!Well, I definitely think you understand more about it than your therapist does!

My own desire to crossdress started when I was 6 years old and became really very strong in my mind when I was 8 or 9 ... this was way, way before I was even aware of sex, my curious questions about that didn't start until I was like 10 or 11.

Having said all that, there was a "sexual connection" evolving with my desire to wear girls' clothes by the time I got to 16. IMHO there are plenty of CDers who will tell you that sex has nothing to do with it and that it's all about gender expression and about relieving stress etc etc .... which of course is all true, but I wouldn't mind betting you that in reality, there is "somewhat" more of a ""sexual connection" to it than most people want to acknowledge. Btw ... I'm only talking about "garden variety crossdressers" here, certainly not TS women ... that's something completely different and there is (for some) a crossover point between being a CDer and being TS.

This is just my own personal :2c: and is not meant to be anything else than me saying out loud what I'm thinking. There is no intent of negativity towards others because we are all different and we often see the same thing from a different perspective. :)

[docrobbysherry]

Remember, "Only u can prevent forest fires"! Ooops! Wrong quote!:sad:

Only U know if there's a sexual component to your dressing!:brolleyes:

Just remember, for MOST CDs, there IS or WAS some sex involved in their CD/TG journey!:D

[Lucy_Bella]

For some, Cding is being born with a female brain, for others its a chemical embalance that may come from hormones. There are those who just perfer the feeling of clothing designed for women while others have the fetish for certain material.
Many just like the sexual emulation of trading sexes..Who knows really ?

[Jorja]

Thanks for sharing your insights ....:)

Myy counselor admitted to not really understanding it...I am not sure if she has had any experience professionally or personally...I felt she was asking in a general sense.

My general sense is that the "why" is quite personal to the individual even though there may be some comonalities.

On a personal level, I do feel at times there is that sexual component, along with the physical sensual aspects. My SO is not the most introspective person, so the motivations are not always readily available. I am hoping as he explores himself he will be comfortable to share with me.

I would be finding another counselor who does understand and has experience with Cding.

[Paisley GG]

I would be finding another counselor who does understand and has experience with Cding.

If that was the reason I was seeing the counselor this might be indicated, but it is just something she is aware of occurring my life.

As someone who has worked in the mental health field...each counselor etc. comes with their own knowledge base, experience and perceptions and very few would claim to be an expert or good at dealing with everything. Finding a good match leads to a good therapeutic relationship. In this case it is great and she knows I form my own opinions about things. It was more a question on her part and not a statement of fact.

Now I can go back and share what I have learned...That is to say it is not just cut and dry one way or another.

[lavistaa62]

I would guess many of us began CD pre-puberty, before sex had entered our consciousness and have continued until responsibilities, familiarity and stress have displaced the eagerness and earnestness of our teens, 20s and so on. From puberty on into mid-adulthood sex seems to enter into most activities of most people and is integral to nearly all we do. It's natural for there to be some element of sexuality within CD- resulting from the sensual, personal nature of the clothing and working on our appearance if nothing else. Was the therapist assuming a prurient association or a healthy one?

[Von]

... From puberty on into mid-adulthood sex seems to enter into most activities of most people and is integral to nearly all we do. It's natural for there to be some element of sexuality within CD- resulting from the sensual, personal nature of the clothing and working on our appearance if nothing else...

Well said. This was my immediate thought. It's certainly not my primary motivation to dress, but I'd be hesitant to absolutely exclude sex as an element of most aspects of my life. Particularly something I don't understand myself. I've yet to hear anyone explain their motivation for CDing in such a way that adequately explained my own to me (nor have I developed own explanation).

----

I know how difficult it is to understand someone who isn't forthcoming about their feelings, and how frustrating it is when you do want to understand. Hopefully your SO will begin to open up at some point.

Good luck.

[carrie-ann]

I started when I was 12/13. I knew nothing about sex till i was almost 20 so no for me. Not that sex is absent but the dressing only has the normal presence in it. It's how I felt my whole life more female than male.

[CdChloe]

For some it starts as a sexual thing, but then it deepens... for others it's totally a displacement thing.

Congratulations on trying to work past any issues it may arise in your relationship though!

[LeeBe]

My interest in women's clothes started back before I was a teenager. While I do not recall actually trying anything on until I was around 20, I was always fascinated by various dresses, lingerie, long hair and what it would be like to wear them. The only thing I enjoyed about some of the musical movies at that time were the gorgeous gowns..... so envious. When I finally ventured into trying some articles of clothing on yes, there was some arousal, sexual tension of sorts. I found that this quickly passed and I was just satisfied being in those clothes and that remains even more so the case today.

That's my :2c:, is there change?? Very interesting thread, thank you Paisley!

[Dena]

I agree it's difficult to generalize on this issue. There was a sexual aspect to it for me when I started in my teens.

But the more I explored it (i.e. dressing completely with wig and makeup), wasn't sexual. Dressing completely seemed to be emotionally fulfilling.

There's a great deal of fabrics and sensations that men have seldom experienced.

[Tess]

If there is one thing this site has taught me it is that our personal reasons for beginning or continuing to CD only reflect a fraction of the CD population represented here. I started and continued to CD because of my strong sexual reaction to wearing women's clothing. After over 50 years I admit that the sexual component is still present but far reduced. Just wearing the cloths is fun and it adds a little bit of zing into my life. The sexual aspect is probably only 5% of the reason. It use to be 100%.

[VeronicaStyles]

I think it totally depends on the person. It can be a number of different reasons, figuring out why is a huge question most girls would like to know

[Paisley GG]

I got to tell you all that you have stimulated me...lol. mainly on an intellectual level though...;) I would most often rather study it than do it...Ever hear of someone with that kink....that's mine. I find, gender, sexuality, orientation etc. so fascinating. No two individuals are going to have the exact same needs, desires, impulses, and so on. I am really happy my SO convinced me to sign on...and it is pleasure getting to know you as a group and hopefully more and more as the individuals you are...thanks

[SheriM]

I would guess that for most CDs, there is a sexual element. People feel good when worked up. I would also guess that this sexual element diminishes over time.
I'm also sure that different people dress for different reasons. But I can't think of any that would be harmful as long as young kids are not adversely affected.

[Karenmarie]

When I first started and of course, was a young kid, this was even before
I new about sex. Than I turned 11 or 12 and things were quite different.
It was probably 80% sex, but it was still very comforting and just plain nice As I got into my teens it was still about 50/50 but ALWAYS very nice.
Later, its got to be a very comforting, natural, very normal thing to do.

I'm not out and about, but when I get a chance to dress it feels very much
like I'm home if you know what I mean.

Hugs
Karen

[ReineD]

Paisley, maybe your counselor didn't frame the question correctly. Rather than ask if your husband becomes aroused by the act of CDing, she should have asked if your husband feels more sexual, meaning does he feel more alive, sexier, does he feels better about himself when he is in femme mode than when he is in drab. (I think this is why it is called 'being in drab' .. as if it feels duller. More drab.)

There is a big difference between getting off on the clothes (which would make it more of a fetish), and feeling more attractive, thus sexier in general when dressed.

[eluuzion]

[QUOTE=Paisley GG;2201875] She seemed to feel... /QUOTE]

~Life is not about reality, it is all about perceptions.~
Truth is universal. Perception of truth is not.

"We don't see things as they are, we see things as we are." -Anais Nin

Wearing a lab coat does not make one an "expert", lol.
She has simply stated how she "feels", not stated a "fact".

Just because it is on the TV news, does not mean it is real.
Opinions, facts, truth and perception are all separate issues. The presence of one does not prove the existance of the other. These concepts are often confused when issues are presented and when interpreted.


No two people see the external world in exactly the same way. EVERYBODY has a different viewpoint. It is up to each one of to decide what is "real" and what is not. The only certainty in the process is that the result will be unique to each person and based on our individual perceptions.

just my thoughts...:love:

[k lynn]

like a few others have said here I started dressing when I was 4 or 5 years old did not know what sex was my mother used to find me in the womens clothing section of the store instead of the toy aisle just like wearing womens clothes.

[RhondaLynn]

There is a big difference between getting off on the clothes (which would make it more of a fetish), and feeling more attractive, thus sexier in general when dressed.Rather than ask if your husband becomes aroused by the act of CDing, she should have asked if your husband feels more sexual, meaning does he feel more alive, sexier, does he feels better about himself when he is in femme mode than when he is in drab<...>


Reine's statement regarding overall attractiveness & sexuality is so on target with me. I enjoy my male gender role, but I have so much more to express than is possible from that perspective. As Rhonda, I can reach & express the depths of my inner self, which reinforces my self-image and self-esteem, and thus my sexuality in general. Learning to embrace this part of me & share it with my spouse has been a very positive experience for us - our sex lives have flourished & she knows & understands me better each day. I'm no less a man than I was before, but the freedom to explore & experience all that I may feel within, without inhibitions, has allowed me to develop a self-identity far more complete than I would have ever been able to attain otherwise.

I hope my input on the subject helps somewhat - as everyone has said, human sexuality is a very complex topic.

[DonniDarkness]

Paisley,

I have waited to respond to this thread, but now i feel as one of the resident "fetish" gals, id like to offer my input.

For most of us, as it has been said, started our first dressing experiences when we were so young that sex was not even a part of the experience. However, growing up with crossdressing during puberty, leads to a curiosity about ourselves sexually. It is natural progression.

For me, my crossdressing has been sexual and emotional over the years. We all have different sexual needs, as you have said in your last post. My "Donni" is extremely dark and seductive and i have learned over time; that she/me needs to have this outlet aside from my "Don" role as husband and lover. It provides a stage for the sexual seduction of my wife as a seductress. It allows me to have an outlet for my sexual femininity that we can both enjoy on a very intimate level.

Now after years of sexual exploration between the two of us, we have come to a place where we are very comfortable with each others desires. At first, Sugarmomma (wifey) was very skeptical about my sexual preference, after learning that i liked to dress. Based on the fact that i like anal sex and am a crossdresser, she started to perceive that i wanted a man sexually....and not her. This was way off base, for me it was about the fantasy of being a woman with another woman.....the bedroom "props" were just part of the lesbian fantasy. After exploring this part of our sexuality we have been more comfortable with each other and about what we expect from one another physically, emotionally, and spiritually as lovers.

So i say to your question; Yes the DESIRE to dress has always been there, yet at the same time when we are dressed we wish to BE DESIRED as well.

Its very simple......our paths and perspectives are all different, our common need as inner women is to be Desired...and dressing gives us an outlet for that either emotionally or sexually....sometimes both

I hope i helped to answer for those of us who are fine with dressing and being sexual creatures

Happy in the Darkness,
-Donni-

[Joanne f]

[QUOTE=Paisley GG;2202227]I just love all this wonderful feedback...I have personally explored and lived many different lifestyles...so there is no surprize that I am now emersed in something else.[/QUOT

You are in a way similar to some cross dressers as cross dressing can be a form of exploration of ones own desires and feelings which you are willing to explore so it is not always possible to know where you are going with it or why you are doing it as it is just that willingness to do it (explore it)and see where it goes and when you find someone who is also an explorer then things can get really interesting , you may not always like what you find but at least you have been willing to look at it and see , hence that saying "don`t knock it until you have tried it", i hope what ever other reasons you have for seeing a therapist are soon sorted out for you and you can both go on that great exploration of life together

[Crysten]

Go and say this to your therapist "Saying that all of ANYTHING applies to ANY group of people is the exact definition of a stereotype". Exactly the same thing as saying all chinese people are good at math, all jewish people are good with money, all black people make better athletes (I'm being positive here).

No one likes being stereotyped. The experience of crossdressing (and being overall transgendered) is as individual as the people within the group. Read through this forum - every single person here is unique.

So what you should do is - go talk to your husband about it. And get a new therapist.

[Loni]

i would say most young boys will get all excited with/for almost no reason, :devil:
young men like to have a partner, :D
older men like there wife, :heehee:
even older men would just like. :daydreaming:
clothing can be part, some here started in such a way, but then a lot here just like the clothing with no sex even entering the picture. :straightface:
me there is just clothing, why would it get me excited? :o now having that dress or shopping for it is a different kind of excitement. :battingeyelashes:

maybe invite your Therapist to look in here and read some of our posts???...but then maybe not.:doh:

Loni


.

[linnea]

Sexual arousal may be part of it for some; not for others. I don't dress in order to be aroused sexually.

[Cheryl James]

My dressing began when I was quite young and sex wasn't something that I even knew about. When puberty arrived there became a sexual element to my dressing. Now, there is no sexual element. It just feels right to me and I am most comfortable when dressed and presenting as a female.

[vivianann]

Putting a dress on does NOT arouse me at all, I dress quite alot and it is no different than putting male clothes on, however when I put female clothes on I feel free and complete, nothing more. Now get me near an attractive female I get all aroused no matter how I am dressed.