Having a little bit of trouble...

[Mouse]

Alright so... my MtF transgender girlfriend, Nikki, and I are going to a "safe haven," anime convention at the end of this month. She NEVER goes out in public as Nikki; she's always in boy form. I've convinced her to go to the mall with me as a girl ONCE, and it was traumatizing for her (some guy running a stand in the middle of the mall yelled "nice skirt!" and she took it in an offensive way, as though he was making fun of her). At this convention, no one is going to look at her different. A lot of people are going to be dressed up as cartoon characters, there will be tons of crossdressers... no one is going to notice a meek little ladyboy who's walking with me and holding my hand, you know? But she's still scared. And I completely understand. All of my friends are very supportive of her and I; I even have a few who are going to help me do her hair and makeup. I really think it would be good for her to go out as Nikki, be herself at this one place where she can see that people will really accept her, and I'm having a hard time convincing her.

My question for all of you is, do you think I'm wrong for wanting this for her? I learned a long time ago she won't do anything unless you tell her to/push her into it. And after you do, she enjoys herself and is alright. If she REALLY didn't want to dress, I'd know. But she does, she's just scared. Do you guys and gals have any advice on how to explain to her that she'll be okay, that she WILL benefit from the experience?

[Teresa Ann]

OH OH Take me instead! Until the time comes to go let her dress up more and practice on her looks and when it looks good tell her we were all shy at one time.

[Mouse]

I'm in charge of her looks... I do her hair and makeup; we haven't gotten to the point yet where she feels comfortable doing it herself... she thinks she'll mess it up, but she won't learn unless she tries<3

Youuu should come with us ^.^<3

[Babette]

I don't have any great advice on telling her it will be OK. Each of us deals with fear and anxiety differently. Pushing someone beyond their comfort zone may work in certain situations. On the other hand, it may have the opposite effect by reinforcing their fear.

Think about someone who afraid of the water. Pushing them overboard probably won't help them. In fact, they may drown. Perhaps a better approach is to ease them into the water while they gain confidence.

Maybe it would help if another "experienced" TG person went along with you and Nicki. It's kind of a herd mentality thing but there is a degree of comfort afforded when traveling with a group of like acquaintances.

Babette

[Hephaestus]

I think it'd be a great place to get some experience being out. Anime nerds can be a pretty open-minded (or in some cases, pleasantly freaky :p ) bunch. I'm actually planning my first outings for this fall with my small LARP'ing group... it turns out that there was already one MtF playing, and also a bi-gendered individual who plays a female character in the winter months (we meet monthly)

...I'm waiting until fall, because that's when my hair will be long enough to be passable. I can't wait though :D

[Chickhe]

Sounds like fun. Go and ask everyone you see if they know he is a guy and why or why not? Take the feedback and using it to improve. Set a goal... like we're going out to the convention and this time you have to talk to 3 people... or you need to smile and say hi to everyone etc...

[Traci Elizabeth]

Sounds like you want this more than she does.

Pushing her to do something she is uncomfortable with is not the way to make public appearances enjoyable.

[Mouse]

Sounds like you want this more than she does.

Pushing her to do something she is uncomfortable with is not the way to make public appearances enjoyable.


I could honestly care less if she goes as a male or a female. I love her whichever way she dresses, no matter what. She's just nervous about doing it, so it's helpful to push her into things. I have people set where my friends, the ones she knows, are going to act like they don't know it's her *even though they know about her* so that will raise her confidence. She may dress, she may not. If she really doesn't want to, I'm not going to pout and cry and make a huge fuss over it. All in all, it is her choice, although sometimes she wants to but won't because she's afraid. There's a distinct difference in the way she says "No" and means "No" and the way she says "...no..." and means "Yes, but I'm scared." It's taken years to figure that out, but I'm pretty sure I've got it down.