Blurred. . .and I dont mean the pics . . .

[christiek]

As I stated in my introduction I am a MtF TS age 25 and have been living full time for the past 7 years (since I was 18). One of the biggest issues I am having at this point in my life is that since I have been living full time for so long everything is blurring together. I am constantly looking at myself and thinking "is this really feminine or is it too masculine" about many things. Walk, talk, body language in general, and just how I carry myself. I guess in a way being TS I don't wanna over do it as I don't have a feeling of pleasure of sorts when just being feminine (its more just the norm now) but at the same time I don't want to get read or even outed. Tho sometimes it happens anyways (mainly bc of my voice). It seems to me these days the more I focus on what I'm doing the more I do wrong. Like being nervous on stage. If you are nervous people can tell and most likely you will mess up. If you are confident then you are less likely to mess up. There are things I still feel that I need to work on. Yet it is hard to work on these things alone.
Voice for example. I have some hearing problems in certain ranges. So no matter how convincing my voice is it still sounds off to me. Yet it doesn't matter if I'm with friends and I'm either making fun of one of them or making fun of a man on tv or the radio I still hear my own feminine voice in my head (I guess its just my interpretation of what I think I should sound like) as I speak or even if I am just thinking. I have been told many many times over that I can pass 100% as long as I don't open my mouth. My own mother has even said "when you do talk theres no telling what type of voice you will have at times." That really makes me think about what I need to do tho I feel like sometimes theres nothing I can do.
Its kinda the same thing with walking and body language. As far as body language is concerned; I still do things that are considered more traditionally male but a lot of females are doing it these days as well. It doesn't help that most of my GG friends are quite a bit more masculine than I am. Since you pick up on things your friends do and say and even the way they talk. People in general tend to do this and emulate others in that way. Whether male or female doesn't matter much.
Unfortunately for me right now I don't have my best friend living close to me (actually right now I'm on vacation in FL so she wouldn't be anyways) She used to help keep me in line if I did something I shouldn't. Without her I feel lost . . .
So is there anyone else out there that is feeling like everything is just blurring together?

Also here are some pics of me in case you were wondering . . .
First one the colors are off but i like how it came out . . .
http://i565.photobucket.com/albums/ss96/Dreammodel_24/LayingInTheGrassOnMyBack-1.jpg
http://i565.photobucket.com/albums/ss96/Dreammodel_24/InTheGrass.jpg
http://i565.photobucket.com/albums/ss96/Dreammodel_24/SittingontheSteps.jpg
and heres an older one
http://i565.photobucket.com/albums/ss96/Dreammodel_24/Thedress.jpg

[Faith_G]

I think that's called integration, honey. :happy: It sounds like you are getting comfortable with you and are starting to be yourself without thinking about who you are supposed to be.

You're a lovely young woman. Don't overthink it. :hugs:

[christina marie]

:yt: with looks like that, i dont think you have too much to worry about!

[gillian1968]

I share your fear with my voice, but your looks are amazing. GGs have a certain latitude to present male-like traits but us Trans girls are often _so_ self conscious and fearful our past will give us away it's crippling. I wouldn't worry much about your mannerisms, as you hang out with your present and future girlfriends your brain just naturally adapts and finds its new "normal". 7 years of that may seem like a long time, but you've had more than twice that time to develop the "guy" mannerisms and at a time when your brain was more maleable. Your looks are so natural that I'm sure you can slip a lot of guy-like mannerisms before something is picked up, if ever.

I'm envious of you girls who accepted yourselves at such a young age and began your journey then.

I want to do voice coaching, but I'm not sure if it will help or make me more self-conscious. I can say that constant practice has helped but every once in a while in normal circumstance and near every time when I'm surprised or upset my voice starts low until I compose myself.

[Angel.Marie76]

I would say you're doing fine sweetie, and you look terrific ta boot! Your fears are reasonable, but certainly something you'll just need to keep overcoming as time moves on. Like some people's battle to quit smoking, you sometimes have a tendency to keep thinking back about 'then' and the other you.. and so on and on..

When I'm out and about these days, it does seem like I try and focus my very best to maintain an image of expressed (but not overdone) femininity. Posture, presentation, mannerisms, voice, you name it.. all the variables go through my head like a well-oiled machine hoping not to get caught up on a loose cog. I totally get you on your lack of someone to lean on right now.. it SOOOO sucks not to have an understanding girl friend around to help you keep most things in good order. However, at the same time, my partner has been telling me that I cannot always keep leaning on her for advice, that I need to be able to assert my own feelings, likenesses, and styles. Just like any 'nurture' evolutionary environment, you may adapt to the styles around you. At the same time, you are an individual, and thus must evolve as one, lest you become a codependent being for the rest of your existence.

Personally, I say congrats for being out since you were 18, and kudos to reaching the point of integration. :hugs: I realize that it's anti-climactic to reach this point in your life, but you should rejoice instead -- Think how many others like yourself are just barely coming to grips with themselves, and how your success is a beacon of light from within the [pink] fog.

[CharleneT]

There is a zen to it, relax and just be you ;) As for voice, it can be a hard thing to master and integrate. For me, it has helped to get help from a Speech and Hearing clinic. I found one (here thank god) that offers help to TS folks. They have been wonderful !

[Gaby2]

Thankyou for your thoughts christiek. You are indeed very beautiful. Take care of yourself and keep sharing! It's you who's lending the helping hand.
:<3:
gaby