Told my friends

[KendraGreen]

I am going through a very tough time in my life right now. I am a full time student, working on a masters degree and also employed full time. I do courses online in the fall and winter and I take a 6 week study leave to study on campus.

This takes me away from my home and family. It does offer the opportunity to dress more frequently as my wife has knowledge of my crossdressing, but not complete participation. We have kids which complicates the situation as I cannot and will not dress in front of them.

I have a group of friends whom I share most things. We are open and honest with each other. I have been considering coming out to them as a dresser. Simply to be able to stop hiding this side of me.

I had posted this in another thread. Well today, I had a bit of a breakdown and one of my friends was able to console me and of course ask, what's wrong. She is in the same program for her Masters as I am. She understands the stress of the situation.

I am also suffering from clinical depression and take medication. Today's lecture was on depression and it was not a good lecture. Much misinformation. That stressed me. A call from my wife telling me that the car had broken down on her way to meet me for the weekend (it's our anniversary) tipped me over the edge.

In talking to my female friend I discovered that much of my depression stems from my crossdressing and hiding it. Over the course of an hour we talked and I revealed my secret. That I have a sexual fetish and that involves dressing in women's clothes. I had no idea what terminology to use.

In short, she put her arm around me, told me she loved me, would always love me and that it would be OK. We have decided that I need professional help to work through the issues this has raised within me for the past 30 years.

There is nothing sexual about our relationship, we are close friends as well as both of our families being close. It does feel good to tell someone but it is not enough, she is not a therapist which is what I need to be able to work through what it going on within me, the shame, the guilt, the secrecy that has been within me for 30 years.

I hope my story resonates with someone out there who may be struggling in some way.

Kendra

[Gerrijerry]

yes see a therapist, I did and I also had my wife along. I think it saved my marriage.

[Paisley GG]

What great friend, and it sounds like she is has your best intentions at heart. If that is the kind of friends you have, I think there is going to be more understanding and support coming your way.

I am starting to understand how difficult it must be for crossdressers keeping this aspect of themselves secret and then the pressure to find time/freedom to fufill the need. I look back to my SO's mood changes and there was a definite pattern...I just had no idea

[kimdl93]

I think its very important that you engage a competent therapist. Frankly, I'm dismayed by how many times individuals are prescribed antidepressants without also being in therapy. Abundant research has demonstrated that depression treatment is far more effective and lasting when medication is combined with competent therapy. (In fact, for mild to moderate depression, medication alone is minimally more effective than taking a placebo)

[~Trudy~]

Hooray for you Kendra! It's the first step toward feeling better.

I'm sorry to hear that your anniversary sucked so bad. You and your wife should give each other a rain check, and when you feel better, go have a real celebration. You have a lot to be happy for.

I fell apart 25 years ago, and didn't have anyone around to help me put the pieces back together. With such a good friend and an understanding wife, I bet you'll start to feel better soon.

A good therapist can really help, and I've seen a zillion. I wish that I had thought of them more like dresses: Look in the mirror, and if it doesn't fit, go back to the rack and try another one. I wasted so much time and money thinking that since they were professionals, they should know everything. Some said some good things, but most weren't getting anywhere and weren't honest or intelligent enough to say so.

My last course of therapy a couple of months ago lasted only two sessions. In the first session this kooky old guy told me to buy a book (How To Make Yourself Happy And Remarkably Less Disturbable), and he said that maybe I should stop taking Lexapro. I did both things, went back to the second appointment and said "Gee... Thanks!", he said "You're welcome," and that was that.

I feel great off the drugs, and the book, though oddly written, was extremely valuable in getting me to take a different look at my "clinical" depression.

I'm not suggesting you stop your medicine, but I have come to think lately that depression, rather than being a disease, is simply your body's way of coping with stress. Going to bed and crying is a very effective way to diffuse a problem, and I have had lots of experience at it. [Edit: I didn't mean to imply that depression is a cop-out, but that it's your body just being worn out!] Depression is real, don't get me wrong, and it really hurts, but for most of us it's a mental state that comes about by our outlook. Anti-depressants will alleviate the symptoms, and when you're in trouble, they can completely save your life. Prozac did just that for me. True recovery from depression involves a change in the way one views his problems.

A breakdown can be a great catalyst for change, and I think you have a marvelous opportunity right now.

If you can stand more advice, I think you should work at viewing yourself in a positive way, and cut yourself a HUGE amount of slack. School is hard, and a Master's is crazy hard. It's not at all suprising that it alone can make you fall apart at the seams. I felt a little concern when you said you have a "sexual fetish", because conservative society places such a stigma on the term. If you can see the term in a positive light, then go ahead and use it, but above all, you have to love yourself for who you are.
I know a few people with really intense sexual fetishes and they embrace them and love to consider themselves as total deviants. I'm sure that you, though, with a wife and two kids, would like to see yourself as a normal member of society.

So please take this to heart: We cross dressers ARE normal members of society. It's actually one of the wonderful things I recently learned from joining CD.com. You CAN accept yourself for who you are without thinking that you have an illness.


Love,
Trudy

[KendraGreen]

I've been crying all day. She says everything is OK, has encouraged me to tell our other, very close, friends. Her and I have a 3 hour drive together tomorrow, we are heading to see our families who are together waiting for us. Maybe more talking will help.

[Cherie]

i dress for myself and find i do a lot more when i am stressed or have had a bad day . keeping it secret has been my only option but a lonely one . I allways wanted to share my secret and i have had that chance thanks to a lovely best friend a girl who helped me realise i wasnt alone. with her help i have gained confidance in my self. Friends like yours are a very good start to helping good friends on here are to hope it all works out for u kendra

[Whispering Oaks]

In talking to my female friend I discovered that much of my depression stems from my crossdressing and hiding it.

the shame, the guilt, the secrecy that has been within me for 30 years.

I hope my story resonates with someone out there who may be struggling in some way.

Kendra

This is truly sad that you feel this way about who you are, there is absolutely no shame in been true to yourself and it saddens me that so many people are alone in this and feel they owe the world or there closest friends etc an explanation. In all honesty I see nothing at all wrong about it at all and its ludicrous that others do. xxx


i dress for myself and find i do a lot more when i am stressed or have had a bad day . keeping it secret has been my only option but a lonely one . I allways wanted to share my secret and i have had that chance thanks to a lovely best friend a girl who helped me realise i wasnt alone. with her help i have gained confidance in my self. Friends like yours are a very good start to helping good friends on here are to hope it all works out for u kendra

And you have been there for me too mate xxx

[CallMeMeg]

Kendra, it sounds like your friend is as good as a therapist! This seemed to be a special case ~ you really couldn't say "I'm depressed and I know why but I won't tell you why."

A very good friend had agoraphobia. He never told me, but when I asked him to be my best man he knew he'd have to travel, so he told me. I was fine, we worked together to make my future wife, me, and him, all comfortable.

The worst reaction I received was from a friend who was very accepting of Meg, but we had this exchange:

Me: are you OK with a guy crossdressing?
She: yes
Me: how about if your guy crossdressed?
She: absolutely not.

But she did my makeup and helped me get dressed once. :)

As others have said, you can feel out your friends, see how they feel about trans issues through pop culture. You can also explain why you're telling them ~ it helps your condition to get out of the closet (and just leave your clothes there).