Using a little bit of that swag???

[SuzanneBender]

Do we change who we are as we portray different roles?

I am on a business trip for the military. A treat on this trip was dinner with a close friend. He and I started our careers at the same time and early on were very close. We had fallen out of touch and it was nice to catch up. Something happened last night that started me thinking about our personalities as they relate to the roles we play.

For the most part I have always considered myself quite unassuming and mild mannered. I have my moments but for the most part I go out of my way to avoidconflict and drama.

Last night John and I went to dinner. We invited several of his team to accompany us to a local German Restaurant that is very popular. I called ahead and made reservations. When we arrived they had “lost” our reservation. I acquiesced and told them that we would wait on the table. When I told him what had happened, he retorted, “You were the last person I thought would put up with that.” Where is all the swag from the guy that I know?” That immediately put me in military mode. I went back up to the hostess explained again that we had reservations and insisted that we were the first large table to be seated. This time she graciously gave in and in less than 5 minutes we were at our table. As my buddy took his seat next to me he said, “that’s the guy I know’.

This got me thinking. My personality is decidedly different when in uniform than when I am not in uniform. For all the talk of combined our male and female aspects in one being I couldn’t help but wonder. I am different when en femme? I know my physical mannerisms are different, but do I mentally shift gears when dressed. My wife has pointed out that aspects of my personality that rarely come out in guy mode seem to shine in my posts here. Am I schizoid or is this just normal?

What do you think? Do different personality aspects come out when you are dressed or are you just the same ohhhy gooey wonderful person inside with just a different outer coating.

[Kathi Lake]

Wow, my head hurts!

So, let me get this straight;

Your reservations were "lost" so you graciously said you would wait. OK, I can see that not exactly tipping the Pansy-Meter, but definitely moving the dial.

You are reminded that you are an officer and a gentleman, and told to march right up there and demand your rights. Cool. I can smell the testosterone from here. Move the meter back to the right.

Oh, wait. You actually gave in and made your demands to the restaurant staff because you were browbeaten by a colleague. I guess that tips it back to the pansy side of the meter.

So, were you strong or weak? I dunno. What was the question?

:)

Kathi

[~Trudy~]

...and this whole time I was picturing you en femme, until I read your post without trying so hard to get to the end first. THAT was a confusing story. Maybe I just pictured your avatar talking to me. (a very pretty avatar at that).

I think what you're writing about goes way beyond the clothes -- our entire outsides dictate how our insides are going to react. I realized that when I started wearing 4 inch heels to parties and suddenly I was 6'1" and had completely different conversations with tall guys (and not all were about the fact that I was wearing girl's shoes). I always felt inferior to them, when actually it was only my inferior altitude.

Being a skinny kid with acne and braces made me who I am. Different skin, different teeth and a different frame would have made a different attitude come automatically.

Maybe it's more just the way other people treat us based on our shells, and we let that dictate to us who we are. Consciously willing yourself to grow your own core is a tough job, once you find out you really have to do it. (Well, by "you" I mean "me".)


OK
Ramblin' Trudy all done intruding with her ramblin's

[renee k]

Well Suzy,

To answer your question, I think we do shift gears. When I'm out as Renee I'm very passive and reserved. Till I've had a cocktail or two. Then I tend to open up a bit. However, when out as my male self. I tend to be more out going and open, right off the bat. I'm a gentleman at all times and don't behave like a jerk. Which being out enfemme has taught me kind and respectful to others.

Renee

[sterling12]

Joanie and John have many different traits....and, that's The Way we like it! I guess there are some instances when we think alike, but generally it's two different people.

I think that's kind of "The Norm." When I first joined Tri-Ess, there was a lot of Talk about "blending" The Two Persona's. A lot of People claimed it was important for "Accepting One's Self." You don't hear too much of that sort of Talk anymore, and The Vast Majority of CD's that I know, really don't want it any other way. Over time, certain traits become shared, if they are beneficial to both, but I just don't see a True "Blending."

Lets face it, A CD can have The Best of Both Worlds. Be A Gurl when you want, be a Boy when you want that. That's probably The Biggest Impediment to combining The Two.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[sissystephanie]

I was taught at a young age to be a gentleman and not to be a jerk. All my life I have tried to live up to that code! Whether I was in drab or enfemme. Of course, if I am in enfemme I am a lady not a gentleman, but the idea is the same. If I make a reservation at a restaurant, I expect to be seated. If they lose the reservation, that is their problem. I still expect my party to be seated, regardless of how I am dressed!!

I live by my code, not that of someone else!

[StaceyJane]

I'm much more daring and out going as Stacey.
Being Stacey gives me much more self confidence.

[noeleena]

Hi,

Normaly for me there was no difference ,
with in the millitay its ether stand down or use your rank now iv applyed that in many different situations some times iv stood down because it was not worth the hassle & others, iv pulled rank because i needed to.
many times i get in to situations & your back ground just comes in to play . yes i know what your saying you had rank pulled on you so with out thinking did what was needed.

Not now of cause there is no male / female detail going on in the sence of your post its just who i am as a person as a woman yet can still pull rank when needed.
As youv said your difference is the male you or female you .

iv had to look at that & really i dought any difference just who i am as a person . may be others need to answer those ? s about my self from thier stand point & may be i dont wont to know , now thats scary . very scary , Jos would be the best one on that ,

There are some aspects of my self as a woman do come out one way is im expressing my self as to who i am in a way that was not possible before , so yes that is right,

...noeleena...

[Sara Jessica]

I think it has to do with your inner being knowing the role of what it is to be in the millitary. Whether one is a man or woman, that fire which gives the strength to serve others in such a capacity (throw police or firefighters in there as well) is something that was rekindled by your friend.

Then again, there's what Kathi said ;)


I'm a gentleman at all times and don't behave like a jerk. Which being out enfemme has taught me kind and respectful to others.

I have actually observed boorish behavior by a man/CD'er who was in guy mode for the evening. It was disguisting to see, such a reminder kind of like what you are saying Renee. Not all of us are female to our core but those who are are served well to remember your advice no matter how we are presenting to the world.

Applying this back to Suzanne's situation, while you may have gone back and were "forceful" in requesting they honor your reservation, you still did it in a polite manner. "Boorish" guy above would have raised a ruckus and made a scene, puffing out his chest in bravado the entire time.

[windycissy]

I'm much happier, more passive, and I smile at strangers when I'm a she...life seems to slow down, I seem to savor the little moments like I wished they'd never end and I could stay this way forever.

[Frédérique]

This got me thinking. My personality is decidedly different when in uniform than when I am not in uniform. For all the talk of combined our male and female aspects in one being I couldn’t help but wonder. I am different when en femme? I know my physical mannerisms are different, but do I mentally shift gears when dressed. My wife has pointed out that aspects of my personality that rarely come out in guy mode seem to shine in my posts here. Am I schizoid or is this just normal?

After reading your OP, I was working in my studio last night, thinking about that word “swagger,” specifically in regards to the military. Every time I joined one with the other in an effort to mentally draft a meaningful response, I quickly reached a cul-de-sac. All I can say is that swagger is not one of my favorite words (or gestures) and let’s leave it at that. I could no more be boorish in a restaurant than I could drop a bomb on someone, but I digress. I don’t have the aptitude to be servile, either. What’s on the menu in terms of civility? That’s where the conflict arises, and being CD only confuses the issue, especially when you're among those who wouldn’t dream of doing such a thing. It seems you can be a detached observer to your own life experience – this may very well be the ideal way to be. I assume your dinner companion was unaware of your Suzanne-ness? :straightface:

You are different when you’re en femme, in fact I would put that idea forward as one of the better reasons for doing it in the first place – just consider the alternative. As far as I’m concerned, the gears you talk about are meshing nicely when you’re a crossdresser (dressed or not), and the gears are grinding together noisily when swaggering is in progress. Schizoid? Hardly. I see no schism in self-awareness – it’s the un-integrated ones who are miles apart within themselves…

[ReineD]

I am different when en femme? I know my physical mannerisms are different, but do I mentally shift gears when dressed.

A different POV is that we do mellow as we age. I am more accepting now with little things than I was when I was younger. A lifetime of dealing with deeper issues and hurts has shown me what is important and what is not. Having been a parent dealing with the various dramas my kids have gone through has helped as well. We just know that "this too shall pass" and it's not a big deal.

It's like the teenager who goes berserk when he or she has a pimple or when the stylist didn't do what he or she wanted with the hair (my middle son had particularly bad reactions over these kinds of things)... as a more mature adult, he or she will take it all in stride and will know that the pimple will go away eventually and the hair will grow back in.

Don't know if the general mellowing out vs. having separate guy and girl reactions fits you, but I just wanted to put it out there for your consideration. :)

[Cherie]

Suzanne i do agree with u that we do change our way not only in dress but also personality. It took a very good friend of mine to point it out. when dressed em femme im much softer in speech am more likely to sit quietly and talk as Cherie but as me i cant sit still allways working . Im usually asertive in my line of work have to be but as Cherie my softer side comes out she is my escape from my hectic life :)

[Rianna Humble]

I do think that it is more than just mellowing with age - people at work have commented that I am a calmer, happier person since I came out and that this has accelerated now that I have begun my RLE.

You talk about in and out of uniform, and that must surely have some effect too - when in uniform you expect discipline and things to be in order. That will carry across to how you interact with people.

In a different setting, I have noticed that Robert used to behave differently when he was in a position of authority compared to when he wasn't and I think that to an extent that is normal (so long as the authority is not abused).

You may also have had an effect in the restaurant because you started by being polite and accepting, and only afterwards stated your rights. I know that at work, I react better to someone who doesn't shout the odds as soon as something doesn't go the way they want it.

:2c:

[Claire Cook]

I guess I'm a little confused by this (that's normal for me...). Is the question "are we influenced by what we wear" (uniforms) or is it "do we act differently when en femme?" or is it "does our femme side spill over to our drab side and vice versa?"

Certainly uniforms -- police, medical, military, judge's robes, clerics -- announce what we do, probably influence our personality and elicit responses from others. (Some day I would love to buy a power skirt suit and put it to use!) So, yes to #1. The responses here indicate "yes" to #2 (that's what people say who know Claire). I'm trying hard to achieve #3 -- and there is no doubt that Claire is part of me all of the time -- and that I'd love to act the same, being me -- no matter what I am wearing.

[AKAMichelle]

Wow, my head hurts!

So, let me get this straight;

Your reservations were "lost" so you graciously said you would wait. OK, I can see that not exactly tipping the Pansy-Meter, but definitely moving the dial.

You are reminded that you are an officer and a gentleman, and told to march right up there and demand your rights. Cool. I can smell the testosterone from here. Move the meter back to the right.

Oh, wait. You actually gave in and made your demands to the restaurant staff because you were browbeaten by a colleague. I guess that tips it back to the pansy side of the meter.

So, were you strong or weak? I dunno. What was the question?

:)

Kathi

Yeh - send her to the panzy side having to be brow beat before she got the guts to demand her table. I love your comment Kathi. Since I know both of you were / are in the military, makes reading even funnier.

I do get how we mellow out with age as Reine stated it. I use to be brash and in your face. Now I am a puppy dog in comparison. But I do find that I am bit more tolerant of things when dressed.

[ReineD]

I use to be brash and in your face. Now I am a puppy dog in comparison. But I do find that I am bit more tolerant of things when dressed.

I think we all have different things that push our buttons, no matter the gender. :) I personally would understand about a mix-up in reservations (although like Suzanne I would ask to be given the first available table), but should I feel threatened in any way ... watch out! This would wake up my reptilian brain and I'd have a gut level reaction.

[Naomi Rayne]

Personally i think it may be a bit similar. Someone knew that you had the ability to get what you wanted and acted in a certain manner in order to get you to respond. It worked and you were guaranteed a table as soon as possible.

As far as dressing causing blending and so on i do believe the dressing plays a part. But i do not think its because we dress that our personalities change. I think it has more to do with knowledge. When dressing we are trying to enter into a female world which is much more different than the male world. So we learn and grow and it changes who we are as people. Just as other things and events in life change who we are as people.

[Kathi Lake]

. . . but should I feel threatened in any way ... watch out! This would wake up my reptilian brain and I'd have a gut level reaction.Your "reptilian brain" comment reminded me of something. When those we love are threatened, we go into automatic "banshee" mode, it seems. No one has ever threatened my wife or kids (God help them if they did - 130 pounds or not, I would clean the floor with them!), but a dog actually got into our house once and was chasing our kitten all over the place. Finally, unable to grab the thing, I at one point kicked him. He stopped, I picked him up, took him outside and I literally drop-kicked him. Then I picked him up and did it again. The family wasn't home, and he had broken his leash, so I wedged him in between the front door and the screen door.

Now I'm not a violent person. I love animals. A cute kitten picture can get me all gushy. Heck, I catch spiders and let them go outside. My wife was laughing at me this weekend because we needed a mousetrap, and I couldn't bear to buy the spring kind, and instead bought one that traps them live (normally when we catch mice, I give them some cheese and let them go). So it is amazing how different our behavior is when we don't think, but react.

Still, I think Suzanne is a pansy. :tongueout

:)

Kathi

[ReineD]

I literally drop-kicked him. Then I picked him up and did it again.

Wince. Ouch. I couldn't have done that. Not the second time. lol.



Still, I think Suzanne is a pansy. :tongueout

Naahh ... she did get the next table. It just took her a few minutes to think about it! :)

[kayegirl]

To answer the question, Yes I do have a different personality when I am dressed. Not just different, but according to several people who are near and dear to me, I am much calmer, loose all aggresion, more patient and tolerant of other people, (particularly other drivers or road users). In short a much better person, and as I now spend almost all of my time living as Kaye, that can only be a good thing.

[Crysten]

The answer to your question is: YES!!! Definitely!! :)

Except I forgot what the question was.....

And thank you for your service!! I myself just retired from the military -- 20+ years of dealing with all the nonsense (and in the unit I was with for 10 years, the nonsense ran extremely deep).

And I've had the same (or similar) experience in Germany. The country is great if you can overlook some of the people. They only lost your reservation because you were American, no doubt. We all know how efficient they are. They don't "lose" things very often.

I think I picked up from my parents not to take any nonsense from sercive-related businesses. You don't want to provide me service? Fine, I'm gonna stand RIGHT HERE and the VOLUME OF MY VOICE is going to go OFF THE CHARTS until someone notices. :):):)

[Annie D]

What a great question and observation! I carefully read all the previous replies before I jumped in with my 2 cents: All my life in my male mode I have been a decision maker, goal oriented and very, very competitive. All of these characteristics are the verythings that I try to avoid as Annie and I am pleased to say that my demeanor, attitude and behavior is almost 180 degrees the opposite as Annie than that of my male self.

I have stated before that I am a high school varsity coach, teach physical education and when I am "on the job" I put on the expected performance. I really can't say that it is a performance because I have acted that way for so long that it must be my true nature. But when I am Annie, I ask questions, am fairly agreeable and really don't care if I win or not. I must say that in both of my modes that I take things that happen to me quite personally and I become upset. When male I want to take immediate action, when female I want to take revenge.

I have to admit that I coach young women and it is one of the most pleasurable activities of my life. I think that as I evolve (mellow out) and become more like Annie when I am in male mode that I am a better coach, mentor, role model for my athletes.

I have often told the people that know me as Annie, that I like myself better when I am female and it is why when I retire that I truly see myself as being Annie for the rest of my life.

[Kathi Lake]

Wince. Ouch. I couldn't have done that. Not the second time. lol.I didn't think I had it in me either. I felt kind of sick after I calmed down. :(

Kathi

[Tess]

Speaking for myself, I think that I play/played multiple roles in my life which all affect my behavior and thought process. Presenting as a different gender is role playing on steroids. As a boss, father, suitor, coach, etc I've taken on roles that at least partially have been out of sync with who I am but I've acted the part and done them well. I think part of those roles sticks with me. How much my female persona influences my underlying personality I don't know, but I certainly change who I am when I play the role of Tess.

[ReineD]

I didn't think I had it in me either. I felt kind of sick after I calmed down. :(

I remember an argument I had with my ex years and years ago. We were in the bedroom arguing about his infidelity. I got so mad that I kicked the wall in clear through the gyprock with my foot. Thank God I hit it between the studs. lol.

I didn't feel sick to my stomach after that. It rather felt quite good. :)

[tricia_uktv]

I really thought it was about merging my male and femail personalities into one. But now I'm not to so sure. My female side is so so different. It has unlocked things in me I didn't know were there!

[Kathi Lake]

I didn't feel sick to my stomach after that. It rather felt quite good. :)Probably because you were imagining his testicles in place of the wall. :)

Kathi

[Kara Connor]

Definitely different when dressed. Girlier and less "leaderly", but still same sene of humour! As a guy I am less aggressive and angry now that I have accepted Kara.

[borbiusle]

I can definitely attest to that OP. My ex-GF and her sisters definitely noticed my "Game-Face" when I'm in uniform and they tell me I look very intimidating and ready to kick someone's ass lol. In civvies, I'm also very conflict-avoidant but being this way has cost me many opportunities in all areas of my life so I'm working very hard to be assertive and stand my ground.

In "femme" mode, I'm simply relaxed yet very turned-on. Have never gone out or been around other people en femme except with 1 good female friend of mine so I'm not sure how I'd act around people.

[Whispering Oaks]

I hope its ok if I say this :) But I have noticed when men are in female mode they are softer yes but I personally get the feeling its because they are totally relaxed and at peace in that state. All the tension seems to leave if that makes sense as they are been themselves totally.

[minalost]

One of the reasons I CD is so that I CAN act different than I do in male mode. I tend to "swish" a little more, smile a little more, and am softer, and more gentle and patient when in female mode. I short, I act the way that used to get me beat up in high school. Over time, in a exersize in self preservation, I learned to be more "manly" in everyday life - or at least less of a victim.

So, in addition to just plane enjoying feminine clothing, CDing let's me be myself, or at least let's me bring out a side of me that I've always had to supress.

I guess the next question is: why do I feel the need to don feminine attire to be able to express the "softer" side of my personality? Beats me!

:hugs:

[Whispering Oaks]

I guess the next question is: why do I feel the need to don feminine attire to be able to express the "softer" side of my personality? Beats me!

:hugs:

thats a deep question do ya think its cos in going back to the real you (you as in all ya ) you go right back to your innocence before you were teased or hardened by society and the clothes represent the maternal safeness of a mother ?