i dont wanna be a girl anymore, i wanna get rid of this stupidity

[Myojine]

I know that in truth i realy wanna be a girl but im so sick of hating myself. im sick of trying to explain to people, being considered a freak, a sin and weirdo ect ect


Why cant i just accept the fact im a guy and thats that?
Cant i just be happy im a male? or am i REAYL gonna be stuck like this forever...

I am NEVER going to be able to afford anything to transition to female, so whats the point in even hoping for it
im Sick of this

can someone teach me to love being a guy? or am i ****ed for the rest of my life

[Inna]

Hey hon, I am so sorry for your struggle. I do know as well as everyone here what that struggle means. For some the quest is one way and obvious but those are few, for everyone else it is a bit more complicated., my self included. I have lived 44 years on this earth and as far as I can remember I am stuck in between male and female. Overwhelming sensation of femininity doesn't help when your biological presentation says dude! Have you started hormones, how old are you, do you fantasize about being a wholesome woman? I am coming to terms with the notion that my dreams of absolute femininity may not come, but lately I have embraced my inner girl and the journey and the gift she is. I love the way I do because of her, I have raised a beautiful wonderful full of love and passion child because of her, I look at the world through her eyes. Yes I do live life as a man and that is the hardest part of it. Everyone has no doubt as of who I am, little they know :-)
I am sorry you must go through such things but maybe, just maybe you will be able to find little peace inside, where she is, you might discover she is a gift not a burden. And who knows what life may bring, just ask and answers shall be in front of you. But don't dwell on those questions, don't analyze, just listen for the answer in your soul and it shall come.

I love you hon, Alexia.

[carolinoakland]

Myojine, I feel like that. Or I used to. I'd spent my whole life trying desperately to prove I wasn't what I felt on the inside. And then decided it was time to go to therapy to prove one way or another; am I a Male Crossdresser and just accept it and be happy. Or am I really a transexual? As hard as it may have seemed at the time, if transition is right for you, things actually get easier. Because you don't hate who you are anymore. And another thing, Being trans and living transition does not require that you do any more than you require to be happy and thrive. I know many full time TS's who AREN'T going to SRS, for many personal reason's. But they have found a place where they finally are happy and at peace with their Gender.

Therapy is where you will finally ask the questions you already know deep in your heart.

Only you can give yourself permission to be happy. Carol

[Nicole Erin]

Some things of transition are expensive. I myself doubt I will ever be able to afford surgeries. Well unless by some stroke of luck I come into a ton of money.

However, here are the not-so-expensives:
Train your voice. The cost of this is practice and dedication. You can't really buy discipline, and voice surgeries are risky and low success rate, sounds fake.

Clothes - Yes this can get expensive but you build a wardrobe over time. It is not like you have to cough up $10,000 at once. Even an outfit here and there. If you find some nice things at a thrift store, you could easily build a wardrobe for under $100. Shoot, TEN dollars can get you started.

Mannerisms - Learned, not bought. Sadly there is no all-in-one book about this, just watch other women, learn, make all the observations you can. Once again, money is not needed and money could not help anyways.

Grooming - The cost is shaving products, makeup, the price of a good stylist (please go to a decent salon and not some crappy chain salon, trust me on this) You have to spend money on hygiene anyways. GG's shave body hair so fret not over "but I want it gone permanately". Gillette Venus is best razor.

Eyebrows - have a salon wax them regularly (need this maybe once a month), this will dramatically change the appearance of the face shape.

Beard - if you cannot afford electro or laser (laser is not permanant anyways) then tweeze the beard. Get a good light, place to work, good tweezers, and a magnifying mirror. Wear your glasses if you have them. This is time consuming and requires a few hours a week maintenance if you have a heavy beard like I do but shadow will not be an issue.

Body - Get in shape if you need to. by doing this, you will SAVE money by not eating at McD's as much and your health will improve.

About surgeries - Yes they do help but for breast/hips, you can pad, some GG's do that. With SRS - no one but lovers see what is in your pants anyways. When I figure out a way to do SRS at home, I will let everyone know.

There IS financial cost in even the thriftiest transition, but everything costs money. You would not believe how many TS think that transition is little more than a couple surgeries but fail to neglect the important things like ohh, developing a female voice.

OK I hope you didn't see that, I just now looked at your profile photo, you actually have a good start there, I think with just a touch more progress, you could go full time without a lot of problems, you look better than I ever did and when I go out I don't have issues.

[Bree-asaurus]

Nicole made a ton of good points but I wanted you to think about this too:

We are on the cusp of the gender revolution (as someone else here called it). Transgender is becoming more accepted than it used to be. Just like women, blacks and gays fought for their rights, we are too. We're next in line. There are already companies who's insurance covers transgender employees and help pay for their transition. How long do you think it will be before laws are passed and any insurance provider will cover hormones and surgeries?

My point is that right now you might not think you can ever transition, but no one knows what the future holds. 5 or 10 years from now, we might be in a totally different situation, where transgender people aren't treated any differently than gay or "normal" people. Don't give up. Try to be happy with what you have.

What you think is impossible today might just be possible tomorrow.

[Schatten Lupus]

The bad news is, is that yes you will be locked in a struggle until you have reached a point that makes you happy. I couldn't keep living as a foul-mouthed, liquor chugging, super masculine guy anymore, and just ditching a "fake me" alone has brought about a much higher sense of personal acceptance.
The good news though is there are many things a transition can potentially do to improve your situation. Alot of people, even crossdressers, exercise to get into better shape. Myself, I am going back to school with the drive and ambition to succeed so I can put myself into a better position to have a better chance at having a job in an accepting environment once I am full time.

[Sandra Dunn]

Yes it is a very rough period (that too) you are going through. As stated in a previous post there are a ton of things you can do now to help ease the transition process and give you the time to save for SRS if you want that or find a compnay with the insurance for SRS. I've ben doing laser, bellydancing, dressing, make-up and a whole bunch of other things for the past several years.

I have been doing some serious research about Transgender and just last month I decided to seek out a therapist to see about transitionng. By the time I went I had been dressing , goint out and doing all kinds of things as a woman. She was very impressed with how well I was adjusted to being a woman. Normally it takes lots visits to the therapist just to get the letter stating that youa re gender variant, or whatever the term they want to use, before you can start on any kind of routine for transitioning. I got my first letter in two visits, I am scheduled for one more as formalidy and I'll get the actual letter then. The second visit she stated that she would give me the letter and contact my Gyno. DR. to start the HRT next month.

I am planning on seeing an Endo. Dr. about removing certian items, I figured it was safer then taking all thos extra drugs. As for the bottom end I am not planning on doing that anytime soon. The cost of implants and the removal is less then 5,000 each procedure here in the states.

I'm like you, I hate the back and forth thing, I want it one way and that way is FEMALE!

HUGS Sandra Dunn

[TxKimberly]

Let me flip that just a bit. Why can't you accept that you are TG? I used to be screwed up in the head big time, torn to shreds over this. The day I decided that I was ok with what I was, life got SO much better. All of the anecdotal and scientific evidence say the same thing - while they don't know what causes it, it doesn't go away. Your choices are now to go freaking nuts or to accept what you are. I did the freaking nuts thing and didn't care for it, so now I'm trying the accept myself thing. So far (10 years and counting) I'm digging the hell outta self acceptance. Give it a shot. Look in the mirror and tell yourself "Screw it, and screw them, I'm OK with what I am."
Life will be better, I promise. . .

[Eileen]

Myojine Tx Kimberly makes a lot of sense. Give you self a chance and learn to love yourself for who you are. It is a lot easier and a great deal more fun to love yourself than to not like yourself.

You received some good advise. Start with small steps, things that you can do that do not cost a lot. They will do wonders for the way you feel. Each step will make you feel better about yourself and lead to you wanting to move on with the next step.

Eileen

[Veronica_Jean]

Myojine,

I have to echo what Kimberly and Eileen said. My peace came from accepting that I was and always will be TG/TS. I cannot change that and had no choice in being that way. What I can change is how I am most comfortable living my life and that is female. I do have that choice and I am taking it.

How far that takes me toward all the physical changes is yet to be determined. But I am comfortable in my body for the first time I can remember. The rest is just now taking care of my wants, rather than my needs.

Veronica

[Kelly Greene]

Myojine:

Kimberly, Eileen, and Veronica have it right. I had a time in my life that I thought I was going to go nuts but after I gave myself permission to explore what it meant to be TG/CD/TS or what ever you want to call it and to learn how all the different parts fit for me I have began to have a much much easier time dealing with everything that comes up.

[Myojine]

Well I'm going to have to call you on that Transgender is becoming more accepted, and call bullshit.
I'm sorry it IS being more understood but threw people who choose not to learn, and believe me the education of the western world is failing especially in the states.
Most of the time what I'm attacked for is my transgender status.
In the eastern world yes it's becoming more common and accepted. In Japan there's a lot of cross dresser transgender anime and manga coming out, on release being a special interest magazine called WAai! Boys in Skirts, even displays some into the "Male Maiden" gender role as well. Even as it's more accepted people are still harassed and the line between acceptance and hate is becoming more and more defined.

If I could I would stab anyone in the face who made this comment to me
Transgender, you want to be a girl? So you're gay?
Seriously that's how I feel.

[Rianna Humble]

The "so you're gay?" question isn't always a negative thing, most people don't understand who we are (yes who not what) so they try to relate it to something they do know.

Before I gave in and accepted myself, I wasted four and a half decades hating myself and trying to pretend that I was a man. It didn't work - all it achieved was to teach me how to bottle my emotions up until they exploded.

Since I have learned to accept myself, people around me comment how much happier and calmer I seem to be. Kelly is right that you can give yourself permission to explore what being TG means for you.

If you are having difficulty with the TG term, and if you are TS, you could tell people that you have a medical condition known as Gender Dysphoria - I have found that that sometimes gets a calmer response than saying I am TG or TS.

Whatever you do, please don't continue to hate yourself.

[noeleena]

Hi.

You have about 40 years to catch up to this kid . all of us are different & come from different countys & walks of life. & you have lots to learn ,
If you are willing to.

One of the most important things to learn is & trust me i learnt this 50 years ago , was / is accept your self , if you dont then dont even think why should any one else .
Because youll put barrers up & keep people away who you will need ,

I dont care if your a male , female or like me some of both its does not matter get your head right first then as you grow youll see who you are not a what you are ,
its about who you are . not wether you have male or female parts its about you as a person & who you are in side,

i can look at this both from a male & female way of seeing things because im wired both ways . iv done my time as a so called male, yet was i ,

im now & over the last 12 years have been living as close as ill ever be a woman & i can tell you im the most happyest the most contentest ill ever be ,
why , i did not struggle with am i a male or female because i knew i was ./ am both.

To fight your self is & will be very distructive & will take you down ,

I cant tell you what you should do only you can do that as you allow your self to be who you really are & for some of us that takes time & i mean a lot of ,

Give your self a chance take the time & just be you if people ask you what are you or what ever .
Tell them your hormones are imbalanced because for many of us they are & your not sure why. & leave it there . or in ,,,your,,, talk what ever.
& if you are intersexed brain wired like me then dont worry about it just enjoy who you are ,
Wear what ever clothes you like who cares really,
what im trying to impress on you is just grow in to your self ,& dont pressure your self in to being some thing or some one your not
i wish you well .

...noeleena...

[Claire Cook]

Let me flip that just a bit. Why can't you accept that you are TG? ... Give it a shot. Look in the mirror and tell yourself "Screw it, and screw them, I'm OK with what I am."
Life will be better, I promise. . .

I (and I am sure others) have gone through just what Kim has said, and she is absolutely right. Accepting what I am and who I am (don't want to transition, taking joy in being able to wear what I want and being proud to be a CD) has been a huge step for me.

[Frances]

I fought it for 40 years and reversing all that testosterone damage was indeed very expensive at that time. What are these costs that you find so prohibitive at your stage? Is it SRS that you are worried about? Most people will tell you that the hardest part is transitioning socially. SRS becomes far less important.

You do not look hairy in your pictures. Money may not be the issue as much as guilt for being trans. Seriously, transition is much more of a psychological process than a money-driven body transformation process.

[Melissa A.]

You're overwhelming yourself. You have the opportunity, support, and tools to possibley avoid what many of us have put ourselves through: Years of confusion, heartache, depression, breakdowns, and the tragedy of denial. But go ahead, walk away from yourself. Chase a "normal" life. Let us know in a few years how that worked out for ya. I suppose everyone has to find their way at their own pace. The mistakes I made did help make me who I am today, I can't deny that. But for years, I didn't have what you have: The ability to know you aren't all by yourself. I didn't know what resources were available, if there were any. I grew up in a world where awareness of everything trans was nearly non-existant. You're looking at the world through your own narrow experience, in one place, at one time, and ignoring what is out there for you. For you to tell someone who came before you that what they are telling you about the world being a somewhat better place is BS is so damn arrogant of you. We know it's true. We have lived it. And those who came before me, whether they be younger or older than I, suffered just as much and had to work even harder. I have a sharp appreciation for that. Look at the life of a Sylvia Rivera, or anyone from that era, even, and then yours, and tell me that while there remains much, much to be done, that things haven't changed for the better. EVERYONE is confused at some point. Everyone feels sorry for themselves from time to time. You didn't ask for this, and neither did I, or anyone here. Why can't you just be happy being a boy? Because, my dear, if you are trans, you AREN'T a boy. It's that simple. So here you are, at a relatively young age, confused, pissed off, overwhelmed...Ok. Good for you. You can look at it as this gigantically scary, overwhelming, BAD thing, walk away, and if you are dysphoric, if you are trans, pick up the pieces years or decades from now. because I will tell you as sure as I exist that you can bury who you are, you can lie to yourself, you can chase everything out there that you think will eliminate it all because you find it too painful now...and be right back HERE someday soon. Then come to me and tell me about pain and heartache, and about the people you now have to hurt along the way. Or...Put on your big girl panties, sister. It's in you. Find it. Help is out there. Use it. Stop overwhelming yourself. Slow down. Breathe. Breathe alot. Take your time, and go one day, and one step at a time. You ain't alone, kiddo. The world IS a better place. It can be better for you, too.

Hugs,

Melissa:)

[wanagione]

It took me along time to come to turms with this. I know who i am. I pray for your peace of mind. I have found peace in my male side and female side. I look at it this way,.. both men and woman have eachothers personalities, i know i dont have the right word i'm searching for, there are female soldiers, and male nurses. I know my sons need a dad so i'm a dad. but i also cook and clean the house and at times they have even called me mom by mistake. I think of it this way, I see single moms with hockey stickls playing with there sons you do what you have to do to be happy. I try to just live my life that makes me happy. I know i was born this way, and have been this way all my life. it's not going to stop or change.

[Empress Lainie]

I feel guilty to post on this thread because I did NOT go through any of the heartache most of us do (WELL not any exactly, losing my job due to hate, and my exwife not due to anything but she didn't want to see me as the beautiful (yes I'm vain) woman I am.)

But I have never been happier in my life since the very day I realized why I was different from other males was that this person was actually female. I went fulltime the next day, I can't describe the joy to be able to look at yourself in the mirror as a woman, be treated as a woman by men and women alike, and never be doubting who you are again.

From everything I have read over the last three years, self-denial inflicts real harm on you and also those around you in most cases.

I am like you in one way, I can NEVER EVER again think of myself as male. You try but can't be happy that way. your girl self is not going to let you just walk away from her.

Please don't wait until you are 45 or 50 or 60. You miss so much as I did. I was 72, but in my case it was plain old ignorance that delayed it. Thank Jove for Michelle, my liberator.

[AlisonRenee]

When I figure out a way to do SRS at home, I will let everyone know.
.

-- That would definitely be a challenge. I'd have trouble with doing that under anesthetic, for starters.

Joking aside, I'm sure that many of us have had those same feelings, Myojine. I know I have. I'm still coming to terms with who I am. The most consistent thing I read from the other girls here seems to be finding your own comfort zone, whatever that may be.

[Nicole Erin]

As you gain confidence, things get easier.
It may not help with passing so much but people just do not mess with someone who is confident. Even if people read you when you are confident, what are they gonna say?

the way to become confident - you just eventually grow tired of hanging onto the anger and fear.

[Kimberly Marie Kelly]

"Just accept who you are and things will get better". One of my closest girlfriends at work told me that "I'm so comfortable being me" that others accept me for who I am. You see I've changed my name to Kimberly Marie from my old name, and I'm full time now at work since last December (09)

One of the things I've always said to my trans sisters is this, animals can smell the fear of another animal, when they do, they attack viciously, as they can smell your fear. In the same way, when you are not comfortable with who you are or you think you're a freak, others pickup on that and will treat you accordingly to how you feel. Simply put, you need to become comfortable with yourself. I have

As far as the cost, what others have said is true, but my insurance does cover my meds (Spiro, Avodart, Estradial & Progesterone) I do pay the copays, my therapy sessions were covered as well. In time Insurance will cover my surgery. But for now I do what I can. But most importantly I am happy with myself and who I am. There is also the Jim Collins Foundation which does offer grants to cover the surgery expenses. Look into them.

God is also a big part of my life and I've found a very accepting church called MCCLV (Metropolitan Church of Christ Lehigh Valley) I'm accepted as me and have many new friends. I suggest finding a local MCC church near you.

But whatever you do, don't give up on yourself. Not everyone will look at you with disgust or fear, there are many more accepting people than you know. But the first person that needs to accept you is you. Good luck and if you ever need someone to talk to, PM me or email me. Kimberly Marie Kelly :battingeyelashes:

[Billijo49504]

Hi, You are a very good looking 20 yr old gurl. At least you are smart enough to start in your younger yrs. I wasted 63 yrs and just now getting around to starting counciling. But it kinda looks like I'll be getting my hormone letter. I should have done what you did, start young. But no, I tried to over correct to show I'm a GUY, big deal. And just on a personal note, don't stab themm in the eye. Shoot um, then you don't have to smell their BO and bad breath:tongueout Good luck in working things out, and if all else fails, get counciling...BJ

[Danni Bear]

Myojine,

You may not believe this but life does get better.
Stop beating up on yourself.
learn yourself and what makes you you
is it trans nobody but you knows
female or male your choice
transition is expensive but pre-op fulltime isn't
live your life don't do or live afraid of what some say
it's about you and what is right for you

wishing you all the best in all you do

love
Danni