I need to leave

[4serrus]

Don't know if this is the place for this, and don't really care right now.

I need to leave my husband. Our marriage is done, and has been done for a good while. We were only still living together for the sake of our son, and for financial reasons.

The problem with this, is he is apparently unable to hold a job. Since he quit his good job april of last year, he was first unemployed until september, while our money (life insurance money, left to me by my parents) was drained and my credit cards got maxed out. Then he finally gets a job, but he loses. Quickly and gets a job at walmart...which he quits....to look for a better job...which he does get. Except that today, he was let go.

We have a seven year old son. I work part time making not even 8 dollars an hour. We haven't had medical insurance for a year.

Oh...and he doesn't accept me at all. He won't even let me cut my hair.

He doesn't yell or hit me. He is very passive-aggressive, moody. He's 'sick' a lot.

I don't know what to do. I don't know where to start. I have no support network, no family or friends. Nowhere to go. I don't even have a drivers lisence (pathetic, I know).

I don't know what to do.

[Tracey Corset]

I wish i was there to put an arm around you, this looks to me like you are being bled dry, no one wants to see a marriage end but you deserve better, i have been there as well, i did leave and left everything to my ex, kids as well, it was very lonely and painful for a long time but then i met Kym, she is my rock now, kids ended up moving back in with us when they left school, ( couldn't live with the ex either ) you should think about yourself now, be strong, make the rest of your life what you want it to be

[TxKimberly]

Awe Derek,

I have no idea what to tell you that would help. For what little it is worth to you, you DO have friends here . . .

[boi_0h]

I think the best advice I can give you is to take things one step at a time, set goals, like one could be getting your license, or trying to make more money, or getting a haircut (forget him, you're in charge of your life). Maybe there's a GLBT community center near you, where you can talk to some people?

[Ze]

Ah...I see I'm not the only person bummed out right now. :hugs:

If those are the only two reasons you're staying together, then you're right to think it's time to stop it. Financial reasons? Doesn't sound like that's working out very well anyway. And speaking as a child from divorced parents, do NOT stay together just for the sake of your son. Kids pick up on things very easily and in the long run he'd likely blame himself for all the family troubles. ("If I wasn't born, my parents wouldn't have had to stick together and have so many problems.") For his current well-being, there probably will also be less daily tension. If/when you and your partner split, just be sure to handle it as maturely on your end as possible. That's important. And where my own parents screwed up horribly. But as bad as it was (and still is), it was still better than continuing to grow up in the environment when they were still together "for the sake of the children."

Leave, take your son, and do what small things you can (e.g. haircut) to live more like you want to. I don't know of advice to give regarding money woes, but maybe doing small things for yourself male-wise will at least make you feel a little better about yourself. And that's important.

[Veronica_Jean]

Derek,

I would suggest you look into any low income assistance programs that may exist in your area. You don't have to be bankrupt and jobless in order to get health insurance and possibly some form of food assistance.

They may also have legal assistance to help with the family related problems you are having. Not to mention counseling or other possible forms of help.

Ze is right about how kids pick up on these things and your son may simply not want to say anything about how he feels inside. I have not been through that sort of thing, but I did agree to keep my gender issues silent until my children were of age. All of them around age 12 or 13, confronted me to ask questions that felt compelled to answer honestly. Today all of my children support me significantly.

I hope you find a solution to your predicament and find the help you need.
:hugs::love:

Veronica

BTW, I have a nephew named Derek, spelled the same too!!

[alpha12]

Financially speaking, you are probably actually better off as a single parent, because you may be more eligible for assistance. Look into section eight housing and other assistance.

As for the divorce itself, there are a lot of options:

Legal aid
Courts often offer plenty of info for representing yourself.
Most law schools have student clinics where you can get excellent representation--the students are supervised by some pretty great lawyers. Many clinic are geared towards divorce.
Some lawyers (including me, for example :) ) now offer web-based representation, where you can get focused legal advice and/or document preparation for much lower cost that traditional representation (I'm NOT trying to sell my services! I am only licensed in my own jurisdiction, I just mention it because it's a national trend that I think offers a good solution to families that can't afford a regular divorce lawyer)
Friend of the Court offers a LOT of services for sorting out child support and custody

Please don't stay in a marriage that is so negative! It's hard enough being trans and married to a man; trying to stick it out when he is not supportive in any way is just not worth it at all.

[Rio]

I think the best advice I can give you is to take things one step at a time, set goals, like one could be getting your license, or trying to make more money, or getting a haircut (forget him, you're in charge of your life). Maybe there's a GLBT community center near you, where you can talk to some people?

Hi, I really feel for you, I am in a vaguely similiar situation myself and I can only agree with Shaun's great advice above, I've found that setting goals and prioritizing life's challenges is an excellent way to alleviate some of the stress and anxiety.

Dividing up a 'Big' worrysome burden or problem into smaller more maneagable challenges can make facing it much easier to face and tackle, I can look at them one by one to see which ones are urgent, which will have to wait, those I can do something about right away etc.

I guess the first challenge that you have allready overcome is that you know its time to leave, if your partner has mutual feelings and also knows that things have come to an end then this might make the process easier (this is what happened in my case).

Maybe the first challenge you could tackle is to start by having the haircut you have always wanted! I'm sure it would give you a great boost at such a difficult time and also give you that extra confidence to approach the remaining challenges, I wish you all of the best :)

[Pam.]

Hello Derek

Your sound quite stuck. Truth is only you can decide to stay or leave. If you wish to leave only you can also create the money & opportunity to do so.

Your marriage exists because you decided to marry, so a situation which needs to be treated with respect. If you want to leave it - be honest & open, or else someone you once loved will be left in the dark.

Your not pathetic, just feeling powerless & as those feeling changes so will your outlook.

If your marriage was as over as you state you would not hesitate to cut your hair. Take a deep breath my love, step back from all the things you feel that stand in your way & take a fresh view.

Pam

[4serrus]

Thanks. Everyone.

My first goal is putting out applications to try and get a second job. Or a better job. One of the two. Have to look up ways to ... well, look more femme so I can get a job easier. Nobody hires 'dykes' or anyone who doesn't conform around here.

[Thornton]

what Ze and boi_Oh said. Though I think you're off to a good start with your first goal.

[Lorileah]

You DO have support although electronic. We are here for you Serrus.

and you want to look more femme? Why there must be a 1000 posts about how to do that in the MtF part ;) start there and then ignore everything that was said :)

[4serrus]

I'm crossdressing to get a job... :eek: I have to learn how to wear makeup and do my hair! Uggghh... Desperate times, desperate measures I suppose.

[Ze]

Sorry...that was funny. :elaugh: All I keep imagining is "Tootsie."

FlXE1Yq0AnQ

[4serrus]

Maybe I can get a job as a professional drag queen...

[Ze]

Now you're thinking! :thumbsup:

But seriously, good luck with the job hunt. I myself am having, well, lots of trouble getting one. Who knew Dunkin' Donuts has such high standards?

P.S. Tootsie is an awesome movie.

[Fab Karen]

Now you're thinking! :thumbsup:

But seriously, good luck with the job hunt. I myself am having, well, lots of trouble getting one. Who knew Dunkin' Donuts has such high standards?

You don't have a degree in Donut Science.:D


Info. for the OP: in the front of most phone books is the Govt. Pages- usually blue I think. Look through there for Govt. Services that could possibly help. A bit easier to get for women especially with children.

[7sisters]

hi Serrus. my two paisa's worth: Life is risk. Nothing risked nothing gained. Alpha seems to have good advice. You are only 26... your entire life is ahead of you. Now is the time to make the right moves.
Also USA is full of philanthropic groups who will help. Get online and search. And USA has so many ways to save money from coupons in newspapers, to food sales. For tips, check websites for foreign students who come there to study. You are born on a very lucky birthdate.... you will surely succeed through your own efforts. And have a very secure financial future. Listen to Rio -- get that haircut.

[christina marie]

step back, take a deep breath and disconnect for a minute. what advice would you give a good friend in your situation? could you take that advice? seems to me most of your questions already have their answers in your heart,be brave and listen! is often the hardest step,knowing what you have to do,but being scared to do it. the thing i keep getting stuck on is him not "letting" you cut your hair. WTF? isnt it growing out of YOUR head? if my wife told me i "could not" do something with MY body, ha ha, guess whose gonna get shown exactly how wrong they are? you are his partner,not his property,do as you wish with your hair! sorry to get bent about that,just absolutely abhor control freaks.
as for the rest, IMHO, drivers license = freedom. this will get you out of the house and get you to school or vocational training which will provide you with more potential to get a job that will allow you to support yourself and your son. there are many programs aimed at job retraining right now,some completely free, that you could use to get yourself closer to your goal of independence. pick something that you like and be the best at it! that way,you will get a job based on your skills and talents, and have the freedom to maintain your appearance as you see fit.

[Kieron Andrew]

You are his partner,not his property,do as you wish with your hair! sorry to get bent about that, just absolutely abhor control freaks. :yt: having been in a relationship with a control freak, i know exactly how this feels, and the only way to break the cycle is to rebel...go to the hair dressers and cut your hair, you don't even need to tell him!...when its done there is not exactly alot he can do about it!


IMHO, drivers license = freedom. this will get you out of the house and get you to school or vocational training which will provide you with more potential to get a job that will allow you to support yourself and your son. there are many programs aimed at job retraining right now,some completely free, that you could use to get yourself closer to your goal of independence. pick something that you like and be the best at it! that way,you will get a job based on your skills and talents, and have the freedom to maintain your appearance as you see fit.
i think this is definitely the way to go

[7sisters]

Serrus: Let us know what exact areas you need help. Then we can do research on the internet for you to see what your options are. One ministep a day.

[Nicole Erin]

If you and the soon to be ex can agree on the terms of the divorce, it will go a lot easier and cheaper. Me and my ex didn't use attorneys, didn't even have to go before a judge.
Of course we had nothing really to split and nothing worth fighting over, we were mostly tried of being married. yes, me being TG had an effect.

[4serrus]

I'm applying for places online, and I plan to go to the DMV on monday to get my learner's renewed. Hopefully I can coax him..or someone.. to help me log the hours I need (you have to log 80 hours on the road to get a lisence here). Then I'll have to figure out how to get driving school done, and a cheap clunker car.

[Lex]

I wish that I was old enough, mature enough and experienced enough to give you some sort of useful advise. Sadly, I cannot give you any advice, but I can give support and a sympathetic ear should you ever need it. *Hugs* I hope that someone can help you in the way that I cannot.

[4serrus]

Any tips on getting yourself and possibly someone else out of that crippling anxiety phase? You know, where you curl up, can't move, physical pains anxiety?

[Ze]

All kidding aside, my answer is Thorny. Or, at least, that's my personal answer. After three weeks of what you're more or less describing, I had somebody who yanked me outside, smacked me over the head (literally), and simply made me feel like less of a freak by treating me like I'm normal.

My point is: Do you have someone you can vent and pal around with for a few hours? I know you have a child and a job and are looking for a second job (which must be incredibly rough), but is there any sort of short-time activity or playfulness that can help you "forgot" the anxiety for a small while? I know it sounds both impossible and simplistic, but I just wanted to share what recently finally helped me.

Maybe hang with the other person you're mentioning? If it's your son, take him to the park or something he likes to do?

:hugs:

[7sisters]

I think I get spiritual- I've been taught we chose our own whole lives before we were born. Especially our challenges so we can grow. I've been taught we've been born before many times, many lifetimes. We got through all those lifetimes. we'll get thru this life too... and in my next life I wont even remember all the messes I made in this one. and you only go through the challenge once. If you conquer it you wont go thru it again. I think our fears of hurting our egos and thoughts of failure are what keeps us shackled. But not trying means we have already failed. You never fail till you stop trying. Made sense? I privately also believe that our thougts create reality. I feel I have dreamt up everything around me. you can dream up good things for yourself.

[christina marie]

ok. you asked for it. . . dont know if it will work for you, but i am in a similar situation, and this is what i do, works for me. . . dont mean to sound cruel,but, suck it up! turn all that anger/frustration/hate/anxiety/pain into motivation. if this is truly what you are feeling and thinking, then you know all t he reasons why you need to get out. keep all those reasons in the front of your mind and make a plan. doesnt matter if it takes you years (am on a three year plan myself). all that matters is if you make it out with your sanity intact. having a plan to hold on to will help. is going to take time to get educated and start making good money. let him do his part during this time* and keep plugging on with what you need to do. keep your goal in front of your eyes and make whatever little steps you can get away with to keep yourself calm in the mean time. is hard to do, but keep the peace in the house balanced with your needs for as long as you need to be there. keep moving forward. do not let anything non-critical stop or hold you back. i know what it is like to be where you are, but we do what we have to, to find a balance between our own needs, and the responsibilities we have chosen to take on in our lives( being a parent,spouse,etc.) in the long run,you are the only person responsible for your own happiness,and the only one who has the power to make it happen. the only question really left to answer is, do you have the courage,strength and determination to make it all happen?

* am in no way,shape or form advocating the lying to,or deception of ones SO. mine knows our situation is finite,conditional,and has been made aware of the timing of my " three year plan". YMMV, but i strongly suggest that anyone in a similar situation give the same consideration.

[4serrus]

Interview tuesday. See how that goes. Bitched at him because he's on antidepressants and hasn't been taking them.

I've got someone I can screw around with, but they've been busy. And I'm under a lot of stress so I'm not sure how social I am at all.

Goals? Goals make me depressed... D: I have vague plans, I think that's all I can handle right now. I need to get some debts settled before taking on MORE debt in the form of student loans...

[4serrus]

Oh and we're losing our roommates so apparently we need to move. More stuff on my plate. Just keep piling that on there, I'll ****ing take it all like I have been.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Interview tuesday. See how that goes. Bitched at him because he's on antidepressants and hasn't been taking them.

I've got someone I can screw around with, but they've been busy. And I'm under a lot of stress so I'm not sure how social I am at all.

Goals? Goals make me depressed... D: I have vague plans, I think that's all I can handle right now. I need to get some debts settled before taking on MORE debt in the form of student loans...


I was wondering from your first post if your husband was suffering from deoression, and I do not doubt that you may be as well. Going from job to job ,finacial and family problems all contribute to depression. There are a lot of things that put pressure on a young family theses days.

The cycle of taking meds, not taking meds, is a struggle for many people who take anti depressants. most anti depressessants, take 6-8 weeks to become effective, and sometmes you have to go through a few different meds before you find one that works best for your husband.

I went through 9 defferent perscriptions before i found one that worked well for me. Like your husband i struggled with taking them on a consistant basis. Finaly I made a promise to a friend to take my meds until a doctor eiter changed my meds or i showed improvement. I would encourage your huband to find an accountability partner. It sounds like he is trying with work. he's finding jobs which is hard in these economic times. have you tried counciling ?
Kelly

[victoriamwilliams1]

I was speechless and at some point I still am! If I was near I like many other would give you a big hug:) I will say that most men do not like taking meds and when it is required to take them to keep them stable it is very hard. I agree with Kelly about having an accountability partner.

[AnonyMouse]

Ouch... your situation sounds so much like mine (minus the SO, child, and job; add parents). I've been trapped in mine for years and sometimes it feels like there's no end in sight.

One of the first things you should probably be focusing on right now is becoming financially stable and independent. I'm guessing that at the moment you don't have enough extra money to pay for a driving instruction course, but that would be very helpful in your job search.

You definitely need to ditch the parasite. Without a support network, I don't know where you'd go, but you might try looking on the Internet to see if anyone in your area would be willing to help you out in exchange for rent. (You wouldn't want to make an arrangement with just anybody, naturally; find someone who is looking for a tenant, have a meet-up, and decide whether the arrangement is right for you.) You don't have to wait until you're divorced to leave, and in this case it sounds like you'd be better off not to. No matter what kind of garbage your husband puts into your head, you aren't legally required to do whatever he wants.

[Leo Lane]

Any tips on getting yourself and possibly someone else out of that crippling anxiety phase? You know, where you curl up, can't move, physical pains anxiety?

Breathe. Shut your eyes. If that doesn't work, scream and flail and vent if you have to. Whatever, so that you can get on your feet. Then go and make yourself a nice cuppa tea, or whatever your equivalent is, and sit and eat/drink it and look out of the window and try to think of nothing just for a little while.