Learning more about myself...

[Ruikki]

So I have not been the most active member of this site as of late and, actually, that fact has brought some things to my attention. The past few weeks I have had less and less urge to dress up and be en femme. I stopped shaving my legs, stopped underdressing and haven't even given as much of a glance at the new clothes I got when I was back home. It all started when I cheated on my girlfriend... now I know what all you girls are going to say and its not something Im proud of having done... but it made me think about my relationship with my girl friend and about how I think of her... and myself.

She is not the most feminine person and in fact she often exclaims how she detests certain things femme... She's also much against strong masculinity as well... throwing her somewhere in the androgyny that some of us may feel more closely with. When this other girl came along, I put forth my best efforts to attract her attention and I subconsciously became a lot more masculine. Has anyone ever experienced this? I dont know what to really think about it.

[Lucy_Bella]

Let me count the ways....Couldn't tell you how many purges some of these women cause me to do and not even knowing they did..Yes I can agree ,when a sweet attractive lady enters my life ....well Lucy is gone , ... but of course she come right frickin back #%@%^$&#&^%:sad:

[AKAMichelle]

While I didn't cheat, I do relate to the part about becoming more masculine to attract a woman. I was recently in Dallas working for 2 weeks and while I was there I met a woman. I got so wrapped up in asking her out and subsequently dating her that I quit thinking about cd'ing all together.

[jenifer m.]

yeah i am married but there is this girl at school that i always act macho for,and it does get her attention.but she also knows about my cding.so we will see whats up.

[Ruikki]

The thing is... my relationship is slowly coming to the point where Im looking for a way out and I find it interesting that my move away from cd'ing seems to follow. I've been having thoughts of really removing this part of my life... It started when I realized that I didnt want anyone to know about it... which then progressed to me not wanting to lie to the closest people around me. Even in my most vulnerable state (i was experimenting with substances with a few friends) I never even considered talking about it. I told a lot of very personal things that night, but It never occurred to me to say anything about this. I like the idea of not having a second identity... It makes it easier for me to track myself.

[Rondalake]

Here's my two cents: I've never cheated on my wife and while I've been attracted to other "GG's" I always felt I was not "masculine" or confident enough in myself to approch them. Perhaps by trying to be more masculine you were trying to minimize your feminine side.

Roni L.

[Mikaela]

The 'sad' fact is, it never goes away for most people. If you did it before you were even sexually developed, there's a good chance that you can't. It may even have a biological component (after all, we all start female). And if it is biology, willpower won't beat it.

You're a guy first and a CD second, which is why macho-Ruikki beat out CD-Ruikki. So maybe you can, but there's a good chance that it is a purge cycle like we've all seen before.

If you're looking for a way out of your current relationship, you should just end it. Stringing it along doesn't help her or you get over it any faster. I don't think the end of your relationship = end of CDing, so much as you realize that you need to make yourself seem more attractive for your next girl.

You not wanting to lie to close people is a simple function of the implied shame. When you accept that it is not shameful, if ever, you'll be able to say anything you want. I'm not at that point, but there are plenty of great examples here on the board.

I'll refer to my female side as if it's a second person, and it sometimes helps the mental shift or internal dialogs, but the reality is that it's not a secret identity, it's just you. Some of us swing far one way and then the other as our purge cycles repeat themselves, but if you come to terms with it and give it only what it needs, you'll be happier. Think on those terms before you try to purge and 'quit'. You might come to a different conclusion for yourself.

Edit: And what Ronda said. I'm not confident in male mode and I've had my share of compliments, I just don't know how to take them.