Feeling trapped

[Pattie O]

I have spent most of today researching information about SRS and am finding that the more I learn the more I feel like this is the way it should be for me.I am scared of feeling this way because I am married with 2 children and I am a closetted transgender person.My wife knows that I crossdress (or "like playing dress up") as she refers and is not approving but she seems to ignore my situation.I am staring to feel that I would like to spend my life as a woman.The road ahead seems daunting but I am starting to feel very frustrated as a man and feel trapped inside this body.I would appreciate some advice about this from anyone who can help.
Pattie:daydreaming::battingeyelashes:

[Helena Jade]

Dear Patti
I can sympathise with you and how you feel. I am married with 3 children and have spent my whole life from a young age trying to live in a mans body when all within me screams out your a woman. My feelings, my thoughts, my desires all cry out as a woman. I have gone through total turmoil. I have spent much of my life desiring to be a woman, my wife knowing part of my life (and hating it). I went through a period of taking female homrones and seeing the results coming on rapidly as did my wife, though she did not know or suspect that I was on hormone treatment.
I spend virtually every day in turmoil, I am torn to pieces by it, trying to live as a man when you know that everything within you is woman, even your whole being. I have fought it, throwing away all my female clothes so many times I have lost count. I have thought I cannot do this to my wife and children, whom I love beyond measure and yet I am torn apart, with it seems each day getting harder to live with.
What do we do? The options are few. We can carry on as we are, being emotionally destroyed or we can take the plunge, tell all, see the doctor, get hormones prescribed and start our course, with the end view being to have SRS and then live our lives as we truly see we must. Can I? yes and no. Who knows what tomorrow will bring and will I be bold and strong and go and do what for me seems like the only option or will I carry on as I am?
Only we can know what we must do.

I wish you wisdom and guidance in this matter.

Helena Jade:sigh:

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Pattie...:hugs: --I so get where you are..

5 years ago .....married, 2 kids, corporate job..early 40's, and it just came over me...trapped/helpless/depressed etcetc..

I talked to my wife, we divorced, i got into therapy, i met as many transgendered people as possible, and once i accepted my fate (heh), i never looked back.

i did lose my job but i was uniquely employed and i still have some money and looking for a new career...otherwise my divorce was "friendly" and my kids are doing great....

there is hope..it doesnt mean you have to transition, or even that you should...but i am saying that you can day by day attack this terrible feeling ...and if you head down a transition path, you'll find that all the things you think are impossible simply aren't (they're really really hard, but not impossible)

i've posted this article many times, but for middle age ts women and those wondering i found this article devastating and informative..

http://www.avitale.com/developmentalreview.htm

i found that i was reading my life story and the good part was that I stopped disbelieving the inner thinking in my head that was killing me day by day..i realized that i was just like other women that got stuck growing up as very confused guys

Once I realized that this was real, and that i wasnt alone and i wasnt crazy, i looked at it just like any problem and worked on what to do about it..

The most constructive thing you can do day by day is to shorten your thinking to day at a time..what can you do today? thinking about the future is good for planning but in our cases, too much of it tends to just make everything seem impossible

[CharleneT]

Kaitlyn's post if full of great advice :D that link is a very good one. A bit sciencey but it does give a good structure to help a person think about these things.

That feeling of being completely alone inside a malfunctioning body can lead to a lot of depression - try and be mindful of that. It is good that your wife knows about some ... better if she knows more as you go along. You might consider trying to find a support group in your area, a place where you can discuss things in person. Here, of course, we'll give all the support we can ;) A therapist is a good idea too, at least at first, they may be able to help you sort out just who and how you want to be.

:hugs:

[thechic]

HI there

Im in the same boat as you i have 3 kids and married, have wanted to be a woman ever since i can remeber but now the urge is just to strong for me to handle,i started wereing makup and waring woman's clothing mainly jens and tees 24/7. so have half the family and friends know about me , started seing a Gender therapist and this has helped.
I suggest seeing a therapist this my help sort of, Its just to hard to handle by your self.

[carolinoakland]

Well pattie, you've come to the right place. And therapy is the right place to go. Just be honest with you answers. it's not a test, you have to be you...I am a single parent, and I didn't transition until AFTER she was out of the house. Now that I've transitioned my realtionship with my child is light years better. We talk, we laugh, we have a great time just hanging out together. She is the reason I am alive today, this I know.
I will say this to all parents, as you well know... you can hate EVERYTHING about your child BUT... nothing ever changes the fact that they are you're child and you love them no matter what, unconditionally. So why would you ever doubt that you could EVER do anything that would make your child stop loving you? You could never stop loving them could you? be slow, and never throw caution to the wind when dealing with peoples emotions. carol

[CharleneT]

Well said.



. . . and never throw caution to the wind when dealing with peoples emotions. carol

I think these are words to live by, when dealing with all people !

[Miss Misery]

A RPCV (returned peace corps volunteer) said this to me a few years ago when I was picking his brain about doing 2 yrs in the Peace Corps myself - "Is this something that you would regret not doing when you're at the end of your life?" That does help you evaluate how important something is to you. Notice, he didn't say, "If you will regret it then join up now." It was more like, if it's that important then put together a plan to make it happen in this lifetime. You only get one time 'round - I believe. These life altering decisions are still very difficult to make, often because they involve other people important to us. But I applaud those who've been able to push off from the safety of the shoreline and sail off to new unexplored places. They might not have a perfect life, but it will be a life well lived!

Good luck with your decision. May it become clearer and easier over time.

[Pattie O]

Dear Kaitlyn,

I have just finished reading the article you recommended and I am definitely in the G3 group and yes I feel trapped but as you say it may be better to treat every day as a new day and not look too far into the future.I look forward to continuing to love my family with all my heart and soul and if eventually that means I have to transition then I suppose that day will arrive as sure as death itself.I can see myself just experiencing the joys of dressing and may be going to a meeting or ball as part of my journey before I make any dramatic decisions.I believe that the hormone therapy may reduce the anxiety I feel at the moment but I need to seek advice from doctors and psychologists first.Thank you all for your replies.I at least know that there are others out there who understand where I am coming from!(and that feels comforting).Pattie:daydreaming::battingeyelashes:

[JoAnne Wheeler]

I have just experience the loss of my spouse, my marriage of 39 years, my home, my possessions, my law-partnership, my office and a lot of my so-called friends because I am Transitioning. It took me 65 years to realize that my longing to be the real person inside was never going to go away. I realized that if I did not start to Transition, that I would no longer be able to live with myself. Is this a hard thing to do - you bet ! But I think that every person on this web site will tell you that the thoughts that you are having will NEVER, EVER go away. They will haunt you day and night. They never stop.
Transitioning has cost me everything - but if I had it to do over, I would do the same thing. My only regret is that I did not do it when I was younger.

JoAnne Wheeler

[Katesback]

It would appear you could benefit from talking with a therapist about your feelings. Perhaps you will find a resolution to your conflicts.

Katie

[Danni Bear]

Patty,
I know exactly how you feel. You wonder and then wonder some more. Please read my post in the cd forum (scariest!!! happiest day) it might help to see how it might all turn out for you too.
It is frightening how much needing or wanting to be female is. A good therapist is essential for your health mental and otherwise.

may the sun shine on you
:hugs:
Danni Beard
once cd
but now
loving wife
Sept.13,2010

[Lori_Anne]

I have spent most of today researching information about SRS and am finding that the more I learn the more I feel like this is the way it should be for me.I am scared of feeling this way because I am married with 2 children and I am a closetted transgender person.My wife knows that I crossdress (or "like playing dress up") as she refers and is not approving but she seems to ignore my situation.I am staring to feel that I would like to spend my life as a woman.The road ahead seems daunting but I am starting to feel very frustrated as a man and feel trapped inside this body.I would appreciate some advice about this from anyone who can help.
Pattie:daydreaming::battingeyelashes:

Pattie,
Hun I'll give it to bold and strieght from the way I see it. You have already answerd your own question! The fact that you have came this far and ask the question. When the bell go's off and the gate fly's open the thourough bread race horse runs! Because thats what he was born to do he does not question it he just run's. Just my :2c:

I wish you all the best hun and wolcome to the sisterhood :hugs:
Lori

[Chickhe]

Sounds familiar. I decided to endulge myself (still privately), but I just 'do it' knowing myself that it is just me and accepting myself, but I tried to answer all my questions by going out in public and testing the waters. I now know, my strong desires in the past were related to needing to do something I thought I could not do... now that I let myself experiment and if I get asked about it going to try to be honest (it was something I just had to try). There is no one answer, but if you let some of your female side out for all to see and just say so what?... you feel better. You can still be all the things you want and need to be for your kids, wife etc, without dumping it all to become female... at least that's what I think. ...it may be different for some who know they are TS, myself, I think I am a cross between CDing and some tendency to being TS (I think I could live as either male or female, but I'm happy with where I am now).

[Inna]

Disconnect, a driving force in our condition which defines our struggle. Possessing female brain within male body creates unbelievable set of confusing and depressive circumstances. Qualities of feminine self are in direct conflict with that of masculine character and so a disconnect arises provoking self destructive tendencies. In fact I am amazed by the strength we have to live a life of pretend for as long as we do.

Most important aspect in healing such condition is an assimilation of ones body to self image. Weather it invokes expression, internal balance, we need to head toward healing the rift between self and body image. For those who are still in stealth such actions must be subtle.
Starting HRT doesn't need to be followed by an announcement nor does the regimen invoke a drastic and obvious changes. Those changes occur very slowly over long periods of time, not entirely noticeable to those around you. However, hormonal changes within the body and psyche will allow an individual to feel more in touch and then those changes occurring in the body will definitely set her that much closer to the intended image.

The fact of taking a step towards self healing is more important then any reason keeping one self stuck in the present without an alternative. The reason we do what we do are usually others whom we love immensely. But they need us just the same, whole, loving, healthy and happy.

[Pattie O]

I would like to thank everyone for their comments.I am seeing a psychologist this week and I am not sure where this will lead but I only hope to more clarity in my life and allow me to move forward.I am still desperate to "step out" but I know that my winding road seems to have many hairpins and go slow signs.

[Stephenie S]

Please, please, please, stop trying to "understand" this issue. It's not one that lends itself to understanding. What you need to bring to bear here is acceptance. Accept who you are and move onward. Someone (I think JoAnne) has already told you it will NEVER go away. She's right, it won't. You have a choice to make. Live the rest of your life as you know you should, or live the rest of your life in turmoil. There is no right or wrong way to do it. It's not a test.

Trying to "understand" something is a typical "MALE" trait. Relax. Try to accept. Understanding may come, but may not. Waiting until you understand it may waste the whole rest of your life.

Stephie

[Starling]

The article by Anne Vitale is so effing empowering! It gave me a little peace just to read it. A little peace. Thank you, Kaitlyn, for posting the link.

:) Lallie

[Sharon michelle]

I think finding the right therapist is really really important. As for me, I have to delay things as long as I can and I'm hoping that therapy can keep me from going completely bonkers. It is getting harder.