Ellaine
08-25-2005, 07:21 PM
Hey girls....and S.O's for that matter, I find your stories, little dramas and motivations so fascinating. I rate this site the friendliest I've come across.
Many times I have posted on forums, trying to anylise the feelings that bring me to crossdressing. Each time, I have relied on the word COMPULSION to get me off the hook.
I can't claim the medical justification, that Transexuals can point to. The term fetish is innapropriate since, for me my sexual mood is not the consious factor during the hours before deciding to "dress". It's more that I get a kind of nervous thing going on; I get a bit restless, fidgety, or even a little snappy. Does this sound like a "compulsion"? Of course, if I had gained full self-acceptance and embraced this crossdressing without guilt, then I would not be aware of further compulsion, once " dressing" beyond my need level.
It suddenly occured to me, that perhaps I was so "wrong" with myself, so unhappy with myself, and not being able to see or effect a change for the better; that I sought to be somebody else who was the antithesis in so many ways, of what I was like "normally". The characteristics that I couldn't control and wished to modify the most, could easily be summed up as stressed, testosterone, migraine pestered, not-enough-hours-in-the-day workaholic. The antithesis of which, as a mechasim for escaping the uncontrolled drive of my "normal" characteristics, easily transposes to a idealised feminine image and "feminine" pasivity. Indeed, it affords a natural outlet at the same time, for the "arty" aspects that had previously lacked expression. Attributes, such as a likeing for colourful, clothes, long hair, sensuous fabrics, and sweet smelling aromas, fit in so well with this idea of an alter-ego to hang them on.
So perhaps somewhere in my subconcious, I decided that only by adopting this opposite persona, could I hope to escape or negate the stressed out workaholic with little real sense of self-worth. As unhappy as I was in "normal" mode, I could be so relaxed and contentedly happy, or even silly, as my alter-ego. Like many of you, I'm "ten years younger and dancing" when I'm out of "his" shadow.
Just perhaps the compulsion arises from having once, tasted the bitter fruit, then, because that taste provided some small escape, some releasing of the pressure valve, that it would be recognisably essential to return to that state, and perhaps go further on that route, to achieve an escape of some duration.
It is common to hear of transvestites running "him" down, and refering to their femme alter-ego as the best part of them.
Non acceptance in general society, whether percieved or actual is just another cross to bear. The transvestite who daren't face the public, is in between the two prongs of attack. On the one hand, he cannot deal with being "him", and in escape mode he has to avoid attack from a completely naieve and unpredictably troublesome public.
My self-analasis is not aimed at transvestites or crossdressers, trannies, call us what you will. This is all very personal to me; but I'm sure some of my reasoning may strike chords with spouses (spice :) ) or S.O.'s. ;)
I welcome your comments, as I am not a psycologist, but have spent an aweful long time thinking about my compulsion. But when I have truly worked it out, I will not part with my lovely "precious things" :)
Hugs Ellaine
Many times I have posted on forums, trying to anylise the feelings that bring me to crossdressing. Each time, I have relied on the word COMPULSION to get me off the hook.
I can't claim the medical justification, that Transexuals can point to. The term fetish is innapropriate since, for me my sexual mood is not the consious factor during the hours before deciding to "dress". It's more that I get a kind of nervous thing going on; I get a bit restless, fidgety, or even a little snappy. Does this sound like a "compulsion"? Of course, if I had gained full self-acceptance and embraced this crossdressing without guilt, then I would not be aware of further compulsion, once " dressing" beyond my need level.
It suddenly occured to me, that perhaps I was so "wrong" with myself, so unhappy with myself, and not being able to see or effect a change for the better; that I sought to be somebody else who was the antithesis in so many ways, of what I was like "normally". The characteristics that I couldn't control and wished to modify the most, could easily be summed up as stressed, testosterone, migraine pestered, not-enough-hours-in-the-day workaholic. The antithesis of which, as a mechasim for escaping the uncontrolled drive of my "normal" characteristics, easily transposes to a idealised feminine image and "feminine" pasivity. Indeed, it affords a natural outlet at the same time, for the "arty" aspects that had previously lacked expression. Attributes, such as a likeing for colourful, clothes, long hair, sensuous fabrics, and sweet smelling aromas, fit in so well with this idea of an alter-ego to hang them on.
So perhaps somewhere in my subconcious, I decided that only by adopting this opposite persona, could I hope to escape or negate the stressed out workaholic with little real sense of self-worth. As unhappy as I was in "normal" mode, I could be so relaxed and contentedly happy, or even silly, as my alter-ego. Like many of you, I'm "ten years younger and dancing" when I'm out of "his" shadow.
Just perhaps the compulsion arises from having once, tasted the bitter fruit, then, because that taste provided some small escape, some releasing of the pressure valve, that it would be recognisably essential to return to that state, and perhaps go further on that route, to achieve an escape of some duration.
It is common to hear of transvestites running "him" down, and refering to their femme alter-ego as the best part of them.
Non acceptance in general society, whether percieved or actual is just another cross to bear. The transvestite who daren't face the public, is in between the two prongs of attack. On the one hand, he cannot deal with being "him", and in escape mode he has to avoid attack from a completely naieve and unpredictably troublesome public.
My self-analasis is not aimed at transvestites or crossdressers, trannies, call us what you will. This is all very personal to me; but I'm sure some of my reasoning may strike chords with spouses (spice :) ) or S.O.'s. ;)
I welcome your comments, as I am not a psycologist, but have spent an aweful long time thinking about my compulsion. But when I have truly worked it out, I will not part with my lovely "precious things" :)
Hugs Ellaine