Lorileah
08-02-2010, 11:32 AM
Yes, I can see now just how extremely lucky I was. I will credit mostly luck just like in any gamble. I usually hate to make far flung analogies (yeah right...I am as bad as Dr Phil with homespun corn) but my life has been very similar to a poker tournament. There is luck involved. And sometimes blind luck, which I had in my case. I had a woman who didn't follow the drums of the rest of the world.
I don't ever remember just stating "I am a crossdresser" in my life. I remember subtle hints and innuendos. I remember looking longingly at shoes and dresses and skirts and yes, forgive me, underwear. My wife was not bothered by this. I guess she knew before I did because she would say things about "would I like to have that?" or "what do you think of that girl's outfit?" It was natural to us. Over 33 years it wasn't Shrek and Fiona. It was Alfalfa and Darla (google it all you under 40). We didn't place our restrictions on one another.
Over the years I had in my "very visible stash" skirts she had given me, blouses, a pair of shoes, various pieces of makeup. It was my decision to hide thinking that is what guys do. I mean how could I be a good husband if I was prancing around? She never said anything to that effect. The worst thing I ever heard her say about my liking female attire was "I can't believe you would want to wear that, it is so uncomfortable. But if that is what you want, go for it". So from basically early in our relationship she "knew". We talked about guys in drag and guys who were more "effeminate". I knew her feeling s on all this before we got married. And, in the back of my mind, even though I was scared about what I felt, I knew I was safe with her. There were times when I was stressed where she said "go throw on your skirt and come and relax." I would laugh and go off and stress about why did I need to do that...what was wrong with me. But she didn't see anything wrong with it. One rule, just one rule the whole time "Don't embarrass me". That was it. No Sundays only, no only when I am gone.
So as you can see my perspective is skewed to the come out early side. 33 years and cancer took her. Not my dressing, not my myriad of stupid pet tricks. But the main thing is we knew before we made a commitment what would be and what wouldn't be. We discussed things that were important to us and me being transgendered (although we didn't have that word back then...I was "different") was one of those and we never argued over that. We rarely argued at all really. Because best friends may disagree but they always forgive.
After recent threads I felt the need to explain why I say what I do. I came out early, before we had huge investments in that fairytale castle. If she had not accepted me, then I would have felt bad and we both would have moved on. We would have probably remained friends until our lives diverged more. I may have never found another but I doubt that is true because you see, since then I seem to attract the same type of person. Maybe that is luck also. Maybe I just hang out with people who don't seem to mind the outter look as much as they like the inner being. And I tell them about Lori early. No one has ever said they hated me or walked away even if becoming intimate was not in the cards. I won't say that Lori isn't intimate, "she" is always a part of that. But that is MY mental state, who I am inside. In my mind so to speak...it is not foist upon the partner but can be part of the game. (once again debunking that crossdressing is always a sexual fetish). I know it is beyond that time for most people here, The boat sailed, the train departed and now you have to play the cards you have. But play them slow. Go for the little wins not the grand pot right away. You will lose some and you may feel you are going down to nothing , but time and patience especially when you have been working at it for a long time is better than the rush to glory.
Getting back to the poker analogy. You can fold and fold and keep folding when you are not positive you have a good hand. You have to read the odds and sometimes bet on them. You make small pots over time and rise in the tournament. But if you decide you are going all in after playing for hours and building a huge chip stack, realize that every hand can be beat. When you go all in you have to know that your pocket aces can be busted by three 2's. So be careful when you think you should push all in...maybe it would be better to just call and raise the next hand. But you should not throw in aces, just play them smart. Long way around saying that you know your partner, you know if you go all in and she hates men in dresses, expect to lose that hand. The bigger the chip stack the bigger the fall.
I don't ever remember just stating "I am a crossdresser" in my life. I remember subtle hints and innuendos. I remember looking longingly at shoes and dresses and skirts and yes, forgive me, underwear. My wife was not bothered by this. I guess she knew before I did because she would say things about "would I like to have that?" or "what do you think of that girl's outfit?" It was natural to us. Over 33 years it wasn't Shrek and Fiona. It was Alfalfa and Darla (google it all you under 40). We didn't place our restrictions on one another.
Over the years I had in my "very visible stash" skirts she had given me, blouses, a pair of shoes, various pieces of makeup. It was my decision to hide thinking that is what guys do. I mean how could I be a good husband if I was prancing around? She never said anything to that effect. The worst thing I ever heard her say about my liking female attire was "I can't believe you would want to wear that, it is so uncomfortable. But if that is what you want, go for it". So from basically early in our relationship she "knew". We talked about guys in drag and guys who were more "effeminate". I knew her feeling s on all this before we got married. And, in the back of my mind, even though I was scared about what I felt, I knew I was safe with her. There were times when I was stressed where she said "go throw on your skirt and come and relax." I would laugh and go off and stress about why did I need to do that...what was wrong with me. But she didn't see anything wrong with it. One rule, just one rule the whole time "Don't embarrass me". That was it. No Sundays only, no only when I am gone.
So as you can see my perspective is skewed to the come out early side. 33 years and cancer took her. Not my dressing, not my myriad of stupid pet tricks. But the main thing is we knew before we made a commitment what would be and what wouldn't be. We discussed things that were important to us and me being transgendered (although we didn't have that word back then...I was "different") was one of those and we never argued over that. We rarely argued at all really. Because best friends may disagree but they always forgive.
After recent threads I felt the need to explain why I say what I do. I came out early, before we had huge investments in that fairytale castle. If she had not accepted me, then I would have felt bad and we both would have moved on. We would have probably remained friends until our lives diverged more. I may have never found another but I doubt that is true because you see, since then I seem to attract the same type of person. Maybe that is luck also. Maybe I just hang out with people who don't seem to mind the outter look as much as they like the inner being. And I tell them about Lori early. No one has ever said they hated me or walked away even if becoming intimate was not in the cards. I won't say that Lori isn't intimate, "she" is always a part of that. But that is MY mental state, who I am inside. In my mind so to speak...it is not foist upon the partner but can be part of the game. (once again debunking that crossdressing is always a sexual fetish). I know it is beyond that time for most people here, The boat sailed, the train departed and now you have to play the cards you have. But play them slow. Go for the little wins not the grand pot right away. You will lose some and you may feel you are going down to nothing , but time and patience especially when you have been working at it for a long time is better than the rush to glory.
Getting back to the poker analogy. You can fold and fold and keep folding when you are not positive you have a good hand. You have to read the odds and sometimes bet on them. You make small pots over time and rise in the tournament. But if you decide you are going all in after playing for hours and building a huge chip stack, realize that every hand can be beat. When you go all in you have to know that your pocket aces can be busted by three 2's. So be careful when you think you should push all in...maybe it would be better to just call and raise the next hand. But you should not throw in aces, just play them smart. Long way around saying that you know your partner, you know if you go all in and she hates men in dresses, expect to lose that hand. The bigger the chip stack the bigger the fall.