Why do I even bother?

[AmberDay]

Well I have been diagnosed with gender dysphoria several years ago. I am not willing to transition because I would lose my wife, kids, and my job. The last few months have been getting harder and harder for me and I have hit a major depression. One so bad that my doctor and my gender thearpist hasn't been able to solve. I know I am supposed to be a woman and I know that the male clothes I wear make me feel completely out of place. I also know though that no matter what hormones or surgery I undertake, I would still look like a guy. I would never fit in, and I would be lonely without my wife and kids.

The other day I had an opprotunity to dress my correct gender. I got everything out and started to put it on, but ended up putting everything back. Why get dressed for three hours just to revert back to being him again? I've tried it before and I almost have an anxiety attack when I take off my breast forms and my wig. It literally hurts to change back. My shoulders, head, and chest constrict, and I can't hardly breathe.

Last week, my wife needed some new clothes for her new job and I went shopping with her. I found all these beautiful blouses, jeans, jewelry and picked out several other things that I was going to buy. My wife helped me pick them out. She is okay with me crossdressing; just not transitioning. I gather both of our stuff to take to the register, but stopped halfway there. What's the point? Why spend $100 on this stuff if all I am going to do is wear it for a couple of hours when the kids aren't home? I just slammed the clothes on the shelf and stormed away.

Why do I even bother with all of this? I'm not happy when I don't get to dress, and now I feel even worse when I do dress, but have to take it off. I've tried doing it for a whole day, but it still hurt when I had to revert. If I transition I would hurt even worse without my wife, kids, and unemployed. (can't afford to transition without a job).

My psychiatrist says there is a chance I could pull through this without transitioning and lessen the depression, but it will take a long time.
My gender thearpist believes that it is a matter of time before I transition, and strongly suggest I start HRT and the first few steps to see how truely dysphoric I am.

But why bother.

Amber

[RachelDenise]

It is easy to feel this way even if you are not transitioning. I sometimes (more so recently) have gone shopping less because of the same "what's the point?" mentality. I find that stealing moments just doesn't satisfy me at times so buying new things makes very little sense. I'm sorry that your situation is much worse, but I do have sense of what you're going through. Good luck my dear.

[~Michelle~]

Wow CDinDayton, you and I seem to be so much alike. I also know I'm woman, but don't transition because of my lovely wife (who accepts my crossdressing) and kids and I also have this love and hate relationship with crossdressing for exactly the same reason. Sure, it's great to feel like a woman while dressed, but we both know that it ends again after a few hours and we get mad and frustrated.

Luckily enough I manage to cope with the situation.... somehow... but for how long? My whole life I've put brakes on myself, forcing myself to behave like a guy, when I don't even know what guy mode is.

[Renee_E]

Why bother? Because tomorrow will come and everybody has a purpose on this earth.

You say your male features will give you away even if you were to transition? From my observations I have seen a number of women walking around that look more masculine than feminine. Maybe you won't look like your ideal female image, but you would be free to dress as you please. As far as not being totally happy with a feminine body, that would be normal. Haven't met many GG's that wouldn't want to change something about their bodies.

[noeleena]

Hi, CD .

You said your s o is not bothered with you dressing , hey thats neat. now about your kids how would they take it , as youv not said .
Now im not a dresser never was, yet for 6 years out of 12 . i dressed & Jos during that time was there with me she of cause knew i was am a woman yet still was very hard for her.
So for 6 years just us really after work i would shower & then dress in my clothes all most every night. did the same for two reasons ,
During the 12 years i knew at some point i would be classed as a woman at the right time. & carry on being one .
The other reason was i wore my clothe s so i could find out what would suit me & do my make up & i needed to buy enough clothes to carry me through as i could not just go out & buy what ever we have been on a income that is fixed so this all took time .

Of cause i have enough clothes now & what i need , so i can go out to functions evening wear & look nice not over the top & in keeping with my age allmost 63, & i all so make my own clothes for our edwardian group ,
I planed ahead i looked beyond the now detail because this at the time was / is for the rest of my life.

Now my emotions oh dear male clothes from age 10 i total hated them. yet spent 50 years haveing to wear them, not any more ,
still i had a job to do so yea i got by to me they were clothes i needed to wear i did & now heres the thing it was not the clothes that made me get all strung up because i knew who i was / am , all tho even if we have to put up with what ever it does not change who we are.

Now liveing as a woman iv have not lost out i could have, make no mistake , Jos & i are not married even tho after 35 years out of 37 marrage anuuld ,

we live in our own home as just two women , our grown up kids 3 of & 8 grand kids accept who i am, hard , yes of cause it is . now even if Jos wonted to she is free to go & marry a... REAL... man , i never was or could be. it has taken 63 close as to get were i am now ,
give your self time dont dispear , your s o may accept you as a female / woman little steps , your kids they too may be able to see the real you talk with them & take time with them . & yes i could very easerly have lost every thing .
i was perpared for that .
ill say this tho there is no way id ever go back in to male clothes any way dont have any .

we each have to see our selfs for who we are & then live with that in mind, i have & it works okay, for some of us .
I never had what many trans get / have , wrong body mind detail gender dysphoria, because im androgynous so in many ways i was okay yet the change was / is really what i needed ,
Oh there were many times i dressed only for a few hours & that was okay what i saw was i have a job to do & then the time will come & its over then the new one, my self as i should be, next job a woman , if you hang on to that thought youll get there.
I know its not a job just my way of sorting out the details , i was focused make no mistake there.

...noeleena...

[Tamara Croft]

I don't know what to say to that, but I can feel your hurt from here and wanted to give you a :hugs:

[suzy1]

Like Tamara I feel for you. Just hang on and things can get better. [Easy for me to say I know]
You never know what’s round the corner in this life. I can say that because my life went from hopelessness and no way out to an almost perfect and happy one. And there was no way of seeing it coming. I still have to pinch myself sometimes to see if it’s a dream.
So hang on in there Amber. We are thinking of you.

A hug from, SUZY

[SheriM]

Dear CDin Dayton,
First, I feel for you. You have been dealt some cards that are difficult to play, however, I do think that there is hope.
First, it is a positive thing that you have made an important life choice, ie not to change because of your love of wife and kids. I'm not judging the choice, only saying it is important that the choice has been made so you are on a path and not at a crossroad wondering which way to turn.
I do think your next step is to accept that choice. Once you do that, you should be able to wear your clothes when possible and enjoy the crossdressing sessions. I know that you still wish to change but since you can't and have made the choice not to, you need to accept the path you are on and make the most of it. I see your situation similar to a gay person - It must be difficult to live in a hetero world as a gay and not very fair either.
However, to find your own happiness, you must learn to deal with it and learn to find your own happiness. Lamenting your situation will make you feel worse, not better.
Good luck to you. We wish you all the joy in the world. There are many that will love you for the person you are.
SheriM

[ClaireT]

Why bother?

Because you don't have the option of not bothering, it's who and what you are.

[lavistaa62]

Sort of the same boat here- perhaps you could arrange a long weekend or a week away at some sort of event which would allow you dress full time at least for a spell? If you could let some of the "steam off" so to speak it might bring your desires down to a simmer and improve your mood. A weekend might not be a enough but 4 or 5 or 7 days might help.

As for the shopping and your appearance- I see those as manifestations/confirmations of the situation. My wife and I often go through those stages of frustration with our appearance. If you were only a guy, would you really be worried about how you looked to the same degree or would you just be thinking of "the moment" and the experience.

[Billijo49504]

I wear womens clothes every day. Bra and panties from LB. Baggy t shirt and jean shorts from Ave and flip flops from Payless. And I look for all the world as a guy.That's how I satisfy my urges's to dress. Just add wig, makeup and nails painted and it over the top.
The other day I had to go for a stress test, before surgery, and as the tech was putting the stickers on me, she ask, why do you wear a bra, I told her cuz I could fill it. And I needed the support. All she said was Oh! Later she asked what size I was, I told her I had been measured 2 places as a 42C. She told me I was bigger than she was. Just like a couple of girls talking....BJ

[VeronicaMoonlit]

The last few months have been getting harder and harder for me and I have hit a major depression. One so bad that my doctor and my gender thearpist hasn't been able to solve. I know I am supposed to be a woman and I know that the male clothes I wear make me feel completely out of place. I also know though that no matter what hormones or surgery I undertake, I would still look like a guy. I would never fit in,

I could have written that....in fact I believe I DID, on a different forum.

Various things I have written about my trans in the past:

Time is an issue and I feel guilty about spending money on femme stuff because I don't wear it enough. It just feels weird. My wardrobe was/is a touch too dressy. And though I do wear women's jeans, I'm too chicken to start wearing femmy tops and cute casual shoes with them.

So last night, I was sad, in one of those long dark nights of the soul kind of ways. I was lying in bed crying, after turning off my screen. I just couldn't take thinking about "IT". So there I was, and I looked at the foot of my bed. Now it was dark but I knew my GLBT/feminism books were there. So I felt overwhelmed and full of despair. And then I thought, what would Shar Rednour or other fab femmes do with despair:

They'd kick it's ass and burn it away with the bright fire of their femmeness. So I imagined pink sparkle fire driving despair away.

But I still needed makeup. I mean I don't "need" makeup, I don't wear it everyday, I want to, but I don't. But I do like it, it's magic! So I bought some makeup today, what I think of as the basics. Which was "weird". I felt a touch of the old shame/guilt, it wasn't overwhelming but it was there. Mostly the "why are you buying it, you know you're not going to get much use out of it." and a bit of the "what's the checkout clerk gonna think." But I "had" to buy it. And all the polished/done/pretty fall makeup looks in the magazines are whispering to me. "You know you want it, you want to wear it, you want to wear this makeup look too." That sort of thing. I think I'm going to "crossdress" tomorrow. That sounds weird, saying that. It's not like I don't wear some women's clothing, I just don't do the "whole shebang". I'm not going to go anywhere, or do anything, so it's going to be weird, besides feeling fat n' ugly these days. But I think I need to do it, I think I've been avoiding doing it, and I'm not exactly for certain why.

I found my perfume and I feel a bit ashamed at how unused it is, I know I shouldn't. I'd wear it everyday, but that "says something" that I'm not ready to say yet. Or more accurately to scared/chicken/ to say yet.

When I see myself, I see man man man. Admittedly a man with some makeup skill and some style skill but a man nonetheless. I just want to be seen and accepted as a woman and it's not going to happen. It's not like I feel I have to be one of those oh so perfect trans-goddesses, both crossdresser and TS, but I look at myself and go ick these days.

I'm trying to be realistic. I look at myself and see "man in a dress" who is never ever going to be a woman.

Again, I would never ever judge others like I do myself.

I know I'm never going to be beautiful, that's okay. I just want to be seen/acknowledged/be accepted/be a woman.

But here is an extremely relevant thing:

I think I figured out why I hadn't been "dressing" even if I wanted to. It came down to this idea in my head:

"why dress? You know you want to go full time, and you know it's not going to happen so why even do it and make yourself feel bad at the longing for it."

And this:


And then I thought, when problems are soo big and seem so overwhelming, what do we do, we break them down into small easier parts. Can you think of smaller easy parts that would make more happy. Things you CAN do, that maybe you haven't done because you're sad? Little things, small things, but good things.


I gather both of our stuff to take to the register, but stopped halfway there. What's the point? Why spend $100 on this stuff if all I am going to do is wear it for a couple of hours when the kids aren't home? I just slammed the clothes on the shelf and stormed away.

I have so been there. I think you should go back and get them. You deserve to be happy. And yes, you deserve to be a woman too, if that becomes your decision. I know being married and being trans is very tough, but sometimes you have to be selfish for your own happiness. I wish that wasn't the case though.


Why do I even bother with all of this?

My psychiatrist says there is a chance I could pull through this without transitioning and lessen the depression, but it will take a long time.
My gender thearpist believes that it is a matter of time before I transition, and strongly suggest I start HRT and the first few steps to see how truely dysphoric I am.

But why bother.

Amber

Why bother....(i'm going to be prescriptive and cheerleader-y here)....because you're a woman. I want you to say it to yourself...you're a woman. Doesn't matter if you're not full-time...deep down, you're a woman, okay? Don't argue with the VeronicaMoonlit, the VeronicaMoonlit is always right in this matter.

Veronica Rogers

[RylieCD]

Amber,

I too have the same concerns as you, I love my wife and family so much that I do not want to live without them. and that is pretty much what my GID theripist talk about every session. Just yesturday I was telling him about the BUSY summer so far and he kept asking if I was taking care of myself (taking time out to be rylie) yes I do try to dress when I can. We have also talked about how far I would be willing to go, Yes I have thought about transitioning but I have also thought about would it would do to my current life and I have decided that i am not willing to accept the consequences. So for now I will dress when my wife is away and enjoy the time. I do not have any kids (YET) but know that will cut into my time, but I know that would happen if I was CD/TS or not. I know I rambled on enough but as most say here as well as my theripist - this is our life and only we know what is best for us. I know easier said then done, I also get bouts of depression some time and for me i dont know I am there for awhile once i realize it I have learned that i need to talk about it (with my wife, family, DR, whoever will listen) and do what everi I can to pull myself up.

So please use use as well if you need to talk things out, and enjoy your life in whatever decissions you may choose.

[Blaire]

Does it have to be either/or, all the time? Can there be no middle ground that would allow you enough of a step towards transition that everything else becomes manageable?

For example, could there be an HRT route that cab be done half-way, so that there is some of the right body chemistry to allow the brain/body gap to narrow to a live-with-it magnitude, yet not go so far as to make wholesale changes that would be a dealbreaker for the life you want?

[AmberDay]

Thanks for the encouragement everyone. It is comforting to know that there are people who care.


Does it have to be either/or, all the time? Can there be no middle ground that would allow you enough of a step towards transition that everything else becomes manageable?

For example, could there be an HRT route that cab be done half-way, so that there is some of the right body chemistry to allow the brain/body gap to narrow to a live-with-it magnitude, yet not go so far as to make wholesale changes that would be a dealbreaker for the life you want?

I am at the max of my allowed negotiations with my wife. HRT, going out in public, dressing in front of the kids = divorce. I can dress fully when the kids are't home. I will get more time when school starts up again next month.

[Nicole Erin]

Thing is, even when one does transition to whatever level of passability and full timeness, life doesn't change much, not much at all.

I remember thinking how great it would be to live full time as a woman. Well, pass or not, I now have that chance, and have been living it really. It is no more fun or different than my life ever was. I mean I guess the nagging of wanting to live as a woman is not there anymore but it doesn't solve any other problems, one is not going to be more popular etc...
Right now I am pretty much like, "this is it? This is the dream? This is what other TS think is so great?"

On the other hand, I already lost my wife and kid. I have never had a good career at stake, and never a lot of friends so it is not like I was seen out of a social circle.

Really, I would not fret so much about it. You are not missing anything. I think maybe for TS who are still young, pretty, have their whole life ahead of them, can still go out and party without being lableled "Creepy" or "cougar" it probably IS something but once life settles down, bleh. :thumbsdn:

[Crysten]

I totally agree. Unless you totally feel you are a woman and can't go on as a man...the whole transition thing isn't for you. Becuase, as you say, you're still who you are. Nothing else changes. I'm fairly happy I don't have these concerns. Funny thing though...I can recall at a younger age I started to have various symptoms of gender dysphoria -- and for whatever reason, they faded away. I don' know if that makes me lucky or not...I'm just glad I don't have to deal with it, for sure. Transition is lengthy, painful, expensive, and comes at the cost of much else we value in life.

[Alberta_Pat]

CD;

It saddens me to hear of your situation. It must be hell for you right now.

I am reminded of a situation that my sister went through a number of years ago. Not the same for sure, but perhaps the generalities are enough.

Let me put forward your situation in the boiled down version.
YOU love your family.
YOU wish to keep it together.
YOU wish to keep your family healthy.
YOU need to be yourself.
YOU have been told that you cannot be yourself and have your family.

It may be time for you to be "selfish".
YOU need to be true to yourself.
YOU need to put yourself first (Oh yes, I am ducking low now and hoping that I escape injury for this statement) because only by thinking of yourself first can you devote your time and energy to the things you wish for.

If you cannot be the person you are inside, it will gnaw on you. It will torment you. It may drive you "mad". All too soon, you may begin to resent your family. You may see this situation as a destructive factor in your life. It could destroy you as the loving, devoted person you are.

Perhaps, your wife will consent to attend some sessions with your therapist, either with you or on her own. Sometimes, these discussions are better held with a moderator to help you both understand and accept.

I am rooting for you and your family. Please remember that LOVE transcends gender, regardless of what "society" says.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Hi Amber

My heart goes out to you and yours..i guess that sounds kind of ominous...

Its a lousy trapped feeling that often caused me to sink into deep depression...i didnt care how depressed i was...i hated everything and loathed human contact...if you are getting to that point you need to do something about it.

the concerns you raised are real, and they add to your challenge..i like to say that its a quality of life issue. what is gonna give you thebest quality of life? its a really hard question, and the answer can be that you don't know

thats why lots of people start HRT and see what happens, or start electrolysis and see if that is something you are really willing to do..

breaking it into small pieces is good advice..

[Sara Jessica]

This thread has troubled me since I read it this a.m. It's like, welcome to the middle path, a gender purgatory where we are compelled to do the right thing even though that thing which seems right appears to be unattainable.

There are no promises here. Every day will be a challenge for the rest of your life, just as it is for me. Some days are easier than others but when all is said and done, are we simply fighting off the inevitable? If so, then tell me now so I can make the move while I'm still halfway young.


Why bother....(i'm going to be prescriptive and cheerleader-y here)....because you're a woman. I want you to say it to yourself...you're a woman. Doesn't matter if you're not full-time...deep down, you're a woman, okay? Don't argue with the VeronicaMoonlit, the VeronicaMoonlit is always right in this matter.

I learned a long time ago not to argue with Veronica. Like she says, she is always right!!!

[ReineD]

CDinDayton, first I want to say how sorry I am that you are feeling this way. :sad: :hugs:

But, with your life as bleak as you describe, surely your wife and your children can feel your depression too? How can you feel any joy, ever, when you feel the way you do? I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and put on medication (I won't get into the details here), so I know how hard this is. I also know that it is difficult for loved ones to live with a depressed person as well. Very difficult.

It sounds as if you have reached a cross roads, and honestly this is not something that you can continue to live with without addressing it somehow. The consequences of keeping all of this bottled up can be quite severe. Untreated depression also causes permanent changes in your brain chemistry.

I know that you feel stuck right now.

I don't know what the solution is in your case, but I do know that you are the only person who can begin to make the changes needed to climb out of it, whatever those changes may be. The first step is to tell your wife how serious this is. Then, please seek help with qualified people. No one else can do this for you.
:hugs:

[EnglishRose]

From my point of view, and I'm in a similar situation, who you are is someone with crushing dysphoria and it's only going to get worse. I hate to sound so bleak, but that phrase "trapped in a xyz body" may be a cliche, but it sounds like you feel trapped where you are.

Want some inspiration? Take a gander at the TS women's successes page if you haven't already!

http://ai.eecs.umich.edu/people/conway/TSsuccesses/TSsuccesses.html


Really, I would not fret so much about it. You are not missing anything. I think maybe for TS who are still young, pretty, have their whole life ahead of them, can still go out and party without being lableled "Creepy" or "cougar" it probably IS something but once life settles down, bleh. :thumbsdn:

On the other hand, isn't it better for the kids to have another female parent than a late one? Just saying.

[AmberDay]

I have told my wife how much problems I am having right now. My biggest fear is that she would leave me; thinking that would make me happy. It won't. I have worked it out to where I no longer feel suicidal like I did a few months ago, but I don't know where to go. I know it is better for my kids to have a trans parent than a deceased one. But I keep thinking about all the embarrasement they will have to go through. One scenario that keeps popping up in my head is if I do transition how will I handle father son/daughter activities in school or scouts?

My therapist also said I need to be myself and that it is okay to be me.

I need to find the balance between being selfish and keeping the status quo.

[Starling]

My heart goes out to you, Amber. The nicer, more loving and considerate a person you are, the harder it is to forge ahead with what you need to do. Bless the therapists, and spiritual advisors, and supportive online friends, but it all comes down to you in the end.

Dear lady, I wish for you the strength and determination to chart a true course and stick to it. And if you don't mind, I'll wish the same for myself.

:hugs: Lallie

[~Michelle~]

Thing is, even when one does transition to whatever level of passability and full timeness, life doesn't change much, not much at all.

Really, I would not fret so much about it. You are not missing anything.

And I can name dozens of people that totally disagree with that Nicole. Just because you see it that way, doesn't mean that you should treat it as a fact and claim that it doesn't change anything for anybody, because that's false. ;)

[Joanne f]

I know that the clothes play a major part in not just the feeling of wearing them but also the metal side of validating of what you are and shopping for them can be one of the worst times to hit this home and depress you the most , but (always that but) you have to learn to look past that and concentrate on the other feminine ways that you can express yourself all the time or most of the time without most people even knowing , i know it is not a cure but it is a release valve which will stop that balloon from bursting , and at times will release a lot of that presser to carry you through another day especially when little amusing things happen when someone does notice .

[AKAMichelle]

Never give up. You are a complicated person trying to find balance and peace in your life. It will take time. Embrace the things that you can and maybe find ways to let her out in everyday life. That way you are getting closer to a blending of male and female.

You will get through this. Things will improve. It just takes time and I understand the feelings of despair because you don't see any progress possible. You can make some progress. Hang in there!

[Helen_Highwater]

Your plight has enabled others to put forward a wide range of views on a subject that affects many. In my case I’m no-where near being in your situation in terms of your dysphoria and while you may say I’m not in a position to comment, it’s often the impartial observer who sees the game better than the die hard fan.
I’m struck by a number of things; firstly you’re obvious love for your family and the desire not to put that at risk. That’s something as a closet CD I can relate to. It seems I also share the situation that stops me CD’ing as the kids are at home so endure a forced abstinence. I to squeeze in short periods of being able to dress and like you and others, find this less that satisfying. But it’s something I know I have to live with.
Secondly I can see your wife’s point of view. It’s one thing to accept a partners needs to dress, (how many envy you that) it’s something else to either live with someone who dresses full time and far more of a leap to share your life with a person who’s changed gender.
Ask yourself this. If your wife said to you she wished to change gender, become a man, would you be happy to live in a homosexual relationship? Because that’s what you would ask your wife to do if you changed. Or in those moments of tenderness and passion, would you still have your male brain in gear? Wouldn’t that go against the “I’m really a woman” feelings?
It does seem to me that many of the feelings you currently possess may be resolved if you are able to dress for more extended periods, to let off steam as it were. Why not approach your wife, explain this and see if you can spend time, a few weekends a year or even a weeks vacation, away, out of sight of the kids and be the person you want to be. As other have said, perhaps approach the subject through a third party, your counselor?
There are so many here on this site that meet up for a get together with which you could spend time and possibly go at least some way to quenching you thirst for “me” time.
I’m not one who subscribes to the mantra that the only path to happiness is to be true to only YOU. Life is always about compromise. Compromise has to be worked at. What is the point of being true only to you if that leaves you without all the other things that add the richness to your life in the same way that you add so much richness to your children’s lives. My advice is take what you have, work to make it the best it can be.