Is This Really Dumb?

[CallMeMeg]

My son is having his bar mitzvah next Saturday (and you're all invited, of course!) and we'll have a lot of family and friends coming in from out of town. I haven't seen many of these people in quite a while.

Most conversations will include "so what have you been up to?" somewhere.

It bothers me that the things that are the most interesting to me (mainly, "flying pretty") I can't talk about.

I'm thinking of trying to observe each of the visitors I'm chatting with critically and objectively and decide if they'd handle it well, and handle it quietly. I know my wife wouldn't want me to spread the word about Meg, whether I want to or not.

I probably won't say anything while they're here, but I'm thinking of doing one of two things:

1. (dumb) mention I did a past life regression but "it's a long story and I'll send an e-mail". Then send an e-mail version of this blog post (http://youcancallmemeg.blogspot.com/2010/06/but-i-digress.html) with a kicker (basically, adding "surprise!" at the end). I did this with a gg friend and it worked well. This would be men and women. I think my oldest (male) friend would handle it well. But he also e-mails my wife a bit.

2. (really dumb) say "I'll send you a link to my blog (http://youcancallmemeg.blogspot.com)." It explains a lot, but it's probably Too Much Information for civilians. I think there's a line between "I go out dressed as a girl" and "let's talk breastforms".

But I'm thinking of #2 and rejecting it solely because I still don't want my wife to know.

Any suggestions? Saying "yes this is pretty dumb" is kind of expected. But I'm thinking of doing it anyway. I am SO tired of hiding.

[docrobbysherry]

Unless you're ready for EVERYONE to know!

Think THAT over carefully! Then, do what works BEST for u!:thumbsup:

[kellycan27]

Why not just let your son have his day? You can do your thing anytime. :)

[Fab Karen]

Why not just let your son have his day? You can do your thing anytime. :)
What Kelly said. If you're doing that ritual it shouldn't be "today he becomes a man- and btw, I became a woman-sorta"
It'd also probably be the quickest route to divorce.

[S. Lisa Smith]

Why not just let your son have his day? You can do your thing anytime. :)

I agree whole heartedly!!! Hope he continues his studies...Mazel Tov!

[Tamara Croft]

My son is having his bar mitzvah next Saturday I don't think you are being dumb, but I do feel you are being a tad selfish, sorry, but you are, this is his day, not your day to talk about yourself, let him have HIS day, this isn't about you is it?

[sissystephanie]

The Bar Mizsvah is your son's day, not yours! As has been said, let him have his day and do your thing at a later date. You already know it is going to upset some people, so get it as far away from your son's day as possible!

[CallMeMeg]

I have to write in the morning. Evenings, I think my brain goes to sleep before my fingers do.

In response to "what have you been up to" all I'll say is (1) "I did a past-life thing ~ I'll send you an e-mail about it" or (2) "it's a long story. Check out my blog. I'll send you a link."

I hadn't thought about it interfering with his day. Excellent point, and I thank you.

[Stephenie S]

Don't do either.

This day of celebration is not YOUR day.

When asked how you are and what you've been up to say, "I'm fine, nothing new. How are you?"

That's all.

When you want to "come out" do it another day and DO IT IN PERSON. No emails and no blogs. Your friends and relations deserve the respect of a face to face explanation INDIVIDUALLY. Anything else would be selfish and impolite.

Stephie

[sandra-leigh]

Though you could still take mental notes about whom you feel might be receptive (when, that is, you are not focused on your son).

If you are considering telling someone, you are probably going to be wanting to evaluate them over several meetings; this could be one of those. For example, you will, in part, rediscover whom you feel "close to" -- and it won't necessarily be whom you expect, so be careful!

For example, I have a cousin the same age as me whom I was close to when I was young, but then for family reasons I didn't see her again for 30-ish years, and was just left with the vague impression that I liked her. I saw her again at a family reunion, and got a chance to visit her whom a few months later, and again felt quite close to her, and had the feeling that she was someone I could talk to about my cross-dressing. We exchanged email addresses... but it turned out the messages she mostly sent me were chain-letter religious type messages. Her religious emphasis made me uncomfortable, so I have ended up not sharing anything much about my life with her. :sad:

Logic about whom to tell isn't enough, but feelings about whom to tell have to be tempered by logic.

[Inna]

You have a need to come out! You are basically telling us that the time has come and you feel this is going to be necessary. But since you have put this discussion forth you feel uneasy about the form of approach to the reveal. You are ready to suffer the consequence because this secret is eating you alive from inside out. You are ready for ridicule, abandonment, to be cast aside, divorced, and yet the overwhelming feeling of things to be set free is stronger than any reason.
It is your soul screaming, let me out. I know, I have been there. One day will not make any difference in your life, but potentially may make tremendous difference in your son's. Think about Meg what would she do in this hour of reckoning. I am sure she loves her baby much, and she will do anything to protect him. There shall be time to be free, it might be tomorrow or day after or yet another day. Listen to your soul and the path shall be given but don't reason for reason is blind.

Love

[AKAMichelle]

I know what you mean about not wanting to hide. I was talking with some women the other day that I couldn't tell about Michelle about a GNO in Seattle. Oh how I wanted to tell them and more importantly show up as Michelle.

As for telling others at the party or shortly thereafter. That is a very bad idea. Anything you do to betray your wife keeping this secret will turn out badly. She may feel embarrassed by your cd'ing and she doesn't want to have everyone know. So you may hurt your wife and I think you should avoid anything which could hurt her. What is more important?

1) Telling others and most likely hurting your wife
2) Or not telling anyone and protecting your wife.

I would choose #2 definitely in your case. :2c:

[Rachel Morley]

I wouldn't :worried: :2c:

[Persephone]

I have to agree with the others, Meg. Much as I understand your desire to come out of hiding, your son's Bar Mitzvah should be his day.

But if you do decide to come out to family at another time, perhaps you should plan on having your own Bat Mitzvah? Lots of women who didn't become Bat Mitzvah when they were younger celebrate them later in life.

Hugs and a great Shabbat,
Persephone.

[Sarah Doepner]

I agree with the others in saying it's a day for your son to remember fondly, so wait.

If you really believe you need to come out to these people this is a good chance to decide if it's everyone who is ready or just some who will be supportive. Take the time to make your mental notes and and take your time before you eventually share this.

[sterling12]

Yes, remember "Mitzvah" means Blessing....so, let The Day be a Blessing for your Son and Family. If you do anything different, they will blame you for upsetting The Occasion.

Are you a "Practicing Jew?" In Scientology Circles, Past Life Regressions are De Riguer'. Among Jewish Folks, I would guess they might consider it Nutty, or Sacrilegious. So, I don't imagine that would be a good option for explaining your Transgendered Life.

When you get a Chance, and you want to start up "The Truth Squad," I'd just tell them that you always admired all of The Princess' at Temple, and now you want to emulate them. That will put them so far back on their Heels you can then gain The Upper Hand, while their reeling from that bit of News! (LOL)

You have my sympathy, you have a double whammy to deal with. Good Luck!

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Mirani]

Firstly I agree with the "Don't do anything" vote.

I understand the urge to open up - but not now. And of course you will be telling a lie. You haven't had a past life regression.

And the "What have you been doing .. " question is a bit like "How are you?"
People don't really want an in-depth answer.
If you have changed jobs, say so. If you haven't, say so.
Then turn the question around so you aren't talking about yourself and tempted to lie.
Honour your wife. Honour your son.
Swallow the pain of internalising your femme side and don't be so selfish.

[Claire Cook]

I hadn't thought about it interfering with his day. Excellent point, and I thank you.

Meg,

As others have said, this IS the point. You have the rest of your life to come out, in whatever manner you choose.

[LizaPond]

I agree with everyone else this is not the time. "Coming out" is something you need to prepare and don't just throw it on the table hoping everyone will accept it.
Explaining to others you like to dress is something nobody will understand. Telling them your gay or you want to have surgery is something they can grasp. Dressing isn't that. It's something you like to do but no matter who you tell, they will never understand it.
Keep this to yourself and enjoy the pleasures you get from it. Don't bring others into it you'll only regret you did----I swear !!!
Liza

[Mistybtm]

Why not just let your son have his day? You can do your thing anytime. :)
I agree here :2c:

[Gerrijerry]

I agree with most of the girls. That is not your day. If you want to come out then do it after your son has his day. I also think that if your wife is telling you no then you may be starting a fight that will end at best with hurting her. being a crossdresser is not giving you the right to hurt others.

[carhill2mn]

Using the given choices I would vote for "dumb" at this time.

[Sometimes Steffi]

Meg

Yes, really dumb.

Does your son know about Meg?

Do you want him to find out from someone else?

Do you want him to remember his Bar Mitzvah as the day he found out his dad was a CD?

My wife would be VERY unhappy with me if I outed myself to all of may relatives and hers, especially on such an important day.

I understand the desire to talk about it, but I think you should have a better plan. This is not the time or the place

Steffi

[Nikki A.]

It is his day, say nothing. I know of a person who decided to annonce that she was a lesbian at her daughter's bas mitsva and it created hard feeling all around. Save this for another time and let him enjoy his special day.

[CallMeMeg]

I asked you what I should do.

Do you guys ever feel like you're in a cage, and someone left the door open and you can leave or you can stay and you stay because it feels safer?

I do.

[janelle]

I don't think its dumb at all, what I do think is it is bad timing. Let your son have his day. Let it be about him. That is 1 reason I did not go to cousins wedding, it was there day.

After its all over email, call or get together with those u trust & tell them, it may just go better than you think But I would put money down if you did it on your son's day YOU would a total flop:2c:.

Good luck & congrates to your son.

Hugs...................................Janelle

[Frédérique]

It bothers me that the things that are the most interesting to me (mainly, "flying pretty") I can't talk about. I am SO tired of hiding.

It amuses me that the things that are most interesting to ME are not subjects for conversation in mixed company. I accept that, but I need to say that it’s wonderful to have a place like this where these precious feelings and their attendant influence on daily life can be discussed openly (within the constraints of the board, I mean). As such, I don’t feel I’m hiding. I mean, I am, for reasons of survival and personal well-being, but knowing there are many others who emerge a little from their self-exile and join in on the discussions is heartwarming, to say the least…:)

I can’t talk about the beautiful world of ART to most people, either. I don’t think it requires a certain level of education, even though that may be the consensus, but I sense a certain lack of willingness to talk about any subject that has to do with human feelings – in this case using all of the senses and simply enjoying being human. I also understand that touch-sensitive subjects cross the line for most Americans, at least during these times, and any sensitivity borders on perversion and weakness. It’s too bad, because we could be talking about GOOD things. A conversation about the desire to crossdress is beyond the pale for ordinary citizens, so we continue to hide in plain sight. Out of sight, out of mind, hence the public aversion to perversion (in their eyes)…:sad: