I am confused about who I am.

[Confused_]

Hi everyone, I just joined the forums. I am currently 18 (almost 19) and I have been crossdressing since I was 12. I only dress when I'm home alone and I haven't come out to anyone except my mom.

I am biologically male, but sometimes I wonder if I should have been born a girl. So I guess the question is that I'm not sure if I'm a girl in a man's body or if I'm just a crossdresser. Hopefully you people can help me.

I am attracted to girls only. Sometimes though, I just feel so agonized that I am not a girl. When I see girls, I am so jealous of them and I just think that I wish I could be like them. When nobody is around, I often say "god just make me into a girl please". I can't explain how horrible it feels to know that I can never be a girl. I feel that I have a very feminine personality. Lots of times, I just think for hours about the fact that I'll never be a girl. My can really feel my heart getting heavy.

However, I also feel like I have a lot of the "symptoms" of crossdressing too. I get turned on when I'm wearing woman's clothes and often after masturbating, the urge to crossdress or the wanting to be a girl becomes less.

Can anyone identify with what I'm feeling now? Are all my feelings those of a crossdresser or is there something else there too?

Any thoughts or questions would be welcome.

Thank you so much.

[Faith_G]

Short answer - get thee to a gender therapist!

Sounds familiar to me. I could have said the same things at your age, although with a larger helping of shame and self-loathing. :hugs:

Did you look at this thread yet?

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=135626

[Inna]

Hey there, don't despair because a simple answer to your dilemma as to not ever being able to be a girl is simply, yes you can! That aside, a good gender therapist will allow you to clarify your feelings although I do stress good gender therapist! It isn't cheep and I my self am skeptical of how much of soul searching there really needs to be done before one truly understands but I have had 40 years to dwell on that. One of the major factors in full assimilation is to start early, in fact, as early as possible so you are extremely lucky to put forth this question, this is the right time to do so. Also this forum and all the gender trippers here including me are well versed in life experience associated with all aspects of transgenderism. Take a deep breath, relax and go on to ask questions, we will be here for you like we are for each other, a pretty huge loving family.
Love ya, Alexia.

[Hope]

Well, first of all, welcome to the forum.

Secondly, and this is not what you are going to want to hear, no one here can tell you who or what you are... only you can do that for yourself. But it sounds like you are asking the right questions, being honest with yourself and in search of real answers. That is a awesome start.

[Melissa A.]

Can anyone identify with what I'm feeling now?

Uh, lemme think about that one-Yes.

Welcome to the forum. I realise that you're presently confused, but I also have to say that it gratifies me so much that you are 18 and here, asking questions, trying to deal with your feelings, rather than bury them in shame and fear. Sign of the times. So, congratulations.

Listen to yourself and you'll find what you need. And really-don't stress about what does or does not exite you sexually. You're 18! You're supposed to be aroused at just about anything. It's also not unusual for feelings that have no outlet to manifest themselves sexually. A gender therapist would be helpful, if you are ready, but just be honest with yourself and I'm confident you'll eventually want to change that username. How'd it go with your mom?

Best of luck and strength to you.

Hugs,

Melissa:)

[Holly]

Don't know if this will help or not, but I've met very few 18 year olds that are not confused. I don't say this to be flip. You're just getting a good start in life and the choices can be overwhelming. i am the last one in the world to tell you what is right for you. That is something that you will have to work out for yourself. What I can tell you is that what you are feeling is common and that it is okay to have those feelings. And never say never. You can be whoever you want to be. Best wishes and much happiness in the future!