Sad and a little depressed

[Frances]

Sometimes, I get overwhelmed by this feeling of sadness regarding my lost relationship. For the last couple of years, I have been sending birthday wishes and requests for news to my ex, but I never get an answer. Our seperation was hard, but there was no animosity. In fact, we never fought about anything. There is so much about that relationship that I miss. I lost my best friend. We were together for 8 years (living together).

Getting ignored makes me feel like I do not exist and that my life is not worthwhile to anyone. It is problem I have been having with some new friends (and older friends) as well. I feel like a ghost and want to cry. In times like these, I fear depression coming back.

[kellycan27]

Hi Frances... Eight years is a long time, and you mentioned that you have been thinking about it for the past couple of years. Seems like it's pretty much a done deal, and your ex seems to have moved on. Don't you think that it' about time for you to do the same thing? Move forward. I know how difficult it is for girls like us to find an accepting SO, but look how hard it was for us to transition, and it didn't kill us. We just pushed ahead come hell or high water. We just have to adopt the same do or die attitude when it comes to relationships.. You found somebody once..... you'll find some one else, but you have to try. :love:

Kel

[Ze]

Oh no! One of my favorite ladies is unhappy! :sad:

I can't imagine how hard that must've been on you and continues to be so.

Although I fully believe that she (?) was your best friend and companion to you, I highly doubt the feeling was mutual. She wouldn't be treating you this way if it was. I can understand the difficulties of a partner as they watch the transition of their loved one and struggle with what that means for themselves, and while divorce and separation can be understandable with such circumstances, completely cutting you out of her life is not. That's taking it too far, putting one's identity over the person themselves. (I'm assuming the rift happened due to TS reasons.) In which case she never knew or understood the real you anyway. It's easy for me to say, but do NOT continue wasting your time and energy and happiness on this creature. What is it that she's done to deserve such devotion?

I'm sure you already know this yourself, but due to such circumstances, I find efforts to contact her to only be in vain. All it's going to do is continue to hurt you. I don't want to see you continuing to be hurt. If one day she comes to her senses and respects you for the person you are, I'm sure she'll be able to find you.

For what it's worth, if we lived even remotely close to one another, I'd seriously, seriously want to hang out with you. A lot. :huggles Like I think I've said elsewhere, I likes ya. And it's a bonus that you're cute, too.

[hopingsecret]

As someone who is quilty of doing the same thing, I'll try to explain at least my point of view. When a relationship I'm in dissolves, I break off all communication with that person. No matter who it was that actually asked for the relationship to end. For me, once I cross the line into a romantic relationship, there's no turning back for me. So when it ends, I just can't bare to be around the person anymore. It hurts too much. So for my own sake I just drop all contact. I'm not saying that's exactly what's going on with your former partner, but it could be.

[Traci Elizabeth]

I am going to have to agree with Kelly & disagree with Ze on this one.

I had a love a long time ago that I thought was my everything and that I would/could NEVER get over. For many years I lived in anguish over her loss and she haunted my every thought.

Then I finally realized that if I were ever to move forward, I had to let go of her hold on me. She (like your's) left without much communication and shortly thereafter that turned into no communication.

She moved on to live her life and there is nothing wrong with that or wanting to escape one's past for what one perceives is a brighter future.

After many years, I found my soul-mate (my current wife). I never knew back then that what I thought was love did not even compare to what I have now.

Francis, I promise you that these feeling you are having will too pass and true love is in your future but like Kelly said, you have to open yourself up to it and move forward.

Love will not come knocking at the home address (unless you fall in love with the pizza delivery man). You have to put yourself in situations where you can meet people and they you.

I wager to bet that our own worst enemy is our biased and prejudice view of our past. Let them go Francis!

Happiness is forward and now! Not the past which is forever gone.

Be happy Sweetie

[carolinoakland]

I"m with hoping. I just can't stand to be reminded of the lost potential future i desired.

[Frances]

Thank you for your responses. I went for a walk yesterday evening, a guy smiled at me and said hello to me. We ended talking for a couple hours over a glass of wine. I am open to new encounters and situations. I am on dating sites and am trying to meet someone, but when I left her three years ago, it was because of the transition. I did not want to leave her, but the guilt was killing me.

I loved our relationship. I loved that we really got into the same music and that we were together all the time. I loved or little trips to Boston, New York and Burlington. I loved seeing her dark Armenian eyes light up when she would buy something and be all amazed by her new find. I loved that she would smile and then close her mouth a little sheepishly because she was embarrassed by her one crooked tooth. I loved learning about Armenian culture and the language. I loved her olive skin and ethnic nose. I loved that she loved cats. I loved sleeping with her always entangled like a knot, and all the way like that until morning. I hate that I broke her heart for choosing transition over suicide.

[katieblush]

Frances hiya,ohh god i know that pain only to well,it can eat you up,if you let it,and i am not going to tell you to get over it,time is a good healer.

I stand on the very edge of loosing a long term relationship yet again,friends gone,family etc.

Transition over suicide guilt etc,well thats one hell of a thing to deal with,and its a place TS have to deal with,and its harsh boardering upon torture i think,i really have no answers for you only do not let depression capture you,best wishes for you.Katie xx

[Traci Elizabeth]

Thank you for your responses. I went for a walk yesterday evening, a guy smiled at me and said hello to me. We ended talking for a couple hours over a glass of wine. I am open to new encounters and situations. I am on dating sites and am trying to meet someone, but when I left her three years ago, it was because of the transition. I did not want to leave her, but the guilt was killing me.

I loved our relationship. I loved that we really got into the same music and that we were together all the time. I loved or little trips to Boston, New York and Burlington. I loved seeing her dark Armenian eyes light up when she would buy something and be all amazed by her new find. I loved that she would smile and then close her mouth a little sheepishly because she was embarrassed by her one crooked tooth. I loved learning about Armenian culture and the language. I loved her olive skin and ethnic nose. I loved that she loved cats. I loved sleeping with her always entangled like a knot, and all the way like that until morning. I hate that I broke her heart for choosing transition over suicide.

Francis! My God woman! You did not tell me she was Armenian. I was in Philadelphia some years ago and at the hotel I was staying at, there was a New Year's Armenian party for the Philadelphia Armenian Relief Society in one of the banquet rooms and as I walked by they asked me if I would like to join them.

I said sure and to this day, I still remember the fun I had as they were extremely friendly, the women were gorgeous with dark hair & eyes and sexy to die for as well as they all loved to enjoy themselves, and they played the traditional folk music with a live band and they all danced the traditional village dances along with ME! Yes! They pulled me out in the middle of the dance floor and I felt like I had been with family!

Interesting side note, almost without exception the men danced together holding their hands high in the air and the women danced separately.

Damn that was so much fun and I would love to do it again!

I know that does not help but you should never had said she was Armenian!

[Inna]

Hey gorgeous, I am so sorry you feel the loss. We often dwell on the past and do not see the light of a new. Memories have tendency to become grander than the reality they represent.

Close your eyes............., take a deep breath............., and listen, but not your memories and not your wants, just listen to the calm of your soul.

This is the journey we embrace, without pain, without regret, a new day is coming just to, for a while hang on with you and then like the rain drop falling from a wire, shall disappear in the fertile dirt of life, living you with a fresh scent of a new memory.

Love from me to you, that is all I have

[Teri Jean]

Frances, it sounds like a death of a loved one and I for one knows what that is like. Three yrs ago I lost my wife of 35 yrs. All I can give is my friendship and best as we move through the those lonely moments . Does it get easier? The new normal is not always the most desired but we can deal. You take care and if you want PM me.

Hugs Teri

[LisaM]

Hi, Frances,

I am on the opposite side of the fence than you and still I feel your pain. I have not transitioned because I know what it will do to my spouse and our family. Yet my life is no different than yours--it is filled with regrets and sadness and loss as I see so many of my friends transition--and at the same time I kept my family and that feels good..but is it enough,..I will never really know.

[Gerrijerry]

I see this all in a different light I guess. To me it sounds like you are depressed and because of that you remember about what it was before not all the good things you have today. We all know that living a dream is not perfect and all the stuff about the world accepting and not accepting is always out there. There will always be highs and lows in our lives. Remember that your high time is comming again and just around the corner. Live life and enjoy as much as you can every day. Life is so short for us. Think about all the others who will never have what you have already. I spent 35 years in a closet and one day I just picked my self up and got out. Has it changed my life? of course it has. But life over all is better now. I don't have to live a lie anymore.

[Nicole_P]

Oh Frances- I could have written your post except I would have to replace your 8 years with 30...I think about her all the time and miss her terribly. I have gotten the same treatment as you. I write emails to her that are so heartfelt, and then get nothing in return. It has been almost 4 years, and the pain is as strong as ever. Hopefully time will heal, and we will be friends again, but I just wanted you to know you are not the only one going through this, and my heart goes out to you. It really does suck, but hang in there- what else can a person do??...

Nicole

[Frances]

GerriJerry may be onto something. It is true that I think more about the lost relationship, when I dwell on how unhappy I am in the present. I have transitionned socially and I am nearing surgery, but I feel very lonely.

I miss the boy sometimes, as he could make friends really easily and did not have to censure himself all the time. When meeting new people, I constantly get these weird looks when I veer into subjects that are not girly enough, or when I imitate people, or when I know more about any subject than a guy I am talking to.

My old friends do not talk to me in part because I have somewhat lost interest in the common places we had, and new people do not want me to talk about the things that used occupy my life. Men want me as a 3D pornographic object, but do not want to date me. I miss sleeping with someone.

[LisaM]

Frances,
I love your posts. They are so thoughtful, poignant and insightful. I am sure that you will find friends to share your life with because of your sensitivity and compassion.
You are in a low point right now and eventually it will pass and you will be feel differently. When I am depressed and down I try to remember the movie, "Parenthood", where they mention that life is like riding a roller coaster; it goes up and down and I smile and realize that things are ok when you are on this ride.

[Hope]

My old friends do not talk to me in part because I have somewhat lost interest in the common places we had, and new people do not want me to talk about the things that used occupy my life. Men want me as a 3D pornographic object, but do not want to date me.

It sounds to me like you don't know how to shop. Where are you encountering all of these grade C rejects? You want to hang out with people who will love you for you? You want to hang out with folks who will treat you as something other than a porn star? It seems you have to surround yourself with a higher quality of person. Volunteer for HRC or some other organization that matters to you - you will meet people there. Invariably, the folks who give of themselves for the benefit of others are better people. Go to college and take a class in something that is interesting to you. The really kick-ass people are the ones who are always improving their skills and knowledge. Besides, Chris Rock was right, Community College is basically a disco with books - particularly the evening classes.

[Frances]

It sounds to me like you don't know how to shop. Where are you encountering all of these grade C rejects? You want to hang out with people who will love you for you? You want to hang out with folks who will treat you as something other than a porn star? It seems you have to surround yourself with a higher quality of person. Volunteer for HRC or some other organization that matters to you - you will meet people there. Invariably, the folks who give of themselves for the benefit of others are better people. Go to college and take a class in something that is interesting to you. The really kick-ass people are the ones who are always improving their skills and knowledge. Besides, Chris Rock was right, Community College is basically a disco with books - particularly the evening classes.

I don't know what HRC is, or if it is found in Canada, and I already have two university degrees, but you are right.

I used to be a musician and quite involved in the music scene in Montreal. I am passionnate about music and music gear. I also love car racing and cars, and know just about everything about hockey.

Men I meet are not too excited to hear me expand on these subjects, but it is what I know; my old friends don't want to hear me talk about makeup or boys. And nobody wants to hear about my transition anymore! I am kind of stuck in this weird zone delineated by social constructs. I wish I could be the cute girl into F1 and hockey, who can also play like Hendrix, but nobody wants that product, it seems.

[Allsteamedup]

Francis, on some of the sites frequented by older TS you will find quite a lot of chat about living as a woman. Here in the UK you have to complete the Real Life Experience, which is living and working as a woman before you get anywhere near SRS.

Having read your posts I can now appreciate why this is done. You present as a woman but you do not seem to have done your background work as to how you would relate to other women, nor, it would seem,men.

Yes, there are certain conversational topics and experiences that are almost expected, depending upon which social or domestic situation you are in. If you wanted to transition so badly, surely you had some preconceptions as to which part of a woman's life would make the effort worthwhile?

TS support groups are very helpful at getting you out in the mainstream of life, but I am afraid that there are no short cuts for effort on your part.Do you take a womens' magazine, watch girly television, join a volunteer programme....?

The problem with your previous partner is that you have nothing to offer her now that you are a woman. Women choose their friends largely upon shared experiences eg. college years or pregnancy or child-rearing or employment. The shared life you had in a different gender would not be the basis for a friendship now. You write in a very romantic way about what you miss. What you have not grasped about being a woman is our lives of service, dedication and often sacrifice. That's why I wrote 'What is a woman?' and not 'Who is a woman?'

There are lots of ideas in womens' magazines about how to build a new life. Often these suggestions are meant for people suffering broken relationships or life-threatening changes. However, the advice is sound no matter what your circumstances. You just have to get used to the idea that a woman's life is always work of one sort or another.
Good luck and best wishes.

[hopingsecret]

I"m with hoping. I just can't stand to be reminded of the lost potential future i desired.

Thanks Carolin.

[Frances]

Francis, on some of the sites frequented by older TS you will find quite a lot of chat about living as a woman. Here in the UK you have to complete the Real Life Experience, which is living and working as a woman before you get anywhere near SRS.

.

I appreciate all your advice including some in this post, but I do not like where this is going, and I am a bit insulted by the preconceived ideas used to jump to conclusions.

I went through 5 years of weekly therapy (individual and group). I have been on hormones since december 4th 2008. I have been living full-time since may 4th 2009. I have followed all the protocols to the letter. I have completed the RLE and SRS will be in January. Most importantly, I did not want to transition badly, I did not want to transition at all.

I have lived a life of service, dedication and often sacrifice taking care of my mother who fought cancer for 18 years. Actually, like most trans people, I lived the life a ghost. I never said I was looking for short cuts. I do everything very slowly and deliberately. I even saw therapists for 10 years prior the 5 years mentionned above to avoid transition. I am 43 and just starting to learn how to live as a woman in society. I know very well that transition is a slow process and does not end with SRS.

I was looking for a mirror with this thread not a judge.

[kellycan27]

Having read your posts I can now appreciate why this is done. You present as a woman but you do not seem to have done your background work as to how you would relate to other women, nor, it would seem,men.

I have been living full time for about 8 years, 4 of which have been in transition. I must have missed the class on "relating to women". I can't speak for all TS people, but I never had a problem relating to other women because I as far back as I can remember.. I have been one. Nor did I take any kind of deportment lessons, hang around the mall to see how they walked, or talked, sat, crossed their legs, or acted. Those things just seemed to come naturally. I may not be able to relate to actual child birth nor can I speak about menstration, but I certainly can relate to work,school, and domestic relationships as well as things that are of interest to other wemon,because those things are interest to me. I never had a problem relating to men, I like men and it didn't take me very long to figure out what they are all about. You seem to be under the impression that we are men, trying to learn how to live as wemon. Aside from the afore mentioned child birth and menstration I don't see myself as any different than any other woman..except for the plumbing. I know gg's who have a hard time relating to wemon, and who can't seem to hold onto a relationship to save their lives.

[Fab Karen]

I miss the boy sometimes, as he could make friends really easily and did not have to censure himself all the time. When meeting new people, I constantly get these weird looks when I veer into subjects that are not girly enough, or when I know more about any subject than a guy I am talking to.

"not girly enough"? You're hanging around small-minded people.
Just like when someone close to you dies, you have to get to accepting that the past is gone. You've tried to be friends, but now you have to let go & forgive yourself. Regardless of being TG, life has its changes.
Also the greatest thing in life to realize is that another person can't GIVE us happiness. That comes from inside.

[Chickhe]

What you need to do is drop it. Take satisfaction from what was, no one can change what you enjoyed and there is nothing wrong with remembering the good times. But, don't act on it... stop making contact. That relationship is done. Consider also that you are imposing on the other person by reminding them of something that they may not enjoy remembering (a failed relationship) on their birthday... it is not you... I'm sure they remember the good times too there is no value in expending energy on a relationship that is over though.

[Daenna Paz]

[QUOTE=Frances;2217961] I hate that I broke her heart for choosing transition over suicide.
[QUOTE] I was looking for a mirror with this thread not a judge.

These two quotes stand out to me in this thread. I don't think you can move forward effectively until you forgive yourself for your choice ... and what a choice ...

Secondly, why do we put a mirror to our face unless to evaluate, adjudicate, look to improve the image we see??
I don't see a lot of judgementalism in the comments here ...

Celebrate who you are, your uniqueness ... there are many out there capable of appreciating that ... ;^)

[Frances]

What you need to do is drop it. Take satisfaction from what was, no one can change what you enjoyed and there is nothing wrong with remembering the good times. But, don't act on it... stop making contact. That relationship is done. Consider also that you are imposing on the other person by reminding them of something that they may not enjoy remembering (a failed relationship) on their birthday... it is not you... I'm sure they remember the good times too there is no value in expending energy on a relationship that is over though.

So true. I guess I have not moved on myself. Even my therapist does not want me to contact her.

But the weird thing is that she is Facebook friends with two of my oldest friends and my aunt!

[Frances]

[QUOTE=Frances;2217961] I hate that I broke her heart for choosing transition over suicide.
[QUOTE] I was looking for a mirror with this thread not a judge.

These two quotes stand out to me in this thread. I don't think you can move forward effectively until you forgive yourself for your choice ... and what a choice ...

Secondly, why do we put a mirror to our face unless to evaluate, adjudicate, look to improve the image we see??
I don't see a lot of judgementalism in the comments here ...

Celebrate who you are, your uniqueness ... there are many out there capable of appreciating that ... ;^)


I only saw judging in one post. A mirror effect would be someone relating their story that would be similar in a way that I could find some clue on how to get out of my funk and move on, which is how therapy groups work.

Judging is "this is what you doing wrong based on my projections and this is what you should be doing."

[7sisters]

Hi Frances. This is my unique belief: that every life we are scheduled to meet certain people. They teach us about ourselves and we teach them about them. When we've learnt enough, it's time to move on.. so the relationship fades. If a realtionship gets over that means that we have learnt from that person and it is time to go on to others. Bless your ex. And then let her go with all your heart and all your love.

[Pattie O]

Dear Frances,
Life never seems to be fair but it sure can be exciting,interesting,fun,exhilarating,depressing,u plifting,romantic,educational,emotional and down right confusing.Try to be positive in most things you do(as you obviously have already done) Memories will always be there and just find solace in the wonderful times you have had. I'm sure there will be many more.