Intergration or Polyamoury?!?!

[Paisley GG]

Just thought I would throw this idea out there….Since joining the board, which I admit has been relatively short. I have noticed something with the couples that are open about the cd’ing. There are various degrees of integration regarding the feminine aspect of the individual by both parties involved. I find when the individuals refer to this feminine aspect as a separate entity unsettling at best.

I think the more that we can accept all people as multi-faceted, the better for the individual, the relationship, society etc. I think the more we know people as individuals with the inherent calling to express, to create some form of uniqueness the happier and more peaceful this world will be…ok bringing it back to this thread?

In the cases where this feminine aspect is really identified as a separate individual reminded me of my something from my own experience. I have had several polyamourous or triad relationships. Whenever I have talked to someone about those experiences. I always tell them it not for everyone, not even for everyone who thinks it is for them. You think you know yourself, or your partner or the relationship…well hang on for the ride of your life. When there is two of you the dynamics are pretty simple (you, me and we) With a third or more the dynamics become more and more complicated. Now

I am not staying that there are no relationships like this that functioning well…there are, but they are far and few between and the individuals really need to feel that they are getting at least something close to what they are putting in….it takes a lot of time, energy, and constant commitment.

What I see here is that some people are essentially in triad relationships (me, he and she), and without really be conscious of what this means. I think it is almost inevitable that the “me” comes up feeling shorted as far as time and energy, affection etc.

Again this is just my observation, and it may hold some validity, but just from a mental health stand point, I think the more the cd’er accepts them self and incorporate all the aspects of their personality the better.

“I yam what I yam…”. -Popeye :cheer:

[Victoria Anne]

Paisley I find your thread very interesting in that for the majority of my life I have been two identities , my male self and female self. It has been a long and difficult road for me , we each face our own demons in our own way and time. I have over the recent years come to see myself as one person granted that is Viccy , me and my male self has been absorbed into the whole now since this has been happening the relationship between my wife and I has , always was amazing , as though we were one person , that relationship has become even stronger , more passionate , compassionate , understanding and supportive in short we have become a dream couple.

A couple we know calls us sickening sweet , we respond to each other in ways we could never have imagined before. Now I must add there has been an absolute honesty between us from the start as we were friends for 5 years before we began to Date and I told her the night before our first date who I was or thought I was. It has only been with her love and support and all the girls and gents here that I have become the woman I am now and aspire to be . This site is an unbelievable resource for information and support for all of us in the community , I am grateful for it.

Okay I have prattled on long enough , thanks for the post.

[Sarah Doepner]

Paisley,

For me, I'm trying to move toward integration, but it's a slow, slow process. It was much easier for me initially to deal with my crossdressing as an activity I found interesting and stimulating and something that needed to remain private. As I continued to do accept it I discovered it was a much richer experience than I had ever imagined and a desire to find a community emerged. It's very natural to get to a point where we adopt a feminine name, but that is something that forces a separation between our male and female sides rather than integrating them. However, I am very happy to focus on the feminine to the exclusion of the masculine for periods of time.

When I introduced this side of my personality to my wife she met Sarah, not a variant of Dave. It's hard to integrate the two since physical change is a bit part of Sarah. Since crossdressing is the gateway in, wigs, makeup, jewelry and all the clothing are significant and at times required. Shortly after she accepted my crossdressing we established crossdressing boundaries and expectations in our relationship to keep thing comfortable for her while providing an opportunity for me to expand this exploration. Those boundaries are reasonable in that they preserve the core of what she needs in the relationship, but those boundaries limit the possibilities of integration and eliminate the possibility of polyamoury.

So where are we now? Physically, Sarah is a live-in girlfriend who tries to help out when she isn't primping and preening. Occasionally crossdressing gets in the way of the rest of my life and in those times Sarah needs to go away. Psychologically, Sarah is very much a known part of our world, just a little in the background but ready to be the avatar for attitudes and behaviors that Dave can't quite share just yet in settings beyond our corner of the world. It's hard to integrate such divergent beings into one person when there are so many different expectations both in and outside the marriage. Still the attitudes and feelings are coming closer to integration even if the wardrobes aren't.

[sissystephanie]

I have said it before and will say it again! I believe we all have two identities, both male and female. Of course, if you are a MTF CD your male self is dominant! Mine is, but my female self has always been very strong, starting at age 6!

When I proposed to my late wife, I told her I was a CD. We had known each other almost all our lives as we grew up together. But she had not known about my CD activities. She not only accepted me "as is," but totally suppported me for the almost 50 years we had together. As was said earlier, our friends thought we were way too sweet! But that was because we thought alike regarding many different things. Yes, we were two different people, but we thought as one person a great deal of the time!!

[kimdl93]

I'm not really into the split personality concept. I don't pretend to be a different person when I'm dressed...I just try to enjoy being myself with all my feminine aspects, and sought out an SO who appreciated this part of me.

[sterling12]

"Compartmentalizing" our Persona's is often a Coping Mechanism. We have Partners, Friends, Relatives, and many others who "encourage" a lot of this behavior. Perhaps The Desire to avoid The Hassles of a "Three Person Relationship," is part of The Reason that many folks don't blend, especially when it comes to a Sexual Relationship. I can see a very big hassle if somebody feels like they are "competing" with "Her!"

And, for a lot of us; it's a "Workable Lifestyle Choice." To keep The Two Lives separate, or to minimize The "Bleedover" is a Choice that works for SOME people....like me! Remember, A CD can have The Best of Two Worlds, without a lot of The Hassles that go with a Commitment to one Lifestyle or The Other.

Being part of A Menage, or something even larger? I would check with some of The Mormons. Some of those Folks seem to make it work. But there is an aspect of "Nobility," and "Surrender to The Will of God," that colors those Relationships, and that aspect is missing in The Secular World. Personally, this new Idea of PanSexuality, and Polyamourous Relationships doesn't work for Yours Truly. But, then again; I didn't like to share My Toys when I was a Child...that might be The Simple Answer!

Peace and Love, Joanie

[JulieC]

I find when the individuals refer to this feminine aspect as a separate entity unsettling at best.

I do as well. For years, I didn't have an "alter" identity to identify and compartmentalize my femme aspects. I still resist it. I have one now so my wife and I can discuss, in code (little ears around the house), something that comes up. Such as if we're out shopping and she finds a really nice skirt in my size "I'm thinking about getting this as a present for Julie. Do you think she'd like it?"

But, that's the extent of it that I allow.

I refuse to consider myself as a male identity and a female identity. I am me, period. I have male aspects and female aspects. I integrate them as well as I can into an entire picture of me, as a person who is neither fully male nor fully female. I find this quite healthy from a mental aspect.

Recently, my wife reorganized some drawers in our bedroom. I came home to find various femme items all in one place in a single drawer, in fact in a single mesh bag (panties, pantyhose, etc). This upset me, but I couldn't put a finger on it. Now after reading this thread, it suddenly occurs to me WHY it upsets me. I did tell my wife thanks; she was being thoughtful and thought she was doing a GOOD thing.

But, now I can verbalize why it bothers me. It's compartmentalizing femme aspects of me, and though very unintended by her it has the effect on me of thinking of my femme aspects as not being integrated into all of who I am. Instead, it's packaged up, put in a bag, stuck in a drawer. The male aspects of me, in every drawer. The female, continued to a single space. That didn't feel right and doesn't. Now I know why.

[danielle swenson]

I'm not really into the split personality concept. I don't pretend to be a different person when I'm dressed...I just try to enjoy being myself with all my feminine aspects, and sought out an SO who appreciated this part of me.

My thoughts as well!

[NicoleScott]

It may be a simple matter of identification.

My wife might say "do you you need anything from Walmart?
"No"
Does Nicole?

Or, if we're out together, I'd want to be called Nicole, not Frank (not my real name, sorry).

Use my male name when addressing or referring to me as a male.
Use my female name when addressing or referring to me en femme.

[kellycan27]

Iam the only one here....