Feeling overwhelmed--any advice?

[Ze]

I know I've been making a lot of threads in here lately...

Since finally moving away from my hometown, all the things I've been sitting on now have the opportunity to be taken care of. All trans-related things were put on hold until my move for reasons I'll just call the sake of my own safety. In no particular order:


Have my name legally changed.


Legally change the gender on my driver's license.



Find a gender therapist.



Come out to the family. I'm unsure of how to do this outside of mass e-mail. Several people on here in the past have tried to dissuade me from this, but I'm not sure what my other options are if I can't tell them to their faces (again, safety) or over the phone (I don't have most of their numbers and my phone service cuts out constantly in my apartment). As it stands, there's only one family member that has a chance of accepting me. Also, my family is die-hard Catholic and I'm not sure how to "cater" to this while coming out in the hopes that it helps them accept me.



Figure out how to acquire my SS card and birth certificate. My mother has these hidden and under lock and key, and I was unfortunately unable to find her newest hiding spot before my move. (Not that I would've figured out how to open it...)



About a month ago, a cousin I'm fairly close to asked me to be a bridesmaid for her wedding in September of '11. Due to immediate pressure, I said yes. Obviously, I need to politely decline with the true reasoning as to why.


Having so much to do has caused me to do the exact opposite: nothing. I've been moved in for almost a week now, and aside from a job interview when I first got here, I haven't left the apartment. I've "left" twice to take out the garbage and check my mail, but that's it. I've spoken to no one.

When feeling overwhelmed, I know the best advice is to take things one step at a time. However, I don't know what order these steps should go. They seem so jumbled up to me that, even if I'm not doing all of them at once, I have to be prepared for all of them at once:


If nothing else, time is of the most essence with my cousin's wedding. The longer I wait, the worse I'm making it for both of us.



If I tell one family member, it'll spread to the others quite quickly. Even though it won't make much difference, I'd rather they all hear it from me as opposed to each other.



Coming out will be a nasty process. To get through it, I truly do think I'll need a therapist. However, I can't afford one and have been going through free programs provided by my former college and new grad school. But it's summer, so I can't take advantage of the services until at least September (provided my new school has anybody worth their salt). Do gender therapists aid in the coming out process or are they just to get referrals?



It'll be impossible enough to get my legal documents from my mother, but completely impossible if she finds out why I need them beforehand. Being the only person I've come out to so far (not only did she take the news bad, but she's been leaving psychological scars ever since), I'm sure she'll have her suspicions of my motives without me telling her.



I feel I "need" to tell my mother that I'm transitioning (and coming out to the family, etc) before I do so. If I don't, even now six hours away I'm fearful of the wrath she could bring upon me.



Before I can change my name, I want to know my family's reaction. Why? I want to know what to do about my last name. If they want nothing to do with me, then I want nothing to do with them. But in the unlikely event that they come around, then I'd keep my last name.



I need to become a Massachusetts resident before I can do the gender change on the license. (And for ease, I'll likely want to change my name in the same state, too.)



I should have my name done before I can do the gender change, if nothing more than the "convenience" of going to the DMV for all of this only once.



I obviously need those legal documents before I can do a name/gender change and become a MA resident.



I won't be completely financially independent until my school loans kick in mid-September. (Unless I find a job. Please let me find a job.)



Back to the first bullet, despite what I keep saying about September stuff, waiting until September to tell my cousin isn't a good idea. And backing out of her wedding should unfortunately be first priority. The earlier I ruin her plans, the easier it'll be for her to fix it.


I know a second piece of advice when feeling overwhelmed (and especially for something like this) is to lean on your loved ones. To put it plainly, I have no loved ones. All "loved ones" are currently "the enemy." I have nobody to lean on in real life. I'm going through this completely alone and that just makes it even harder.

So that's enough of me complaining. Any advice is appreciated, though I'll admit advice from people that have already been there or are currently preparing will probably be the most helpful. My apologies if this whole post is nothing more than nonsensical ramblings, but this has pretty much been my head.

[Christina Horton]

Hi Ze...

Ok I'm not in the same boat as you but I had a thought on how to talk the die-hard Catholic family.

Fined a priest that that you can talk to and see if he is willing to sit down with your family and talk about it. They might be ok with it IF a priest is saying it's ok for you to do all this.

Like I said I can't give you advice on anything else but maybe that will help.

Good luck my brother form another mother.:hugs:

[CharleneT]

Hi Ze, glad you've gotten yourself moved into a new place where you can just be you ;)


"Figure out how to acquire my SS card and birth certificate. My mother has these hidden and under lock and key, and I was unfortunately unable to find her newest hiding spot before my move. (Not that I would've figured out how to open it...)"

These are pretty easy, just go to the nearest SS office and you can order a new SS card. Same with the birth cert, only you need to contact the records dept in the state where you were born ( assuming you were born in the US). Often times you can do this online. Usually the copies of a BC are around $15. Order at least two, chances are the court will want to keep one permanently. You may need the other before the name change finishes.


"About a month ago, a cousin I'm fairly close to asked me to be a bridesmaid for her wedding in September of '11. Due to immediate pressure, I said yes. Obviously, I need to politely decline with the true reasoning as to why."

I'd ask the cousin what he/she wants to do . . . She may want to involve you in the ceremony in some other role.


"If I tell one family member, it'll spread to the others quite quickly. Even though it won't make much difference, I'd rather they all hear it from me as opposed to each other.
"

Then it seems you will have to do the mass email, or snail mail letter.

".... Do gender therapists aid in the coming out process or are they just to get referrals?"

A good therapist, gender or otherwise, should be very helpful in the coming out process.


"Before I can change my name, I want to know my family's reaction. Why? I want to know what to do about my last name. If they want nothing to do with me, then I want nothing to do with them. But in the unlikely event that they come around, then I'd keep my last name."

From what you've said they are not likely to react well, but if you want to know their reaction before you make the legal change, just tell them your new name and see what happens. That may give you direction about the last name issue.


"I should have my name done before I can do the gender change, if nothing more than the "convenience" of going to the DMV for all of this only once."

Depends on what MA charges at the DMV I guess. It is definitely easier to just do it all at once.


"I obviously need those legal documents before I can do a name/gender change and become a MA resident."


Depends on the state, in Iowa, you have to do the name change with the court before you can go to the other places.


Good luck on all this !!

:hugs:

[Karen564]

Charlene pretty much answered it all for you Ze..


Good Luck with it all..:hugs:

[az_azeel]

Ze first of all take a chill pill :heehee:
make a list like you have in your OP.. dont rush into anything and cross of each item on the list as you complete it... before you know it you will be done and ready to make another...
as for comming out to your family .. do you have to.. or is it just something you feel you need to do... end of the day its your life..
the cousins wedding is a problem ..however rather than wear the traditional bridesmaids dress (if thats what she wants).. find out the colour scheme of the wedding and look for a smart suit to match... you can always blame the move to Boston to say that you did not have time etc...

not sure what else to say other than good luck.. ;)

[Faith_G]

Hi Ze- Charlene pretty much got it. Here's my take on a plan of action:

1. Start living the life you want to live right now. Stop hiding in your apartment, get out there and start living!
1a. While living, find work even if it's washing dishes or <shudder> telemarketing. Whatever, just get independent so you don't feel so indebted to your parents.
2. Find a therapist and develop a support system. Me being me, I am going put in a plug for your local MCC church as the best place to get an instant support system. There will be other trans guys there, as well as other assorted queer-type folks who have a clue about trans issues. They will love on you when you are hurting and push you when you are waffling. I know that church has been a source of pain for you in the past, but you will find healing and help at Boston MCC. http://www.mccboston.org/
3. Tell family in whatever order you like. Screw the documents, like Charlene said it's easy to get new ones. The wedding is not for another year, your cousin will have plenty of time to adjust her plans. I assure you she will understand and not be hurt.
4. Deal with the legal formalities of living, e.g. your ID and other documents.

You are gonna get through this, you just have to stop thinking about it and go do something. It's all going to work out eventually no matter what order you choose to do it. In 5 years this will be ancient history. :hugs:

[Midnight Skye]

Wow Ze... I had never caught the details about your family until now. I have no idea how you handle mass family who aren't accepting. The folks I know who aren't accepting... I don't plan on telling. Its extremely unlikely I'll see them anyway. Does your family gossip to eachother? If you have a select few (heck even the possible one)... I'd start off by telling them. Then broadcast to everyone else.

As for living Faith's plan sounds really solid. Most important is just living as you want to and making sure you have money to keep a roof over your head. People who aren't directly in your life... honestly don't need to know how you're living it. Yes its good to eventually tell your family... but if you're not interacting with them they can always find out later.

And don't worry about the documents at all. The government is so used to dealing with lost documents its not funny. I dropped in the two links to follow for getting you new documents. But its very easy... just some annoying paperwork ;) Let me know if you have any trouble... I'm really good at stomping through annoying government processes.

Lost SSC:
http://www.ssnhome.org/index.php?source=CCN-CD308-GOO5923-ssc-lost&fl=ssnx

Lost Birth Certificate:
http://www.ehow.com/how_2337444_replace-lost-birth-certificate.html

[Sandra Dunn]

Most of the girls covered some really good ideas. The legal one you have, well are you 21? Reason I ask is if you are 21 then it does not matter what your family has in the way of documents. Why the age of 21, some states still go by that old age guide for certian documents. Check with the state you live in right noe at this moment about their "legal age".

Just about every state will require you to have a statement from a therapist/doctor something in that profession showing that you are under going evaluation for some sort of Gender thingy. This statement/letter will unlock just about every legal thing you need to change.

As for the last name, I'm changeing mine as part of the whole new identity thing.

The email method to me by what I've seen is a really good way of letting everyone know about it; this way you are not in their sights and have to face the immediate fallout. This will give them time to soak it up and when you do this, screen your calls for a day or two to let the pressure die down a little.

Each case is different and you know your family better then we do. Remember once you hit legal age you can get copies of all your legal documents from the court houses and city halls; usually there is a fee for getting copies.

Step one get the letter
Step two go to the courthouse and begin
After you have most of your list started or done then tell the family, it's makes a difference when you are already doing it or nearly completed with it. Isn't better to ask for forgiveness then to ask for permission? Are you not an adult..legally? I know after being under Mom and Dads roof it is hard to spread your wings without thinking what they think about it.

HUGS Sandra Dunn

[Kimberly Marie Kelly]

The documents are easy to get, But if I remember you don't need them to change your name, after your name is changed then you can go to Social Security and have a new card with your new name, then get a drivers license using the court documents. Why get the originals first and then have to file for name change again after court. Go to Court first, then get new SS and drivers license afterwards. But like everyone else said take it one step at a time, but do it for you, no one else. Kimberly Marie Kelly :battingeyelashes:

[Andy66]

Yep, just get the records replaced as if they were lost, like the ladies said. But a word of caution about the driver's license: many, if not all, states have a time limit after you move. They'll tell you that you need to get that state's driver's license within a month or whatever. Check with your local DMV for that state's time limit. You may be forced to temporarily get a Massachusetts license with your current legal name, and change it later to avoid ticking off the Powers That Be at the DMV.

You're getting there, boy. A year from now you'll wonder what you were even worried about. :hugs:

[Veronica_Jean]

Ze,

Most of the others have covered the bases in terms of the legal aspects, and such.

I did want to add that when I talked to the IRS, the criteria they use to track you as a taxpayer is your Social Security Number, Date of Birth, and Last Name. It is not an issue for you to change your last name, you would just also have to notify the IRS in addition to all the other places once you get it changed.

Therapists are there to help you (or at least should be) and that includes coming out to others, finding yourself, getting a support system, and a lot more including referral letters. Some people need more help with this than others, and of course they won't do the work for you, just help you be able to do it.

There is a TG woman in my local support group that is Catholic. She talked with a priest (perhaps more than one) and was able to find her place within that faith. I am not Catholic, so I can only suspect that this too could be a place for you to find some support. Particularly if a priest is understanding and helpful to you, this could go a long way towards your mother and others in your family in seeing you in a more positive way.

Overall, take a deep breath, go through this day by day, and work through each thing to the best outcome you can have.

:hugs::love:

Veronica

[Inna]

Hey bro, I am a believer that we ultimately know what to do but rarely do it. Our brains get involved and passionately screw things up with process we call intelligence.
I have said it before, listen to your gut, but I don't want this to sound like a cliche. It really exists and as long as you listen the answers will come. Many times those answers won't make sense, but believe me after a while you will be amazed. I call it gut, some call it Jesus, others call it universe, what ever the name it all stands for connection with the source, I don't know what, who, where, how,and when it is but know it is and lately has saved my life. I only wish I have listened long ago.

Love you with all my heart, Alexia.

[DanielMacBride]

Hi Ze, knowing what you have said about your family in many other posts and also knowing the anxiety you face because you and I are very similar, hopefully I can add to what the ladies have already suggested.

If I were in your shoes, I would be feeling exactly the same anxieties you are and be a bit overwhelmed. However, what I would do is prioritise your list, and based on what everyone has said in this thread so far, I would make it look something like this:

1. Get settled in and hit up as many places for work as possible (you need to be financially independent so you can take care of all your own stuff).
1a. Hunt down and find out about as many GLBT (and especially T) activities/supports and contacts in your area as you can possibly find. This will be invaluable to you as you have just moved to a completely new area and are pretty much starting from scratch - so it's your job to build yourself a solid support network to ensure that you succeed in what you are setting out to do (which as I see it is to establish and live your own life, both in terms of academic/work areas and your gender as well as generally speaking). You need some kind of support network if you are going to make everything happen for yourself. Also, said support network may be able to provide you with ideas/leads to make no. 3 happen.
1b. Bow out of your cousin's wedding politely, making whatever excuse is necessary (and it doesn't have to be because of your gender issues - tell your cousin that you don't feel able to fulfill the commitments that being in the wedding would entail, because you have just moved and are still sorting everything out financially and academically and so on and don't want to disappoint her. You don't even need to mention your gender). Do this ASAP to avoid any major fallout - the longer you leave it, the more upset your cousin is going to be at you bailing out, and the less time it leaves her to find a replacement. I would strongly advise leaving your gender issues right out of the equation right now - it would likely cause more upset than it's worth. Besides, the excuse I have suggested is not entirely bull - you have a lot on your plate, and being in a wedding party entails a lot of faffing around finding outfits and whatnot and attending various engagements for the bride....you won't have time to fulfill all those obligations anyway because you have to find a job and then you will be studying etc, so you have a valid reason to decline without even mentioning your gender.

2. Find out about time limits etc for the DMV in case there is any paperwork you need to attend to urgently (you can do this at the same time as you are doing 1). Attend to said paperwork and get all that stuff out of the way. Along with this, apply for replacement birth certificate and SS card as you will need these documents for a lot of things.

3. Once you have a job, find a therapist - as others have said, yes they can help you with the coming out thing, and may also know of other supports that you can access. Use the therapist to deal with not only your gender issues, but to help you with some coping strategies for your other stuff (you are paying them after all, so you can use them for whatever you need). Also, the therapist can help you with coming out to your family, and help you figure out a lot of stuff like the whole name change deal etc.

4. Come out to your family however you deem appropriate. If the fallout is as bad as you fear, then at least by this point you will be pretty much established in your new environment and have some security in your own life so it won't be so big a deal. Also see 3, therapists can help you deal with the fallout, and help you prioritise/simplify your list ;)

5. Change name and continue with your life as YOU want to live it. As for your family's reaction and your last name - what you do with your current last name is entirely up to you, but if I were in your position, I wouldn't bother waiting to find out what their reaction is going to be, because you yourself have predicted that it will be bad - I would just change it to whatever the hell I wanted (which I did too lol). Your name change (hell, your entire TRANSITION) is NOT about your family - its about YOU, so don't give your family (especially your mother) so much power over you and your actions.

Quit agonising over what to do, and just DO what you need to - the longer you sit and stress over what to do when and how and all that stuff, the less you are going to get done and then you will stay sitting on your behind instead of actually moving forward, and the longer this will make you feel like crap because you are not getting anywhere.

And remember you have a lot of support from your family here, keep making use of it :)

[EnglishRose]

Coming out will be a nasty process. To get through it, I truly do think I'll need a therapist. However, I can't afford one and have been going through free programs provided by my former college and new grad school. But it's summer, so I can't take advantage of the services until at least September (provided my new school has anybody worth their salt). Do gender therapists aid in the coming out process or are they just to get referrals?

As soon as I said I wanted to come out to my family later this year, my therapist said she'd help me with what to say and how to say it.

Incidentally she takes many insurances and came recommended by a trans guy. I don't know what insurance you have but PM me if you want info.

[Nicole Erin]

With the D.L, now I don't recommend this but when I moved back to Indiana, it took me like 3.5 years to get around to getting an Indiana DL. In that time I had never been pulled over, and of course I kind of fibbed to the DMV and said I had been there like 6 months or something. I think Indiana allows 90 days, but nothing came of it.

The only time not having a state ID becomes a real issue is if you get pulled over by the cops.

But just going to the DMV and getting an ID or DL, it doesn't truely matter how long you been there, I mean they don't ask a lot of questions.
BUT - call them ahead of time and find out what all docs you need to get it switched over. If you are not within state time guidelines, the worst that will happen is you might have to crawl around the parking lot naked while the employees beat you with whips, spit in your face, and show a video of it on the 10:00 news.

The good news is you probably still have a while before it is even required.
Just don't procrastinate like I always do.