Disphoria or heightened perception

[Inna]

In my recent journey I am discovering a new understanding of my self. For all my life i have known that persona assigned wasn't me. It felt cumbersome and awkward unnatural and sick. Then I discovered feelings of an opposite sex intermingled with my "natural" genetic self. Clash has begun and ever since youngest I had to cope with both tearing me to pieces inside. Recently I have experienced going out for the first time as her and through this experience I have come to a conclusion. However disconnected it will sound it feels logical. Avatar is the word we often use and it struck me that it truly is an existing phenomena. When I was born as every single being here on earth we are given an avatar, for most the fit is so comfortable that question of disconnectedness never arises. Some with higher sense of perception pick up on the mental-physical separation and form barrier. We, the disphoric, experience two mental states at the same time, one being feminine other masculine, and such brings on the disconnect from an assigned avatar being able to project only one set of dual aspect. I wonder what you think about this view on the subject?

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Dr vitale (she is tg) coined the term Gender Expression Deprivation Anxiety Disorder

I don't think anyone uses it, and it doesnt exactly slip off the tongue:heehee:..

but it think that the disconnect, the depression, the anxiety etc can be attributed to the feeling of your female self (which may your whole self!!) being totally and completely starved for the inputs that are required for a healthy mental state, and also that female self is blocked from expressing the everyday outputs that she needs..

so when i crossdressed over the years, i got those inputs, and slowly learned i could output back...i also believe that's a part of why so many closeted folks spend time on line under female personas, or shopping for clothes, or whatever....it relieves the anxiety from being deprived of a very basic human need..

[Melissa A.]

:iagree:

[Empress Lainie]

My dual gender conception of myself lasted all of two days after my epiphany, and I was so relieved.

I really admire those who can bear the brunt of having to live male part time for job or family and female the rest of the time. I decided after 2 days of my discovery it was not me, I am only and always female forever.

And it involved a 12 page printed out dialogue with a newly found friend who actually is bi-gendered (not physically, she's a gg.)

[noeleena]

Hi,

If you are refering to being both male & female . Well your in my teritory because from age 10 i knew , not the words of cause or even any understaning,
just knew i was both & as i grew it came out tho supressed . im not a male or woman completly or ether one , in the middle tho hinged more to woman in a lot of ways yet can not get away from my male side & really, its cool im happy this way ,
really if i look at it i see both sides at the same time ,wired both,

i should say i think both ways at the same time.
If you look only at your physical or mental state & disconnet then you have other details going on & then becomes a head problem .
for me i put both to gether & no major problems haveing s r s , b a, & h r t was right for me ,
Hey i know i cant be a full woman or a male so for me in the middle is right .

For the detail of how i present its as a male / looking woman .
womans clothes only & im accepted as a woman in my own right.
so ya its cool.

...noeleena...

[Inna]

Hi,

If you are refering to being both male & female . Well your in my teritory because from age 10 i knew , not the words of cause or even any understaning,
just knew i was both & as i grew it came out tho supressed . im not a male or woman completly or ether one , in the middle tho hinged more to woman in a lot of ways yet can not get away from my male side & really, its cool im happy this way ,
really if i look at it i see both sides at the same time ,wired both,

i should say i think both ways at the same time.
If you look only at your physical or mental state & disconnet then you have other details going on & then becomes a head problem .
for me i put both to gether & no major problems haveing s r s , b a, & h r t was right for me ,
Hey i know i cant be a full woman or a male so for me in the middle is right .

For the detail of how i present its as a male / looking woman .
womans clothes only & im accepted as a woman in my own right.
so ya its cool.

...noeleena...

Noeleena, I do identify with your thinking and too for obvious reasons, have a male side( hard not too when all physical is just that). But for entire life my inner psyche is a woman, soft, sensual, vulnerable, submissive. What a life's battle it has been to pretend masculinity and strength, in fact as I have it, it almost killed me for I was inches away from death by my own, but yet foreign, hand. Duality then is a fact but not a pleasant one, however I also have come to understand, it is here to stay. I am seriously contemplating FFS and have been on hormones for little over a year, extremely hard decisions yet they feel right somehow. My need to assimilate my avatar to my mental state keeps on gaining strength despite logic or concerns.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

i'm sure many folks enjoy their dual nature, but its clear you only tolerate it and so it makes perfect sense for you to aggressively pursue your options to feminize yourself more and more...if you think about it, you've spent your life trying to masculinize yourself...and we can all see how that worked out!

FFS is a gender conforming surgery...cosmetic ? yes of course, but much more powerful than that if done well..

[celeste26]

You might want to read existential philosophy it takes about this disconnected state in terms that we can understand without the gender getting mixed in. It usually goes to places like life being absurd though and meaningless.

[Inna]

Oh hon, I was trippin on existential philosophy, getting high on Taoism, sniffing Ayurveda and skinny dippin in Siddhartha's pool. I knew that I knew nothing and if I only could care less non would harm for I do not exist. And then my girl in me would stump her hill and give me the finger.:D

[Lori_Anne]

Oh hon, I was trippin on existential philosophy, getting high on Taoism, sniffing Ayurveda and skinny dippin in Siddhartha's pool. I knew that I knew nothing and if I only could care less non would harm for I do not exist. And then my girl in me would stump her hill and give me the finger.:D

Listen to that inner girl, she knows what she's talking about!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YhG1Bgbsj2w&feature=player_embedded

[BreenaDion]

Nope not me sorry . I lived as a male for 50 yrs or so I thought, now I suffer from of other issues. I am in treatment so dont worry.
My thing is now before I really get started with ptsd I have some what developed 3 different personalities. No im not crazy its all part of my transition an haven my male side finally let go , so a mix of male an female is where I am right now. I do things like a female but act like a male. Basicly I am trying to stay under the radar an still go forward.

Thanks for letting me vent Bree

[rachael.davis]

Dr vitale (she is tg) coined the term Gender Expression Deprivation Anxiety Disorder

I don't think anyone uses it, and it doesnt exactly slip off the tongue:heehee:..

but it think that the disconnect, the depression, the anxiety etc can be attributed to the feeling of your female self (which may your whole self!!) being totally and completely starved for the inputs that are required for a healthy mental state, and also that female self is blocked from expressing the everyday outputs that she needs..

so when i crossdressed over the years, i got those inputs, and slowly learned i could output back...i also believe that's a part of why so many closeted folks spend time on line under female personas, or shopping for clothes, or whatever....it relieves the anxiety from being deprived of a very basic human need..

I tracked down one of her articles, wowie thank you

[Wen4cd]

Dysphoria is the opposite of euphoria, it's a fancy greek word for 'misery,' 'anguish' 'unhappiness' etc. It doesn't mean multifaceted, dualist, two-spirited, posessing of a feminine nature, having a spiritual body, being the 15th avatar of Krishna or anything else. There are other words for all of that. Dysphoria is just simply the state of being utterly miserable.

You can, actually, be all that stuff above and not be at all dysphoric about it.

[Veronica_Jean]

Alexia,

Until recently I had no idea that some of what I did was related to the man items you listed above (Taoism, Buddhism, etc.) but they were a part of how I kept my balance and sanity.

A long long time ago, I ran across the writings of Anne Vitale, Melanie Philips, and a few others that were trying to understand and pass that understanding along to others like all of us. There was a lot there that I considered for a very long time.

Although I believe that every person is neither masculine nor feminine, I also believe they have enough similar characteristics, which allows them to focus on the differences as individualism rather than a different gender. We on the other hand, identify the differences within ourselves that each of the two groups feel they have in common, which causes us to question where we fit in the two gender system.

That aspect for me caused the greatest difficulty, even as recently as a few months ago. I found my peace by creating a third category of TS (or whatever name you prefer). This simply means that I have traits from both groups that describes my core makeup compared to either of the existing two groups. I am neither male nor female, I am TS. That simple realization provided me with significant comfort because I felt I had a place where I belonged.

Having said that, in order to live in current society, I chose to present myself, live, and interact as a female because it is where I am the most comfortable. I will never have the history, social conditioning, or many other things that FAB women have. I can however, grow into a comfortable female existence in society where I am comfortable and happy.

What you describe as avatar, I describe as core makeup. To me this is characteristics we are born with and can never alter throughout our lives. I think the disphoria results from grappling with our inner knowledge that we are not part of either of the two defined groups, which is impossible to ignore forever. Since society only has two bonifide groups we all feel disconnected from the expectations of others at a core level it creates feelings of improper living and improper behavior.

anyway thats :2c:

Veronica

[Davina Diamond]

I like Kaitlyn's first reply. I could sense my feeling of dysphoria slowly fading away as I began to open up to and accept my feminine side.

As a society, we are constantly being hoarded and positioned into our gender specific roles. This is done by people who don't understand dual gender, by advertisers and by a general social conscience.
Humans have always been told what's appropriate for their existence and this changes with every generation. I believe so long as you're not harming anyone else, then whatever you do is fine and acceptable.

The great thing about crossdressing is it excites the senses and means you feel more alive than if you did'nt crossdress. The look, the touch and the smell is something that is blissful.

People that say we should'nt do it are in theory, simply fascist. Why must to conform to a percieved state of being?
I love the irony of people saying they are individuals then being confused by people who aren't the same as them, I almost feel sorry for them.

I'll be quiet now, I should keep my rambing to my rambling thread :P

[Rianna Humble]

Gender Expression Deprivation Anxiety Disorder

If you suffer from that for long enough, does it become Gender Expression Extended Deprivation Anxiety Disorder - Gee Dad? :heehee:

[Inna]

I personally like and rather embrace the Japanese form of a label if we must resort to labels at all. New half, and somehow such description describes in entirety connectivity of two, one being body and soul original to societal view of a person and another being internal soul felt by the individual within and in our case non conforming to visual clues. If we subscribe to understanding that we are a conglomerate of conditioned inputs combined with genetic predisposition and cultural deposit over entire life span we then are not truly our selves but to say it correctly, them selves, as it would explain self built from interaction with outside not within. What is within then is entirely pure and can not be swayed or influenced but is eternal and true. For us perhaps, the essence of it is in form of feminine character. As every one wants to manifest this internal being, for the transgender, we must result to bending our external to fit that which can not be changed.