Am I choking in the pink fog?

[rocketscientist]

I just recently started asking myself some hard questions about my life and TG. Where am I going with all this? I am not out to anybody in this world. Sure, there might be a few who suspect, but I've never confirmed it to anyone. Every day now is similar to the one before. Me trying to hide my "secret" while at the same time trying to express my" secret", if only to myself. I am always trying to balance my femme needs with the rest of my life. Lately, SHE has taken over. I used to live more for my male side, now I notice there has been a shift in the balance to my feminine side. I do more things now that nurture HER. I am on a pretty strict diet, I am working out 4-5 times a week, I go to the beach whenever I can to work on my tan, and I can't stop buying clothes and shoes. My actual closet( not the metaphoric one) is overflowing with all kinds of cute and sexy femme stuff. Somebody will probably find me dead under an avalanche of shoes! I used to be able to keep everything out of sight behind that door, now if anyone just walks into my bedroom, they'll see femme items all over. I really am not ready to come out for various personal and professional reasons, but I can't help myself anymore, Tonya has taken control and demands more for herself. Have any of you been down this road before? I'm sure there are lots of you out there. Hugs, Tonya

[Persephone]

Yep! Used to be very careful and deliberate in living my "secret" life. Ain't so any more!

There are still a few folks I'm not out to yet, and I'd like to keep it that way, but my clothing has spilled out all over the house and I find myself getting invitations to sign up for credit cards and to join organizations in my femme name.

As a matter of fact, it is almost time for me to look into Medicare and I find that I'm getting as many ads from medical insurance companies as "he" is -- now how the heck did that happen?

[Imogen_Mann]

I was headed in that same direction a year or two back, but have managed to bring myself back in hand (so to speak). I know for a simple true fact, if I had remained single I would have been locking my bedroom door by now to stop uninvited eyes when guests decide to wander about like they own the place, I'd weigh a lot less and be smooth every day and my avalanche ? I'd be dead under a landslide of cosmetics.

I can only assume, from your comments that you need to remain closeted for now, so what can you do ? All I can think of is reduce your wardrobe (not a purge) carefully so it can stay out of sight, and try to accept that the pink fog is probably a fact of life now. No one's going to think you're working out to stay trim and drop a dress size, they'll all think you're trying to stay healthy, no need to worry there, and hey... A tan looks nice on anyone.

As life moves on, maybe you will be able to work around the professional and personal reasons that you say keep you in the closet. The passage of time can be a good thing.

Or.... You could just come out... But HOW scary is that ? Too scary for me !

[Kate Simmons]

CDing is a process and like any process needs to be controlled. Left on it's own it can become chaotic. The only way to control it is to make it a choice rather than let it be a compulsion. That puts you in the driver's seat and holding the reins.:)

[Danni Bear]

pink fog

sink or swim it's here to stay

hun, do be the very best you can be wherever it leads you

love
Danni:hugs:

[renee k]

CDing is a process and like any process needs to be controlled. Left on it's own it can become chaotic. The only way to control it is to make it a choice rather than let it be a compulsion. That puts you in the driver's seat and holding the reins.:)

I agree with Denise, it's a slippery slope, and you need to ground yourself. Take a step back and look at it objectively. Let it be a part of your life rather than it becoming your life.

Renee

[carrie-ann]

I guess where do you want to go with it. Only you know how far that is. You need to weigh all the advantages and disadvantages to both sides carefully. Depending on where you go with it you will have losses and gains. So go through all the great post in this forum and see what other members has gone through. This will give you a base line on there experiences. Then you have to make your own judgments from there. Good luck.

[KayleeDahl]

Hi,
I think I know exactly how you feel. Its something that I have been wrestling with as well. Where to draw the line, what I expect the rest of my life to look like, etc.

I am sorry that I don't have any answers for you, I haven't figured it all out for myself yet. I guess like others have said, the important thing is that it is something that you want, not a compulsion, but a journey to finding out who you are both internally and externally.

Hugs!
Kaylee

[kimdl93]

I hope you see Tonya as part of who you are, rather than as an alternate being...that idea always scares me a bit. Is Tonya taking over, or are you letting your fem side free because you are growing more at ease with that part of yourself. If its the former...might want to see a shrink. If its the latter, you may want to think about how far you are comfortable exposing this aspect to others, and adjust your life accordingly. Its all really a choice...unless you let it become a compulsion.

[Debb]

It's kind of a panicky feeling, isn't it? I've been there, too. It feels like one "side" is taking over, and not under control. It's scary.

Like Denise says, gaining control is needed. The way each of us goes about it may be different, but allowing ourselves to be in control is the goal.

For me, it's been a mission to become more accepting of myself, and of others. Each one of us has prejudices that affect us to smaller or greater degrees, and learning to step back and think, to try to accept, differences in others has been really helpful in my mission to accept myself.

I think when we're less focused on ourselves, we can allow ourselves to be less panicky, and more in control.

Anyways, it's worked for me. I still have a heckuva lot of clothes and makeup, but I'm out to my wife, so I can relax just a bit. My friends have most likely figured it out, but I'm not gonna worry about it anymore, it's just not worth it.

[Christy_M]

for the last month or so, I feel I haven't been able to control myself. I had suppressed this for quite some time and now Christy is back with a vengeance. The back of my truck is loaded with shoes, dresses, forms, et al. I started seeing a shrink to see what can be done to level this off again so it isn't so compulsive. She thinks one of the first issues is acceptance. I am not out to anyone, either but somehow, I have to tell my wife and i guess she will or won't accept it but I think I am actually well on my way to accepting it myself.

[Sarah Doepner]

It's hardest to figure out exactly what it all means. Is it the feminine taking over or the male giving up? Is it really out of your control or something that feels so right you don't want to slow it down? Are you more afraid of where it's taking you or how others will react if you share it with them?

It's hard to even identify the right question, but I think we can agree Pink Fog can have an impact on your decision making that turns it to focus 99% on what helps you experience the feminine, not necessarily what it takes to survive. It is not status quo. It can be a formidible mistress if you follow it without question, but a wonderful companion if you find a way to negotiate a truce.

Good luck.

[Andromeda]

You will not be the first person to have this happen. If Tonya is leading you to places that you do not want or can not go then perhaps you should try some counseling to help you get better control of the situation.

[victoriamwilliams1]

I was on that same path and as of late I had to stop myself because I ran out of space in my storage area and if I would have kept going I would have to come out. I own more clothes and shoes as Victoria than the guy me!

So I think it is normal for us plus we have to stay in style:)

[Heidi_slave]

I just love the expression "pink fog" because it describes the feeling exactly. There are times when I, often quite suddenly, feel an overwhelming desire (I'm not shy about calling it a "compulsion") to dress. In that state I am unable to focus on anything, and can't take my mind off of how good it's going to fell when I succumb to The Urge. This thread really struck a chord with me.

One thing that most of us seem to agree upon is that it never goes away, and that the desire gets stronger when we try to suppress it. I purged some time ago, and the result was like a slow emotional tidal wave of desire and arousal. After a while, giving in seemed like SUCH A GOOD IDEA. It's a crazy state to experience, but NOT buying panties took more physical effort than I could muster. Yikes!

There was a time, about two years ago, when I lived alone and could dress whenever I wanted. I was between relationships and suddenly didn't have the circumstantial constraints of having to hide my activities. Living on my own, I found that Heidi sort of TOOK OVER. It was crazy, enticing, addictive and wonderful...and I didn't know where it was going. I know the ambivolence that is described by others in this thread. My life was becoming an erotically supercharged secret that I couldn't share with others, and day-to-day life took a lot of additional effort to manage. I kind of wanted it to stop, or at least to moderate it from red-hot to a dull glow, but I couldn't. The sensation of succumbing to The Urge was too strong. The experience was inded a bit scary. Wonderful and scary. Scary and wonderful.

The tale ended without drama. The moderating influence is a wonderful GG with whom I now live. Heidi remains in the closet, and her clothes are well hidden. I empathize completely with others in this thread: in some ways we are playing with fire.

Heidi

[Jeanna]

Gotta love that "pink fog"! It can drive you nuts, if you let it. I believe that you think you are going overboard because you pose the idea that you may be "choking on the pink fog" I say have fun with it but stay loose. You are young and beautiful and looking after yourself isn't supposed to be gender based.Remember, you are not crazy if you question your own sanity.
hugs,,, Jeanna

[LaurenB]

I myself not 20 mintues ago was struck by the fog. My wife had gone off to bed and I happened to be looking at my finger nails. I found her nail polish (pink) and just opened it, painted it on my pinky nail. I looked at it for a minute and got the biggest rush. For ten seconds I felt pretty. Grabbed a paper towel and removed it before it set. God I wish I could just paint my nails tonight. God I wish I could just paint my nails tonight. God I wish ...........

We just have to be with it. The good news is that we are very special people. There are no others like us. We feel, we do, we are men and we are women. We care and we act.

Peace to all of you,
Lauren

[Jay Cee]

I hear you, Tonya. I have just started crossdressing (with the blessing and encouragement of my gf), and I came very close to wanting to max out my credit card on girly items. Gotta take it slow, though - no sense in getting in way over my head. And I guess there is always the second hand shops if I really need something else to wear.

[Olivia2]

Tonya,

It's possible the pink fog may simply start to decrease in intensity at any time so you may not have to force it-it has for me in the past. However, sometimes I just have to focus my energy outside myself such as trying to people in need or finding an activity I enjoy that doesn't involve dressing (or shopping). Also, it has helped me to soften up my male side and not try to be too traditionally masculine. Not so much in the way I dress but in my attitude. In other words, trying to integrate my feminine personality into my masculine self. To be clear it isn't about acting feminine but just trying not to try to be to stereotypically masculine. Anyway, hope some of this helps. Hang in there.

Olivia