What am I? :(

[CDastoria]

Hello all...
I very much welcome anyone's opinion on this one. I've been lurking on this board for years but I finally got the courage to type out my story. I'd love your thoughts and opinions. I really respect everyone's opinions and thoughts on this board.

As a warning, there is a sexual element to my posting so please do not read further if this sort of thing offends you. However, I would not be able to tell my story without it.

I'm currently a 32yo living as a male.

Around the time when I was 6 or 7, I started dressing up in my older sisters clothes. I think the first thing I wore was a dance recital outfit. I don't remember putting it on because it was feminine. All I remember was that it was tight and it felt good, especially around my genital region. I started to wear it every single day..and I gradually started wearing other things. No idea where it moved on from there but, needless to say, by the time I was 10, I was wearing panties, bra's, skirts, etc. I even remember saying out loud (to no one) that I wanted a sex change around that time. However, every time I dressed up, there as always something tight around my waist and I would squeeze my legs together and, although I didn't know it at the time, I was creating an orgasm. All I knew was that it felt amazing, like nothing I had ever felt before, and I became addicted.

Time went on and I became attracted to men, almost exclusively. I dated women but my attraction to them was really more emotional. I don't remember ever thinking that I wanted to BE them. I realized that what I was doing was masturbatory in nature and eventually learned to do it the "regular" way. Although crossdressing and fantasies came and went throughout this period, they were always there to a greater or lesser extent. However, I discovered males and gay erotica and that became my primary sort of release.

I had 3 gay relationships early on after coming out to my parents as gay. All 3 failed miserably and each broke my heart in their own way and hurt me tremendously. After the 3rd (which was 7 years ago), I haven't dated anyone regular since. My fantasies about dressing up and being a woman have gotten stronger since then. I live alone and have accumulated a very small arsenal of clothes. I've had regular bouts with severe depression and anxiety. I've even seen a dr here about starting hormones.

However, all of my fantasies regarding my gender are always sexual. There is never a time when I just daydream without it being sexual. Now, when I say that, I don't mean that they always involve another person. My fantasies could simply be about starting hormones or laying on a beach in a bikini or just having breasts. All of those things could turn me on (in addition to being treated as a male).

A lot of what I've read seems to classify me as a typical transsexual, i guess, but the sexual element is what confuses and frustrates me. If I don't release myself with thinking about that, a lot of times it will go away for a time, only to return eventually when I reach a point of utter frustration or depression in my life. I don't dress up very much even though I live alone. I don't always shave my body. I've never been out dressed. Also, as soon as I ejaculate, all of that "need" goes away. It's not disgust or shame that I feel in the least. I typcally just take all of those clothes off...until the need returns.

I live as a masculine gay male. There's really not a lot feminine about me. I think if I did eventually come out, friends would be very, very shocked.

However, I'm at a loss. Like I said, I've never written anything on these boards before. I just need some advice, thoughts, or help. :( Am I really trans? Do I just have a strong fetish? Is it a depression-coping method?

I dunno.

PS. Sorry this is so long. It's been a very long time leading up to this.

[Ze]

Hi CDastoria. :) Good for you for finally sharing your story after all the years of keeping it inside.

Although I'm from the other side of the fence, I feel I can relate to your bouts of depression and the constant questioning of who you are.

You mentioned that you've seen a doctor regarding hormones. Have you ever gone to a gender therapist to help figure out your identity? I always consider this move to be one of the best; if you find a decent therapist, they can help you uncover who you are. Or, as somebody else here recently said, they can help you clear out the clutter in your head in order to finally see clearly about yourself. I'm currently searching this route.

As a sidenote, I would urge you not to start hormones until you're more sure of yourself. It could end up hurting you if you later think you're not TS.

Again, congrats to you for finally reaching out. :hugs:

[CDastoria]

I have seen a dr. To be honest, he's a very reputable dr in the trans community here in NYC. However, he does not require you to see a therapist before you do it, though he strongly encourages it. He would rather girls or guys be under his care than to do it haphazardly.

And, to be honest, the idea of starting hormones and even seeing the dr was a huge turn on for me as well. Not sure if I would have gone through with it but the impulse was strong enough to feed my fantasies. :(

[Ze]

Especially in your case, I would also strongly encourage you to still see a licensed gender therapist on top of your medical doctor. :)

As hard as it is to do, try not to fret too much. :hugs: You'll get this sorted out eventually. I myself fret waaaay too much about my own identity and it gets me nowhere. If anything, it makes me so worried that I don't do anything, and hence start up a nasty cycle.

So be good to yourself. :) You'll figure this out.

[CDastoria]

Ze...thank you for being so kind. That's exactly where I am. I end up doing nothing. It's a cycle of frustration, anger, release....and back again :(

Obviously there is more to my story than what I've told above but I just wanted to get everyone's feedback since this community is so knowledgeable.

I wish it were cut and dry so I could just start hormones (or not, depending) but, unfortunately, this is the hand I was dealt.

[Ze]

Ze...thank you for being so kind.

Not a problem. :hugs: I try my best to help others, especially when I feel I can relate to their pain in some way.

[Hope]

There is absolutely no test or marker or definition that you have to pass, conform to or fit into in order to be trans. It's one of those situations where if you think you are... you probably are. And it is important to remember that gender is a spectrum, not a set of opposing opposites.

So here is what I read in a brief 1 sentence recap: "I get turned on wearing women's clothes, but after I get some "satisfaction" I am happy to return to life as a guy." Feel free to correct me if that is off base.

So it sounds to me like you are probably not trans, or if you are, then probably not very trans? I would guess that if you are comfortable living as a guy, if you enjoy being a guy, you probably are not terribly trans. It sounds to me like you are more of the classical fetishistic cross-dresser. No shame in that.

I am not saying that to diminish your experience at all. People are definitely sexual beings, and sex is a hugely important component of life - but if it is only one component. If the sexual stuff is the only time you are interested in being a woman ... If you don't want to be a woman making a deposit at the bank, or in the garden, or preparing dinner, or in your work, or having friends over... if you don't want to live the female role in the world, if you just want to dress up to get off - I think that makes you a cross dresser, not trans. Lucky you.

And Ze is sometimes right, and this is one of those times. If this is bothering you, you should see a therapist about it. There may be a lot more to it than what a few undertrained folks on a web forum can see.

[Barbara Dugan]

I agree with everyone. Its' a great idea to see a therapist. I went to see mine because my family doctor strongly recommend it, It was something that I really avoided most of my life for several personal reasons.
I was having your same questions even my story is slightly different but with many similarities like the depression and anxiety I had also suicidal thoughts, my intention was to deal with those issues first but those are consequence of my gender confusion something that I had all my life but I learned to suppress it since early age. I really surprise myself of the things I am able to confide with my therapist, I am really learning to understand and accept myself with the professional help and I hope you found the answers you are looking for:hugs:

[Ze]

And Ze is sometimes right

Does this mean we're made for each other? :daydreaming:

[GirlieAmanda]

I have had the same issues with sexual release having to come after nearly every "session" of Amanda. I started off playing with my Mom's handheld massager under my pantyhose and letting it just be under there just pleasuring away. Very submissive to its power. I had my first orgasm this way. It was life changing and the very beginning of CDing. I have been doing pretty much the same for 25 years now only it is much more emotional. I just recently have felt the need to not have to "finish" after a girl session. To just enjoy being a girl more emotionally. I feel I have come full circle. Maybe you will too. :daydreaming:

[Kaitlyn Michele]

:hugs:
There are no rules...you are you! one problem for us is that being yourself is confusing for many reasons..

your sexuality is irrelevant to your transness...dont worry about it..enjoy it

the sexual thing u talked about is common in transsexual women (ze? men? :heehee:) the thing of it is that no one is really sure why some girls are that way and others are not..i have found that some ts women have denied sexual feelings and later admitted as we became friends that they felt this sexual feeling too!!!

i think hope makes some excellent suggestions to think about..the ultimate question you will grapple with is your feeling MORE than sexual...

the fact that its sexual too doesnt preclude anything...ALL of my feelings were sexual for many years....why why why!?!?!?! arghh..i gave up asking why..

does living as a woman seem like it adds meaning to your life?
do you feel that in your later years you will regret your wasted male life
are you realizing that you just "dont get" guys...
these are all ways to get to the real question and real answer...are you a woman?

a good gender therapist and/or meeting lots of transpeople would do wonders for u!

all the best
kaitlyn

[Faith_G]

Hi CDastoria

I read your post earlier today and wasn't going to reply. I'm not really comfortable posting this. It's not pretty but it's the truth. I started stealing clothes from my mom and sisters after I was barred from the "dress-up" box that my sisters and I had used. This would have been around age 6, long before I had a clue what sex was. When I started puberty and the hormones hit, I first learned to pleasure myself similar to the way you did, by applying pressure to the tucked parts. I had no clue what I was doing, just that it felt amazing. I didn't figure out the "right" way to do that for several years. The sexual component to my dressing stayed around for another 20 years. I didn't dress simply to get off, I was able to do that the other way if necessary. But orgasm typically ended a dressing episode (plenty of shame and guilt for me though, lucky you!). That all subsided once I had the freedom to dress whenever I wanted. What I've found is that when you repress gender issues, that energy works itself out in other ways. And it's often sexual, during a time that I had purged I found myself addicted to tranny porn. It's not always a pure and pretty road we travel to get here...

Kaitlyn, your post shamed me into posting this. :hugs:

[Rianna Humble]

see a licensed gender therapist on top of your medical doctor.

:eek:Wouldn't that be uncomfortable for the two of them? :heehee:

[CDastoria]

First off, I want to thank EVERYONE in this thread for being so kind to me and giving me their honest opinions. It is truly appreciated.



So here is what I read in a brief 1 sentence recap: "I get turned on wearing women's clothes, but after I get some "satisfaction" I am happy to return to life as a guy." Feel free to correct me if that is off base.

Not exactly. Like I said, the turn on isn't really the clothes, per se. It could be doing anything: getting my nails done, getting dressed up, being able to wear a bikini on the beach, starting hormones, having breasts, having a vagina, etc. All of those things turn me on. I don't have to have women's clothes on to feel femme or to be turned on about it.




So it sounds to me like you are probably not trans, or if you are, then probably not very trans? I would guess that if you are comfortable living as a guy, if you enjoy being a guy, you probably are not terribly trans. It sounds to me like you are more of the classical fetishistic cross-dresser. No shame in that.
I wouldn't say I'm amazingly comfortable living as a male. I've always been uncomfortable with my body hair and being shirtless outdoors. I'm not very good, nor interested in sports. I'm VERY emotional and sensitive, always have been.



And Ze is sometimes right, and this is one of those times. If this is bothering you, you should see a therapist about it. There may be a lot more to it than what a few undertrained folks on a web forum can see.

Agreed. I guess i'm just really, really scared :(



your sexuality is irrelevant to your transness...dont worry about it..enjoy it

the sexual thing u talked about is common in transsexual women (ze? men? :heehee:) the thing of it is that no one is really sure why some girls are that way and others are not..i have found that some ts women have denied sexual feelings and later admitted as we became friends that they felt this sexual feeling too!!!

i think hope makes some excellent suggestions to think about..the ultimate question you will grapple with is your feeling MORE than sexual...

the fact that its sexual too doesnt preclude anything...ALL of my feelings were sexual for many years....why why why!?!?!?! arghh..i gave up asking why..

does living as a woman seem like it adds meaning to your life?
do you feel that in your later years you will regret your wasted male life
are you realizing that you just "dont get" guys...
these are all ways to get to the real question and real answer...are you a

I've never "gotten" guys. I've never thought that way. It's weird. Never totally understood them. Like I said above, I'm MUCH more emotional than most men.
As far as my later years and adding meaning are concerned, I guess I never really thought of it. I can't picture me at 60 or 70. :(

One more thing to mention, I've actually already had several sessions of laser hair removal on my body and 7 sessions on my face but I stopped. My biggest problem was that I always got ingrown hairs on my face and the laser has thinned it out considerably. Yet i wouldn't be upset if it were gone completely.

[Lexine]

I think trying to fit yourself in a specific gender "category" might be confusing you a lot more than its helping. I mentioned in another thread that gender identity and your sexual orientation are two completely different things and its difficult to make this disassociation since this is how we were taught to accept this.

I agree with one of the posters here that you might be a fetishist cross-dresser... and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. I've given up labeling myself as male and female when I inherently realized that I have both traits from both genders and, over the years, they've blended. I even went as far as testing my sexuality and realized early on that I wasn't attracted to boys at all and I'd much prefer the company of a sweet and loving woman who accepts both my sides.

In the end, I wound up realizing that I was androgyne and had no intentions of taking hormones to be a full time woman but love the attention I get for being the way that I am. I can be a boy, a girl, or a blend of both at whim... well, not exactly, but you get what I mean.

I think the important part though is that you're able to identify a lot of the things that you mentioned and I believe the next step is probably seeing a gender therapist, should you really want to know where you fall into. Until then, live your life the way you've always lived it and figure it out as it goes along.

[Michaela42]

I agree with Katlin Michelle: you are you, just as I am I. Humans, for the most part, do not fit into nice and neat little categories; we are NOT numbers. I also agree with all of the other posters here in that if it helps you then see a therapist. For me, I am 35/36 years old and I have been questioning "what" I am for the better part of those years and the only answer I have ever come up with is that "I am I". Be yourself, it is the only way I have found to be for any real happiness :2c:

[SuzanneBender]

Astoria,

Welcome to posting in the forum and thanks for sharing your story. All of us learn from each other as we read about each other's journey.

Here is my advice for what it is worth. See a gender therapist besides (not on top of. It is uncomfy Rianna) you normal doctor.

Stop worrying about what category you fit in. The only thing that comes of it is wrinkles around your eyes and on your forehead. I am a fine example. If you ask me what category I am the best I can narrow it down to is transgendered. As time goes on you will find where you are comfy.

It doesn't sound like you are driven to dressing for sexual pleasure you just find that you derive pleasure from dressing. Thats foreign to me but it sounds logical enough. Hormones will likely have an impact on your sexual desire. I am not saying start them, but it will be interesting to see what impact if any hormones have on this aspect if you do start them.

Good luck and please post more.

[Jessinthesprings]

Ok first of all I just want to say I am not a doctor, but you did ask for our opinions. I do not think you are transexual. While a transexual may have sexual feelings about being a woman (i my self imagine being with a man being treated as a woman) the clothes are rarely sexual and at least for me an orgasim does not make it go away.

I belive that you are a crossdresser with a crossdressing fetish. While that may sound bad, trust me there is nothing wrong with it, and your life just a whole lot less complicated. If I was you I would try going out "dressed", an d maybe even haveing an "encounter" dressed as well. Goes without saying if you do the latter you should be safe about it.

Other than that you should and could seek out other like minded individuals. A support group has memebers from all walks and areas of the spectrum, and all the ones I know want you to come dressed however you are comfortable. There is also another option. While I cannot think of the parent organization the United Court of the Pikes Peak Empire (in Colorado Springs, CO) puts on drag shows for charity (hey good cause). Not all of the members are even transgendered and most are gay or bi. Since the parent organization is international it is a good possibility that there is one close to you.

It may not be a bad idea to seek out a gender therapist who has experiance with trans people. He/She should not tell you what you are but, get you to realize that on your own by acting as a guide. The thing about that is, you have to be honest with yourself.

good luck

[Ms Jennifer]

WOW This is a really good post with some great responses. Looks like a lot of us have gone through the same things.I too went through the release and change back but now just want to be en femme when I can without the urges even tho they are still there.While this site is like a group theraphy session and I love it ,It does not replace professional advice.These are things we have all been trying to work out so you are not alone in your feelings and as long as you are not hurting others then how can it be wrong.So,buy a new dress and have fun.

[Midnight Skye]

Love the posts here, everyone is bringing up really great points. Seeing a therapist would be a really good step for you.

One thing I'm not hearing from you. Do you ever dress up for non-sexual reasons? Do you ever just want to be female to be feminine feeling inside and out? At least from what you're saying you sound like some of our dual-gendered girls here. Who are content living as a man (and enjoy it to some degree)... but love to go all out female for all kinds of reasons. In your case it sounds like your sexuality is quite dependent on your inner femininity. Do you ever enjoy your sexuality without some kind of femininity or dressing involved?

[Empress Lainie]

To me for years the most HORRIBLE thing I could think of was to be an OLD MAN.

NOW I am extremely happy to be AN OLD WOMAN!

In my case there was never anything sexual about it, I just knew I was different and didn't fit in with the boys. Didn't like anything they did, always preferred company of girls.

But in Deidre McCloskey's book CROSSING, she state that she would crossdress and masturbate before the day she got her Epiphany.

[CDastoria]

First off, I want to thank so many of you AGAIN for your help. You have no idea how many years I've spent reading this forum and never posting. I don't know what came over me or why I got the courage to do it now but I'm very happy I did.
Thank you...thank you...thank you!

To address some of your comments and questions (which I absolutely welcome)...

If I were "just a crossdresser," I don't think I'd fantasize so much about having breasts or a vagina. I don't think I'd have had 7 laser sessions on my beard. And I would think that I would only be turned on by the clothes, which I'm not. I'm turned on by all of it.


In your case it sounds like your sexuality is quite dependent on your inner femininity. Do you ever enjoy your sexuality without some kind of femininity or dressing involved?

I occasionally do. I have to say that, in the last 5-7 years, it's gotten MUCH stronger. By that, I mean that more and more of my sexual fantasies revolve around being a woman. There are definitely times when I am able to look at gay movies and reach bliss that way...but I'm (more often than not) drawn to things about trans people (and sometimes straight). My sexuality is VERY much dependent upon my femininity. I am turned on by men who want to see me as a woman. Who prefer me to shave my legs or wear sexy things for them. And, as I said, I'm not really very turned on by gay men. It's strange.
If I'm with someone and I'm finding it very hard to *ahem* finish, I have to imagine myself as a female in order to do so. Sometimes it's the only way to do it.

As for if I ever dress up for non-sexual reasons, I have not. The problem is that, if I start to dress up or see myself as a woman...the feelings are so strong and intense that I really cannot control them. Even if I don't touch myself, it won't make much of a difference. The few times that I've gotten dressed up to go out, I've been so nervous/excited/??? that I would sweat like crazy. Not sure what that's all about.

I'm aware that this strongly puts me in the category of autogynephelia but it seems like there is such a stigma surrounding it. I'm not saying that I would transition or not because of it. it's just what it is. But...I'm still at a loss. :( Paralyzed, really.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

the concept of your sexuality getting mixed up in your gender identity has a bad word "auto.." associated with it, but theres nothing wrong with it..

no one here can answer the question, and all one can do is compare to themselves and their experiences...it seems to me that imagining yourself as a woman is a totally normal feeling for a ts woman, and getting sexual pleasure from it doesnt mean one thing or another..it just is..

one thing you can do to get your mind out of all the preconcieved notions is to look at all the posts...

read them and then take a sec and consider how you feel..

you have a fetish!!! does that sound right to you?

you are a crossdresser and that's an easier road to hoe!!! how does that make u feel??? not what do you think...how do you feel? then you can consider why you felt that way... think about it the next day and the next...is your feeling the same? its a just a mind trick, but it can work

saying things like you are paralyzed may be a hint...you already crossdress...you already enjoy your sexual life...what is paralyzing about that?? do i have to say it??

[Laurie Ann]

Cdastoria I have read all the replies to your question. I have some extensive research and my opinion you are a border collie

[CDastoria]

the concept of your sexuality getting mixed up in your gender identity has a bad word "auto.." associated with it, but theres nothing wrong with it..

no one here can answer the question, and all one can do is compare to themselves and their experiences...it seems to me that imagining yourself as a woman is a totally normal feeling for a ts woman, and getting sexual pleasure from it doesnt mean one thing or another..it just is..

one thing you can do to get your mind out of all the preconcieved notions is to look at all the posts...

read them and then take a sec and consider how you feel..

you have a fetish!!! does that sound right to you?

you are a crossdresser and that's an easier road to hoe!!! how does that make u feel??? not what do you think...how do you feel? then you can consider why you felt that way... think about it the next day and the next...is your feeling the same? its a just a mind trick, but it can work

saying things like you are paralyzed may be a hint...you already crossdress...you already enjoy your sexual life...what is paralyzing about that?? do i have to say it??

I would like anyone here with an educated opinion to share it. I'm not asking for anyone to play therapist. I just want to hear what people think about my situation.

If you'd feel more comfortable, I live in NYC. Are you close?

[EnglishRose]

I had a few things that expanded my thoughts when I was exploring my gender. I took the COGIATI test and quickly realized how full of stereotypical crap it was. However, I got very upset because my result was androgyny, and that in itself told me a lot. Also, there was a free-form questions page that really got to me.


4. If I do nothing, I will lose the ability to be accepted as a female forever, and within about five years. How do I feel? What does this make me want to do?

When I burst into tears and sobbed, that told me yet more about myself.

Here's the page. I just decided it was very thought provoking, even if it and indeed nobody else can tell you who you are.

http://www.transsexual.org/provocateur.html

[Faith_G]

saying things like you are paralyzed may be a hint...you already crossdress...you already enjoy your sexual life...what is paralyzing about that?? do i have to say it??I'll say it in case she's not connecting the dots.

Woman with a strong libido.

[CDastoria]

I thought COGIATI was crap as well. I don't even remember what my result was. I'm not very good at tests so, after a while, the questions just seemed redundant and annoying.

So...you think i'm really a woman with a strong libido? Is it that simple?

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Hi cdastoria..

not sure how to take your message...

i'm not sure what you mean about playing therapist vs an educated opinion vs what people think about your situation..

btw

for $0.00 per hour you are only gonna get play therapists and lots of uneducated opinions too....:heehee:

[Rianna Humble]

I would like anyone here with an educated opinion to share it. I'm not asking for anyone to play therapist. I just want to hear what people think about my situation.

I hope that you didn't mean this to be as insulting as it seems about those who have tried to contribute to this discussion.

My educated opinion is that anyone who insults those who try to help isn't generally interested in the answer to their questions.

[StephaniAnn]

:eek:wouldn't that be uncomfortable for the two of them? :heehee:

lmao!

[CDastoria]

I hope that you didn't mean this to be as insulting as it seems about those who have tried to contribute to this discussion.

My educated opinion is that anyone who insults those who try to help isn't generally interested in the answer to their questions.

Ugh. No. That's entirely NOT what I meant. :( I didn't mean for it to come across as condescending in the least and, to those who took it that way, I sincerely apologize. :(

[StephaniAnn]

Ugh. No. That's entirely NOT what I meant. :( I didn't mean for it to come across as condescending in the least and, to those who took it that way, I sincerely apologize. :(

Things get lost in translation. Especially in text! Guessing that's why you asked about meeting in person. ;)
My guess is that you meant you weren't pressuring people to try and do what a therapist has to do.

As far as educated opinion (that implies an education, maybe even licensing), if you mean "experienced opinion", there may or may not be people here who have known someone dealing with the exact same issue as you are. Everyone might try to relate but the situations are just different from yours.

So it's hard to give an opinion without doing the therapist routine. (only..... the girls here will not charge you an arm and a leg for it, lol!)
I'm not a real therapist but I play one on the internet. :D (For those who remember the pain medicine commercial.....)


A therapist is a great aid. To me, therapists are like medicine.
Medicine does not cure or heal. It attempts to knock the bad things out of the way so your immune system will heal itself.
If the immune system ain't working, there's nothing the medicine can do.
A therapist tries to enable you to figure yourself out. Or as a friend (Dianna) once told me "sometimes you have to get out of your own way". I think therapists help to do that.

[AmandaM]

Then again, I knew a post-op transsexual. She said she used to pleasure herself while looking at women's clothing magazines pre-op, but now she just looks at the clothes. So the sexual component may exist for some transsexuals. I also recommend therapy.

[Elsa Larson]

Being aroused by your feminine attributes sounds like autogynephilia. (This spelling is correct - look it up on Wikipedia.)

There's a huge debate among well-respected transgendered individuals as to whether this condition even exists. I don't want to take sides because I respect many of the transgendered people on both sides of the debate.

Some fear that admitting to such feelings defines them as fetishistic crossdressers instead of women. Others believe that some natal women have similar feelings about their own bodies so the term should be expanded to anyone who identifies as female.

IMHO, your feelings are well within the "normal" range. And even if it is outside the norm, different does not equal bad.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

:heehee: I'll never let an autogynephilia reference slip by!!

regardless of the sloppy science and all the politics around it, LOTS of transwomen get aroused at the thought of themselves as women!

It still happens to me sometimes post op!!!!

Whatever it means, it doesnt mean a thing in regards to whether you are transsexual and lots of harm was done to people (like me) who were told there is no way you are transsexual (including by other transsexuals)..

i bring it up all the time because I have met many people that have felt plagued by this arousal and how it makes them feel about themselves..

:hugs:

[CDastoria]

:heehee: I'll never let an autogynephilia reference slip by!!

regardless of the sloppy science and all the politics around it, LOTS of transwomen get aroused at the thought of themselves as women!

It still happens to me sometimes post op!!!!

Whatever it means, it doesnt mean a thing in regards to whether you are transsexual and lots of harm was done to people (like me) who were told there is no way you are transsexual (including by other transsexuals)..

i bring it up all the time because I have met many people that have felt plagued by this arousal and how it makes them feel about themselves..

:hugs:

But is it usually this intense? Wouldn't this be fetish territory?

[StephaniAnn]

But is it usually this intense? Wouldn't this be fetish territory?

OK, I'm going to throw something out that's probably going to make you mad, CD. It's not my intention to make you angry but it may be a by-product. I feel it's a necessary evil to ask this:

What are you really afraid of? (I may be totally wrong in presuming you're afraid)

If it's that you are just that determined to classify yourself because you're curious where you fit in, I do understand that feeling, BTW and can completely identify with that need.

The message I'm getting is that it (whether you define it as a fetish or not), is completely normal and totally common.
It doesn't cause you to fit into one category or the other just because it's so overwhelming to you.


no charge, by the way, CD :) I'm not a real therapist, I only play one on the internet!

[Kaitlyn Michele]

yes...its that intense...and i know many women that have the same feeling

and wondering whether it was a fetish ;or if i was the only one (obviously i wasnt) almost killed me.

and saying "i'm paralyzed" is a perfect way to say how i felt and my quality of life was zero....

[morgan pure]

Oh my God!

I was just about to post this question. I am so, what's the word? Conflicted. I have studied women for many years and I'm not one.

I MUST have a woman's body, I MUST wear women's clothes. I NOT a man.

I must be a border collie too.

As anyone expereince with the reaction to transistioning of female friends.

Who here has been accepted as a woman by women?

It's probably not such a big deal, because they stop relating to each other after puberty.

Morgan

[CDastoria]

OK, I'm going to throw something out that's probably going to make you mad, CD. It's not my intention to make you angry but it may be a by-product. I feel it's a necessary evil to ask this:

What are you really afraid of? (I may be totally wrong in presuming you're afraid)

If it's that you are just that determined to classify yourself because you're curious where you fit in, I do understand that feeling, BTW and can completely identify with that need.

The message I'm getting is that it (whether you define it as a fetish or not), is completely normal and totally common.
It doesn't cause you to fit into one category or the other just because it's so overwhelming to you.


no charge, by the way, CD :) I'm not a real therapist, I only play one on the internet!

You didn't make me mad in the least! No one in this thread has. I'm only appreciative of the attention and kindness that everyone has shown me.

What am I afraid of? Doing something purely for sexual reasons. But it's a "chicken/egg" situation. I'm not sure if the need to be a woman came first or if the sexuality was born out of that. :( They've never been separated. There is no bigger turn on, to me, than being though of as a woman.
However, I don't know if that's enough to transition. Or if anyone would say "I think that is enough to make you transsexual and you would be happier transitioning." :(

[morgan pure]

Faith G,

That was beautiful. Thank you.

M

[Rianna Humble]

What am I afraid of? Doing something purely for sexual reasons. But it's a "chicken/egg" situation. I'm not sure if the need to be a woman came first or if the sexuality was born out of that. :( They've never been separated. There is no bigger turn on, to me, than being though of as a woman.
However, I don't know if that's enough to transition. Or if anyone would say "I think that is enough to make you transsexual and you would be happier transitioning." :(

I understand your confusion and it is good that you are not just rushing headlong into transition, but I would like to join my voice to those who have urged you to see a Gender Counsellor. Not everyone who sees a Counsellor will necessarily transition, for some it can even bring out the fact that they are not transsexual.

It is not the of of a counsellor to tell you that you are or are not TS, nor to tell you that you will or won't be happier if you transition, it is their job to ask the difficult questions that will lead you to discover the answer for yourself.

As you are going in with some doubts, the counsellor should be able to help you to test those doubts in order to come up with an answer that is uniquely your own.

[CDastoria]

I understand your confusion and it is good that you are not just rushing headlong into transition, but I would like to join my voice to those who have urged you to see a Gender Counsellor. Not everyone who sees a Counsellor will necessarily transition, for some it can even bring out the fact that they are not transsexual.

It is not the of of a counsellor to tell you that you are or are not TS, nor to tell you that you will or won't be happier if you transition, it is their job to ask the difficult questions that will lead you to discover the answer for yourself.

As you are going in with some doubts, the counsellor should be able to help you to test those doubts in order to come up with an answer that is uniquely your own.

Right. I guess I just don't know if i can come to that conclusion by myself. Unless there's a test or some sort of marker that makes it definitive, I think I will always question. :(

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Unless there's a test or some sort of marker that makes it definitive, I think I will always question. :(

:hugs: I know...it sucks.

the only test is to start dealing with "it"...
head in a direction (of your choice)
thats how you know.

and the reason everybody harps on therapists is because its a safe, effective, non permanent way to start doing "it"..

[ReineD]

At the risk of offending many, if not everyone in this thread, have you ever considered that you simply might have a sexual compulsion/addiction? Or that it might be a fetish for you? Whether you are gay or not is immaterial. I ask this because you said that no matter what you do or think about, it takes on a sexual nature, even if it is about being treated like a guy.

I'm mentioning this for you to consider, and perhaps bring it up with a gender therapist when you do see one, if only to rule it out.

I also want to add that you'll get opinions weighted heavily in favor of being TS if you post in TS forums. You'll get entirely different opinions if you post is fetish forums. And still different if you post in purely CD forums. The best thing to do is to seek a professional opinion, and even then, try to find someone who is objective. :hugs:

Edit I just saw the part about HRT. I seriously would not recommend doing this, not until you know without a doubt that you are TS.

[Ze]

Very good point, Reine. And like you said, hence why a gender therapist is so important. And honestly with said therapist. :)

[StephaniAnn]

You didn't make me mad in the least! No one in this thread has. I'm only appreciative of the attention and kindness that everyone has shown me.

What am I afraid of? Doing something purely for sexual reasons. But it's a "chicken/egg" situation. I'm not sure if the need to be a woman came first or if the sexuality was born out of that. :( They've never been separated. There is no bigger turn on, to me, than being though of as a woman.
However, I don't know if that's enough to transition. Or if anyone would say "I think that is enough to make you transsexual and you would be happier transitioning." :(


I hate to poke but I'm glad to know you're not very defensive about the nosy questions. :)
I may be repeating what someone else asked but:

What feels natural to you? If being thought of as a woman feels natural, then I'd say there's a very good chance you are TG (not a licensed opinion, just a logical one!) :D

Is the turn-on all of the time? Or only occasionally.

[angeltrans]

Hey, i just found this forum, cant remember how, i just stumbled onto it. Im a bit hesitant to post but i don't think i can resist as i am going through exactly what you guys are talking about. Im quite amazed at how my feelings have been mirrored. Id just like to add my experience, i hope someone will get something from it as i have got a lot from this thread.
Anyway im currently seeing a gender therapist i know im trans something, I have been taking hormones and recently came off them as im not ready to go further.

So i can completely relate to you CDastoria, i started dressing around age 5. I remember my first feeling that i was different, it was when i was about 4 and i was with my friend whose a girl, she was wearing her dance outfit, a pink ballerina type thing. I saw her and turned to my mum and asked when i can get one of those outfits, she said that i couldn't because i was a boy, i cried. I remember thinking "why cant i wear that?" I thought if i had to be a boy how boring that would be? So i started to wear my mums clothes, pantyhose and bras, then she told me not to do it, that i was a boy and boys don't do that, so i quickly learned that what i was doing was wrong, i learnt that i was wrong and i hid my dressing and repressed my cross gender feelings.

Like you i also was attracted to "tight" things - tights, leotards etc. I liked the tight feeling over my body and around my crotch. I liked the way a woman looked in tights and i wanted to look like the women i saw. Around puberty i learned that i could touch myself in a way that felt really good while dressed in tight clothing. One day i came and i felt amazing shame and guilt. I didn't have a clue why i did what i did, i thought i was weird and very wrong. I identified as being a fetishist after finding websites about spandex fetishism and so on. Most of the time i couldn't control my feelings. I tried to supress them but they always came back. Id see women and just want to look like them, why couldn't i? Id supress myself for so long and then i just couldn't control it. The only way to stop the head chatter telling me to wear female clothes was by masturbating, so i ended up masturbating like 3-4 times a day.

So obviously these feelings didn't go away i still have them to this day. But somethings have changed. About 8 months ago i got sick of the cycle of dressing, feeling guilt, vowing never to do it again, supressing then "needing" to dress again, dressing, ejaculating and so on. So what i did is i just went with the feelings, not trying to suppress them. I found i still had a lot of the sexual feelings and i did my best not to ejaculate because when i ejaculated the feelings went away. So i went with the feelings and i found that i just wanted to be female, just to wear female clothes and just be. For so long i thought my problem was just sexual, i was a sexual pervert. When i stopped suppressing feelings i found a whole new element to it, i just wanted to be a girl and i questioned whether this was "just a fetish". Now onto my next step…

I decided to go and see a gender therapist - one of the most scariest things vie done in my life. Like everyone else has said it is a must for any trans person or fetishist i think and i highly recommend it. The interesting thing that happened when i starting talking to my therapist is that the sexual feelings diminished and nearly went away. I had gone from masturbating 3-4 times a day to once a week. It just wasn't about sex anymore. And this is just from talking about my feelings - no hormones. This is my experience and may not be yours, but the point im trying to make is that seeing a therapist made a big difference for me.

As others have said i don't know why these feelings come up as sexual fantasies, my guess is that i was supressing my gender so much, it had to come up some way and sex was the way it manifested. As Faith said, the energy works itself out in other ways. Why its sexual i don't know, weird hey? I would purge my clothe and try to watch "normal" porn (whatever that is) with men and women having sex, id only be able to come if i imagined myself in the female role.

So at first i thought i was just a crossdresser - because i had these sexual feelings i couldn't be transsexual. Then i started reading into transsexualism and found that many girls start off getting sexual pleasure from dressing. So then i couldn't rule it out. I went to my therapist and told him that i don't know whether its a sexual thing i need to overcome or if its gender dysphoria.
The thing i found is that im not comfortable living as a guy, i feel uncomfortable when my friends ask me to do manly things. I can relate to women better, i don't want to grow as a guy, i hate body hair etc. Dressing in womens clothes isn't enough for me because when i see myself in the mirror i see a guy in girls clothes, my body isn't right. Clothes arnt enough for me.

I have spent the last few months trying to label myself, am i trans - gender, sexual, or just a weird fetishist???? I don't have the energy to work that out any more. Im just me, whatever whoever that is. The next question for me is about hormones, how will i feel with female hormones. So i tried it. It was good, i was calmer, more content, my sex drive dropped rapidly which was great. I never liked the sexual side of my dressing, it always seemed to ruin it for me. My body hair stopped growing - great. And i started growing boobs - great but wow, scary. I got to a point where it would be hard for me to hide it and i wasn't ready for transition. So transsexual, crossdresser ? Weirdo? I don't know, i know i want to be a girl and hormones worked for me, what am i? im still me.

The part that im struggling with now is this. After taking the hormones and my sex drive dropping i didn't have the sexual feelings. BUT, after 3 months on hormones, just before i was due to stop them, surprise, my sex drive came back. I was wearing girls clothes and getting turned on. Why? Im on hormones i thought, this shouldn't be happening. So i beat myself up about it, i definitely cant be trans if im still getting sexual feelings… and so on. This is the crux of my problem, the sexual thing. If i didn't have the sexual thing i think i would transition, but because i have sexual feelings i question my transness and my motives for transition.

So i went to my therapist with this conundrum - that is what they are good for (although frustrating as they wont tell you what you are, you have to work that out for yourself, but they will help). I told him about the sexual feelings and how i didn't think i could be trans. He said "so do you think that transsexual women don't have sexual feelings?" He told me how women get turned on by wearing certain clothes. Women in general have a sexier dress code than men. I mean womens clothes are sexy full stop. They ooze that eroticism when they wear - tight dresses, pants, lingerie. In contrast, men don't have that, mens dress is somewhat boring. When i was a kid and my mum told me i had to wear boys clothes i thought "how boring". Women can and do dress to be sexy, men don't. Women are sexy in a way that men are not. And i think that men don't want that eroticism, it never crosses their minds, they like seeing it but thats as far as it goes. (im just speculating, i cant tell what others think.) Sexy clothes for women have an element of eroticism and empowerment, i don't think that is the same for guys. And wouldn't it be natural that if i see myself as a woman then when im more aligned with that gender then ill feel sexy, erotic, empowered??? Maybe that sexual feeling is normal for a girl and if im a girl then… well… yeah.

So i have learnt that its ok to be sexual. I know all of this, but still i have this shame about it. I don't know what i am, i don't know whats right for me, im confused and thats ok. I do think thought that for me this whole here "thing" is more than a fetish, its about being, identity, just being a girl. Still when the sexual thoughts come in so does the doubt.

I cant stress what a difference a therapist will make. For me i couldn't have got where i am without my therapist. Id still be in the closet beating myself up because im a sexual fetishist, pervert freak. Im me and i feel like a girl and yes i have sexual thoughts, i want to be sexy and erotic and i want to feel unashamed of that. Im working on it. So hormones are good for me, i don't know when i will go back on them, i know they are there if i want them. When the pain of not changing outweighs the fear of changing, thats when ill make a step. The bottom lime for me is that i don't want to grow old as a guy. As a girl i have aspirations, a lust for life, as a guy i just think, "how boring"!!!

So i just had to post that. Im not sorry if a rambled on… Hope someone gets something from it. And CDastoria - i don't know what or who you are, i just relate to your story and i thought id tell mine. So yeah.

Thanks for a great thread.
Look forward to hearing from you people, whatever you are.
Love
Angeltrans

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Angel that was very moving and took alot of guts to share:hugs:

i hope you can figure things out for yourself and have a great quality of life no matter what you decide

[TerryTerri]

However, all of my fantasies regarding my gender are always sexual. There is never a time when I just daydream without it being sexual.

My experience, in the begining, had the same sexual context. However, In retrospect, for me, I think it was the only way my subconscience female self was able to raise it into my conscience mind. However, once I started seeing a gender therapist and her affirmation of my being transgendered allowed me to 'factually' accept that I am transgendered, the sexual side of all of it sort of dropped away. At this point, it is definitely NOT about sex anymore. It is the fact that I have a female soul/spirit and I have been living in a male body all these years thinking my soul/spirit was also male.

Currently sex questions are, well, questions. I'm not a female physically and not a male mentally and emotionally. I'm sure somwhere along the way that I will rectify all that somehow. But, at this point, I'm celibate, not romantically involved with anyone and I have no desire to become romantically involved.

my 2 cents. btw, Welcome to the forum. I have received enormous help support and acceptence here. Hope your experience here ends up being beneficial to you. Lots of wonderful souls in this forum!!!

[Sky]

cdastoria,

Sexual questions in this forum carry a bit of a risk. I know by experience. Some members of the community are not comfortable discussing somebody's sexuality. Myself I have no problems -and before I get started let me state that, just like you, I dress up mostly for sexual gratification (not completely but mostly).

One word I have not seen often within the answers is "acceptance". On the other hand, I saw lots of labels (fetishist crossdresser?). Labels don't mean anything. Accepting who you are (no matter how the rest of the world calls it) means a lot.

Getting aroused when en femme should be nothing special. It sure happens to me -every time. Feeling the need to throw it all away afterwards is just a male fact -the refractory period when you want nothing to do with sex, be it as a man or as a woman.

So I feel that there's no need to fix anything about you. Whether you call yourself a crossdresser or anything else doesn't really matter. If you are comfortable in your own skin -maybe you are not yet but you can learn- then your own form of sexuality is as good as anybody else. A therapist could help you achieving that -but in some of the posts, well intentioned or not, I see a not-so-hidden suggestion towards "seeing a therapist so you can leave that behind", which is a terrible mistake. You are who you are.

[BRANDYJ]

Well said Sky. I'm sure you are right. Not many CD's will admit that they dress more for sexual gratification then for other reasons. My educated guess is that for many, it all started out as something more sexual then for any of the other reasons we may admit to. But I think for many of us, we move on to things like just enjoying the experience of living for a short period of time, as what we admire, adore, love envy or even lust after. For many it is an escape from the demands on their everyday masculine life. It's comfortable, it's exciting, it's relaxing and even a bit of a fantasy or role play. Nothing wrong with any of the reasons we might have. And I'd bet that for many even though the sexual aspect has taken a back seat to our other reasons, it's still there in many of us. I think as we mature, we do develop a feminine side and then need to express it. Or maybe that feminine side has always been there from birth. I don't think we will ever know for sure.

[Rianna Humble]

I have yet to see the most obvious answer to your question. You ask "What am I" - the reply is , you are a human being.

If you meant to ask "Who am I", then I'm afraid no-one but you can answer that one, but seeing a counsellor will help guide you towards the questions that will eventually let you discover the right answer for yourself.

Meanwhile, you are still part of the family, so enjoy yourself.

[StephaniAnn]

And i think that men don't want that eroticism, it never crosses their minds, they like seeing it but thats as far as it goes. (im just speculating, i cant tell what others think.) Sexy clothes for women have an element of eroticism and empowerment, i don't think that is the same for guys. And wouldn't it be natural that if i see myself as a woman then when im more aligned with that gender then ill feel sexy, erotic, empowered??? Maybe that sexual feeling is normal for a girl and if im a girl then… well… yeah.

Cycling shorts are a good introduction for nonTG's whose minds it never crosses (as you mentioned about wearing erotic clothes).
I think tight clothes probably feel very good to many people.

As far as women's sexy clothes (the eroticism and empowerment thing), you may have something there. Many strippers claim how their work (and their clothes) make them feel empowered.

Perhaps not all TGs like to (or maybe don't feel comfortable with it in the moral sense) wear the tight, exotic, sexy stuff because some TGs dress very, very conservatively.
So perhaps CD-ing is not necessarily a sexual issue with them. The same goes for GG women who always wear conservative clothing.

[CDastoria]

I would like to CONTINUE to thank everyone here (including AngelTrans) for their advice and kindness. You have no idea how much I appreciate it.

So a slight update...
One of the things I don't believe I mentioned is that I really haven't dated much over the last 7 years. For some reason, I've been too afraid to do it because I know that, eventually, I'm going to have to admit my preferences to the men I date. Since I am looking for a relationship and present as a man, I really don't have a choice but to date gay men. The straight men than I've been with all say they WOULD date me but, unfortunately, I'm not full time nor am I on hormones and that seems to be the big sticking point, understandably.
So...I met a gay man...who is very sweet, a bit older than I...and he's a make-up artist. I actually disclosed my preferences to him since I feel like I could definitely learn something from him and I also didn't think I would be judged. Turns out...it's extremely exciting for him as well. He's always wanted a boyfriend that he could transform and whatknot and, for some reason, he's always been attracted to trans (but not drag queens).
He says he'd have no problems if i transitioned...etc.
Anyway...I guess there's a part of me that sees this as a big opportunity to find out where I stand. It's someone that can help me look "real" and help me with my wardrobe. And plus, he's a total sweetie.
Of course, nothing seems to change: it's left me completely paralyzed and now I'm scared of this opportunity. It's just so strange. :(

[Rianna Humble]

Thank you for the update. why not see where this will lead? If you are OK to be dating a gay chap and he is OK with you being TG, it could work out for both of you.

[Danni Bear]

Astoria,

I started exactly the same way difference was I was not attracted to men. till now hubby is all I could ask for. cd or tg or ts only you can make that decision with a lot of guidence and help from a good therapist. get it don't wait the feelings don't subside they take over your life.
however it turns out for you know that we are all here to help you just ask and one will always be there. good luck in your quest to yourself


Danni:hugs:

[CDastoria]

Been having a really rough few days.
Personally...professionally.
All I've been doing is pleasuring myself, thinking of myself as a female. A lot of times, all I have to do is think of myself with a vagina to get off ;(

I just don't know if that means it's a fetish or more.

It tends to happen more and be more serious when I'm depressed. I feel the need to escape much more often. Dare I say it's compulsive. :(

[jambam]

Sorry for bumping an oldish thread, but I just have to say that I started out exactly the same as you, CDastoria. When I first started crossdressing, it was 100% sexual. I would put on the clothes, masturbate, and when I finished, I'd feel ashamed of myself and take them off. I wouldn't put them back on again until I felt that "need" again.

However, most of the sexual need is gone now. I've gotten to the point where I wear panties under my regular clothes 24/7 because it just feels like the right thing to do, and I've fully dressed from time to time. I now identify as transsexual, even though I still do get aroused from it occasionally. I believe that the sexual need comes from repressing your desires to be feminine. My sexual urges didn't disappear until I started listening to my feelings and accepting myself.

I used to think that you couldn't get aroused from imagining yourself as female and be transsexual at the same time... I thought that you had to be one or the other and not both. However, after reading others' posts and listening to my own feelings, I really believe that this isn't true. You can be a transsexual and still have sexual feelings.

[shapeshifter]

Thanks for the bump! I'm 22 and I feel somewhat similarly.

Since elementary school, I've felt that male clothes were less interesting and had less variety, that you had to dress boring - in cut and color - to be male. I didn't wear tights, but I would sneak my mom's underwear and makeup, and wear over them my pair of daisy dukes and a shirt tied sexily. I looked so good... it really turned me on! (Okay, I guess what little fabric was there was tight...) When I shave my legs... same thing.

I feel like I have a female sexuality. In high school, comparing notes with my friends, I learned that it was unacceptable to masturbate with a shower head and unusual to have multiple orgasms pretty much every session. I had my first sex in college, and didn't enjoy it very much. (Well, there were a couple of special times... :o) But mostly, I felt that my girlfriend was the one having the better time.

As I've done more self exploration (both spiritually and physically :heehee:), the feeling's only gotten stronger. Whenever I masturbate these days, I pretend I am a woman. I often fantasize about being on top, but in those fantasies I am grinding, not thrusting. I enjoy receptive anal, but only when pretending I have a vagina.

These days, the feeling I get from dressing or thinking about it is more often the butterflies-in-stomach feeling you get while on dates than a turn-on. Though on dates I sometimes do get turned-on despite having butterflies in my stomach... It's the same thing with turning into a woman.

This thread may be the final thing that convinces me to see a gender therapist.

[CDastoria]

Anyone else have any thoughts/opinions? :(

[maya1love]

Hey cdastoria -- give the guy a chance...it doesn't matter if he calls himself "gay" -- he likes you! :)

ps. I feel similarly to you -- dressing is a turn on, and I happen to be soft and femmy, but I do have alot in common with other gay men in terms of my interests...still, there is a divide between me and other gay men because I have alot of feminine sensibilities....my advice -- don't worry what you are -- just enjoy yourself -- there are people out there who want to be your friend (or boyfriend)... :)

[CDastoria]

Maya...do you ever see yourself transitioning at all? who do you usually date? gay or straight men?

[LilSissyStevie]

cdastoria,

I just read this thread and thought you might be interested in Jack Molay's blog Crossdreamers (http://www.crossdreamers.com/). He's done a lot of good work on this issue and I think it could be helpful to you.
:love:

[CDastoria]

Well, I've decided I want to try something.
A friend of mine told me he'd help me out on New Years if i wanted to go to a party dressed up. It will be a mixed party (straight/gay) but he's very good at makeup and told me he'd help me pick out something to wear.
Also, I started taking finasteride because I told my dr that I'm concerned about my hair line. Well, it's very strange: i feel oddly calm on it. I didn't think it would have ANY effect emotionally on me but...I don't know if that's something I should notate or just think it's a weird coincidence?

[ReineD]

Also, I started taking finasteride because I told my dr that I'm concerned about my hair line. Well, it's very strange: i feel oddly calm on it. I didn't think it would have ANY effect emotionally on me but...I don't know if that's something I should notate or just think it's a weird coincidence?


Finasteride (or Propecia) apparently is a synthetic anti-androgen. You may wish to consult with your doctor further on this. But, if the magnitude of your sexual desires were continuing to cause you angst as they did last July, it makes sense that you would now experience more calmness. You may wish to read this:

http://www.propeciasideeffects.com/

I can't vouch for the validity of this site, but you could use it as a springboard for further research. The point is that Propecia has similar effects on some men, whether they are TG or not: erectile dysfunction, impotence, low libido, and gynecomestica, among others. I've read other threads here where some TGs ask about taking Propecia in lieu of HRT, in an attempt to feminize themselves.

[CDastoria]

Finasteride (or Propecia) apparently is a synthetic anti-androgen. You may wish to consult with your doctor further on this. But, if the magnitude of your sexual desires were continuing to cause you angst as they did last July, it makes sense that you would now experience more calmness. You may wish to read this:

http://www.propeciasideeffects.com/

I can't vouch for the validity of this site, but you could use it as a springboard for further research. The point is that Propecia has similar effects on some men, whether they are TG or not: erectile dysfunction, impotence, low libido, and gynecomestica, among others. I've read other threads here where some TGs ask about taking Propecia in lieu of HRT, in an attempt to feminize themselves.

Oddly enough, my sexual side is as strong as ever but somehow it feels....different. I don't know what exactly it is and I cannot describe it. It just feels more comfortable.

[RachelDee]

Quite interesting, and thanks to CDastoria for making this tread & for all the replies people have posted. Because this is something I have had on my mind and been too worried/unsure to bring up.

After reading Angels post it just made me connect a few times. For many many many years up into my teens I avoided the desire to crossdress because it felt like some sort of perversion, which was bad!

In childhood, when I was very young, I dressed in my mothers clothes often, seemingly her under clothes and I did this openly and frequently up to a certain age (assuming I started feeling shame about then!). I didnt really know of the reason for it, I just remember that I liked it.

When I finally gave into the desire to do this again in my late teens, it seemed to be an extension of my sexuality. I do not like men, but the clothes felt sensual. For this reason (and well at the time I only knew of the term crossdress) I decided it was just some sexual thing.

I looked it up online, and found other people (this forum) and went with it. However, the sexual thing quickly stopped being what I thought was the purpose of me wanting to dress. A lot of other feelings started emerging, and a lot of thoughts and confusions. I felt happier, comfortable.... It just felt 'good' and right. Which quickly followed with a realization and sense of my body feeling very wrong!

Around this time I found the other parts of this board, and looked at and discovered Gender Dysphoria. The more I looked into GD, the more I identified with parts of it -and not Crossdressing.

There was still a sensual/sexual component there, but that was just one small aspect of how I felt (but I admit I could not understand for a while what this meant in terms of what I was).

The thing is when you think about it, womens clothes ARE sexy and sensual. They are tight, frilly (not all) and figure hugging. They feel a lot nicer than male clothes ever do, made from much softer materials etc. Women always look nice and the things they wear tend to accent their figures/curves and natural beauty.

It would be more strange if you felt nothing at all I think.

What angel said about sexual aspects seeming to ruin the experience I also identify with. Thats how I have felt myself, I made a post about taking anti-angrogens the other week for this very purpose.

Being in my 20's and surging with testosterone it seems like I cannot get rid of this desire, but I *do* want to be rid of it.

This sexual feel at the start was another reason why, 5 years ago, I decided I cannot possibly be transexual and that I just need to accept that I am a crossdresser and to think anything else was fooling myself.

I put my feelings aside, I tried to be a 'man' the best I could and pushed all this to the background. I tried my very best to forget it all (as I felt it was something that would ruin my life). I had sort of come out to my family then because my feelings were getting very hard to ignore, and for this reason they discovered things accidentally. I felt shame and upset and guilt etc which made me want to hide and deny it all even more.

It all came crashing down though. Over time, it started creeping back in, the thoughts & feelings. They went from the background to being unignorable. Then finally got a point where it just sort of 'snapped' and I felt like I was having a sort of breakdown. :straightface:

The dysphoric feelings came back more intense than before (bottling it up over years prob did not help). Trying to fit yourself into categories does not really help either. I wasted 5 years by talking myself into being a crossdresser because I had concluded that any sexual feelings = not TS.

As much as my advise is really not that experienced compared to everyone else here, I would say that if its about 'identity', feeling unhappy with your body, wanting to be female in other areas of your life, wanting to do and act yourself but feeling sort of confined by your current gender, and/or like you have to act as what you were born as. Those are all things that are good pointers to needing to talk about it more and explore it.

I think if you just find female clothes/ideas of being purley a sexual fantasy, something that makes you aroused and then you no longer think about it, then you are likley not TS.

EDIT 1: I take Propecia (Finasteride) myself for the same reason btw. Other than my hair, its not affected me much (unfortunatly). If it was to reduce my libido I would be quite pleased.

EDIT 2: It's 4am and I hope all that I just wrote made some sense lol. I am really tired :S

EDIT 3: I think most of it made sense, though I was being very general in some areas to avoid a 4 page report on my exact feelings lol.

[Aprilrain]

Without even reading your thread I can answer this question.

Unless you are an alien life form or a super intelligent chimpanzee your a human being. Oh yeah humans pretty much are super intelligent chimpanzees.

Note: intelligence does not = good decision making.

Now I'm going to read your thread.

[CDastoria]

Without even reading your thread I can answer this question.

Unless you are an alien life form or a super intelligent chimpanzee your a human being. Oh yeah humans pretty much are super intelligent chimpanzees.

Note: intelligence does not = good decision making.

Now I'm going to read your thread.

And? Did you read? lol :)

[Aprilrain]

Yes I read it. Gender therapist for you!

[CDastoria]

Yes I read it. Gender therapist for you!

well, we shall see what happens. I just made my first appointment with a gender therapist. I see him on friday. hopefully he'll help me figure out who and what i am.

[Stephanie Anne]

well, we shall see what happens. I just made my first appointment with a gender therapist. I see him on Friday. hopefully he'll help me figure out who and what i am.

Good for you! Just realize you are not a what and neither is being trans. What you are is human, who you are is trans. Unless of course you are the world's first sentient potato then congratulations on being a talking tuber. That would be really confusing being a root vegetable and thinking you are a human being.

[CDastoria]

Good for you! Just realize you are not a what and neither is being trans. What you are is human, who you are is trans. Unless of course you are the world's first sentient potato then congratulations on being a talking tuber. That would be really confusing being a root vegetable and thinking you are a human being.

So I guess your money is on my transitioning?

[Stephanie Anne]

So I guess your money is on my transitioning?

No it's on you figuring yourself out first. Do you need to transition? Are you afraid to? Do you feel you have to or else?

Go spend time building a relationship with your therapist to better understand yourself.

[Melody Moore]

So I guess your money is on my transitioning?
I don't think Stephanie was implying anything at all because only you can work out if
transitioning is right solution for you. So that statement sounds to me like wishful thinking.

So I will ask you... Do you want to transition?

[CDastoria]

I don't think Stephanie was implying anything at all because only you can work out if
transitioning is right solution for you. So that statement sounds to me like wishful thinking.

So I will ask you... Do you want to transition?

Do I WANT to transition? I'm not sure. If I knew definitively, I'd have done it already.

My therapist has suggested that this may be a serious fetish for me. He has also suggested that it is an option to take a low dose of hormones to have the slightly feminizing results and will bring down the sexual urges. But who knows? I guess only therapy will tell me...i guess. I'm just trying to figure it all out. :(